Friday morning

Gradually I'm taking out a few Christmas-like things.  Mostly books, but our dressed-in-pretend-fur Santa as well.  He stands about 15" or so, and he's the first decoration I put out.  

Anyway, in my search, I found the sweetest book in our lawyer's bookshelves.  This is a 1925 copy of The Essays of Elia, a book by Charles Lamb.  This one looks to be a student's copy, with lots of pencil marks in the front of it, but I don't know the person it belonged to, unless someone in my family is acquainted with a Sam H. Johnson.  I committed the huge sin of using some masking tape to mend some loose joints in the pages, but who's going to care?  It's not being sold, and I'm the only one who will read it.  Just needing something to get into that's settling.  Plus the book is the most adorable size at 5-1/2" x 4-1/2" and about 1-1/2" thick.  Nice brown cloth covers.  Apparently it's a book mentioned in  Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, which I read quite awhile back.  Don't remember though talk of the book.  I just want to walk around with it in my hands.  Sort of like the guy in The English Patient who carries around Herodotus' The Histories.

* * *

Home today.  For dinner it's Kale, Italian Sausage, Cannellini bean soup, without the Kale, using baby Lima Beans (which I love) instead.  Improvising.  Just couldn't get my head around buying Kale.  A little goes a long way.

Rest and washing bedsheets.  A good drying day.  More minor tidying.  A restful Friday.

Wednesday evening

A day at home, celebrating oldest daughter's birthday.  Presents, cake, quietness.  All restful.

* * *

Funny how the Lord puts things in front of you in a timely manner.  I got a copy of Sue Bender's second book Everyday Sacred (love that title) at the library bookstore recently and cracked it open last night.  Just what I needed.  Funny too, since I didn't take to her first book Plain and Simple.  Here are some quotes:

"These incomplete tasks weigh on me---my mind often focuses on what I'm not getting done rather than on what I am doing." 

"He has a quality I've read about in books but have rarely experienced---'a still point in the midst of activity.'"

"...not paying attention to what my body needed."

"We all need a certain amount of fallow time."

"How quickly calm disappears."

* * *

I've been too busy lately.  With ordinary life.  Not adding anything to my to-do list, but 

just not setting limitations on what's reasonable.  I look SO tired.  Still dealing with my taxed adrenal glands.  Say what you will, folks who don't believe it's a real ailment.  I'm here to tell you otherwise.

We all could do with some rest.  Deep rest.  

I had a brief, very brief few minutes this afternoon of feeling totally aware.  You know those times you feel in the zone, focused and into whatever you're doing.  It's relaxing in some odd way.  All I was doing was cutting up the cooked chicken to put back in our dinner pot.  The flash of feeling totally attuned to my task was wonderful, but as soon as it was there, it was gone.  Very elusive.  I partly blame interruptions.  Remembered I had to pay one of my mom's bills over the phone that I'd forgotten to do earlier.  Whoosh.  Peace of mind out the window.

It's all about being attentive.  Attention completely on whatever's going on, not allowing anything to break the peace.  Wonderful when it happens, but it's sort of like aligning the planets.  Rarely occurs.

Must practice it some more.

(listening to Home at Last by Josh Garrels)

Sunday night

Glad to be at home.  Busy day at church.  Luncheon after services, a brief nap and then the kids and I went back to help with the Fall Festival.  Neighborhood children decorated cookies, there was a costume competition for their dogs (yes, held inside out of the rain) and while the teenagers managed the little ones, the adults visited.  Very nice for me.

Still raining.  Bliss.  The earth is soaking in the wet, which is wonderful.  It's been so dry here.

Deeply tired, but in a good way. I'm reading a book by Barbara Brown Taylor called Learning to Walk in the Dark and just finished a part where she talks about how we fret late in the day, at night, when we're powerless to do anything to fix things.  She said she'd made a list one time of things she thought of during one of those times...doctor's appointments, making a will, cleaning the refrigerator...irritating chores.  And that's the way of it.  For me today it's about my children's spiritual welfare (out of my hands), getting groceries (under my control), shopping for middle daughter's birthday on Saturday (also okay to manage), making more money magically appear in my mom's bank account (nope, not going there).  The things that drive us nuts and keep us awake, generally speaking, are those things we can't do a darn thing about.  I'll steer clear.

Will need to focus on my quiet later on tonight.  Too much time spent today with others.  Need my own company.  Began looking at The Book of Common Worship, the Presbyterian prayer book I bought, alongside Elizabeth Goudge's Towers in the Mist, which is charming.  Loving the Anglican and Catholic references.

Must go now.  Ready to put it to bed after this hectic day.  But even bathing with having to heat up kettles of water is soothing.  Washing my hair in the kitchen sink....my husband pouring warm water over my hair, is very contenting.  Quiet.  You're forced to be present and attentive in a different sort of way.  And while I'd prefer to not have a garden hose hanging out the attic stairs in the hallway, I'm not really minding.  Perspective.  It's all about that.

Tuesday dinner-time

Light day, which, as I get older, is very healing. Am making more of a habit of pacing myself, not expecting so much out of a day.  It's hard to put into practice, though, as used to as I am of juggling lots of kids and all they get into.  Now, with only four at home, it's much, much easier.  Not so much food to buy either.  'Course the boys always bought their own treats, but dinners---still adjusting to less leftovers to put away.  Hard to make smaller meals and portions.

Everyone's quiet now.  Youngest son went with my husband to his shop today, and they got home early.  My husband has some sort of rough cough and congestion.  He sounds awful.  Very raw.  The kids have passed around a sniffle, but it's either morphed into something different, or he caught a new virus.  He's home early and in bed.  Light out, fan on, peaceful for him.  He just needs some rest.

The kids are in their rooms and the dogs are napping in the living room, though Daisy the Pug is at my feet waiting for me to pick her up.  

Restful, what can I say?  

Chicken simmering, vegetables ready, and about to put on a pot of water for Chicken Noodle Soup.  Figured it'd fit the bill for my main squeeze.  

Overall, thankful for a very full shop of work for my husband (partly, he's just exhausted, I'm thinking), oldest daughter's dry eye situation healing, and nothing pressing hitting at us this week.  Hard to get into a restful mode when you're used to jumping at everything.  

All is well.

Resting in Him

Monsters.  Inward struggles.  Sin.  Began crying at Bible Study last night when the lesson lingered on the story about the killing of the male babies by King Herod.  Not sure why that got to me, but briefly the image of my own babies flashed through my mind.  Regret.

From that moment until this morning while I had quiet time, I was plagued by the demon called Not Good Enough.  And as I was wallowing in shame, a single quote in a book I'm reviewing jumped out at me.  "Surrender to what is.  Let go of what was.  Have faith in what will be. ~Sonia Ricotti*

Wow.

I have issues with each of those three sentences.  Surrender?  Gosh.  Letting go?  Hard.  Faith?  A bit better because it's not tarnished yet, but still, a stretch.

So, just previous to reading that quote, I cried out to God.  Again. Said I thought I'd done all the right things with our children.  Stories, hugs, prayer, dinner together at the table at night, church, a safe environment, baking together, laughter, tucking in at night, sharing what a personal relationship with Jesus was all about, and still it wasn't enough to attract our sons who've left the flock.  What more could I have done?  I relive these thoughts all. the. time.

God said, "Adam and Eve."

Oh.

Paradise wasn't enough for them.  Still not satisfied.  

It's just so darned hard.  I want us together as a family (same with God) in the deepest sense.  Will be content as I can be with my tribe here at home, and that'll have to be enough.  God is faithful.  There is a plan, not sure what, but there is one.  Glad I'm not in charge of this circus.

*quote taken from Rachel Macy Stafford's new book Hands Free Life

Saturday morning

Nothing hanging fire....I don't think.  

Chickens are out in the backyard, free-ranging.  Their coop area is large enough for the four of them (about 20x40'), but they've eaten every green leaf and bug in there.  Most mornings after we've let them out of the coop, they eat breakfast, scrounge around, then begin to make loud and unappealing noises until we let them out into the main yard.  So annoying.  They are so spoiled.

This morning I got up at 6;30, let them out and then got my tea.  Ate breakfast back with them, allowed them to be out and about for an hour and coaxed them back in their yard.  Thirty minutes later they're making racket.  

I'm such a push-over.  Out they go again and remain there now.

Can't blame them.  They just want their greens.  Thankfully we have some to spare, but if we let them free-range all day, we'd have a dirt backyard.

And so it goes with my dear little chickens.

* * *

Rest of the day will have to figure out dinner, go (alone?) to the library bookstore and just chill.  Have already set up the altar for tomorrow, so my church chores are done.  The day is pretty free and clear.  Maybe someone else will offer to cook dinner.  Will work it into the conversation. :)

Wednesday night

Long day.  Had the van after taking my woodboy to the shop.  Errands with my offspring, including a trip to the library---always a good thing.

But did too much.  This darned Adrenal Fatigue smacks me down when I get too busy.  Rest was welcome this afternoon.

After dinner, sat on the porch and watched the two pair of Hummingbirds who visit our two feeders.  My goodness, they're like little Tinkerbells. Vicious, but cute.

Anyway, tomorrow's a home day, like most days.  After an especially busy time away from the house, actually being here is all the more appealing.  I'm here all the time, but take it away from me for one, single day and I'm begging for a day at home.  It's safe and quiet.  Restoring.

Time for bed.  More Faulkner and the open window with the fan blowing.  Tomorrow sitting with the chickens.  Potato soup with homemade bread for dinner.  School with the girls and our Jane Eyre.  All is well.

And on Wednesday night

Passed through the living room just now.  Kissed visiting second son on top of the head (he and youngest son were eating---again) and told him he'd brought JOY into the house.  And he has.  (Glad we'll have him for two weeks.)  His presence has settled our oldest daughter, who's taken on too much mental responsibility here lately.  She can breathe.  He's so well-grounded, in love with the Lord and a pleasure to be around.

How wonderful to be a bearer of such goodwill.  

The mood of the house is peaceful.  

* * * 

And funny thing.  I took the kids to Mom's and then to the grocery store this afternoon and I told them I felt as if the scales are falling off of my eyes.  I'm seeing life again.  Waking up.  

What is it about stress that puts blinders in front of our faces?  Covers up beauty and pushes our faces into the dust.  

Resting quietly.

(listening to tobyMac's newest CD This is Not a Test, and Jeremy Camp's song He Knows)

Tuesday after Labor Day

School will have a late beginning this morning, but all is well.  Second son is asleep on the sofa in the living room---the pass-through room for the whole house.  We're being quiet.  A slow beginning to the day.  The pugs lay 'round about him, and even Romeo, the male dominant, is being sweet.  He's all slung out in front of the sofa---keeping guard.  They seemed to remember him when he came into the house yesterday morning, after we picked him up from the airport.  Four months is a long time, but apparently not long in a dog's mind.  Romeo has a short attention span, so this is miraculous.  The pugs are all about laps, so acceptance is easy for them.

This son went to Powell's bookstore in Portland, before they boarded the plane on Sunday night.  He bought me a used copy of Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross.  He knows my tendency to enjoy Catholic writing.  Said they had a huge section of it.  Amazing bookstore and yes, I'm jealous he got to go there.  A wonderland of books, I hear.

Right now, I'm still in bed, just enjoying the blessing of this son at home.  We've deeply missed him.  He's so sane and well-grounded in the Lord.  We can be ourselves when he's here.  He gets it.  All of it.

* * *

Really feeling this new week is the start of good things.  Fresh starts.  Cooler weather up ahead, even tomorrow.  Rain coming.  Less drama.  Quiet days.  Pumpkin candles.  Sweeping porches of fallen leaves.  Simmering stews.  Letters to be written.  Fall-ish things.  Anticipation.  I do love autumn.

The ability to exhale after so many months of frustration and ultra-busyness is amazing.  Now to watch the Lord begin His work of healing our spirits.

Enjoy your day.

Saturday morning

Tea in bed.  Window up.  Children sleeping in.  Dark skies.  Gentle rain.  Deep breaths.  No stress today.  At least, that's my plan.

Just had a sweet conversation with my mom just now regarding the wedding.  Threw some thoughts her way, drinking in her wisdom.  I realize it's tough for her, with the stroke, being on the outskirts of whatever's going on.  She used to be a doer, now has to be a watcher.  Not easy.  So, we talked about the rehearsal dinner and such, which was good for both of us.

But overall, I'm taking today off from planning anything.  Nothing more I can do or buy until I talk to the rehearsal dinner hostess tomorrow night.  Spoke to our groom about hauling tables from our church to the hostess' house.  He says he's probably got some guy friends who can help.  That would be huge.  We'll see.

Anyway, will buy altar flowers later on, and maybe stop in the Mediterranean shop for some loose tea.  A treat, since we've been using plain old Lipton teabags, which are fine, but I'm spoiled---so enjoy the making of tea when it's from a tin of loose tea.  An event.  A ritual.

Simple pleasures, which have been too few and far between for me.

Reading Like Water for Chocolate, which is perfect for today.  Had snapped it up at the library used bookstore for a buck awhile back and hadn't begun reading it until this morning.  Very restful, so far.

I need to take care of myself for today.  This-coming week is the last full week before wedding week.  Pace myself.  Do only what's necessary.  Don't take on any pressure that's not mine.  You know, stress seems to be like a sickness.  Stay around a person who's running their self ragged (thinking of the bride) and you follow suit.  I can't and won't.  Adrenal fatigue.  My body keeps reminding me of my limitations, which can be a blessing.  Otherwise I'd be over-busy.  Not necessary.  Will have a healing weekend, then let the nonsense commence.

This is the day the Lord hath made.  Let us rejoice and be glad in it.  

Friday mid-afternoon

Beautiful weather.  Oddly enough, when you live in the South, as the temperatures go below 100F. or so, it almost feels fall-ish.  Right now supposedly it's 87F. and I'm in the bedroom with the fan on low and the window up.  Feels wonderful.  But add about ten degrees to that number, the fan is turned up and the window closes.  Guess it's what you're used to.  I have friends who live further north and they have a hard time with upper eighties.  You have my sympathies, but send it on.

* * *

A bit anxious about meeting the mother-of-the-bride tomorrow.  Was wondering what was making me jittery this morning, and that's it.  At the store, though, was able to price things for the rehearsal dinner.  Picnic sorts of supplies.  Keeping a tally. Want to make a good impression even though it's supposed to be low-key.  And in talking to son in California, who's done lots of catering with his jobs, he was able to give me some pointers on the food---what can be made ahead and frozen, etc.  Help is good.

But it's not tomorrow yet.  The house is reasonably clean, about to hang out clothes, the day is breezy which is so nice, chickens need hugs and I have a lap, I'm making vegetable soup and cornbread for dinner, nothing pressing, and have enough food in the house for the weekend.  What more could I possibly want?

Sabbath rest

Enjoying so much having my out-of-town sister-not-by-blood here.  Encouragement.  Much laughter and such joy.  I told her the first night after she got here I felt so relaxed.  I was able to lean on her, telling her in person things I've only written down.  She's such a gift, to me and also my family.  I've not told her this, but someone at church today asked if she was a relative, thinking we all favored.  She'll like that.

* * *

Rested for a bit after services, then went by myself to the library used bookstore.  Saw a woman from church there in the lobby, who I've never really talked to before, and she told me she was there for a quilting get-together.  Loved the spontaneity of that.  Then as we separated after chatting for a minute, she told me how beautiful my girls are and the sweet man who is so nice to us at the bookstore walked by and said he agreed very much.  We're there a lot.

I'm having more of these sorts of situations lately.  Just padding for my spirit.  Gentleness and kind words in midst of the sometimes nightmare of my life.

So, as I was browsing, the same man talked to me from time time and we chatted about the music they play in there.  He has his own playlist---lots of old tunes and very easy to listen to music from my/our generation.  I mentioned his Joni Mitchell being on the other day, when he wasn't there.  He walked off and visited with some other customers and after a few minutes the Joni Mitchell began to play.  He'd put it on for me.  Then he came over again and said he'd mix me a disk of her music.  Amazing.  I asked what I could bring (like a package of disks), and he said just myself to pick it up, at my convenience.  And as I was checking out, another song came on.  I asked him what it was and he said Answers by Sarah McLaughlin, and he'd put her on the disk as well.

Yesterday, oldest daughter was in there, and he gave her a beautiful copy of an Elizabeth Barrett Browning.  She met his wife, and he talked of his daughter. 

Some folks have the gift and the time to share a generous spirit as they come alongside of you.  I want to be one of those who can stop everything and really listen.  Sometimes it's an effort, mostly because I'm not much of a people person.  It's more common of people to listen to you all the the while they're moving onto the next thing.  It's that mindfulness thing again.

A quiet Saturday

Mornings are my favorite times of day, only seconded by evenings in bed after my bath.  Quiet, window open, all is well.  I adore the hour in bed with my tea.  Usually I read the Psalter reading for the day in my Book of Common Prayer and the Office in The Divine Hours*.  Then I feel ready to get into my study of Stephanie Bennett Vogt's book Your Spacious Self.  Healing, that's what her book is to me.  I've gradually been cleaning out things, weighty sometimes.  Finding old photos of my children, hurting over the journeys some of them are taking, but remembering the Covenant we made with the Lord.  Reformed Presbyterians (my old church/my husband's heart is still there) have a beautiful service for infant baptism.  Always loved that.

The carpet is down in the dining room.  Gary opened the old trunk we have in there, usually burdened closed with two Lawyer's Bookshelves that sit on top of it.  Pictures and more.  My grandparents' old pictures, aunts and uncles long gone, and a couple of my old high school annuals.  The girls have laughed today over those.  

Every so often, I leave my bed (my safe, healing place lately) and tidy up some. Get overtired, lie down and then get up and do some more.  It's not that I'm ill, but am giving myself room to get stronger.  I do feel so weak after little effort.  

The Lord spoke clearly to me this morning, telling me to let my boys alone this weekend---pray always for them, but leave their lives for Him to work on.  Tend to myself.  Enjoy the day.  Rest and recover.  Allow myself to be still. 

I'm even just going to gather flowers and greenery here for the church altar vases tomorrow.   No expense.  The paraments (altar cloths) are green for the summer, and I was thinking some orange day lilies and greens behind them would look pretty.  Easy and sweet.  Plus, there's plenty by the garage. :)

Must go tidy some more.  Remember to rest.

*Phyllis Tickle's books---btw, she's very ill now with cancer---found out through church friends who used to attend the same church as Phyllis---she lives just outside of Memphis, so is nearby.

Monday, all quiet

Today was better, so I'll chatter a bit.  Woke up to our new (but haven't moved in yet) neighbor cutting down something with a chainsaw at 7:15am right at our property boundary.  Gary woke up, muttered and went in the backyard.  Stood there, got the attention of the neighbor and reminded him of what time it was.  The guy had the decency to appear embarrassed.  Said he thought it was 8am.  Silly man.  He stopped, but did fire up the chainsaw later on in the morning.  He's cutting down all the bushes and small trees near the house.  Says he can't stand things that close to the house.  The dogwood and a holly bit the dust this morning.  

Gary talked to him and his wife (who I really like) this afternoon, and the guy cut a look at our yard, which is definitely overgrown, not weedy, though we have plenty of clover (Gary's built a beehive he's wanting to find a swarm for), but we have stuff---flowers and lots of greenery.  He eyed our huge Oak in the backyard and Gary says, "Our tree stays!"  

* * *

Tomorrow is a stay-at-home day which we all need.  Mom probably wants her groceries we got tonight, but maybe she can wait a day.  I have to slow down a bit.

Reading Ann Patchett's Bel Canto, which honestly (so far) is one of the most beautifully-written modern day books I've ever read.  I'm only on page 37, so will reserve further comment until I finish it.  Loved Elizabeth von Arnim's The Pastor's Wife as well, which I finished recently.  The longest book (at over 900 pages) I've read this year is Ken Follett's The Pillars of the Earth, which I enjoyed even with the harshness.  Brutality, which fit the time (1100's, I think) with castles, etc., but it was tough to read.  Considering the sequel, but will wait a bit.  Your Spacious Self by Stephanie Bennett Vogt is about uncluttering, but more than that.  About the emotional bondage we subject ourselves to.  She recommends journaling as you read her book.  A powerful book for me, let me tell you.  I got a used (like new) copy online.  Worth having.

Must go.  I need to water my flowers and seedlings and prefer to do it a night when the neighbors are tucked away.  Take care all.  And thanks for your prayers. :)

Winding down the week...

Heard from Jacob just now.  They're about an hour from the California border, making good time.  Took a dog-leg North off of I-40 and went to the Grand Canyon, which was an excellent idea.  Might as well enjoy the journey.  Jake's said it's been fun to see the terrain change, seeing the land turn into, what he called, Cowboy Country.  Love that he's experiencing these things for the first time, and with someone who's been there, and is experienced on the road.  God answered that prayer in a unique way.

At home, however, we just do chickens and homey things.  :)  Oldest daughter was upset about something earlier today, and I felt for her.  Went out for some Chicken Zen afterwards to chill.  Works every time.  

About our daughter---she has a serious astigmatism in her left eye and it's worsened since her last eye exam.  Has been to two eye doctors to get help.  They sort of dismiss her, not knowing how to correct the problem, and treat her like she's imagining things.  Blurriness is blurriness, no matter how you slice it.  Her next plan is to go to the eyecare school downtown, hoping that the teachers and students can help her.  I've got astigmatisms in both eyes, and have never had her problem.  She's worn contacts for years, and is trying to get a prescription for glasses and contacts.  The 'script doesn't fix it, so back to square one.

Anyway, sitting with my chickens is generally a very restful time.  Highly recommended.  Are we cozy, or what?

Monday morning

I'm tired.

Extended adrenaline high last week, in addition to a busy weekend.  Son who's moving to California (at least for six months, if not longer) was treated to a dinner at his inner-city pastor's house yesterday, and we were invited.  More time out of my comfort zone.  Different lifestyles are challenging to me, but that's not a bad thing.  Just tiring.  

Today I'm giving the kids a day off from school.  And with me being gone so long last week, I figured a day of recovery would be a good thing.  I'm dizzy, though, but that will pass.  You know how it is when you mentally hold your breath for an extended period of time.  When you exhale, your physical self often goes a bit wacky.  Least mine does.  I'll try to pace myself.

I feel like a dog that shakes itself after coming in from the rain.  Stuff in my head I need to process. Not easy to deal with sending someone back to prison, though the young man we voted the verdicts on deserves it.  He'd only been out of lock-up for five months before he was at it again, at least so far as the law sees it.  I see a pattern.

Will likely be on pins and needles for a bit.  But that will pass as well.

I've become Facebook friends with several of the women who I served with last week.  Look over their posts, and remember conversations we had, and you're talking about Christian women.  And even thinking on the others I served with---the Lord was present.  Wondered if the prosecutor or his assistant had prayed about this trial, asking for His people to serve.  Makes you wonder.  One woman (a spicy talker), who I really enjoyed, took all of our names/emails down so we could have a reunion.  Isn't that something?  Strangers. But we really did become close in those four days.  

Now will focus on home.  Husband needs work in the shop, Mom needs groceries, son leaves on his journey on Thursday (and a friend will drive with him, for that I'm grateful), house needs lovin', and I have to get back into my routines.  But slowly at first.  Nothing pressing, and if I don't hand it all to the Lord, I'll get frazzled.  No need.  

Oh, get this.  Two of the women on the jury have pugs.  Two a piece.  I call that almost providential. 

Y'all take care.

More rest

Woke up earlier than usual this morning.  Stayed in bed 'til six, then heard the Voice in my head tell me to go outside.  The sun was beginning to make the sky light, but the chickens still slept.  As soon as I opened the back door, though, the sounds of the birds along with traffic on the main drag a few streets north of us hit me.  Loud.  And we'd slept with the window open.  I'd not known how loud it'd be.  My goodness.  Usually when I let the chickens out I'm not interested in experiencing nature.  Just get 'er done.  

Took a blanket out with me and sat in the cherry Adirondack chair Gary'd made.  Looked up and watched the stars fade away.  Wished I'd gotten out there about half an hour earlier.  I love the moment when the sky is black and it slowly turns blue.  Saw a hawk in the next door neighbor's tree---way, way up.  Heard the local owl across the street, hooting before going to sleep.  The little birds raided the chicken feed that'd gotten knocked out of their dish the night before.  Safe in the backyard.

Stayed out long enough to see the sun rise far enough to slip into the chicken coop.  They kerflumped off of their roost, and began making noise.  Let them out, fed them, and went back inside.  Got into bed, reset the alarm and got up again at just before ten.  It was enough.

* * *

I'm realizing the dear importance of taking time, and slowing down.  Those aren't really the same thing.  You can take time to do things, but run through them.  Sort of defeats the purpose.  I'm being more deliberate.  I feel fragile.  But I like it.

The Lord told me last week that this period would be a blessing to me.  That the need for me to stop was necessary so I'd not self-destruct.  I know that's true.  

Sitting for about half an hour with chickens everyday when it's not raining.  Milk hops up, and now Nora is a regular lap-sitter as well.  Two hens all cozied up in my lap.  Heaven.  

I can't really explain to my husband what's going on.  He's a fixer and while he tries to understand, it's enough for him that I'm not running around like mad.  My temper is settled, and I'm not so quick to lose my cool.  I've been like a live wire for so long.  Now I'm not.  I pay a price for that now that's not a good exchange.  

My advice.  When you feel like you're losing control on a regular basis, make changes.  Two women at church are 'doers'....they have a strong servant's heart going on, both of them.  I was sharing with one of them on Sunday and she had a glazed look on her face.  Told me about a girl who had to leave church (I mentioned a bit ago), who had Adrenal Failure.  Sounds serious.  But this friend couldn't see where she was headed herself.  We're not machines.  And I don't think the Lord would have us live like it.

Rest well.

Tuesday morning

~the correct way to do a selfie

I saw a book to review with a title about doing twice the amount of stuff in half the time, or something like that.  Seriously?  Are we still into that mindset?  Still multi-tasking?  Say it isn't so.

Which reminds me...

Picked up a reserve book yesterday at the library about Adrenal Fatigue, and I took several of the quizzes and while I don't rank as high on Burnout, I rank as a wash in Adrenal Fatigue.  Surprised I'm still standing upright.   

Made me so relieved to read her suggestions.  I get so tired of being on go all the time.  Even if it's just all in my head... the need to hurry, that is, not imagining my extreme fatigue. 

There's hope.  I'm already trying to avoid confrontation, squeeze in more joyful things to do....really trying to focus on self-care.

Years ago my cousin called me a doormat, not meaning I don't think, to be hurtful.  But see, here it is, I remember that.  So I'm tired of doing all the time, being available.  She had a point.  Even now it applies.

Hanging with my chickens, sitting outside in the sun, digging in the earth, walking barefoot outside when I can, writing in my journals, opening the curtains and windows, and taking time.  We could all do with less hurrying, and more being still.

Here's another thing on my mind.  Mental housecleaning. When we were making plans on moving my Mom to rehab,  I got into it with my brothers.  They weren't involved,  as much I needed them to be,  pretty much leaving all the research and planning to me.  I got all flustered,  and my oldest brother accused me of being overly dramatic.  Okay,  I ask you.  When did it get to be alright for someone to abdicate their role in a situation by leveling accusations,  leaving the accused to assume they were right?

I think part of my inward stress is connected with feeling abandoned to handle my mom's needs either all alone,  or with just my mates here in our house.  My brothers toss money her way, but that's,  pretty much, the extent of their involvement.

I get shamed by my behavior,  and then feel inadequate for the job.  Guilt on my brother's part is likely his motive for attacking.  The thing is,  that's never right. 

Monday late afteroon

*Taking next week off for Spring Break (the weather should be clearing off even more), but as a treat today, we all went to a different library across town.

*Stopped by oldest son's work on the way and I was able to give him a hug.  He has such beautiful lavender eyes.  Pained me to see him, knowing how he's living, but until he's ready to make a change, will continue to keep the communication open and pray.

*Went by store on the way home, and oldest daughter bought a coconut layer cake for us to enjoy after dinner.

*Now covered up in bed, curtains pushed aside (drizzly day), drinking a hot cup of creamy tea (PG Tips), pile of new/to re-read books beside me.  I've read Erica Baurmeister's books, but got them again.  A children's book---A House Like a Lotus by Madeleine L'Engle, and Mary Simses' The Irresistible Blueberry Bakeshop & Cafe (sensing this one might be too chick lit for right now) and Shakespeare's Kitchen by Lore Segal.  Kept walking the fiction aisles asking the Lord for ideas.  Easy reading to a certain extent, but not too soft. Sometimes I feel as if I've read all the titles that suit me, being that it's so hard to find new books that settle the part of me that yearns for something fresh.  I kept picking up books with the words loss, grief, misery, and drama in them.  Over and over again, and not deliberately.  I have enough of those nouns in my life, so something that brings joy to mind is always appealing.  Oddly, the books I got either deal with cooking, or have cooking terms in the titles.  I'm seeing a trend of where I find my comfort.  

*I have a hankering to do some deep cleaning.  Maybe partly a subliminal message to myself about cleaning in other ways.  Not sure.

*I want to re-fresh the woodwork with a can of glossy white paint.  Gather some old books to re-sell.  Dust behind bookshelves.  Vacuum everything that doesn't move.  Yeah, I can feel spring creeping around the corner.

*Sitting here, wondering how it got to be past 5:30pm without me paying attention.  The day has whooshed by.  Must go boil some more pasta to go with the spaghetti sauce I made yesterday.

*Husband is making spoons today, and looking forward to seeing what he brings home.  Shop has been quiet with the icy weather, but expect things to pick up soon.  I know.  God has this. :)

*Take care, sweet friends.  Must go begin dinner.

Friday before Dinner

Went out with my three girls today.  Three girls.  I still stand amazed that the Lord gave us that many.  Especially since we had a record of four boys between oldest daughter and the birth of middle girl.  I have no sisters,  so they're a huge blessing, partly on that account. 

We went shopping... I had an old Yankee Candle gift card, and got a couple of votives.  Peach cobbler and Marshmallow Chicks.  Warm vanilla scents, both of them.  Got lunch at McDonald's, popped in Joann's, Lifeway, and Barnes and Noble.  Pretty darn perfect afternoon.  Not taxing,  but with it being sunny outside, very refreshing.  We all needed it.

Now we're expecting snow.  Really?  So will make brownies in a minute,  and put together some spaghetti for dinner.  Living in a Manna fashion,  while Gary's work begins to pick up again. 

His mercies are new everyday.  Truly.