Fussy britches...

So, I was sitting in church before the service began, leaned over and told my husband, "Okay, today I just hate people."  He gives me a grin with that bearded face.  Asked if something specific had happened and I said that, no, I just hated folks.  Today.

Here's the deal.  I'm tired of people-pleasing.  Of so many Marthas at our church.  Such self-sacrificing women who just plain wear. me. out.  

I screw up.  Okay?  I really screw up sometimes.  And, you know, I don't have to bow to that pressure.  With God, I'm good enough right now,  Today.  I love that.  We need, as the body of Christ, to stop beating up on one another.  And do less, not more.  Take care of what's in front of us without fabricating more works.

There was a meeting after church about Christmas preparations and all the Advent goodness.  Gary was there and he volunteered to deliver the presents to the Neighborhood Christian Center in December, among other things.  Folks (the Marthas) were offering to do all sorts of things.  Okay, fine.  Be that way.  These are a couple of women who are already booked, but they just won't let up.  I promise, it'll get done.  But to load more on your already-weighted-down-backs is ridiculous.

I asked Gary afterward if I should've been there (honestly, I wasn't part of any committee who was supposed to be present). and he said I could've probably come and offered to do something, but to his credit, no pressure was laid on me.  He's a good man, even though he's got way too much energy.  I said I'd prefer to do things I felt the Lord setting in front of me than doing things just because of a void on the checklist.  I'm really big in following your spiritual giftedness, but really, anyone can take out the trash, you know?  No reason to be persnickety, but doing to be doing isn't the way.  And really, if some things DON'T get done, what's the worst that would happen?

Yeah, that's what I thought too.

Sadly, though, we won't have a Christmas Pageant this year.  My favorite thing.  I'll just have to get over it.  Correction:  Oldest daughter heard Gary and I talking about it just now and will offer to organize it.  Thrills me to bits.  So like the pageant from Sam Elliott's movie Prancer, a personal favorite, for obvious reasons.  Ahem.  Focus.  Focus.

More joy.  That's what I need and want.  And anybody remember me telling what my mom said the day after her stroke two years ago?  She said, "I wish I'd had more fun."

Words to keep tucked in your heart.

(listening to Toto's Africa and Rosanna)

Thinking about stuff...

Got to thinking this morning about how rigid I can be.  How hemmed in I behave in regards to certain things.  Not sure why, but I think I was raised that way.  And really, I believe in my younger days, that was more the norm.  Black and white lines, not so many grey areas either in life, religion or politics.

Now life is more messy, I know mine is.  My children are messy, and my house....oh my goodness.  Blurred lines are everywhere.

* * *

Speaking of which, put some Kilz on the bathroom ceiling.  We have major mildew issues, not in the walls or anything, but on surfaces in there.  And with a house that's moving toward seventy years old, with poor ventilation in the bathroom, guess it's not surprising.  Figure I'll gradually work on that room before the holidays.  I wanted to make myself a deadline, do a bit at time until it's done.  Might take awhile.

Why am I telling you this?  Accountability, maybe.  Or, perhaps I'm embarrassed at my new daughter-in-law having to go in there when they come for Thanksgiving.  Think me a slattern.  Yeah, that's probably it.

* * *

Last fall I bought a copy of that beautiful magazine Bella Grace and was looking at it earlier.

Giving myself a break today to color outside the lines, at least this morning.  Several things caught my eye in the magazine, including this quote by Mary Oliver:  

"What I want in my life is to be willing to be dazzled---to cast aside the weight of facts and maybe even to float a little above this difficult world."

And there's a piece written by a woman called Dee Taylor and she says this:

"She lifted the expectations of herself and was instantly set free.  You know that moment when you say to yourself, 'You are doing all you can do.  And that's good enough.  THIS.  IS.  FREEDOM.'"

My girls are excellent at this.  Even how they dress is unique and full of possibilities and originality.  They all seem to have a darned good self-esteem, something longing in my own life, and their opinions of themselves are healthy.  The least one struggles a bit with this, but at 13, I think that's not unusual.  She's still in the between stages.

I think I tend to suffer from the demon of 'not good enough' and it's a constant burden I tote around.  Last week I had too many tasks at the end of the week, and I kept at it, not wanting to let anyone down.  My mom doesn't understand personal limitations anymore, maybe because she doesn't place any on herself.  She avoids doing more than she actually wants to do, and has unintentionally handicapped herself.  For example, her desire to walk without her walker hasn't been strong enough to push her to move unassisted.  She does exactly what she wants to do, no more, and in that mindset, she's able to lay a lot on me/us instead.  Her expectations from me are a bit lofty at times, though she doesn't see it.  

So for me, even though I might have more to do that is healthy, because it's my reality, I lack the ability (it seems) to say, "This is more than I can bear.  Go away, little person."

My husband is of a type A personality.  I'm not.  Say what you will about opposites attracting, and you'd be right.  I'm whatever isn't a type A.  I sit a lot.  Rather folks keep quiet, and don't favor crowds.  He's not a people person, but is very enthusiastic when he's into something.  Intense is a mild word for him.  Aggressive and a bit in your face.  But I like that in a man, for whatever reason.  

Anyway, being so introspective might be a good thing.  I analyze my behavior, maybe too much, but I like to know why stuff happens.  Why do I have such a poor self-image?  Why is there self-hate going on?  Would losing weight help that?  Not sure, because I'd have to get to the root of the problem, and I'm not sure what it is.  Maybe just giving myself room for acceptance.  Not promising that I'll love myself when ____ happens, but now.  Not when I'm thin enough, but this very day.  Not when the house is ship-shape, but right now.

Today I'm toasting blurred lines.  There's more than one way of doing things.  And yes, today I'm good enough.  Do you realize how extraordinary it is to say that?  

Friday noon

Going through my library books last night, which included the newest decorating/design book from Kinfolk, called The Kinfolk Home.  I follow their FB page, and Kinfolk always has homey photos---but maybe more minimalistic than I prefer.  I enjoy spare rooms, but only in other people's homes.  The book has homes with lots of grey, black/white, and beige.  Very light on the eyes.  

But it's not cluttery enough for me.  I do like, what I call, eye clutter.  Lots of stuff.  Rooms loaded down with things to look at.  Maybe it's a security issue, but it's me.

Anyway, the photo is from the photo spread on pages 126-127 of the book.  Following page after page of clean and efficiently-designed areas, I was in the mood for more.  Here's what I saw:

I found it stunning.  Still monochromatic, as much of the book is, but so rich in textures and wonderful things.  Do find the book at the library and turn here.  I just stared and stared at these pages last night.  

* * *

Which got me on to thinking on who I am, and who I want to be for the rest of my life.  At the library bookstore yesterday, the woman who checked me out (who could've been about ten years older) commented on my braid.  (...follow along...i do have a point to make!)  She said she'd always wanted to grow her hair out like I have (it's still to my waist), but never figured her hair would be thick enough to weave a braid.  I told her that growing my hair out had been on my bucket list, and she laughed when I said it took about 15 years of not cutting it to get it this long---said she might not have that long left.  We both laughed at that.  Not likely.

So, I'm thinking....while I do still have children at home, my thinking can turn to *me* more often.  Hard to manage after years of putting them first.  I don't know.  There are things I do that are for my pleasure only, but I have a hard time fitting them in.  

And, oddly enough, letting the grey come out in my hair has been wonderful.  I'm liking to see who I am under the darker hair color.  Surprised at how quickly the grey is coming out, thinking the home color I've used is, more or less, fading and not so much having to grow out.  How 'bout that?  The least one was braiding it the other day and she commented on the silver weaving in the braid, said she thought it was pretty, and off we went.  Yes, I'm incapable of doing my own hair, not having long-enough arms to do it myself.  I need ape arms.

So, who am I when the children aren't so much in the picture?  What place do I want to fill when they've all left our nest?  My loves are design and decorating (with my Interior Design degree this is normal), an unnatural love of books (very excessive), writing, the Anglican church, and herbal studies.  That's, pretty much, who I am.  Oh, and I have all this hair.

You didn't want a bio, but you got one anyway!  The hard part is being that person more, not just as an aside.  And I think women my age suffer with this, and not sure if children cause the largest hiccup or if it's just part of the growing older syndrome.  

Just thinking about stuff.  My mind got to wandering, spurred on by those two pages, and this is what I had in my head.  My goodness.

Enjoy the day.

Monday morning

Ordered by oldest daughter to take it easy today.  Nothing's wrong, but she reminded me last night that whenever I have contact with our boys, I need a day or so to recover.  I'm such an emotional mess.  Life was easier when they were all under my thumb, before the Internet became everyone's best friend.  Didn't realize at the time how the phrase, "Go to your room" was so problem-solve-worthy.

Nothing big on tap for the week.  With middle daughter's birthday coming up, on Halloween no less----we'll go a local Methodist church in a day or so which has a front area filled with pumpkins.  Except for last year, we always go there and buy several pumpkins to decorate with, especially for her birthday.  We don't do Halloween at our house, meaning we don't buy candy for the ones who come to the door, but focus on her.  We light candles, sort of huddle together and have a wonderful dinner.  It's very cozy.

And the big library book sale is this week.  All us addicts must at least go and see if we need to add to our already overabundance of books.  One of the men who runs the library bookstore took the youngest girls and me to their basement last week to see where their overstock is kept, including the room where some retired men repair the oldest books.  Middle daughter was obviously salivating at seeing all the movies and books.  And they already have boxed books set aside for the sale.  Hold me back. 

That's really all I have to do this week out of the ordinary.  We have our big Fish Fry at church this Sunday and we're down yearly to help with the Harvest Festival for the neighborhood afterward.  Two churches have stuff for the kids outside, including decorating cookies, a pet costume competition, a hay wagon and a fire truck to climb on.  After the Fish Fry, we'll high-tail it home (five minutes away) to rest for an hour or so before heading back there to set up for the kids.  

But that's way away on Sunday.  Maybe the Lord will come back before then and we won't have to help. I'm not keen on the Halloween stuff we do at church, not that I have issues with that holiday, but I've never been a fan of other folks' kids.  There.  I've said it.  Eye-roll.

Well, best go.  Chilly, sunny day.  Yummy soup for dinner (the one with Italian sausage, white kidney beans and kale) and youngest daughter is making bread to go with it.  All I have to do today is fetch Mom's prescriptions and take her some groceries that are in the freezer.  (my heart flies whenever even the thought of going over there comes up)  I'll wait and do that when a vehicle is here to drive.  Other than that, I'm able to chill.  And at my stage of life, that's the key to survival.  And while it sounds as if I'm ending this on a sour note, I'm really not.  Things are well indeed.

Note about template change here;  I've loaded a split screen, and it's supposed to work with text to the left and the sidebar to the right (with a photo to the right).  It lines up on my laptop, but would like to know or if it's wonky on yours.  It's all for naught, though, if it's strange-looking on other devices.  Let me know, will you?

Monday afternoon

Seems since the wedding earlier in the month, our house has been crying to itself.  Dust me.  Sweep my floors.  Vacuum up the dog hair.  Re-arrange the furniture.  Please.

Okay, I hear you.  Tomorrow's the day.  Would've been today but after schoolwork was finished, we went to the store to get dinner for tonight and tomorrow night.  Tired.  I get so weary, so fast, and it doesn't pay to do too much.

* * *

Had planned on getting Mom's groceries today, as is our routine, but she called me this morning and said her money was low (over $500.00 in the bank but it's low to her) and while her SS check will be here on Friday, she says she just can't seem to afford any food now.  She has little notebooks on her side table from years back and they have daily tallies of her bank balance.  Even now she calls the bank twice a day to check it.  I'm thinking this is an obsession.

Pulling out hair.

I told her she'd not go broke, but she can't get her head around that fact.  I talked and I talked, trying to reason with her, but she can't understand.  Her bills are paid, no unexpected things are coming out, but still, she feels on edge.  I get it as best as I can.  She can't control anything since her stroke, so if she can control spending, that's something, I guess.

The thing is, she'll really not eat if she's feeling like she's going into the poor house.  I've even asked her about this (you heard this same story a couple of months ago) idea of not eating, and she denies it.  Says she'll eat.  But here's the thing:  I can't get back to the store until Thursday, so while this might sound like I'm trying to teach her a lesson, there is a reason we go on Mondays.  There is life to be lived here, and the days and sometimes nights are busy.  Bet she'll be real hungry come Thursday.  Kidding.  She has food, just not as much as I like to see in her house.

Caring for an aged parent is hard, hard, hard.  

Tomorrow is a home day.  Cleaning, both physical and in the mental realm.  Can't tote my mom around in my head too long or I'll go nuts.  I was all shaky after talking to her, just a drain, but we just do the best we can.  My best isn't probably someone else's best, but what can I say?

The least one is our chef tonight.  She's got a dab hand with baking, but never makes the main meal.  She picked out Enchilada Soup from my Cooking Pinterest board, and so will leave now to put on the chicken for her.  Then, it's up to her. :)

Nosy neighbors

My husband says it's more totalitarianism, yet here in a mild way.  It's odd to me what presses folks' buttons anymore.  Our neighborhood association, which we used to be members of before they got so controlling---has begun (according to our oldest daughter who reads their FB page) to post photos of houses in the neighborhood which show wise landscaping choices.  The aim being to thwart crime, and let me tell you, folks are paranoid.  The thing is, every photo shows little marshmallow bushes and lots of space.  We don't comply, so won't have our photo up.  We're the example of what not to do.  

Used to, you could landscape and have a pretty yard, and be left alone.  Now seems folks want to have a hand in your business, which for me, is a new thing.  I'm used to living way under the radar, in all areas.  (Maybe being homeschoolers, that's been a necessary choice in my opinion.)  We landscaped so we could sit on the front porch and not be watched, being the houses are so close together.  It's a nice hideaway.  But porch sitting in our neighborhood is a long gone pass-time.  Nobody much does it, sadly enough.  Guess they're staying inside by the windows watching out, being fearful.

Personally I think home should be all about sanctuary and feeling safe.  Not having to judge our actions on whether anyone else approves.  Gosh, that's not inviting.  The biggest laugh, however, came when the president of the association was cited by the city recently when they toured the neighborhood, looking for violations.  She got hit with five citations.  Her house is neat and tidy, but they have motorcycles they're working on and some construction that's been long-going.  Apparently that's a no-no.

Justice is sweet, even when I'm just watching from the sidelines. Behind the bushes.

Untitled, because I don't feel clever...

Well, a mental crash of sorts seems to be a regular thing for me this year.  My word of the year was REST, and it was sort of prophetic.  Didn't realize how necessary to my sanity, though.  I know more about certain things now than I did then, so maybe I am a prophet.

Woke up very dizzy this morning and figure the impact (pardon the pun) of yesterday's mishap finally got to me.  You can live in an adrenaline rush for a bit, then reality hits and down you go.  Least I do.  Oh, and shortly after I woke up, Gary talked to the girl's insurance company and she was beginning to say that there was a witness that said she was innocent and Gary ran the light.  Good grief.  The police report says differently.  After a few more anxious moments, her insurance company back-pedaled and reneged on that statement.  Anxious moments indeed.  

I was supposed to take my mom to the doctor, but Gary went instead with our youngest son to help.  My husband goes and goes and goes.  His famous quote is 'Now what?' which is pretty apt for him.  He can always do one more thing, and if you know he's sick or hurt and ask him how he is, he always says fine.  Always.  I'm not complaining about him because lots of women have whining husbands who will jump at the chance to be sick.  Mine, however, doesn't happen to be one of them, but my foolish notion is that I'm made the same way.  Oldest daughter says to me today, "You're always telling us girls to take care of ourselves, but you don't do it yourself.  Why is that?"  Don't have an answer for her.

The rest of the day should be non-stressful, and hopefully the remainder of the week.  Please.  We now have a rental car...some cute Chevy SUV, but I'm not sure what it is.  Still not sure of the truck settlement.  They may offer a selection of used cars/trucks, but likely we'll lean toward cash to do with as we please, purchase-wise.  

More information than any of you need to read, but I needed to write it.  Also on my mind is fourth son who's today taking off work to move his stuff from his brother's apartment to the place he'll share with his boyfriend.  Yeah, that's enough to make most moms dizzy.  Makes my heart beat fast just to type it.

You all take care.  I've had enough myself.

Sunday night

Clean house, cook dinner, sweep floor, read restful books, have breakfast tea in bed, sit outside, meditate on quiet things, drink more tea, sit with chickens, vacuum rugs, replant some chocolate mint, take a nap, remember Who's in control, love my family, pray, focus on good things, write in journal.

Take a break from reading/listening to the news.  Taking it way too personally.  Hard not to.

Remember life is settled in two columns:  Those things you can control, those you can't control.

But I can pray.

Exhale and don't take on more than I can personally handle.  I'm not handling the news well at all.  Must find a quiet place in my heart.  

Muttering along

I'm such a slow mover.  Signed up for email notifications in regards to a book I'll review in the next few weeks--there's a Bible study/book study to go along with it.  The first few emails poured in---actually poured in, and the women who run the site are so full of energy and enthusiasm.  Frankly, it makes me tired. :)  As I said, slow mover.  Too much effervescence makes me want to run the other way.  I had to put my email notifications on snooze for a bit.  Otherwise I'll just delete.  

When you get to looking, there are plenty of Christian women's sites like that.  They have such big, white teeth.  Beautiful 30-something young women who have such a following.  Good for them, but I need a tired old fifty-something women's group.  The one where you really don't care what the other person looks like, and you toss off your shoes and put up your feet.  Not into making an impression, just making it through the day. 

Can I hear an Amen?

The older I get, the less I'm impressed.  Folks try so hard.  Me, I try hard, but in different ways.  Honestly, when I get in bed at night, I'm so relieved.  I'll joke with Gary that we've survived another day.  Thank you, God, that we made it.  Might sound defeatist, but if you had some of my children, you'd feel the same way.  Gosh.

* * *

Cleaned behind another cabinet in the living room today.  The least one got behind it and did the walls, trim and floor.  Sparkly, pretty much.  Moved it back at a different angle and re-filled the shelves.  Just refreshing to see it all tidy.  And that was all I could do.  Naptime!  Tomorrow we'll pull out the piano and clean there, then redo the arranging on top of it.  My energy level is still sorta stinky.  You'd really think I'd been sick. Anyway, it's gratifying to get things neat.  Does my spirit such good.

Be sweet.

Friday night

A quiet weekend ahead.  Asked Mom if she wanted to go to church with us, and she'll call tomorrow to let me know.  Have to go to the store, buy flowers for the altar, and that's about it.  I told my family that Mother's Day began tonight at sundown, so I already have a foot into the weekend.

Soaked some Morning Glory seeds last night, and hope to put them in the ground tomorrow.  Rain is expected, so that should be in my favor.  I've dragged my feet over gardening, just not having my heart in it.  My 79 year old neighbor puts me to shame, especially since now she's borrowed our shovels and has tilled up ALL BY HERSELF an area about 8 feet square.  There's not a weed to be seen in her garden.  I've got a 4' square spot for vegetables and there it sits, barely tilled and acquiring weeds by the second.  Not very impressive.  Not very square either.  More of a rounded-edge square.  You get the idea.  Clearing out a bed isn't my favorite thing.  My favorite thing is to cut flowers to bring inside for an arrangement.  I need me a gardener.

My strong suit is my perennials.  Put most in about 8 years ago or so, and they continue to make me proud.  Some bare spots need filling in, so maybe this weekend I can do that. My family tends to give me some flowers for Mother's Day, and that'll be what I occupy myself with on Sunday afternoon.  Maybe.  Maybe they'll give me some, and maybe I'll plant them if they do.  Gary?  :)  Sundays tend to be nap-time in the afternoon, so we'll have to see.  If Mom goes with us, the stress level will be tilted to the right a bit, so I figure we'll do stuff as it comes.

Oh, I will say this:  The girls and I got Mom's groceries for the weekend today.  Picked up youngest son, who spends Fridays with her, and cleaned up her house a bit.  My mom and I got on so well.  No tensions and a very sweet visit.  Some days it just works.  Prayer does its work again.  I just have to let it go, avoid dragging up past grievances in my head, and allow my mom to be who she is.  Her poor brain is so damaged, and I need to cut her some slack.  I mean, really.  I can walk around, and do what I want.  She doesn't have that freedom, being locked into a life centered inside her house and not even all the rooms in her house.  Even that's limited.  I need to lay off.

That said, I'm praying for a restful weekend for all of us.  I want her to feel blessed.  It's hard to keep my head in the right place, but here's where baby steps come in.

Happy Mother's Day weekend.

Midweek things

For some odd reason, this morning I was hit with the idea of reading a blog I used to visit.  The woman who writes there had a stroke suddenly a few years ago.  Healthy, athletic, totally out of the blue for her to get ill in this way.  Well, she's written sporadically since her stroke, and frankly, I'd quit reading her.  No reason, but busyness on my part.  This morning I got updated on her life and was so shocked.  She's now living with her folks, and her husband and their children live in another city.  She's not seen her children in almost a year.  So sad.  I don't know the details, and don't need to know, but it renewed my hatred for strokes.  They're so devastating, and the destruction is all-encompassing.  One of the results of my mom's stoke is her altered personality.  It's often like nobody's at home.  A blankness which makes me sad and angry at the same time, but it's the reality.  To see my mom's puzzled expression infuriates me and that's the hard part.  It's true and not something I can change. I think my anger is directed at the loss.  My mom's physical self is present, but the nugget of her own self is gone for good.

Have to remember this is somebody's else life, both the blogger and my mom.  Mine is full enough.  

Saw secretly married son today.  His birthday was last week, but this is the first time we'd seen him in a few weeks.  He looked great, was tired, but we had a sweet visit.  And talked to freshly gone son, Jacob, and he's having a wonderful time.  Says it's hard to get used to nice folks.  His job at the restaurant here was so stressful, and the language and all was a drain.  Lots of profanity in a restaurant kitchen---the norm for most of them.  A hard work environment.  Well, where he is now, it's the opposite.  Not to say it won't get stressful when the place opens for the summer, but he says it appears that folks care.  A new situation for him.  Plus the inner-city church he went to here was long on need and short on giving to the involved members.  Jacob has a servant's heart, so was taken advantage of continually.  So glad he's left that for this new job.  

Now then.  Tomorrow is a home day.  Today was busy with going to Intercessory Prayer and then Bible Study tonight.  Neat thing---Gary really got into this class (it ended tonight), being one of the main folks who pipes up and comments.  He's getting over his angst with Anglicans and has grown accustomed to the rituals.  He's not keen, but is okay with it.  For that I'm deeply thankful.  In time God has answered that prayer.  I didn't see that coming.

Chickens tomorrow, white bean soup for dinner, maybe some dinner rolls and cornbread.  A quiet day without added things to do.  Sounds amazing.

Easter night

Well, the kids keep me on my toes.  Second son is accepting the job in Northern California that starts in early May.  He's given notice at his apartment and his job.  He's so excited he can hardly stand himself.  God is allowing things to fall into place before him in a truly amazing way.  I think that makes the Lord smile.  I know this son does.  He SO wants to stay in His face.  And the girl he's been writing lives within an hour from where he'll be (mentioned before).  She's working at a Christian ranch (organic stuff and all), and he'll be cooking, which is his first love, and some outside work too at a Christian retreat.  Turns out, she's the one who recommended him for this job.  I'm thinking this might work out romantically as well. :)  His job is possibly seasonal.  May through August with the possibility of permanent.  He might not come back.  That'd be odd.

He'll drive, and was hoping oldest daughter would go with him, but she's not keen on the part where she'll fly home alone (two layovers were the easiest I could find).  She's not in an adventurous mindset now.  We'll have to pray for how this works out.  I'm not going to fix it, but this has been so smooth so far, no reason for that not to continue.  He'll shoot straight west on I-40, hit Sacramento, then zoom north.  Or something like that.  Don't quote me on that.

God has this.

Just wanted to say that some of our children really want God's will.  Not to slam the others, but it's so refreshing when I see their faithful spirits.  So huge a blessing to me.

~ ~ ~

As to Easter, Mom went to church with us.  She said she enjoyed it, but it exhausted her, so she didn't want to get out again for dinner here.  Just getting in and out of the truck was a surprise as to how hard it was.  She looked sort of shocked.

Anyway, three sons didn't come, but those who were here were second son (above), and the ones who live here.  We had such a good time.  No stress and just a restful day.  I actually felt so much better without the drama the others bring, love them though I do.

Feeling stronger, especially after my epiphany of sorts on Maundy Thursday while praying.  Leaving those burdens at His feet.....amazing.

Being a mom

Got out to myself for a bit this afternoon.  Oldest daughter was taking a nap, so I was able to use her car.  Gary was at the shop with the truck, so I had to borrow.  Small change.  Nice to be away from the house.  Needs to happen much more often.  Sanity, you know.  Listened to Taylor Swift (blame my girls), and Plumb. Daughter's car has exceptional speakers.  Makes you all silly happy just to listen.

Went to the library after picking up a couple of things for youngest son's 19th birthday on Monday.  This son....he's unique.  Very quiet and shy, but when you ask his opinion, he's very sure of himself.  

Anyway, he draws.  And draws extremely well.  He asked for an anatomy book for his birthday, a bit like the type we'd use when I was in college.  I had a life drawing class then, and we were offered the choice of using nude or clothed models.  I knew I'd die of embarrassment to be in a class with a nude model, but we all were pretty grown-up about it.  It wasn't about being naughty.  Our son and I talked yesterday about that sort of stuff, especially considering what some of his brothers have gotten up to.  He was aware of my point in the conversation and I was able to share with him exactly what was on my mind.  He has a wisdom in his youth that I appreciate.  I'm praying his head is where it needs to be, especially because of the art books he's using for his work.  Even Leonardo da Vinci (who he's really partial to, was a bit edgy).  He said you might as well be adult about it.  It's about learning to draw the parts of the person.  Not about looking at those things wrong.  I told him that while he might feel there's more pressure on him and the remaining brother who's straight up, that's not the intention.  But stressed how easy it is to get off-track.  Three brothers wandering, two walking the narrow.  Sweetly he said for me to not give up on the others.  I loved that.  And, no, I haven't.

Back to the outing.  Went to the library bookstore and got Beowulf for my main squeeze.  He's reading War and Peace too.  Show-off.  Also got Stillmeadow Calendar by Gladys Taber and The Prayers of Peter Marshall (the only one of Catherine Marshall's I'd not had).  Spent a sweet four bucks total.  

Now, about listening to Plumb---she has a song called 'Cut' about just that.  Cutting.  One son dabbled in that, but I think it was more on the level of curiosity, not about seriously doing it.  My experimental son.  Anyway, at about 2:27 into that song, she really belts it out.  That's what I need to do.  Or find a mountain and just yell over the side.  Or as I've said before, throw oranges against a tree.  The stress is less since I'm paying attention to what sets me off, but still, couldn't we all benefit from a bag of oranges?

Thursday night

This is such a silly admission.  Last night, youngest son was watching a video that our second son had rented---'Guardians of the Galaxy.'  At the beginning, the lead character has on headphones and is listening to old (sounds like 80's music---my generation) tunes.  He gets his groove on, is dancing and looks so cool, and I had the craziest thought, that that's the way I am in my head.  I can dance really well, and always have my groove on.  In my head.  Yeah, I can moonwalk.  In my head.  Like when you're in the grocery store and a great song comes on over the stereo system (when they're not announcing specials), and how you get the strongest urge to do a dance down the cereal aisle.  

Am I the only one?

~ ~ ~

Got out to do some shopping today, and went to the library's used bookstore first.  Found a few Frederick Buechner's for second son, and a John Keats for oldest daughter, along with a couple of vintage Christmas children's books.  Another Miss Read for me and a Susan Hill, also an Anne Lamott.  Addict.  

Moving on.

~ ~ ~

Going to bake tomorrow.  On Pinterest I found a recipe for Christmas Cranberry Bars, and it's showing up at the bottom of this page (well, today it is).  The other day in the misfit pile of seconds at the store, I got four bags of sort of fresh/not so fresh cranberries that'll be perfect for this recipe and some cranberry bread.  Looking forward to it.  For three boys who don't live here I'll make goodie bags with their gifts.  I'll put in some of the cranberry stuff, depending on how it works out.  Figure we'll give some to our neighbors as well.  I'm thinking the Bars will make a lot.  Hoping so.

Time to quit.  Listening to One Direction, and second daughter is feeding my pigs on HayDay.  She's got a silly grin on her face, so will see what she's actually doing on my phone.  We're so lame.

Gone fishin'

Taking a blogging break.  A little Internet housekeeping probably in order.  If my site goes private in the meantime after you read this, not to worry.  Will be back up soon.  :) 

Having a love affair with parentheses

Had promised myself to not get frazzled this week, and have already broken my promise.  Figured today could be spent with cleaning (not in a mad-woman sort of way, but quietly), but that's not happening.  Called my mom to ask her a banking question, which set the ball rolling. She was very sweet (which is her nature now), and we got squared away, but it involved me going to her bank, which I didn't have on my schedule.  Had to go to ours as well, since their mobile app didn't accept two deposits last night.  Then had to pay Mom's bills, get stamps, which happily have reindeer on them (had mild anxiety attack because of too much to do), bought her groceries so we could deliver them either tomorrow or Wednesday (pumping for Wednesday).  Now in bed resting.

Dang.

I do figure, though, if I stay home tonight (have to delay grocery shopping 'til those checks clear), then tomorrow can pass in a routine sort of way, except for doing our Thanksgiving shopping, which ought to be fun, and I really mean that.  Having to shop around for turkey deals though, since our store isn't having one.  Got a mid-sized one at Target today when I got Mom's stuff (store brand, $.89/pound) to roast on Thanksgiving Eve to save for Thursday to add to the bigger turkey I'm planning to roast then.  One isn't enough.  Well, if I could buy a 30 pound turkey it'd be enough. :)  Not happening.  There's not such a bird.  Is there?

Then probably on Wednesday will take Mom her things, help her bathe and do her hair in preparation for her to go to her sister's with my oldest brother for Thanksgiving.  And get home in time to go to church, which I'm really looking forward to.  A quiet spell in the midst (or at the end of) my busyness.  The least one is an acolyte this month, so she has to be there anyhow.  Incense would be nice too, but not holding my breath.  Would be delightful, though.

~ ~ ~

On a curious note, second son is helping a friend slaughter/kill/process/execute (what's the right word?) chickens and turkeys tomorrow.  Interesting, but not so much that I need details.  Just thought it was an odd thing to make note of.  On the upside, he might get paid in poultry.  Organic, and probably happy meat.  We'll see.

~ ~ ~

Will toddle off now.  Talking settled my spirits some.  I can hear middle daughter puttering around in the kitchen, cleaning and such.  Bless her heart.  She's got music on her headphones, so is mindlessly tidying up.  Such a help.

Take care and be kind to yourselves.  This is supposed to be a happy holiday, remember.

Friday noon-time

A drizzly day, which always strikes me as a gift.  Went out just after seven this morning to let out the chickens.  A mist was in the air, the sun was breaking through the clouds just a bit, and the hens were beginning to make noise.  Damp, not so chilly, though it was only in the high thirties even then.  But there's a huge difference in twenties and thirties.  Almost warm.  

I always speak to the girls before I open up the coop, taking off the safety latch that keeps the monsters out----slowly opening the door so's I don't scare them.  They sort of mutter back to me, a quiet hen-sound.  Then begin eating ravenously the bread I always give them as a morning treat.  Some leftover seed from our Conure.  Two are in the throes of molting now, the other two finished for the most part, and we're not getting any eggs at present.  They're busy making new feathers, and have no energy to make eggs.  I understand being a chicken is hard work.

So.  Only at home with two youngest girls, and we'll have a quiet day.  Leftover chili for dinner---actually made of Moose, from meat brought home from fourth son's work.  His bosses go hunting every fall, and they gifted their employees.  Makes me shudder to cook wild meat, but it's really very tasty.  You just have to get over the fact that it's Moose.  Bullwinkle.  You know.

I need rest today.  Turn off worries, which really aren't worries, but preoccupations that cause my mind to stumble along.  Things about Mom.  Our children.  Things I can't change, but have to either accept or deal with in my head.  Life.  

Off I go.

Friday morning

A few of you asked what author Robert Benson had said in his letter to me---he thanked me for the note I'd sent him awhile back, said they'd had sickness in his home, and that he was glad his 'scribbles' as he put it, were of a help to me.  Imagine.  Scribbles.  Very gentlemanly, and kind, which is how he comes across in his books anyway.  Such a joy to receive.  I've never gotten a letter from an author before, but not sure as I've ever written one.  He puts his address in the back of some of his books, so is available, and he's in Nashville, which is just a hop-skip and a jump away.

~ ~ ~

COLD here.  Below freezing at night, for several evenings lately, but supposed to be warmer for Thanksgiving.  Hopefully before then.  Darn cold for the South this early.

~ ~ ~

Finished Jan Karon's Home to Holly Springs last night.  I'd bought it at the library sale--the only one of her novels I'd not read so far, and it was good to get the background story that leads into her newest book.  Had to laugh at the light swearing some of the character's engage in, if you want to all it that.  For years my husband has said he "doesn't give a rat's a**," and to read that in her books was a pleasant surprise.  And to find that Father Tim was more human than I'd given him credit for.  He's sort of larger than life in Mitford, and sometimes appears too good to be true.  Glad he's ordinary and messed up like the rest of us.  Not sure but this book is her most honest portrayal of him.  Online I found a very sweet interview with her here.  You might enjoy it---I sure did.

Appreciated that she got the Tennessee/Mississippi (Miss'ippi, as we say) accent down pat, but she's pretty good at that, even though she hails from North Carolina. :)  All Southern accents are not equal, by any means.

At the same sale, picked up a copy of Patches of Godlight as well, and have been thumbing through that one.  It's more of a read a bit, put it down sort of book, but I'm glad to have it.

~ ~ ~

Waiting for Gary to get paid from a couple of customers---down to gas and toilet paper money, so more in the coffers will be nice when these folks step up to the plate.  I told him he ought to say that his poor children will go hungry this weekend if they don't pay up.  Not sure as folks always understand the dilemma of the self-employed, though the two designers we're waiting for are self-employed as well.  'Course they have husbands who have regular jobs.  C'mon now. (he just texted me---one customer is coming before noon---hallelujah)

In a bit of a 'Stinky Pete' mood, nonetheless. Had a run-in with youngest son yesterday about his English work, and he had a bit of a trying attitude. Gary puts it down to him being 18, but I'm not convinced.  Moms and sons....not my finest hour.  The girls cut me more slack.

~ ~ ~

Will go now.  Tea-time is way over, and need to get it in gear.  Said son is at my mom's for the day, with English book in-hand.  He needed to get outta here.  Will tidy the house in preparation for everyone being home for dinner.  Something HOT sounds comforting, and comfort is a special need for me lately.  Take care.

Tuesday morning

A bit misty outside, and should rain in awhile.  I'm lying in bed, window open, and can hear a dove in the Oak tree in the backyard.  The chickens are all settled in the corner of their run, just fluffed up and thinking about things.  Quiet. Nice.

I find that lately I'm craving silence so much.  Way too much noise in my life.  I read a piece by Lanier at The Rabbit Room about that same topic.  And while a 'get away' would be ideal, for most of us, we have to take it as we can find it.  And to find it at home seems to be the way.  Not the easiest process. Going to make today a restorative time.  At least that's the plan at this very moment.

~ ~ ~

With a busy weekend behind me, I'm taking my week more slowly.  And am planning on us taking a break with no church duties the weekend of the 8th of November.  Will ask someone else to do the flowers, acolyte for the least one, and will take a pause from teaching children's Sunday school.  

~ ~ ~

Youngest son is at the shop with Gary today.  This son has been a bit of a challenge lately, not in a disrespectful sense, but just annoying.  He drives the girls nuts as well.  And I told Gary, it appears that most of my boys doubt my wisdom a good bit of the time.  He blames it on a natural rift between mom and sons, not so much a disrespect issue, but a denial of moms having much going on.  He seems to be speaking from experience.  Huh.  Not too crazy about being thought of as being low in the intelligence scale.  To my boys (at least the majority), I'm the mom who may have a college degree, but is still just a mom.  Maybe to them I excel in mediocrity.  Not going to dwell on that one.

No hard tasks lined up for today.  Make shortbread---the butter is out on the counter now, softening up.  Tidy and maybe hang the fall wreaths.  I'm late doing that.  Maybe I excel at puttering?

I recently read a book (can't think of the title, but it sounds like an Elizabeth Berg or Carrie Brown type of story, but can't remember), about a young woman who had lost her husband the previous year and had a small daughter.  For a full year she'd stayed in bed and had totally withdrawn.  She was living with her mother-in-law, I think, and was finally waking up mentally from the despair of her husband's loss.  The story next goes into she and her daughter skipping town and truly allowing themselves to experience life again.  Great story, but can't place it.  While I've not had to deal with a death in the past 12-18 months, there have been an over-abundance of difficulties.  But life is beginning in small ways to glimmer, and I'm waking up again to my own life.  In that space of time three sons have moved out and two of those have moved in directions contrary to their upbringing.  My mom has lost her independence, leaning on me more and more, so I've misplaced my mother in one sense with her stroke affecting her ability to be the adult.  Many changes in a tight space of time.

Hard realities.  But you know what helps?  This might sound silly, but Gary says that these boys have chosen the paths they're on.  They're really happy with what they're doing.  I tend to think someone has tricked them, taken over their minds (and maybe these girls have, but my boys aren't mindless idiots) and made them be rotten.  And honestly, in her odd little way, thankfully my mom is happy as well.  Anti-depressants have helped in that area, I'm sure.  She doesn't know how to cry anymore, and a stroke is definitely cause for tears.  So, the three individuals who tap my joy can be checked off as requiring so much of my mental energy.  I cause myself undo angst.

~ ~ ~

But, the thing is, I have to look past the difficulties and get on with it, so they say.  In the new Jan Karon there's a perfect quote.  

"We, however, need to keep praying ad trusting God, and moving ahead to things like lunch and dry-cleaning and a dozen eggs at the Local." ~from Somewhere Safe with Somebody Good

Pray, trust the Lord, and LIVE.  Repeat the next day.

I just have to do today, and that has to be enough.  Sufficient to the day..., you know.

Hidden blessings

This might be lengthy, so you may need to fetch a snack first.

Lots of things on my mind, first and foremost, I had a good night's sleep---and it's the best one in months and months.  Maybe longer than that.  Years?

Here's the thing.  While I dearly miss our dog, Opal, I don't miss the way she always had to get up at 6am or even earlier, for her breakfast.  That dog was a fool for her meals.  Even as a puppy.  And since our second son still comes by our house for a late dinner on his way to his apartment after he leaves the restaurant (which I love that he does this), it gets us to bed, sometimes at one a.m. So, six o'clock and even 5:30am in the summer for Opal was just plain mean.  Try to get back to sleep after dealing with four dogs and four chickens.  It sort of wakes you up.

So, oldest daughter (who alternates getting up with them) and I decided to just let the dogs wake up whenever, since Opal wasn't here to stir up everybody.  Bliss.  Sadly it's true.  Until we got Romeo 3 years ago, I was the one who'd always get up.  After our daughter found him at work (someone just dropped him off in her employer's shop backyard) and brought him home (yeah, we're suckers), we've taken turns.  She felt since she dumped another dog on us that she should share in the responsibility, and I gladly accepted her morning help.

And now it turns out Romeo, Daisy and Violet enjoy a good lie-in.  Bless their hearts.  And the chickens aren't in a big hurry to leave the coop since it's getting cooler.  Nice this morning to wake up when I was done sleeping and not before.  Makes a HUGE difference in how I feel.  So this is what folks talk about when they say they feel rested.  Huh.  Who knew?

~ ~ ~

Also, talked to Gary about my shaky mental health last night.  Came to the conclusion all on my own that I tend to put my mom's needs first in my head and they should be on down the list.  God first, my family (especially Gary) next, then the kids, then my mom.  I'm tucked in there somewhere, hopefully before my mom.  Hmmm, seems this list needs further work.

But in celebration of ME, I worked on my herbal lessons this morning before the kids got up.  Wrote down some healing recipes in my book I'm creating (I want it to appear sort of magical with drawings and such) and I enjoyed that.  Have set my own schoolwork aside for too long of a time, so I was refreshed.  Have got to pay attention to me or I'll just dry up.

Now. Have fully purged my thoughts.  It's been a good day.  Got in some painting too.  Am renewing the white trim in the bathroom and gradually doing the kitchen cabinets as well.  I tend to give up before beginning sometimes and am taking baby steps instead.  I'll whittle out the painting just like I read Middlemarch and am now reading Les Miserables.  A tiny bit at a time.

Done now.  Take a break.