Mom

As I tell the kids---life can change in the blink of an eye.

My mom had a stroke, we think, sometime on Wednesday.  One of my brothers called Thursday night at about 8:30pm all agitated telling me that Mom had sounded odd on the phone when he'd just spoken to her. He's out of town, so Gary and I ran over there and found her standing in the kitchen doorway, seemingly frozen in place.  We gradually got her into bed, but it took about 15 minutes.  Long story short, Gary called an ambulance, got her admitted finally, but the ER doctor thought she'd just had a TIA.  Wrong.  It was a full-blown stroke in her brain stem, left-side, which has resulted in her right side being very weak, but thankfully not paralyzed.  Her speech difficulty is her biggest hurdle.  And getting her blood pressure down which was dreadfully high when the EMTs came to her house.

The hard part today was her still not being hooked to an IV, and not having had nourishment since Wednesday (I have no clue what took so long---Gary and I both ended up badgering the head nurse, who in turn had to keep calling the main doctor). Her stomach had been upset then at home, thinking she had a sinus infection or a bug, but maybe it was just the precursor of the stroke.  What do I know?  Her tongue won't cooperate and she can't swallow well, so she has to have an IV.  And she's trying so hard to talk.  It just breaks my heart.

My mind is flying everywhere.

And this afternoon the neurologist told me that the left carotid artery in her neck is completely blocked, and all the blood flow is coming from the right side.  Apparently he's talked to a neurosurgeon about it.  I felt the floor drop underneath me when he told me.  It scares me.  She's 84, very weak and not able to sit up for long, not to mention she can't stand.

But I'm grateful most of all for the way we were able to talk today.  To cry together and just forgive one another.  Hear me when I say that personal grievances are useless.  They profit no one.  Seeing her so ill is a wake-up call.  I just wish I could back up and fix all of the pain, but as Gary says, it's not my fault.  I didn't manufacture all the grief we caused one another.  But I did take part, and I was able to apologize to her for that.  And 'bout damn time.

Thanks to those of you who are already praying.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."~from 2 Corinthians 12:9

That verse came to my mind when I left the hospital at about 9 last night.  Gary was staying with Mom a second night and I didn't understand where he'd parked the truck.  I just walked into the parking lot and prayed for the Lord to take me to it. Just me and Him.  And He led me straight to the truck.  I'm thinking crystal-clear pain cuts to the chase in our communication with the Lord.  Nothing's in the way. Just need.

And the strong belief that, as I told Bonnie, the spirit world is so active in a hospital.  Think about that one. The place is backed up with angelic intervention.  I find that overwhelming.  If you stop and think about it, it'll take your breath away.

Thursday afternoon

Resting.  Thankful for two whole days of things falling into place.  Getting up and having quiet-time. Wrestling the kids up a tad earlier.  Having a tidy house.  Letting things roll off of me a bit smoother.  All good.

Order seems to be the need I have that makes the day run without squeaks.  Disarray, both mental and physical are problems I contend with, but are easy to remedy.  Consistency is key.

And I've come to an odd conclusion, apropos of nothing I've said today, but running through my head. Okay, those of you who have traveled with me online know that we have money troubles from time to time. One income, self-employed at that, allow for tight times.  News flash.  No matter how much I grouse, complain and gnash my teeth, the Lord always provides.  End of story.  Just wish I'd realized this years ago, but apparently I'm a hard sell.  I tend to pray like a mourner, begging and pleading (is that the same thing?) for the Lord to hear me, never (and I mean NEVER) admitting to myself that God Almighty really cares enough to bless me.

They say that your relationship with your parents can affect your trust in God's provision and belief in His desire to hear and respond to your needs.  If you're used to being ignored or turned away, then it's possible you believe that your Father in Heaven will do the same.  Thankfully that's not the case. Again, I plead to being a slow learner.

Praise be to God for His faithfulness.

'Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy.'~Kyrie elieson

A jumbled mind

Lesley at Wisteria & Sunshine talks from time to time about keeping a Day Book, but that's something I've never done, and actually, don't have a clue as to how to begin.  Her explanations are clear, but maybe too much linear thinking on my part causes me to hit a snag. I over-think the particulars, fearing I'll do it wrong, and need to remember that (my goodness) this is just for me so what's all the fuss about? I do, though, love her quiet and peaceable ways.  Very soothing.

Welcome to my mind.  On to other things.

Grounded myself with some prayer and today's reading in the Psalms.  I tend to require some mental 'grabbing of my shoulders and giving me a shake' from time to time, and really stopped this morning and did just that.  The kids are always going every which-a-way, and that must rattle me more than I care to admit.

For example, just this week:  Oldest daughter received a promise/pre-engagement ring from sweet Indian boyfriend last night (pause to say "awww"...it really is sweet), Gary's been tearing into the wiring for our Internet/t.v. to fix a snag (thankfully done), 3 birthdays in the space of eleven days, keeping the house clean, schoolwork (heavy on the math), going over things with third son to re-take the military test in a week or so, and me needing oh-so-badly to turn off the busy focus and just relax and create.

When I get up from here will vacuum and dust the living room, and then take out my fun supplies.  I tend to be a believer in getting the muck done first, then playing.  Trouble is---in this house, the muck tends to be huge and the playing is pushed to the side because exhaustion sets in.  Hard to find a balance.

Now she's off.............

A fresh Monday morning...

Having a bit of quiet in bed with my tea before the whole house gets up.  It's later than some folks wake, but l guess that's one of the perks of homeschooling.  We get it done, just at different hours than the world at large.

I've been thinking more lately on how rushed we all are, and trying to get a handle on slowing down.  I wonder sometimes at all the fuss we make about education and advancement in the business world, and all the while we're drowning in busyness. While I realize that learning is necessary to avoid being a total idiot, there's not a balance in how we feed our spirits.  It's all head knowledge, without the heart.

Speaking of the heart---I have a thing about eating out.  I love it.  Eating what others prepare is a delight to me.  But sometimes you can tell when there's no love in the food.  Some restaurants are popular for their varied menu, but it's sad when the meals are rote, and not presented in a caring manner. Maybe I ask for too much.  It needs to have the love.  And that takes time, time we don't seem willing to spare.

When Gary and I went out Saturday night to shop for oldest daughter's birthday (which is today--she's 26), we sat in the truck in the store parking lot for a few minutes looking at the sky.  It was brilliant---all orange and purple.  Really stunning. And we watched the crowd leave the store, never looking up, but just focused on getting to their cars.  They really were missing out.

The Frederick Buechner quote today on FB was about 'seeing everything for the very last time' and is so beautiful.  We dash through the day and don't stop.  His reminder is to see Grace in the tiny bits.

Well, the chickens are squawking.  Must attend to them, but slowly. Which is the way you manage chickens anyway.  No quick movements---just gentle interference.  Enjoy your day.

Our wildlife

Got this text message while I was out earlier. Gary took the photo of one of the dogs and sent it to me. That's Romeo, the adopted stray who's part Catahoula and not as bright as we'd like, but he's showing maturity by not going after the chickens. After Opal tried to take a bite out of Piglet the chicken a few months ago, we've kept the big dogs out of the backyard while the chickens are free. But it rained the other day, and youngest son let out Romeo, having forgotten the chickens were out as well. As soon as it hit us that they were all out, he and I ran to the back door, fully expecting to see a dead chicken.  Romeo instead was walking around, minding his own business.  Big sigh.

Gary let him out today with the chickens (on a lead) and after a bit, let him go.  He circles the chickens like he's herding them, but other than that, just leaves them alone.  Mostly he just looks like he's keeping an eye on them.  Romeo is very territorial, and it shows.  He's such a loud barker that when someone is at the door, no matter that it's one of us who's gone out briefly to get the mail, etc., he's either got a short memory, or is plain stupid.  He consistently barks LOUD like he's going to attack. Whatever.  We're sometimes pretty lame too.

Book recommendation and a Feast Day

After reading Sara's recommendation a few days ago, I put The Book Thief by Markus Zusak on hold at the library. Picked it up on Wednesday,youngest son read it first, and I got it after him and finished it tonight (yes, we read like mad men in this house). I'd definitely put it in the pile of a favorite.  Not in the top ten, but definitely in the top twenty. Amazing. Totally amazing.  That's all I'll say.

And tomorrow is All Saints' Day.  Our priest asked me to get predominantly white flowers for the altar and I got two bunches of white roses and some white/pink lilies---those small ones that last so long, called Alstroemeria, so sweet. Anyway, there will be incense at the service, which delights me and I'm very much looking forward to it. Quiet in the midst of busyness, with oldest daughter's birthday on Monday, after having middle daughter's this past Thursday.  And Gary's is a week from tomorrow.  Then we have a birthday lull until after the new year.

Blessings of the day and wishing everyone to get the full benefit of the extra hour of sleep.  I know I will.

Friday afternoon's holiday thoughts

With November now upon us, thoughts naturally turn to the holidays.  Used to, October through December was my favorite time of year---little kids, decorating, hot cocoa, excuses to be silly---you know what I mean.  But since late last year when my mom began acting in a peculiar fashion, pushing us away, I've had to look at the holidays a bit differently.

Now understand our three daughters are observers and have become quite skilled at sizing up situations. My habit is usually to get pretty worked up when we have guests, wanting everything to be perfect.  And while I realize perfection is a toss-up, and depending on who's coming over, I still get nervous.  So, this afternoon I was sitting on the porch with the least one, eating my baked potato lunch and we were chatting. I shared with her (now get this, she's only eleven) about how jittery I get when I try to figure out how to handle Thanksgiving and Christmas, now with my mom's odd behavior.  She said I'd be a wreck for Thanksgiving if we have my mom over---and strangely enough, whenever we ask my mom for dinner anyway, esp. for a holiday, she makes other plans.  So, why this desperation?  Not sure, but my inner need to make sure everyone's taken care of.  That's the only thing I can figure.

So it appears I'll just give the idea a pass of inviting my mom. Still get jealous of those women my age who either have/had good relationships with their moms---their memories catch at my throat.  I wish I had that background, but it's not there, and it's safer to realize that and move along.

Life is too short, and while that's sort of a cliche' thing to say, it is valid.  I'd prefer everyone be well and happy, as my dad used to say when I'd ask what he wanted for Christmas.  That's seems a bit out of my range, but I can take care of what's right in front of me, and my husband and children are in that set of categories.  The rest will just have to be left alone.  But guilt? Absolutely go there without any encouragement, but for my family's sake, will try my hardest to let that emotion alone.