Monsters. Inward struggles. Sin. Began crying at Bible Study last night when the lesson lingered on the story about the killing of the male babies by King Herod. Not sure why that got to me, but briefly the image of my own babies flashed through my mind. Regret.
From that moment until this morning while I had quiet time, I was plagued by the demon called Not Good Enough. And as I was wallowing in shame, a single quote in a book I'm reviewing jumped out at me. "Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. ~Sonia Ricotti*
Wow.
I have issues with each of those three sentences. Surrender? Gosh. Letting go? Hard. Faith? A bit better because it's not tarnished yet, but still, a stretch.
So, just previous to reading that quote, I cried out to God. Again. Said I thought I'd done all the right things with our children. Stories, hugs, prayer, dinner together at the table at night, church, a safe environment, baking together, laughter, tucking in at night, sharing what a personal relationship with Jesus was all about, and still it wasn't enough to attract our sons who've left the flock. What more could I have done? I relive these thoughts all. the. time.
God said, "Adam and Eve."
Oh.
Paradise wasn't enough for them. Still not satisfied.
It's just so darned hard. I want us together as a family (same with God) in the deepest sense. Will be content as I can be with my tribe here at home, and that'll have to be enough. God is faithful. There is a plan, not sure what, but there is one. Glad I'm not in charge of this circus.
*quote taken from Rachel Macy Stafford's new book Hands Free Life
