And on Wednesday night

Passed through the living room just now.  Kissed visiting second son on top of the head (he and youngest son were eating---again) and told him he'd brought JOY into the house.  And he has.  (Glad we'll have him for two weeks.)  His presence has settled our oldest daughter, who's taken on too much mental responsibility here lately.  She can breathe.  He's so well-grounded, in love with the Lord and a pleasure to be around.

How wonderful to be a bearer of such goodwill.  

The mood of the house is peaceful.  

* * * 

And funny thing.  I took the kids to Mom's and then to the grocery store this afternoon and I told them I felt as if the scales are falling off of my eyes.  I'm seeing life again.  Waking up.  

What is it about stress that puts blinders in front of our faces?  Covers up beauty and pushes our faces into the dust.  

Resting quietly.

(listening to tobyMac's newest CD This is Not a Test, and Jeremy Camp's song He Knows)

May it Rest In Pieces

Gary had only been gone for about 15 minutes going to work when he called me up.  The photo says it all.  Driving through an intersection, a young girl tried to turn ahead of him.  Poor Suburban, and her Hyundai as well.  Being a 1989, our Suburban's days were numbered, but gosh, what a great truck.  Hot-sounding engine as well.  A wonderful rumble, but no more.  Thankfully nobody was hurt.  A bit sore, but nothing else.

The girl was so sweet, and was crying when I got there.  And we were the ones to take her to a friend's house.  How often does that happen?  She told Gary she was glad he didn't yell at her.  Could've just as easy been one of our kids.  Yell?  Uh, no.

Praying now for a replacement, of course.  A rental for a bit.  God's hand on her situation too.  Funny thing, she and I have a mutual friend on Facebook.  Yeah, I looked.

We're a one-vehicle couple anyhow, so while we'll not likely look for another Suburban (terrible gas mileage), we need room for us and the three youngest ones.  Prayers appreciated. :)

Monday

Feeling better after being sick.  Reminder to rest.  That's what illness tends to do to me---remind me to slow down, and even stop when necessary.  Maybe the Lord even allows it to get my attention.  Very likely.

Bills paid but for one, and got a bit antsy wondering if Gary's shop would have work to cover it (faith hiccup).  I told him the other day we needed a 'big blessing'---mostly saying that as a need in the midst of our personal turmoil regarding our children.  To feel God's Hand in a tangible way.  Tonight found out we get a 30 day grace period with our new re-furbished house payments.  Not due until March first.  Gary discovered that while looking up tax information at our mortgage company's website.  Looked up our account, and turned to me and said it was due then, not now.  He said, "What was it you said about a big blessing?"

I stand amazed.  

He'll call the mortgage company tomorrow to verify.  We didn't know.  They'd not informed us.  But, yes, a big blessing.

~ ~ ~

Our chickens have begun laying again after about a two or 2-1/2 month layover (sorry, couldn't resist).  We've been buying brown cage-free eggs at the grocery store, but it's sweet to get our light browns and light greens/turquoises from our girls.  And the noise.  My goodness.  While I got a bit fed up in the summer with them crowing when they'd lay (being that their run is just outside out bedroom window), I've missed it so much that now it's a joy instead.  And hungry.  They eat all. the. time.  Thankfully they survived the great molt of the late fall/early winter and are nice and fluffy now.  Didn't like them being all grumpy pants when their feathers were falling out.  I do love them so.  Chickens are definitely therapeutic, that is if you can withstand their racket in the mornings.  I realize roosters crow (illegal here in the city limits), but even hens can be loud.  But good loud.

Going to go out and see if I can bear a bit of chill to praise the Lord on my swing in the backyard.  It's been too cold to do that lately, and I've missed it.  The only time in the day I'm alone.  And even then, I'll not be by myself. :)

Mid-week

The General Confession (guaranteed to make me cry, every week)

ALMIGHTY and most merciful Father; We have erred, and strayed from thy ways like lost sheep. We have followed too much the devices and desires of our own hearts. We have offended against thy holy laws. We have left undone those things which we ought to have done; And we have done those things which we ought not to have done; And there is no health in us. But thou, O Lord, have mercy upon us, miserable offenders. Spare thou those, O God, who confess their faults. Restore thou those who are penitent; According to thy promises declared unto mankind In Christ Jesus our Lord. And grant, O most merciful Father, for his sake; That we may hereafter live a godly, righteous, and sober life, To the glory of thy holy Name. Amen. ~from 1928 Book of Common Prayer

Listening to For King and Country's CD.  Oh my.  I know I've mentioned them before, but bears re-mentioning.  The name of the CD is Run Wild, Live Free, Love Strong, and is wonderful.  The songs Shoulders and It's Not Over Yet are my favorites.  When oldest daughter plays it in her car, the sound is a m a z i n g, since her speakers really go to town.   The second song I mentioned played LOUD is the best.  You feel like God can do anything.  Well, He can, but you believe it.  Linking it here.  I can't check to see how the link works...with our new Internet through our T-Mobile account we've already used our supply of 4G, and are limited to (though an endless supply) of 2G.  Can't watch videos, but we're not complaining.  A lesser bill is a fine balance.  Feels so funny, going backwards.  Cancelling cable and using the roof antennae again, and our 2G with the Internet is like our old phone Internet....well, not quite that slow. :)  Yeah, first world problems.

Feeling blessed.  Gary's had such an endless run of work these past two months.  Our house note being cut in half is wild, and being able to pay the bills on time, plus just the relief of not feeling so tapped financially is truly incredible.  It's deeply contenting.  

And I'm learning to take life in littler bites.  But mind, this has to be re-learned on a daily basis.  Heard from son who's engaged, after I asked if his fiance could/would come for dessert/or the whole meal for Thanksgiving.  He said she would.  Immediately I felt anxiety, then prayed and released it to the Lord.  I feel peace today.  We'll look ahead, and not behind. And remember, I'll have to keep setting this in God's lap.  I'll have the tendency to over-clean and just make myself miserable.  Also considering we'll invite my mom, who's a bit of a challenge---well, Thanksgiving should prove to be an interesting day.  But we'll make it.  Asking them is the right thing to do.  Doesn't mean it's easy, but it's right.

With firstborn son's girlfriend going out of town with her family to NC, he'll be here as well and that guarantees all my chickens will be around my table.  What a lot has happened in 12 months.  By God's grace we've survived. 

No drama, least not immediately.  I don't want anymore of that stuff.

Stuff in my head

~not recommending

Taking it easy this week with our Fall Break, and I'm finally feeling the benefit of it.  Does take some time before the rest seeps into a person.  And part of delightfulness of this week is that oldest daughter is taking a vacation at home.  After the boyfriend break-up she needs the quiet---I think we all do.  She says she still feels 'odd' but also admitted that if somebody told her she'd have to go back to him, she'd run screaming from the room.  I think we all realize that the last straw was the situation with the rings.  For her to go off him so suddenly it's apparent that this had been piling up for some time. Many small things added up to a lopsided relationship.  

~ ~ ~

And I have a new book to read, well, new for me.  This one will make my GoodReads 50 books in a year quota complete, but I'll go over.  I'm such a glutton.  I'd seen this book (different cover than what I got at the library) before but hadn't been interested since it's by a foreign author.  Just didn't speak to me then, but the first few pages are beautiful.  You know how some books enthrall you right away---you read a few bits and go putter and then pick it up again, and you feel so alive.  That's what this book is doing to me.  So hope it sticks.  The title is The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon.  Lovely.

UPDATE on following day:  You'd think I'd learn to not post on a book I'm reading until I'm actually finished with it.  The one mentioned here began well enough---really loved it, in fact.  And was curious as to how it'd turn out since youngest son had been eyeing it.  Wish the author hadn't had to tuck in a s*x scene, though.  Can't in good conscience pass it on to our son and say, "Hey,  enjoy reading it!"  Happens more often than not.  Just not necessary.  And it was getting so good, a bit wordy, but still appealing.  

~ ~ ~

And I made some herbal goodness last night.  One was the Elderberry brew I simmered before dinner---elderberries, cloves, ginger and honey was added after it'd cooled.  Very simple to make.  I got 3 pints in the fridge now, and it'll keep for about three months.  If I add the kick of vodka or brandy for some of it, it'll last a bit more, but don't want to play that trick on my husband, who is a necessary tee-totaler.

Also made a mixture for a bit of calm for me.  I did pull together my Passion Flower, Catnip, Motherwort, Hops, and Lemon Balm.  It all added up to about 1-1/2 cups of dry herbs and I covered them with a bit of water and the rest in vodka.  Put it outside so the eclipse of the moon could shine on it.  Magical.  I know, you think I'm nuts.  I like to pretend I'm a fairy.  Shades of Tolkien.  All I lack is a wand.

~ ~ ~

Listening to Owl City's newest song done with Britt Nicole called You're Not Alone. A joy to hear.  Our kids buy the best music.

  ~ ~ ~

Nothing hanging fire tomorrow.  Love that.  Going to go outside in a minute to swing.  Pray over our kids, my husband's work and protection for all of us.  I love them so, the whole messy lot of them.

Saturday night

Listening to music (Daughtry...love them).  Tired from a seemingly long week, and grateful for the weekend.  I was thinking earlier that it seems that there's so much to get through from Sunday to Sunday.  It's like much more than 6 days pass between Lord's Days.  But we have things to be thankful for since last week.

Speaking of Sunday, I bought 3 dozen roses for the young man's birthday tomorrow.  The altar will have red, brilliant yellow and a yellow/red rose as well.  A dozen of each.  The mixed color is yellow on the outside of the flower, and red in the center.  So pretty.

And as to blessings...oldest daughter bought the car we went to look at last night.  Wonderful situation all around.  The Lord has really watched over/guided her, and it appears that the sweet Mexican gentleman she bought it from is a believer.  Such a love.  The whole issue of her truck being stolen, her getting an extended rental, which wasn't even in her policy (it was a gift), and finally finding this gem.  And she only had to pay $150 of her own money to purchase it outright, her payment from the insurance company (Geico) was so generous. Cool all around.  And even though it took several weeks of looking, it was worth the wait.  Now she's got to learn to drive a stick---which is my personal favorite.  It'll be fun to teach her, and I'll get to borrow it. :)

Finally, with the world in major flux, I just don't have it in me to wrestle anymore.  Health issues with one son's waywardness left me drained.  Now I'm fine, but feel sort of delicate.  And had fallen into some anemia again, so boosted up my iron, and am resting more. In days past, women took care of themselves when a situation would arise.  They would indulge in more self-care than we accept at present. An old-fashioned mindset, but one that's valid.  One that we should reconsider nowadays.

Now will go.  Second son will be here soon to eat on his way home to his apartment.  He's preaching at the inner-city church, and is taking on more responsibility, which we're concerned for.  He's of a servant spirit, but has difficulty saying 'no' when it's appropriate. As a result, he's usually exhausted.  Prayers for my Jacob appreciated.

Take care all.  Have a sweet Sabbath.

Good news and deep cleaning

Work is now in the shop for which we're thankful.  More please. :)  Hoping and praying it's the beginning of a pattern.  A small start, but all good.

Spring (summer?) cleaning.  Throwing out, putting away dishes, much heavy dusting, washing/ironing curtains, washing windows.  Re-arranging furniture.

The prospect of Nat'l Guard boy bringing his girlfriend to dinner.  Hence cleaning.  Not sure when she'll be here, but I feel more pressure to tidy for a female than for oldest daughter's sweet Indian boyfriend, who just overlooks most things.  He's very laid back.

I asked our son how serious he was about this girl and says he doesn't see the sense in wasting time if he's not serious.  Oh my.  Not sure I'm prepared for another child's romance.  Had lunch with the two of them on Monday.  Sweet visit, but some concerns---some large, some not so large. Much prayer needed.  Mostly focusing on the aspect of them being unequally yoked.  Not a good basis for a grounded relationship, I'm thinking.  Not sure our son is convinced of it being of the utmost in importance.  More prayer.  He says she's 'close' to releasing her will to the Lord. She leans more to an intellectual's viewpoint, and is very well educated...already has her Master's and is working on her PhD.  I think she's got more book learning than all of us all rolled up together.  We lean more toward street smarts in our household.  Whatever.

Tomorrow will finish up more cleaning.  So enjoyed today's work.  It felt good to be busy and see evidence of it at the end of the day.  Not sure those who worked and weren't here could see much had been done, but those of us who plowed away sure did. :)

My scattered thoughts...

Rattled today.  It rained all day yesterday, which was so restful, but woke up this morning to very heavy wind.  And as I was hearing the tornado siren, the wind changed and began to sound just plain odd.  It sounded wrong, plus the sky was light green.  Not a good thing to see when a tornado siren is blaring. Found out a bit later that a tornado had been spotted going to the NE, and it's very possible the sound we heard was the edge of that.  Unsettling for sure.  At the time I was unaware of the damage and lives lost in Arkansas to our west.  Too much bad news.

Then Gary's truck wouldn't start, and it turns out his distributor was full of water from the rain.  He fixed it later on.  Also got a call from Joseph and he's been the target of a prank at the Base.  Just nonsense, but it makes me anxious.  Glad he'll be done there at the end of May, but still, that's a few weeks away.  And his birthday is tomorrow (Tuesday) and I've never been separated from my children on their birthdays. Darn it.

Sometimes life is too full of uncertainties, and with daily (or almost daily) strange conversations with my mom, the weather today, plus Joseph's struggles, I'm a bit overdone.

I believe some hand-sewing is in order for tomorrow.  The clouds should have blown away by then, and maybe the day can be peaceful.

More thinking things out...

One of the things I really like about my husband is his knack for not beating around the bush.  Case in point: He stopped off at the hospital to visit my mom before coming home tonight.  I guess he was there around an hour, and I'm happy to say my first cousin and one of my brothers were coming in as Gary left. Good for them.

Well, while he was there he brought up the subject of what Mom figured would happen when she got out---still not sure of the date. He laid out what he thought was possible---a nursing home (not a chance), living in Louisiana with my other brother (made her frown causing Gary to laugh), living alone with nursing help visiting during the day, and lastly to move in with us.

She said she'd prefer to be in her home with the home health care to stop in.  Gary reminded her that she'd not be able to answer the door, being that she's moving so slowly.  And that it'd be mostly my burden to make sure she was alright, and that we'd be constantly running to and fro.  She got it.  He told her his preference was the last one---to be with us as long as it takes for her to finally be on her own.  He didn't address it like she'd be here for the duration of her life, but that she could use us and our home as a springboard to get stronger.  Brilliant.

Now, I don't know if the day will ever happen where she'll be independent again, but she has to be allowed the opportunity to try.  And to imagine her freedom again is a sure way to encourage her to work at getting better.  What could be more perfect?

I sure love him.

Monday night

Busy day.  Got figuratively head-butted by my out-of-town/staying-until-tomorrow sister-in-law, but since I'm not doing any wrestling anymore, will just turn the other cheek. Wasn't prepared for her anger, but thankful she'll leave soon. Ain't got time for that.  This situation is about my mom, not my SIL.

Now to the best part of the day.  Very best.  After passing her barium swallowing test this afternoon, Mom was approved for real food.  She's still on a vitamin/electrolyte IV, and until she can actually get some calories in her, it'll stay that way.  But tonight she got a pureed dinner, and she said it tasted so wonderful. She had me try it, and it was actually tasty.  She only ate about a tablespoon or more, just enough to tire her out, but well done, I thought.

Part two of best time of the day.  After she'd rested from dinner, I asked if she wanted to put on any make-up, and she did.  While her aim with the blush brush was lacking, I was able to help her with that and then put on a dab of mascara.  Vanity is a definite positive.  And she held her haircomb, not able to raise her arm to her hair right off the bat, but gradually it worked.  She said it's not because of a weak arm, so much as she has to tell her arm what to do.  Also, her speech is improving.

The universe outside her room stopped existing while we were doing that.  It was just us.  Totally absorbed in what we were doing.  Best part of the day.

But I won't lie.  This is the hardest thing I've ever done, including giving birth to eight children without pain killers.  The emotional drain is almost more than I can stand.  The end is not in sight.  The future, even immediate is totally out of my hands. Victories help balance it out, but with visitors, doctor's detailed and scary explanations, being out in the world more than I'm used to, and the unseen problems connected with my mom's stroke including the artery blockage that remains, I had a moment this afternoon with her room full of company and while I was on the phone with one of my brothers when I just wanted to let out a scream.

And that's the best that I can do.  Thankfully, that's enough.