Feeling a bit wasted, and resting here in bed with Daisy the pug snuggled next to me. She likes to feel the heat off of the fan from my laptop and gets as close to it as possible. Sorta cute.And for now the kids are all settled (oldest ones watching a movie and the younger ones are in bed--very oldest son just left for work at 11:15pm) and Gary's at FedEx. I'm really going to focus (more) on praying for a change in Gary's work situation. While we appreciate the money from the FE job, it really only keeps us in groceries and doesn't even begin to touch the other bills. And the physical toll on him is very, very difficult. It's a young man's job, not one who's in his mid-fifties. I can't fault him for laziness, though. My husband is doing whatever's necessary to make ends meet now and it's just plain hard. And think on this....he leaves for FE at 10pm and gets home at around 3am. Then he chills and eats (since he's ravenous by then) and at around 5am he tries to get to bed. If he can get to sleep, he wakes back up at around 11am and goes to his workshop. He'll get back home at dinner-time, eat with us and take a nap until around 8:30pm or so. If he doesn't get to sleep at 5am, the whole routine is messed up. See what I mean? It stinks, and is way more information than you wanted to read, I realize.
Keeping having these flashes in front of me of some joy that seems to be elusive. At the risk of sounding plain nuts (and realizing that I'm repeating myself), I've gotten so off track with doing things for the pure enjoyment of them that when something joyful passes before me, I tend to stumble a bit and have to focus. In the Anne Lamott book I'm reading, there's a quote that's pretty valid in my life, though I wish it wasn't.
It was always day-to-day, hand-to-mouth back then, and it was erosive to my parents to go year after year without the big special things.
Bingo! Though I wish it wasn't a bingo sort of moment. I so relate to that quote. Lamott talks about her mom making ends meet with her dad's salary as a teacher and writer. How they made it just barely with his income, if nothing out of the ordinary cropped up. Those surprises were what wore her folks down. Even now we have a washer with a faulty timer and I have to stop and start it as it cycles (which is working, thankfully) but it overheats if we forget. So, we don't forget. Not to fret, though. The part isn't pricey and we'll be able to get it soon. But it's one of those things. Too many of those things can be so wearing as to be overemphasized because of the general fatigue.
But I got a new teacup today. Very dishy. The five-dollar bill that was burning a hole in my pocket was well-spent, to be sure. It pays to treat yourself (or if I was classy, I'd say 'oneself'....ha!) to something that brings a smile in tight times, and more folks than ever are feeling the pinch. I just don't ever want to be so proud as to not admit it.
Take care, sweet ones.
