When I got up the second time this morning (after first getting up to let out the chickens at just after six), the phrase "If you don't like something, then change it" came into my head. I've been so dissatisfied with myself for such a long time. See, I'm a reactor. I react to what's put up in front of me, not initiating, but responding to those I live with, or take care of.
When my mom says something upsetting, I react. When the kids do/say something that goes against the way they were raised, I respond to that situation. When Gary comes home upset from something that's happened at work, I react to that as well. Rarely do I make the first move. I'm the responder.
Do you know how much that becomes a habit? And does what I'm saying even make any sense?
I was sitting out back late last night with Romeo, our dog who's not a Pug, and was praying. The thoughts came to me, asking what I really had a passion for. I've spent years and years taking care of others (a mother's purpose and lament at the same time), and have shoved aside my own desires. Not anything big, but things that are personal.
And when we got hit with grand rebellion from some of the boys beginning just over two years ago, followed by my mom's stroke, I gave up on myself. It just felt pointless. My sons weren't interested in what Gary or I had to teach them, rejecting their upbringing, and my mom became such a burden (sorry, but it's a fact), and there's been little room to breathe.
Yesterday we were at her house, leaving her groceries, making her bed, etc., and she asked me if I'd made her doctor's appointment. Dang it. I'd not even thought of it after having Jury Duty, seeing Jacob off and all. It had totally slipped my mind. I had paid her bills yesterday, so was glad of that, but it bothered me that I'd forgotten about the doctor. I told Gary later that I was just a
suck egg daughter. He said it wasn't like I didn't have things going on. Perfect answer. Yes, absolutely true. Didn't help long-term, but it did help. Life is full, even besides caring for my mom, who I have a bad attitude towards, most times.
The truth hurts, but it's a relief to express it.
I read a blog the other day written by a young woman who's had a very challenging year. She talked about how she used to try to make everyone happy, putting aside her own needs/wants in order to keep the peace. I so identify. I've so squished down my own life, that I can hardly see me anymore. I've disappeared a bit.
And with my mom being of a narcissistic personality, even after a stroke, I have to stand firm if I don't want her to paralyze me. She asks things of me she won't ask my brother who lives near. I've said it before, but she will never ask anything of him that causes him to adjust his plans. I realize she can't take herself to the doctor, this is just an example, but she'll never ask him. I have the time, am always available, and my kids are grown to the place I can leave them. He, on the other hand, lives alone, and is more able to change gears. See my frustration? It's the old male/female thing. Her generation is more apt to lean on the women, mostly because they're used to it. Men get to do their manly thing, uninterrupted by women's needs.
Okay, so this is just a small example of my personal exasperation. As I said in the first paragraph, "If you don't like something, then change it." I need to love myself enough to lose the excess weight that's been bugging me. To adjust my eating habits, to care enough, to make the change. To not run to food when life hurts. See where I'm going with this? When I begin to respect myself once again, learn to say no, and stand up to life in general, I think results will follow.
Done with my diatribe. The trick will be daily. To not make sweeping changes that I promise myself of for months and months. Just today.
