Late Sunday afternoon

"You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply because they are HEAVY."~unknown

I read the above quote on Pinterest the other day, and it fit perfectly with what's been going on in my head, namely too much noise.  For that reason, I've shut down my Facebook account for a bit (pretty cool they offer the ability to switch it off for a certain period of time and will turn it back on automatically).  Not that I'm addicted like some, but they do provide more information than I need now.  I've stayed on Facebook to keep an eye on my kids, but even then I sometimes read things I'd rather not know.  Our kids are not mini-me's.  Well, maybe the girls, to some extent.

And the Internet is way too noisy.  I have a talent (not always a good thing) for being able to find out lots of stuff.  They call me the research babe around here.  Want to know something?  Just ask me.  I'll find it.  And sadly, I've recently found out things about the folks our kids are with.  I can't bear the burden of those facts anymore.  It's devastating to me.

Since we all (bar my husband) caught the cold virus that's been spinning in our house, he laid down the law on Friday and said we'd not be going to church today.  As a result, I had to ask our priest's wife to do the flowers and another friend to set up the altar elements since it was my week.  Tell the children's SS teacher I'd not be there, and one daughter had to ask someone to acolyte for her, and one son told our priest he couldn't be an usher.  See, we're busy---good busy.  But it was time to stop.

And today we slept the clock around.  I got up finally at 1pm.  When did that last happen?  Can't remember.  I tend to not get enough sleep, so this was a huge blessing.  Life doesn't feel so tragic when you're rested.  But when we were sitting outside with the chickens and pugs this afternoon, all quiet and peaceable, I decided to "live my great big beautiful life."  To take care of me.  With God's help.  Turning a page.

Whatever our kids get into---well, I can pray about it, but I can't manage or control it.  I'm not meant to take on that job.  But I sure can pray, and nobody can stop me from that. There's lots of power with prayer, my goodness.  The angels fly.

And I can't let the nonsense our kids get into ruin my own life.  I'm their mother, but my mothering involvement does alter once they move away.  I'll always be here for them, but they tend to need me less, and that's the idea of letting them go, right? 

When they make poor or dangerous choices, I'll pray.  When they disappoint me, as I will them, I'll turn it over.  Allow them to fail, as the Lord allows the same for me.  Do we pray for our kids more when they stray?  I think that's so.  Maybe not fair to those to toe the line, but probably likely.

Thank God for second (and third, fourth....) chances.

Tuesday evening

~madelyn, anastasia, milk, and nora

Too much information in my head concerning our children.  Time to focus on homemaking.  And chickens since sitting out with them is such an wonderfully calming experience.  I really have to change the way I've been doing my job.  I can't manage to know everything, and even when I'm able to find out stuff, I need to not do that.  My physical self suffers.  

Baked yeast rolls for dinner, made potato soup.  Second son (who I'm proud to say, preached at his small inner-city church on Sunday) brought over homemade spaghetti sauce, which we'll have tomorrow night.  Drinking a mocha now, and had glass after glass of water today.  Breakfast/tea in bed.  Lunch in bed as well.  Wearing comfortable clothes.  Hair in a braid (and yes, it finally grew to my waist).  Minimal cleaning.  Two sick, yet recovering children.  Schoolwork late in the afternoon.  Fourth son treating us to some groceries tonight.  

Seems I got side-tracked from my word of the year, REST.  Rest doesn't mean just physical quietness, but the same for my heart---and my soul needs the peace.  To avoid confrontation, not to the extent of overlooking things that need tending, but to not deliberately step into things I can do without stepping into.  YouknowwhatImean.  I stay in a state of waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Common predicament of women, especially of mothers.  Forget contentment, you always have to be ready to subdue the monsters.

God will have to take care of the bad guys for a bit.  Or maybe we'll make it a long-term commitment.  I'm done.  Must make a note of that.  Yeah, right.  I have to maintain a restful environment for our family here.  I did burn frankincense/myrrh today, and marked the doors with hyssop.  Keep away, monsters!  Might just be a, whatchacallit, gesture, but it makes me feel more secure when I go through the motions.  They do mean something to me.  Ancient rituals.  Love 'em.

In re-reading, this post sounds melancholy, which isn't my goal.  Just frayed around the edges.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, so my better half says.  Let it go.  Let it go.

Sunday night

Out to get coffee (chestnut praline latte) with Gary (mocha) the other day I said it'd be silly to think that the world is getting better.  That while things can be changed by God, the world out there is getting more toxic.  Not to be negative, but it pays to be on top of it.

Our kids are so vulnerable to all the junk.  And while I thought we'd grounded them sufficiently, seems I was mistaken.  The boys especially.  My goodness.  The titillating qualities of what they're up against amaze me.  Guess I'm more naive than I first imagined.  And you know what?  I really don't want to know the stuff I do know.  I like innocence.  It's got a charm like nothing else, but when it's gone, buh-bye.

I keep praying for the Lord to surround us.  To walk before, beside and behind us.  I want a hedge around my children.  The boys are so curious, and maybe that's the way with males.  If I made a comment like that to Gary, he'd just cut his eyes at me.  Like, Woman?  He's been there.  He gets it.  Do all guys get it?  Am I living under a rock?

I'm reminded daily how important it is to stay in God's face.  Daily.  Can't let your guard down for anything.  The monsters are always out there ready to devour us.  Our children especially.  Even in a safe and healthy marriage you have to be aware.  Stay prayed up, love on your people, and bind the evil one.  Bind that hater.

Used to we only had to worry about our boys getting hold of unsavory magazines.  Now the world is always at their beck and call, waiting to tempt them.  Now, I'm not really speaking of any particular situation, but a mindset that this generation is stuck in more than any before them.  Temptation.  Now that's a deep trap.  So easy to come by and fall into, you don't even have to look for it.

The challenge this new year is to pray like never before.  I have been under a rock, taking for granted our children would follow in the footsteps that we've laid out in front of them.  Well, some are.  Some are gladly going in the other direction.  We pray, we wait on the Lord's timing, and never let go.  Never give up.

A glimmer of romance...

I heard Gary singing a little chant to himself this afternoon, and it went like this:  "You can date my daughter if I can ride your motorcycle."  I listened to him for a minute, then it hit me what he was talking about.  Our oldest daughter met up with an old guy friend (not ever a boyfriend) last night at a bookstore.  He just wanted to see her, and share that he was breaking up with his girlfriend last night after their visit.  And he did.  

So.

Gary said after singing his little tune that it was inevitable for the two of them to get together.  This young man has a motorcycle, yes, and my husband tells me we need to pray about this.  I actually got excited about the possibilities.  Something to think about, however, is that he's divorced.  He would admit that it's something that hurts him to remember.  We've always been hardliners about our children not marrying those who've been married before.  And I know I'm jumping the gun.  Is it an issue?  I just don't know if I can draw a line about that anymore.  Sometimes I just want to pray about stuff and let the Lord clean up the rubble (a good practice, yes?).  There's forgiveness for everything, I realize.  If I get puffed up about this, I'm just being that.  Puffed up.  Thoughts?  He's a strong Christian, and is really seeking the Lord.  Can't knock that, can you?

This ought to be fun to watch.  As I said, I'm excited.  The Lord will have to do some work in hearts, but the preliminary work is maybe already in place.  

Prayer please. :)

Tuesday night

A good day.  Got up too early after too late a night reading (see previous blog post with book review responsible for my poor sleeping hours).  Shame on Lisa Samson.

So, after 5-1/2 hours sleep, I got my tea ready, wanting to get a jump on the day.  Figured with school starting, and having a youngest son who's oftentimes trying to my patience, I'd pave the way ahead of time.  Lots of prayer, you know.  Tears always a good idea.  Love that proof of the Holy Spirit's presence.  God is so faithful.  School turned out wonderful.  Everyone got along, and I was so pleased.  I think we all were.  Just getting along was simple and sweet.  I don't ask much.  Just be decent and polite.  All good.

Afterwards, we all went to the library to get 'on hold' math books, and then the store to buy Mom's groceries ahead-of-time.  She doesn't need them 'til Friday, but it seemed wise to getitoverwith.  Tomorrow's supposed to be in the teens overnight, so I figured less time away from home would be wise.  Warmth is so necessary to comfort.  Besides, tomorrow I have the Intercessory Prayer group to go to, and oldest daughter's best friend will be here overnight.  C-L-E-A-N the house!

~ ~ ~

Last night, second son baked bread at his apartment, and took one loaf to military third son who's engaged.  While he was there, third son and his fiance made noises about getting married next week.  Something about insurance.  Romantic, huh?  We'll see how it goes.  While part of me would like to see an honorable, moral solution to their situation, the other part wants an nice-Christian-girl for this son.  May the Lord continue to keep His hands on them, no matter what it looks like to any of us.  Not my call.

~ ~ ~

Oldest daughter gave notice at her job today.  We've all talked about it, and since she's financially secure for a bit, she'll just lay low for a few months.  Recover from some stress.  Well, her boss was a real stinker about her leaving.  Did NOT take the high road.  Our daughter will have to tolerate some ill treatment, unless the Lord intervenes, for the next few weeks until she goes.  Her boss even withheld one of her checks she's earned.  Aren't folks something?  She'll get the check, never fear, but might have to wrestle the woman for it.  Gosh.

~ ~ ~

Listening to Josh Groban, the least one's current favorite music. Eclectic tastes these girls have.  

Take care.

'A Thing of Beauty' by Lisa Samson

Almost as soon as Lisa Samson's newest book A Thing of Beauty arrived I began reading.  While I cooked dinner, after we finished, in the bathtub, and turned the last page at 1:30am.  Today was a wash.  Had to take a nap.

I credit it with Lisa's talent for portraying unique people in a very engaging manner.  This story centers around a young woman called Fiona, who's a former child star.  She was involved in a horrendous situation as a young girl which was ignored by her parents (namely her mother) which in turn led to Fiona divorcing her parents.  Doesn't this ring a bell with something that happened in real life with a celebrity?

Anyway,  I was drawn in immediately.  Enjoyed all of the characters, and so appreciated that Fiona was surrounded by people who really loved her, that is, after she left the life of being a celebrity.  

The ending is charming, and without giving anything away, the whole story is a joy.  All the pieces fit, even the tendency of Fiona to be a hoarder.  She tried to fix things that weren't in her power to repair.  Not always easy going with her, but full of gentleness and grace.

(i received this book free to review from booklookbloggers)

Word for the Year

My dear friend Patricia, who suddenly passed away in the spring of 2012, and I had a habit of coming up with a word for the New Year.  Lots of folks do the same thing.  Last January, another year without her, I came up with SURRENDER as my word-for-the-year.  And I did.  Surrender.  I gave my all to caring for/arranging for my mom (though admittedly often with a bad attitude), and I surrendered more than I ever have in how I've prayed.  Not to sound too precious, though.  It was a sacrifice I paid dearly for in terms of my health.  I need to work on balance. I'm sort of an all or nothing type of gal.  Not that I'd do anything differently if I had it to do over again.  Sacrifice is necessary, and called for.  God said so.  Maybe I did things in too much of a lop-sided manner.

This year's word is REST.  And as a secondary word, NO.  When you get used to surrendering on a regular basis, God's command or not, if not balanced with self-care, a person can get exhausted big time. One of the women on the Altar Guild at church emailed all of the rest of us today to see if any would fill in for her while she works.  She's taken a job at Apple, and her time is tight on Sunday mornings.  I haven't said a word.  There was a time recently when I'd jump and accept the extra responsibility.  Not now, though.  No it is.

I want to get to a place where my shoulders aren't tight all the time.  Where I feel rested.  And the guilt doesn't spur me on to do one more thing, regardless as to whether I feel I actually can do that particular thing.  After feeling so guilt-ridden about my mom's ruined Christmas (unbeknownst to us), I asked her about going to church.  And while a church member has taken her a couple of times, Mom always says how much trouble it is (which it is---no way 'round that), and says no when the friends ask to take her now.  I pushed her a bit after Christmas, asking if she reeeeeeally wanted to go.  She went into the 'it's so much trouble' speech again, and I said I'd just ask her on Friday (tomorrow), if she'd like to come with us.  She doesn't want to go to her church with just Gary taking her, and asked if I'd go there too, and while I could cancel teaching Sunday School and doing the flowers, I'm not up to juggling that stuff or passing it off.  Yeah, maybe I'm playing hardball just a tad.  Or maybe I just don't want to go to her church.  So there.  I hope it rains.  She won't leave the house if it rains.  Mean, aren't I?  Honestly.  I'm. just. tired.

Too often I wake up in the mornings and feel the burden of her care.  Fretting about paying her bills on time, and worrying at her being alone so much.  She really does like being a hermit, but I don't like her to get so hold up that she's fearful of every. little. thing.  I almost think she'd rather not have the questions of going anywhere unless she brings it up.  She's so utterly content to have her tiny routines, though it'd drive me nuts.  She loves not having therapists in her house all the time, and I totally get that.  But I forget that in most ways she's happy in her odd Swiss cheese mind.  Shoot, I fret more than she does.  She appears to be most occupied with just maintaining her routine.  It's simple and to the point, but it keeps her level.  

But in order to continue to care for her, even with her over at her house, and us here at ours, I need to put myself more at the top of the list.  If something happens to me health-wise, my family here would suffer more than my mom.

REST, and keeping my focus more with what's here in front of me.  And, by golly, that's a hard one, especially with my mom in constant need.  But, it's worth trying.  And as a bonus, I might even end up feeling really great.  Happy New Year.