Saturday's end

Oldest daughter got up with the dogs and chickens this morning and I slept in.  Woke up just after ten and was surprised at how late it was.  Wonderful.  Got my tea tray together and took it out back, sitting with the chickens.  Fortunately the temperatures have risen a bit, so even though it's been overcast, the morning was perfect for sitting outside.  I've missed it.

The day was busy enough, as it was, so a quiet start sure helped.  A birthday lunch with church friends at Chick-fil-A with the least one, then as soon as we got back home from that, it was time to take middle daughter and youngest son, along with another friend to the church for pizza and 'Lord of the Rings'. Movie night for the teenagers. Good fun for my three youngest, who've needed a distraction with all that's been going on with my mom. And after that took fourth son with me to get the altar flowers.  Hot pink, pink and white this time.  The altar cloths are green so thought the pinks would look pretty.  In my world, it's always an excellent color choice.

Now after a cup of tea, am resting in bed.  Looking forward to some gardening time tomorrow.  The day will be warm-ish again, and I have some pansies to put in the ground.  Might have to work around the showers that are expected.  Oldest daughter and fourth son gathered some bags of pine straw from a neighbor's house earlier this evening.  Have been watching out for folks raking up the straw, and hit paydirt today. Don't know of anyone here who uses it for mulch, and most just leave it at the curb.  And as well, most people have the leaves raked and blown out of the flower beds this time of year, leaving the bushes and plants most vulnerable.  Doesn't make sense to me. It's going to be really cold come December.  

With church, a visit to my mom and gardening, Sunday will be full, but a good full.  Take care.

Working things out in my head

One of the hardest parts about facing a challenge is not to allow the challenge to become you.  It's hard not to be so overwhelmed that the problem becomes the fabric of everyday. I don't have a handle on this, and never have.  When my dad was sick with lung cancer twenty years ago, he was in the hospital for six weeks. That was from initial diagnosis to his passing away.  And it wasn't the cancer that got him, but a blood clot. I realize the clot came about because of the cancer treatment, but did the cancer directly kill him?  Not really.

I remember, though, that his illness colored every day that spring.  I was expecting our fifth child, and unfortunately the last conversation I had with my dad at their house was concerning that baby.  I'd gone over to tell them both about the pregnancy and he thought we were irresponsible (which we might have been), and I regret that anger colored that last visit before he began to feel sick.  You can see how a daughter would take on responsibility for a parent's sickness when they show symptoms after a blow-up.  Least I did. Nevermind he smoked for 50 years.  I still felt to blame.

Like now.

This year has been one of estrangement from my mom, but not one I put into place.  I don't know what my mom has shared with other members of the family or friends concerning me, but being the overly-sensitive type (a sometimes curse) I can feel their frustration with me.  I'm the absentee daughter.  I abandoned my mom.  I drove her to this stroke.

But her untreated high blood pressure has been part of her life for decades.  The build-up of plaque in her carotid artery occurred for many reasons, none to do with me, and a lot to do with her diet and blood pressure.

I feel guilty for something I didn't cause, and it's still driving me nuts.  And I'm not asking for anything by saying all of this---I've just got to get it down.  To see my mom today in a wheelchair struggling to talk, choking on her pureed food and still able to laugh at silly things breaks my heart.  I so hate this.  I hate it so much I can't even put it into words.

And the hardest part is to live my life apart from what my mom's going through.  To be a wife and mother who listens to her husband, comforts her children, feeds the chickens, dusts the furniture, teaches Algebra, bakes a pie, buys groceries, wipes up a spill and simply performs the tasks that put our house to rights.  To do those things with joy and not the shadow of sadness is harder than I ever would've anticipated.  But I can, and I will.  But I'd really rather do them without the shadow. Really.  Maybe that will come as she improves.  Sure hope so.

Blessings

I got an email from a friend at church this week, asking if she could bring us dinner soon.  First off I was hesitant, knowing she has a grown son she's worried about since he has his own health issues.  But after I thought about it, realized that our oldest daughter has been filling in the gap too much, so I accepted. She emailed me back, obviously happy I'd agreed.

So, today was the day.  She said she'd be here this afternoon, and I told her someone would be home. Well, she stopped by while I was gone picking up fourth son at work and brought such wealth.  You'd be amazed at what she brought.  A baked ham, a bag of avocados, raspberries, a jug of milk, cheese, rolls, a huge bag of Dunkin Donuts coffee (made Gary drool), an apple pie, the biggest bag of tortilla chips known to man, coconut water for the kids, lunch meat, and I think that's all.  Can you believe it?

I assumed she'd bring a casserole and maybe a dessert.  That would've been wonderful.  What she brought was astounding.

She called it 'The Judy' named after her friend who brought a whole lot of stuff to her when her own mom was sick.  Guess I'll have to be on the look-out for someone else along the line who has a need.  Pay it forward.  Give 'The Judy' to a friend, or maybe a not-so-friend.  Either way, it's absolutely amazing.

One more day

The kids slept in this morning, and they really needed that. While the older ones went on to work, the three youngest just snoozed away.  I got more rest too.  Woke with the alarm, dealt with the dogs and chickens and then went back to bed.  Woke up to barking a couple of hours later, and couldn't remember if I'd done the animals or not.

Stayed at home for most of the day.  Let the kids rest and we just did ordinary things.  Youngest son kept going to bed to sleep and the girls played outside.  Collected acorns, played with the chickens, made cups of tea, re-heated tacos for lunch and watched me putter.  Normal things.  Just ordinary tasks that settle down a person.

Then I made sure one of their older brothers would be home before I left.  That kept them from fretting.  The younger ones just like for one of the older boys or oldest sister to be in charge. I get that.  The pressure's lifted then.

So, I took some clothes to Mom, and was planning on a visit, but she was asleep when I got there.  I had to go pick up fourth son at work, so left the clothes on the shelves and wrote her a note.  

Tomorrow's another day.  Will deal with that when I have to. Grateful a friend from church is bringing dinner to us in the afternoon.  I can't tell you how much that means.  You know that, though.

Tuesday night

My mom (surprising to all of us) was moved to the Rehab floor today since she's progressing well with her eating/swallowing---building up her strength.  Plus she's gaining usage of her right hand again, and her speech is much better. Still hasn't stood up and has lots of therapy ahead of her to the tune of 3 hours/morning, starting tomorrow. Our visits will have to be more brief and no overnights.  A blessing to Gary and my oldest brother, I know. They both work during the day and to leave for work from the hospital after a sleepless night is pretty difficult. But, they've been willing. I'm thankful for that.

The blockage is still in her left carotid artery, 100%, but the decision is to build her up rather than interfere. Not sure how I feel about that, but with her age a factor, plus the high blood pressure---I have to trust what the neurologist and surgeon decided.  Gives me the feeling of walking around with a loaded gun with the safety off, but not much else to do.  I did get a sense of Perspective this afternoon, while my mom's best friend was visiting.  I walked down the hallway past the elevators to look out the window and with us being on the ninth floor, had a pretty good view.  Trees.  Lots of trees.  Made me realize how huge God is, and that He'll have his way no matter, and I find that a comfort.

Tired.  Emotionally as well as physically.  Should be home more than away tomorrow.  Wonderful.  With the possible thought that she'll be discharged before Thanksgiving, my head spins. It's unlikely she'll be able to be alone all the time, so while I won't worry prematurely, I do wonder.  Just not today.

Monday night

Busy day.  Got figuratively head-butted by my out-of-town/staying-until-tomorrow sister-in-law, but since I'm not doing any wrestling anymore, will just turn the other cheek. Wasn't prepared for her anger, but thankful she'll leave soon. Ain't got time for that.  This situation is about my mom, not my SIL.

Now to the best part of the day.  Very best.  After passing her barium swallowing test this afternoon, Mom was approved for real food.  She's still on a vitamin/electrolyte IV, and until she can actually get some calories in her, it'll stay that way.  But tonight she got a pureed dinner, and she said it tasted so wonderful. She had me try it, and it was actually tasty.  She only ate about a tablespoon or more, just enough to tire her out, but well done, I thought.

Part two of best time of the day.  After she'd rested from dinner, I asked if she wanted to put on any make-up, and she did.  While her aim with the blush brush was lacking, I was able to help her with that and then put on a dab of mascara.  Vanity is a definite positive.  And she held her haircomb, not able to raise her arm to her hair right off the bat, but gradually it worked.  She said it's not because of a weak arm, so much as she has to tell her arm what to do.  Also, her speech is improving.

The universe outside her room stopped existing while we were doing that.  It was just us.  Totally absorbed in what we were doing.  Best part of the day.

But I won't lie.  This is the hardest thing I've ever done, including giving birth to eight children without pain killers.  The emotional drain is almost more than I can stand.  The end is not in sight.  The future, even immediate is totally out of my hands. Victories help balance it out, but with visitors, doctor's detailed and scary explanations, being out in the world more than I'm used to, and the unseen problems connected with my mom's stroke including the artery blockage that remains, I had a moment this afternoon with her room full of company and while I was on the phone with one of my brothers when I just wanted to let out a scream.

And that's the best that I can do.  Thankfully, that's enough.

Sunday night

One of my brothers came into town with his wife late yesterday. Thankfully that we've all buried the hatchet, all of us.  We're getting along beautifully.

Back about 16 years ago I had a miscarriage that was mentally and physically exhausting.  It was right before Christmas, and I remember I told my mom that I felt scourged, this after she told me how good I looked. There was nothing left, I felt like a shell, and honestly my life changed during that experience.  It's like I left my happy self back there, and it's not all returned yet.

That's how I feel now.  Scourged.

Maybe that's a good thing, at least from God's perspective.

Anyway, this brother has to leave again on Tuesday, which will be hard for him, I know.  My other brother lives about an hour away, but drives in town for work.  He'll be available here and there.  He told me today on the phone we'll have to talk later about the hospital visit rotation plan.  Gary's already said he doesn't want me to be there at the hospital overnights, but the days are fine.  Three people to do the job.  Hard.  But doable.  I don't want to unload this on the kids.  Visits are fine, but they look shell-shocked when they leave her room.  That's enough for now, for them.

When Gary was staying with my mom on Friday night, I got home at around nine or so.  I sat in the living room with the kids and dogs and sweet Indian boyfriend who was visiting, just being together.  Then when I took a shower and finally got into bed, four of them followed me.  One son had his laptop to show me something, oldest daughter stayed longest just to talk, another son came home from work and got into the bed as well, and the two youngest daughters took turns.  They were craving security.  Curious how having the rug pulled out from under you causes you to revert to what your heart is saying.