My dear friend Patricia, who suddenly passed away in the spring of 2012, and I had a habit of coming up with a word for the New Year. Lots of folks do the same thing. Last January, another year without her, I came up with SURRENDER as my word-for-the-year. And I did. Surrender. I gave my all to caring for/arranging for my mom (though admittedly often with a bad attitude), and I surrendered more than I ever have in how I've prayed. Not to sound too precious, though. It was a sacrifice I paid dearly for in terms of my health. I need to work on balance. I'm sort of an all or nothing type of gal. Not that I'd do anything differently if I had it to do over again. Sacrifice is necessary, and called for. God said so. Maybe I did things in too much of a lop-sided manner.
This year's word is REST. And as a secondary word, NO. When you get used to surrendering on a regular basis, God's command or not, if not balanced with self-care, a person can get exhausted big time. One of the women on the Altar Guild at church emailed all of the rest of us today to see if any would fill in for her while she works. She's taken a job at Apple, and her time is tight on Sunday mornings. I haven't said a word. There was a time recently when I'd jump and accept the extra responsibility. Not now, though. No it is.
I want to get to a place where my shoulders aren't tight all the time. Where I feel rested. And the guilt doesn't spur me on to do one more thing, regardless as to whether I feel I actually can do that particular thing. After feeling so guilt-ridden about my mom's ruined Christmas (unbeknownst to us), I asked her about going to church. And while a church member has taken her a couple of times, Mom always says how much trouble it is (which it is---no way 'round that), and says no when the friends ask to take her now. I pushed her a bit after Christmas, asking if she reeeeeeally wanted to go. She went into the 'it's so much trouble' speech again, and I said I'd just ask her on Friday (tomorrow), if she'd like to come with us. She doesn't want to go to her church with just Gary taking her, and asked if I'd go there too, and while I could cancel teaching Sunday School and doing the flowers, I'm not up to juggling that stuff or passing it off. Yeah, maybe I'm playing hardball just a tad. Or maybe I just don't want to go to her church. So there. I hope it rains. She won't leave the house if it rains. Mean, aren't I? Honestly. I'm. just. tired.
Too often I wake up in the mornings and feel the burden of her care. Fretting about paying her bills on time, and worrying at her being alone so much. She really does like being a hermit, but I don't like her to get so hold up that she's fearful of every. little. thing. I almost think she'd rather not have the questions of going anywhere unless she brings it up. She's so utterly content to have her tiny routines, though it'd drive me nuts. She loves not having therapists in her house all the time, and I totally get that. But I forget that in most ways she's happy in her odd Swiss cheese mind. Shoot, I fret more than she does. She appears to be most occupied with just maintaining her routine. It's simple and to the point, but it keeps her level.
But in order to continue to care for her, even with her over at her house, and us here at ours, I need to put myself more at the top of the list. If something happens to me health-wise, my family here would suffer more than my mom.
REST, and keeping my focus more with what's here in front of me. And, by golly, that's a hard one, especially with my mom in constant need. But, it's worth trying. And as a bonus, I might even end up feeling really great. Happy New Year.
