Resting in Him

Monsters.  Inward struggles.  Sin.  Began crying at Bible Study last night when the lesson lingered on the story about the killing of the male babies by King Herod.  Not sure why that got to me, but briefly the image of my own babies flashed through my mind.  Regret.

From that moment until this morning while I had quiet time, I was plagued by the demon called Not Good Enough.  And as I was wallowing in shame, a single quote in a book I'm reviewing jumped out at me.  "Surrender to what is.  Let go of what was.  Have faith in what will be. ~Sonia Ricotti*

Wow.

I have issues with each of those three sentences.  Surrender?  Gosh.  Letting go?  Hard.  Faith?  A bit better because it's not tarnished yet, but still, a stretch.

So, just previous to reading that quote, I cried out to God.  Again. Said I thought I'd done all the right things with our children.  Stories, hugs, prayer, dinner together at the table at night, church, a safe environment, baking together, laughter, tucking in at night, sharing what a personal relationship with Jesus was all about, and still it wasn't enough to attract our sons who've left the flock.  What more could I have done?  I relive these thoughts all. the. time.

God said, "Adam and Eve."

Oh.

Paradise wasn't enough for them.  Still not satisfied.  

It's just so darned hard.  I want us together as a family (same with God) in the deepest sense.  Will be content as I can be with my tribe here at home, and that'll have to be enough.  God is faithful.  There is a plan, not sure what, but there is one.  Glad I'm not in charge of this circus.

*quote taken from Rachel Macy Stafford's new book Hands Free Life

Altar Guild Clown

Sometimes I think I'm put into certain situations to provide a level playing field.  And not to sound self-deprecating, but being overly particular just isn't my style.  I know how things should be done in ordinary life, but clearly I have issues with being on the Altar Guild.  Or the women on it have issues with me.  Goodness.

Today we had a working lunch, I guess you could call it.  With two women moving away, there are now only four of us to do the altar, and I'm still new and continue to have a steep learning curve.  Why do they put up with me?  Answer:  There aren't many folks doing this chore.

Called to task in that passive-aggressive manner Southerners are famous for----don't tell the person to their face, but to the group at large.  Seriously?  This time the brass vases for the flowers are showing some wear and need polishing.  Okay.  But nobody polishes anything.  Why would I even think of it?  Silver chalices sometimes have fingerprints on them.  Finger pointing (sorry for the pun) at the new guy.  I'm the only one at fault, apparently.  And considering I only hold the clean silver after it's dry with cotton cloth, it's baffling.  Also, two different cloths are used on the altar for wiping/serving but did anyone tell me?  No, but I'm supposed to know this.  You're talking to a Presbyterian here.  I've been selecting the cloths based on which embroidery I like best, but okay, I'll be the fall guy.  Eye roll.

* * *

The Reformation makes such sense.  Get rid of the frills and preach the Gospel.  I get it, but I do love the bells, whistles, and incense.  Yet it comes at a cost, that is, if you're going to be involved in the set-up.

As to the minute fingerprints, wipe them off, and move along, little dogie.

Grace, so important when folks focus too much on the non-essentials.

 I bared my soul to my husband after the lunch, and after I heard his sensible advice, I was good. Said it reminds him of the Orthodox Jews.  Legalism, plain and simple.  But let's get upset about real stuff, not cleaning.  I will try to do better, but again I say, lighten up.

Personally I believe the Lord has put me in this position for a purpose.  I really don't want to be so picky that I miss the big picture.  One woman gets her knickers in a twist when I do the flowers in the main sink we have and afterward have to wash the altar pieces in the same sink.  It's necessary.  (She's sort of a bacteria nazi.) Only place to do it.  She'd have me do the flowers in the bathroom, which is NOT going to happen.  Please.  I mean really.  Please.

Again, Grace.

* * *

Perfect example of how I roll...just found a fresh chicken egg in my shirt pocket, from having picked it up when I bedded the hens a couple of hours ago.  Forgot all about it.  Not unusual for me to carry around a couple, and accidentally have them break while they're in there.  See what these Altar Guild women have to work with?  Clearly God has a sense of humor.

(replaying tobyMac's song Til the Day I Die and Tenth Avenue North's Stay on Spotify)