When I was on the friendly side of fifty, I was okay with my age. Now I've turned 55 and suddenly life feels very brief and fragile. I remember when I turned 40, I cried. Looked at the pretty silver heart charm Gary gave me and cried. Doesn't feel like that happened fifteen years ago. My goodness.
Can't hold a candle to fifty-five. I think it's that decade mindset. With the next one being sixty, I feel a bit challenged. Or old. Or sad that my neck is getting all crepey. I'm not too keen on those lines on my face that go from my nose to the corners of my mouth either. To tell the truth, my face has aged dramatically since my mom got sick back in November. I have lines around my mouth that are definitely new. And it seems I keep this overly sincere expression my face. What's up with that?
I remember a few years ago my cousin came over to visit and she was sitting at right angles to me. When I saw her profile, I noticed her neck was beginning to age. She's five years older than me, so thought nothing of it. Figured she was just getting a jump on the wrinkle scene. Later that day, was in the bathroom with the mirror, looking at my hair or something and got a glimpse of my neck. Shocker. I looked just like my cousin. Honestly, I don't look at myself from all angles most days, so any change from what I feel is the norm is a big surprise.
When my oldest childhood friend, Dana, died several years ago, I remember grieving over the fact that she was only 49 when she died. Didn't see fifty. I need to get some focus at some time on my perception of ageing and be grateful for the years and not just stricken with horror at all the evidence.
I need perspective. In so many ways. Yes, I'm thankful to be alive. I just wish it was easier.
