Monday afternoon

Seems since the wedding earlier in the month, our house has been crying to itself.  Dust me.  Sweep my floors.  Vacuum up the dog hair.  Re-arrange the furniture.  Please.

Okay, I hear you.  Tomorrow's the day.  Would've been today but after schoolwork was finished, we went to the store to get dinner for tonight and tomorrow night.  Tired.  I get so weary, so fast, and it doesn't pay to do too much.

* * *

Had planned on getting Mom's groceries today, as is our routine, but she called me this morning and said her money was low (over $500.00 in the bank but it's low to her) and while her SS check will be here on Friday, she says she just can't seem to afford any food now.  She has little notebooks on her side table from years back and they have daily tallies of her bank balance.  Even now she calls the bank twice a day to check it.  I'm thinking this is an obsession.

Pulling out hair.

I told her she'd not go broke, but she can't get her head around that fact.  I talked and I talked, trying to reason with her, but she can't understand.  Her bills are paid, no unexpected things are coming out, but still, she feels on edge.  I get it as best as I can.  She can't control anything since her stroke, so if she can control spending, that's something, I guess.

The thing is, she'll really not eat if she's feeling like she's going into the poor house.  I've even asked her about this (you heard this same story a couple of months ago) idea of not eating, and she denies it.  Says she'll eat.  But here's the thing:  I can't get back to the store until Thursday, so while this might sound like I'm trying to teach her a lesson, there is a reason we go on Mondays.  There is life to be lived here, and the days and sometimes nights are busy.  Bet she'll be real hungry come Thursday.  Kidding.  She has food, just not as much as I like to see in her house.

Caring for an aged parent is hard, hard, hard.  

Tomorrow is a home day.  Cleaning, both physical and in the mental realm.  Can't tote my mom around in my head too long or I'll go nuts.  I was all shaky after talking to her, just a drain, but we just do the best we can.  My best isn't probably someone else's best, but what can I say?

The least one is our chef tonight.  She's got a dab hand with baking, but never makes the main meal.  She picked out Enchilada Soup from my Cooking Pinterest board, and so will leave now to put on the chicken for her.  Then, it's up to her. :)

Round two...

~sunday's treat...donuts

We'll do Mom's shopping in the morning.  I want to have her all set-up before the week gets in full swing.  And with her going to other family for Christmas Day, I'm free later on.  Hope that doesn't sound mean, but I'm tired.  Tired of caring for folks, and tired of spreading myself too thin.  After church this morning I was hit with a wave of exhaustion.  All of sudden I wasn't feeling so good, and came home and got into bed.  Perfect.  Gosh, Christmas-time is wearing, isn't it?  All the emotions tied in with it, trying to do more than necessary, and making attempts at pulling the world all together.  

Not so good at that.  The pulling together part.  Got lots of loose ends, but maybe that's just the way of it with me.

Even after dinner tonight oldest daughter asked my opinion about her changing her work schedule, possibly just working two days a week.  The thing is, and we discussed this, her employer depends on our daughter to do most of the work.  She works at a small shop specializing in machine embroidery...monograms.  She's the only full-time employee, and the void with her gone or working less will be huge.  Anyway, we both told her she could actually stop working completely for a bit.  We offered the same to our oldest son after he became exhausted with his job.  He took off a year, and it was only contingent on him being able to pay his own bills.  Had to have enough savings to take care of insurance, etc.  We said the same to her.  She's good with that, even got a bit excited about it.  We'll pray and see what happens.

Speaking of praying, Yesterday I read Anne Lamott's book called Help, Thanks, Wow and it was wonderful.  Got it for 2 bucks at the library bookstore, and while it was a quick read, it was just what I needed to read at that particular moment.  She makes me cry.  But who doesn't?

Take some time.  Remember that.

Mom's business

I was all twisted up this morning, thinking of all that needed doing for my mom.  Makes me crazy.  Woke up, bam.  First thing on my mind.  Had my quiet-time anyway, which is so necessary to my sanity, prayed about my situation, then got to it.  First called my mom to find out what else she needed, then went to the store for her. Came home, made the spaghetti she wanted for my brothers' dinner with her on Wednesday, and then did schoolwork with the kids.  Then left again with the girls to clean Mom's house, and take her groceries.

My bad attitude reared its head this morning when I realized I was making their dinner which I wouldn't be sharing.  Historically for me this has been a sore point.  My brother comes into town, my other brother goes over to Mom's as well, and the three of them share a meal.  Okay, so Gary says, "But you don't want to eat with them."  True story, but the fact remains I feel left out.  I'm never invited to be part of their gathering.  Yeah, immature.  Sue me.

So I have to get over my sour mood, make them food, clean house for my emotionally-detached brother's visit, and move on.  I can't hold onto the anger.  I've got no room for it, you know?

~ ~ ~

But I was so pleased at how her house shone after the little girls and I left.  It smelled good, there was food in the house, and she had her bath. I was satisfied.

We got back home after dark, and Gary met us outside.  He hugged me, and said he realized it was tough for me to be the one Mom always depended on, and he said the sweetest thing.  Funny, but sweet.  He said that while I sometimes had a bad attitude, I still did what needed doing for her.  I suck it up and do it.  True story.  There's nobody else who will.  I needed to hear that.

He allowed for me that it's hard, and that meant a lot.  I don't always have to be happy about what needs doing, but doing it is the main thing.  

Now, with my brother coming in town tomorrow, I'm off duty until the end of the week.  He leaves on Thursday.  A mental break for me, and she'll enjoy the company.  We all win.

Thursday

The best part of today was military son texting me, asking if I could give him a ride to work.  Last week I'd mailed him a letter getting mildly mushy (and following the Lord's nudging in writing it) and telling him I wanted to look ahead with our relationship---explaining my passion in how I've reacted to his lifestyle (and his oldest brother's), and how hard it is to see them living contrary to how we raised them.  But, that I still wanted them to come by, not to feel uncomfortable in being here, but that we stand by our standards.  All stuff he knows, but I wanted his fiance to be given the chance to read it too.  She wasn't raised the same, but she's not heard any of this from us, only what he's told her.  I stressed that I want him to be part of US.  We need each other.

And while tough love has its place, I'm more into just plain old love instead.  I'm tired of all the grief, and just want us to pull together.  Don't want to have to continually second-guess myself, asking if I'm being firm enough.  If you could've seen the two girls in the backseat of the Suburban with him while we were driving, you'd agree that I've made the right choice. At one point the least one had her head in this son's lap and he was playing with her hair.  Then they got to horsing around and tickling each other. Can't put a price on that.  I know he's missed us.  Sure know we've missed him.  (Brings tears to my eyes to re-read this.)

Family, you know.  Can't beat that.

He knows we disapprove, but to me, that doesn't mean you totally isolate him.  I realize some would disagree, believing that the isolation will cause a yearning.  Can't say as I'm convinced.

For a mom, that is the hardest to contemplate.  Wanting to reach out in love, and being prevented from that.  No.  Glad Gary's understanding of how I feel.  He's tough, though.  Probably a good thing.

Now looking forward to a weekend off.  My mom's all set with groceries until Tuesday.  Gary's birthday is Monday, and the weekend is totally free from obligations.  I'm sort of giddy about it.

Tuesday morning

A bit misty outside, and should rain in awhile.  I'm lying in bed, window open, and can hear a dove in the Oak tree in the backyard.  The chickens are all settled in the corner of their run, just fluffed up and thinking about things.  Quiet. Nice.

I find that lately I'm craving silence so much.  Way too much noise in my life.  I read a piece by Lanier at The Rabbit Room about that same topic.  And while a 'get away' would be ideal, for most of us, we have to take it as we can find it.  And to find it at home seems to be the way.  Not the easiest process. Going to make today a restorative time.  At least that's the plan at this very moment.

~ ~ ~

With a busy weekend behind me, I'm taking my week more slowly.  And am planning on us taking a break with no church duties the weekend of the 8th of November.  Will ask someone else to do the flowers, acolyte for the least one, and will take a pause from teaching children's Sunday school.  

~ ~ ~

Youngest son is at the shop with Gary today.  This son has been a bit of a challenge lately, not in a disrespectful sense, but just annoying.  He drives the girls nuts as well.  And I told Gary, it appears that most of my boys doubt my wisdom a good bit of the time.  He blames it on a natural rift between mom and sons, not so much a disrespect issue, but a denial of moms having much going on.  He seems to be speaking from experience.  Huh.  Not too crazy about being thought of as being low in the intelligence scale.  To my boys (at least the majority), I'm the mom who may have a college degree, but is still just a mom.  Maybe to them I excel in mediocrity.  Not going to dwell on that one.

No hard tasks lined up for today.  Make shortbread---the butter is out on the counter now, softening up.  Tidy and maybe hang the fall wreaths.  I'm late doing that.  Maybe I excel at puttering?

I recently read a book (can't think of the title, but it sounds like an Elizabeth Berg or Carrie Brown type of story, but can't remember), about a young woman who had lost her husband the previous year and had a small daughter.  For a full year she'd stayed in bed and had totally withdrawn.  She was living with her mother-in-law, I think, and was finally waking up mentally from the despair of her husband's loss.  The story next goes into she and her daughter skipping town and truly allowing themselves to experience life again.  Great story, but can't place it.  While I've not had to deal with a death in the past 12-18 months, there have been an over-abundance of difficulties.  But life is beginning in small ways to glimmer, and I'm waking up again to my own life.  In that space of time three sons have moved out and two of those have moved in directions contrary to their upbringing.  My mom has lost her independence, leaning on me more and more, so I've misplaced my mother in one sense with her stroke affecting her ability to be the adult.  Many changes in a tight space of time.

Hard realities.  But you know what helps?  This might sound silly, but Gary says that these boys have chosen the paths they're on.  They're really happy with what they're doing.  I tend to think someone has tricked them, taken over their minds (and maybe these girls have, but my boys aren't mindless idiots) and made them be rotten.  And honestly, in her odd little way, thankfully my mom is happy as well.  Anti-depressants have helped in that area, I'm sure.  She doesn't know how to cry anymore, and a stroke is definitely cause for tears.  So, the three individuals who tap my joy can be checked off as requiring so much of my mental energy.  I cause myself undo angst.

~ ~ ~

But, the thing is, I have to look past the difficulties and get on with it, so they say.  In the new Jan Karon there's a perfect quote.  

"We, however, need to keep praying ad trusting God, and moving ahead to things like lunch and dry-cleaning and a dozen eggs at the Local." ~from Somewhere Safe with Somebody Good

Pray, trust the Lord, and LIVE.  Repeat the next day.

I just have to do today, and that has to be enough.  Sufficient to the day..., you know.

Monday's news

~our church participated in the neighborhood Fall Festival yesterday...stuff and nonsense

The tail-end of a very nice day.  Cleaned up the kitchen better than usual, and felt good inside---my insides.  No depression, but a bit of anxiety for a couple of things.  The norm for me.  I tend to fret and expect too much of myself.  I can have an exquisite time and something will sneak up on me, ruining an otherwise great day.  Have to keep on top of that.

Even got my mom's groceries in and delivered at her house with help from two youngest girls---bed changed, bathroom cleaned, coffee pot ready for the morning, started a load of clothes, tidied up, etc.  Gave her some of the bean and ham soup/cornbread I made for us.  She rarely gets homemade food being a fan of frozen dinners, so that was probably a treat.  Left her in good spirits, chowing down.  Click.  Turn off head.

~ ~ ~

And talked to Gary about asking the fiance-of-son-who-lives-with-her to dessert on Thanksgiving.  They'd already decided to go to their separate parents' houses for turkey.  Figure it's a good idea to offer.  Being that we've not talked to her since before the great blow-up when he moved out in August, it'd be wonderful if the communication could be restored.  Not like inviting a daughter-in-law over, but I want to try.  He gets along with all of us---we've really worked on it, praying lots and lots.  There's an elephant in the room when he's here, you know what I mean, but at least he'll come over.  Not a lot, but still, it's better than nothing.  When he's here, it's like he's always on guard.  Shoot, we're done fussing.  What's done is done.  Just got plow ahead now.  And wait on God's timing.

~ ~ ~

And in other news, got a pile of books at the library sale on Saturday.  I'll just mention a few authors I got: Miss Read, William Faulkner, William Butler Yeats, Susan Minot, EF Delafield, EB White, Mary Emmerling, Gail Godwin, Hal Borland, Thomas Hardy, Baroness Orczy, Markus Zusak's The Book Thief, Carrie Brown, Linda Nichols (a favorite contemporary author), and a Bailey White that'll make you crave cornbread while you're reading it.  The Bailey White is Quite a Year for Plums and the first time I read it, I just laughed and laughed, and honestly, I put the book down, made cornbread, sliced tomatoes and fished some green onions out of the fridge.  A perfect lunch.

If I got anything else I can't remember, but pretty nice haul, yes?  Now must weed out some of my own gluttonous collection.  I really am a pig.

I got the Faulkner partly because of going to Oxford, and totally loved one of his I read last week---it was a copy I'd been toting around since college, but hadn't remembered reading it. It's Intruder in the Dust, and for anyone not from the South, it's the perfect book to tell it like it is.  Exactly my experience.  I don't use the word 'awesome' very often, considering it sort of cliche anymore, but this book is awesome with a capital awe.  Kept nodding my head all through it and the ending is priceless.   Only a Southerner could get it right like Faulkner.

Oh, and borrowed a copy of Marilynne Robinson's newest book Lila, and read it in two days.  Yes.  Lived up to my expectations.  Read her book Gilead right after, if you've not already.

I've got more to say, but will resist.  Enough for now.

Friday afternoon

Lately, our children have had more of an open-ended situation come Friday.  My mom has taken a liking to having our youngest (18) son with her on that day.  If it's needed, he'll do her yard, but mostly they just visit.  It's good for both of them.  He'll take his schoolwork with him.  And the two youngest girls left here with me get to chill a bit.  We don't realize how wired we are during the rest of the week until Friday rolls around.  Usually pretty tuckered.

Those girls have made a habit of having their own tea party in the mornings---every morning, except weekends.  After the working class here leave they'll put on the tea kettle, get out one of our prettiest teapots (that need using), and will prepare tea.  Breakfast and a hot pot of tea, with pretty china.  I had to get over my angst at things possibly breaking, but it's just stuff.  They get such pleasure out of it, and it makes me happy to see them all settled on the sofa with their tea things set out on the coffee table in front of them.  They'll watch an I Love Lucy CD or just sit.  A sweet way to start the day.

I know.  Precious.  But they really do do this.  Guess in some things I've set a good example.  :)

And as usual lately, I've had my tea in bed.  I'm taking it slow.  With my overdoing it mentally earlier in the week, trying to get my focus.  The girls and I will get Mom some groceries later on this afternoon and will do her cleaning.  I hate it.  Seriously, I dread it like nothing else.  Honesty.  There's such guilt associated with going to my mom's house.  When you're the child who never did quite cut it (what is UP with that?), you drag around an emotion of 'never good enough' and it's hard to shake.  No matter what you do, it's there.

So, I'm going to look ahead to tomorrow when oldest daughter and I go off on a day trip.  Just an hour or so away, but I told her I'd treat her to lunch in a small town south of us.  Will take photos and report of our day afterwards.

See.  If you dangle a treat up in front of you when a trying situation has to be mastered, it's

 much easier to deal with things.  Oh, and Sunday is our church's saint's Feast Day, St. James.  We'll have a fish fry (which we do every year), and I have the joy of doing the flowers for someone's birthday, and setting up the altar.  Joy.  The girls will make a pumpkin pie or two and pasta salad to add to the growning tables.  A wonderful day all around.  Oh, and the service will have incense.  Bliss as well.

This and that

So I do actually pray in the swing at night after dark.  I face the house, and can, from time to time see my people in the windows.  Squeak, squeak...off I go.  (All the best swings are noisy, it seems.)  And with both houses on either side of us vacant, it's nice to be making racket and nobody caring.  There are advantages to having empty houses about...never thought I'd say that.

 Sometimes swing time is the only quiet I get in a given day.  Interruptions are the norm.  Morning tea before everyone gets moving is my other time, if I get up early enough.  I tend to not be an early riser, though.

I'm craving that time tonight.  My nerves are frayed.  Days at my mom's house tend to break my heart.  She's so grateful for everything we do for her.  Her needs are simple, but her gratitude pains me.  

The least one called her this morning, to make sure she needed help, and to ask what she needed at the store, and to check if she wanted to bathe.  When she hung up, the least one said it was like talking to a different grandmother, and this isn't the first time she's said this.  Said my mom sounded so sweet, which we're still getting used to, even after almost a year since her stroke.  Sadly, my mom has a former reputation for harshness and snippiness, many times to my girls.  That's gone now, which is wonderful, but at what price?

Tomorrow the girls and I will go to Michael's for middle daughter to spend her dog-sitting money for a Smash book with the 50% off coupon I have on my phone.  And she wants to get a pair of jeans at the thrift store as well.  And oldest daughter is treating all of us to lunch out.  Much needed, all of it.

I don't have sisters, but 3 girls who enjoy having me about.  How's that for a blessing?

Monday afternoon

Since public school kids are off for Fall Break this week, I figured we'd do likewise.  Our children don't need the time off, but I do.  Figure my mental health could use a breather.

We'll do my mom's running around after Gary comes home.  I can't borrow the kids' cars that have a stick shift since my left knee is still acting strange.  I end up limping when I have to drive manually, and will wait until Gary's home with the Suburban.  

I sort of want to get her chores over with anyway.  With a week off, it'll be nice to feel that her needs are met (bed changed, bathrooms cleaned, vacuuming, mopping, etc.) so the rest of the week feels smooth and easy.

Had a moment over the weekend realizing that if I don't begin to chill out, I'll pay for it later.  My physical and mental selves need tending to.  And I figure when life feels so ridgedly (is that a word?) overwhelming, then something has to change.  My brothers aren't going to 'have a clue' as to our mom's care, and while our kids are amazing to help, I have to realize that it's us being the main carers and should stop imagining it otherwise.  From time to time Mom has a more than normal lucid moment and will apologize for me having to do her banking/bill paying, etc.  I always shush her, saying it's no big deal, but honestly, it is a big deal.  It's exhausting to plan her expenses, muddle through unexpected costs she's got to cover, and always leave a certain amount in her bank.  The alternative is....well, there is no alternative.  And don't get me started on having stamps all the time.  See, it's never anything big, but lots of little things that weigh me down.

Caregivers, even when they don't live with the elderly parent, are easily tired out.  You catch yourself saying it won't happen to you, but it does before you know it.

~ ~ ~

As my brain whirs, am planning on after today, putting up some Elderberry syrup for the cold months.  Bought 4 oz. of dried berries on Saturday, and have some raw honey, and the recipe is non-alcoholic, so my main squeeze can use it.  I treated us with my Elderberry tincture over the weekend for a cold second son caught, and everyone's fine.  Only youngest son showed signs of getting it, but after a few doses, we're all okay.  Love this stuff.   Will make a calming tincture as well---got some Passion Flower I'll mix with some other herbs---maybe Lemon Balm, Hops, Scullcap and whatever else sounds restful, but doesn't make me sleepy.   

You know, when you get into a pattern of 'always busyness' it's a stretch to find that quiet place again.  There are days when my insides feel all restful and non-static, but it's rare.  I have to make a concerted effort to make it happen.  That's my goal after today.  That silence of the spirit.  Hard won, but so worth it.

Tuesday evening after a busy day

Listening to middle daughter's newest CD by a group called For King & Country.  Excellent music.  The song called 'It's Not Over Yet' (linked) is amazing---it's raise-your-hands-in-praise music.  I don't tend to do that, though, unless I'm in the car alone (or with the girls), or here in bed by myself.  Feels so good, but it's more than that.  More than a feeling.  It's joy.

Our church, being so Traditional and liturgical, frowns on any outward display of enthusiasm.  Our

priest even told me one time about having to ask a parishioner to control herself (though I think I know who he was talking about), and not raise her hands.  You can tell, even now, she has a hard time not feeling her faith.  Very sweet.  She is controlled, though. He says it draws attention away from the service and to the person being demonstrative.  I tend to sit quietly and just turn my palms up in my lap.  Anything to reach up, even in my lap.

~ ~ ~

It was a good day, though long.  Got our schoolwork finished up before noon, which is unusual.  I'm reading a review book called Tables in the Wilderness by Preston Yancey, who had a crisis of faith while he was in college.  Honest and easy to relate to, even now.  I was able to spend some quiet time in bed reading this afternoon before we had to go out and do my mom's running around.  A brief nap.  The window open to the breeze.  Chickens muttering outside.  Darn near perfect.

Might just try the same tomorrow.

Thursday afternoon

It's nice when the chores get done early enough in the day, and there's not another reason to have to leave the house.  And fortunately the weather turned late yesterday, bringing some rain (not a dry summer this year) and cooler temperatures, which makes makes me feel friendly toward all my fellow humans.

Earlier today the two younger girls and I went to my mom's and I helped her shower and put in her rollers.  Trimmed toenails, and tidied up the house a bit again.  Took her some new reading glasses, and picked up a new checkbook.  Diddly things, but necessary to her well-being, and the running of her household.

Considering hiring an Aide to keep her bathing regular, but not sure.  She enjoyed taking her time in the shower, and not being hurried, and she could do it herself.  I just had to hold the towels for her.  Not such a big deal, but it's just finding the time that's hard.

Now I can breathe.  And hopefully tomorrow can be more of the same.

Oldest daughter is fixing dinner tonight, and there's nothing hanging fire to make me squirm.

This is good.  Now, I'll rest for the remainder of the day.  Not going to borrow frets, especially since most things are out of my hands.  Looking forward to a cup of tea later.  Got a new 1/2 # box of loose Lipton at the store.  Tipped it into my tea tin and added Cardamom, Coriander, Ginger, a few whole Allspice and shook it all up.  A nice treat for later on.  :)  Take care, all.

Thoughts on Thursday

Had to go to my mom's after dinner.  She needed some supplies, got those and then took the kids to her house---changed her bedding, filled up her freezer again, got her sheets into the washer ready for her to turn on tomorrow, emptied trash, etc.  Just basic stuff.  But I always leave sad.  It's like I can't do enough, and nobody's putting that one on me.  I do it to myself.  I feel bad when we have to leave.  She'll most always be sitting at her kitchen table, or she'll be in bed.  Always either one or the other.  She's always glad to see us, which is good, and the kids are so sweet to her.

But tonight, the least one asked her if sometime she could have a particular quilt.  Mom has quite a collection...beautiful pieces.  Mom said she could have it right then.  Not what we expected.  Used to, she'd have made our youngest one wait.  I think now she feels the end spiraling up in front of her, so is more willing to share.  She even said she wanted me to take home one we'd put on her bed.  Said her own grandmother had made it for her.  Mom is 85, so that's one old quilt.  I told her I'd get it next visit.  Said I thought we ought to make tags for the ones she had, so that whoever inherited them knew the seamstress.  Seems the right thing to do.  I sure won't know.

Having one of those periods of life where the Lord is paring me down.  I had the most distinct impression earlier today.   I was asking Him about our current financial situation, not whining, but just talking to Him.  Quiet prayer time in bed.  I asked what was going on---what the reason for what we've been experiencing, and I kid you not, I got a flash of an image in my head with a sense of humor.  It was like He was amused by my question.  He said it was to get my attention.  Believe me or not.  I know some folks feel that God only speaks through the Scriptures, but I've had a relationship with Him from the get-go where I hear Him speak to me.  Some folks can understand that and some don't.  I respect the difference, but this is my experience.  A sense of humor.  I love that.  Here I am getting my knickers in a twist, and rather than feel seriousness from the Lord, I almost hear a laugh.

Puts a totally different spin on everything.

Sunday night's doings

We had my mom over tonight, along with sweet Indian boyfriend for Joseph's belated birthday. A bit difficult to get the feel for her mindset,  it bring her first official outing, bar going to the doctor's,  but she did fine. We did fine. All is well. Odd, but well.

Looking at tomorrow as a day off. Too much drama with Joseph's return, adjusting to having him back, etc.  He's much the same, though, for which I'm grateful.

Speaking of grateful, am re-reading Ann Voskamp's book, and while parts of it make me scratch my head, I'm enjoying reading about thankfulness, which I have a difficult time expressing. I'm a fair hand at grumbling, but need to look on the happy side more.

Also, not wanting to spend so much energy on finding fault. Plenty of folks do that, so I'd prefer being on the cheerleading squad for a change.

Just thoughts banging around in my wee brain.  Take care.

Odds and ends

Feeling a tad more overwhelmed than normal, which is saying something.

Gary's been under the weather....think it's dehydration....working outside and not drinking enough. Whupped him bad, even stayed in bed yesterday, which never happens.

Mom gets re-evaluted for her therapy this week, and I was told she's probably on target for another 8 weeks of it. She wants to be done with the bother, but unless she really steps up to the plate, onward they'll come. It really is up to her.

And in a troublesome piece of news, a college-aged son in a dear family we know (large family of ten kids), went out looking for trouble, found it, and the baby is due in December. Very disturbing, especially considering his Christian upbringing. Sadly, I understand, since this could've been the scenario we faced last year. Keeps you humble, that's for sure.

On a totally unrelated topic, read Ann Lamott's newest book 'Stitches' and it's wonderful. She often calls God by the feminine, so.....not buying that, but the book really is magic, at least for me.

Just started raining, so will go now so I can look out. Love rain in the afternoon.  Thunder too. Lovely.

Wednesday night

Got out the embroidery that's been sitting in my red glass bowl on the side table (bowl courtesy of Gary going dumpster diving a few years back), and did a square for the Pugs.  Had forgotten how satisfying that a needle and thread is in my hand.  Soothing.  I realize that's not the way with everyone, but it seems to work for me.

And with today being very busy, with the three youngest going out with me all day, it's nice to think of sitting and stitching some more tomorrow.

Hauled the kids to a library a distance away, just to get out of our regular stomping ground.  Then got home to rest and eat a sandwich for about 30 minutes before it was time to go pick up fourth son at work. Then to the store for my mom, then to her house to deliver things, then Gary came by to get us back home (after borrowing my mom's car).  So extraordinarily glad to be back here.  Deliriously happy.  Thinking with a few groceries now in the house again that tomorrow will be spent totally at home.  Not a step off of our property.  I don't think I could bear it.  Might just explode if someone makes me leave. Don't even try.

See, I enjoy being home with little variance.  Home is good.  Tease me with an every-so-often visit to a bookstore, and I'm fine for a looooong time.

Besides, as I've said, going to my mom's sort of wigs me out.  Now that she has groceries as well, we probably won't be back to her house until Saturday. She'll have therapists tomorrow, and one brother will take her dinner on Friday.  That means freedom for me for two whole days.  Cause for celebration, I'm thinking.

Besides, I've got a book to finish reading to review---Myquillyn Smith's book called The Nesting Place, and am reading Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way---curious about her take on creative usage of time, and will begin tomorrow writing 3 "morning pages" as she calls them.  Words to get out of our heads before the day begins.  A purge for the head, I reckon.  And I got my head into a library book for awhile as well, and it's called Starting from Scratch by Susan Gilbert-Collins.  So far, so good.

The kids already have their assignments for schoolwork tomorrow, so I'm free to do as I like.  Delicious.

Muttering to myself

When you have younger kids at home, the hormonal disturbances of the older ones are diverted just a tad.  But, when your remaining children at home are feeling their oats---well, let's just say that an evening out with a husband is a welcome diversion.  Hope tonight is that night, or maybe tomorrow, and at the last resort, Thursday.  Madness will ensue if I have to wait any longer.  There's a magazine at Barnes & Noble I want to see called Daphne's Diary.  Not sure if it'll be in stock, and unfortunately the two locations of B&N aren't near, but it'd be a nice outing nonetheless.

Add to that a stroke-surviving mother whose requests are short of bizarre.  My brain can't keep up. Yesterday she said her next door neighbor had made her some soup.  But the neighbor has a sore bunion and couldn't bring it over, so she asked if Mom could walk over.  Insert maniacal laughter.  Mom says on the phone she wants me to come over and get it for her.  I ask why the neighbor's husband can't do that. She laughs.  I'm not laughing.  I have no car, and have to oftentimes leap tall buildings to do what my mom needs.  So, asserting myself, I tell Mom we'll see....Turns out hours later the husband toddled over and got her the soup.  End of story.  You think?  The real clincher was Mom saying I could come over and borrow her car, which means someone has to take me over there to get her car, which has nothing to do with soup, but in her head it all makes sense.  See what I mean about bizarre?

Yes, my mom had a stroke, but this is a small example of what I call her princess mindset.  She's always very grateful for whatever we do, but is often unable to see that it's sometimes a case of 'one more thing' that gets me. After weeks of going to 'tuck her in at night' on a regular basis, I realized (through the wisdom of oldest daughter who'd been watching my mental state begin to sag), that I can't keep up with a daily visit to my mom.  Besides it being hard on my emotions, the constant requests get to me.  Nothing is of a desperate need for her, but she acts as if everything needs to be done NOW. And it's those little digs about wondering if certain things have been followed through on---even if they're insignificant, that hang onto me.  Yeah, I need a date night.

About to pull out my embroidery, a sure cure for what ails you.  I tend to tune out the world when I have a needle in my hand, and can't for the life of me figure out what keeps me from it.  I have the same amount of hours in the day as I always have had---don't spend an inordinate amount of time online.  Just don't get it.  I think I must sit in place with a dazed expression on my face. Life is just sometimes a bit more than I can handle.  I think God invented hand sewing as a coping mechanism for females.  Not kidding.

Mid-week

Put up a post here about my mom, but just moved it over here.  Hadn't put anything up there in about a week, and had sort of forgotten I had a dedicated spot to chatter about her stroke.

I talked about taking time away from my mom, which is very healing.  I think I'll re-schedule how I manage my visits with her, being that they really take their toll on my mental/physical health.

And, I realized I'd not processed our son's Nat'l Guard life.  With her situation being so mentally exhausting for me, I've not given myself time to think about Joseph, and that's why I've posted photos of the graduation here and on FB. It came to me that it'd been shoved aside when the girls and I recently took dinner to my newly-widowed aunt.  My cousin was there and she asked about Joseph, and she said she didn't know how she'd deal with having a child in the military.  I sat there and thought about what she'd said, finally sinking in that I've held onto a brave face, and likely needed to deal with some stress related to his choice of lifestyle.

And when things make me cry with little effort, figure they need time to be resolved and tended to.

So yesterday the kids and I cleaned up some outside.  I took off one storm window, wiped off the spiderwebs and washed it down, and put it back up.  A small step in tidying my nest.  Didn't have much energy for much more, but it was restoring.  I need to plan more of that.  So necessary and refreshing. While the kids do their Spanish CD in a minute, will scurry around and do a bit. Cleaning can be a pain or therapeutic.  Today it's the latter.

End of the week...

Overtired last night.  Slept through a very loud (so the kids say) thunderstorm the previous night, so I'm thinking I need to rest more.  When I go to sleep, which is quick and easy, I sleep hard.  I told Gary it's my escape mechanism.  Turn off my brain and experience relief.  A mental retreat.

So.

Went out with oldest daughter this afternoon.  Lunch out, which was her treat.  A trip to Michael's for some notecards for writing Joseph at AIT (advanced individual training) camp. Some Easter pretties just for fun, including a tiny ceramic pig, who's adorable.  There's something so appealing about pigs.

Good to get away and out.  To not focus on my mom, even though we went later on and bought groceries, including some for her, which we took over.

Shoot me now.  Sometimes I feel as if life has played a big joke on me.  It's like someone mixed up our name tags and we're not playing the roles I'm used to.  A son in the Army Nat'l Guard (what's up with being a military mom?) and a mother who's not herself.  I need a do over. ;)

New mantra...keep sense of humor.  Keep sense of humor.  Repeat.

Monday afternoon

Having an at-home day.

Windows up, house cleaning in full sway.  Just getting a feel for being at home after our trip last week.  Gets me off my kilter, but all is well.  I've not been out of town in 15 years.  Yep, you heard right.  All the older kids and Gary have been somewhere in that space of time, but that car accident we had that caused my miscarriage sort of messed me up mentally.  I tend to stay close to home.

Still, for my kids, I'll do just about anything, including quitting my long distance traveling fast.

Deep breaths.  Trying to keep my focus, but I feel a bit addled having to keep my mom's needs tucked in my head alongside ours.  Very difficult.  And startling to have certain health issues (more than one and I won't get into them) caused by/irritated by stress.  But getting a handle on it.  Awareness is part of the battle.

Have a good day.  And it is good.

Week's end

It was my turn to spend the night with my mom last night, and whichever child was there left so I could take over.  I can't tell you who was there---isn't that pathetic?  We're so running on empty that I can't even remember.  Huh.  Still can't, and I'm wracking my brain.

No matter.

When I got there, she was in bed, and while we thought she was asleep, she wasn't.  I went into her room to turn on her bathroom light and shut the door a bit.  Figured she'd need the light if she got up to go to the bathroom.  Well, graceful me hit her doorstop with my shoe and it clanked over, and she stirred and said she wasn't asleep.  I sat down on her bed, she said she had all sorts of things spinning in her head, and we talked.  For two hours.  The darkness in the room helped make it intimate and it was nice.  Me and my mom. The way daughters and moms are supposed to be.  When she finally got sleepy, I hugged her and left, and cried.  Long time coming.

It was all good.  Sweet.  Confiding.

And likely never would've happened if she'd not had a stroke.  Go figure.  She said she feels differently about lots of things, including the man she's been sort of dating FOR SEVEN YEARS.  Get that.  She said very simply last night, Shannon (his name) is into Shannon.  'Nuf said.

Now I'm home, fourth son is at mom's and the three youngest and I are going to a funeral tomorrow morning (none of them have ever been to one---we're hoping for a closed casket).  Like the one a few weeks ago. Service/choir for me, others to graveside service and we'll help get the luncheon ready.

My goodness, life is full, isn't it?