The countdown begins...

The holidays, hold for me, stress that's not present at other times.  Tension that seems to pool in my chest.  Anxiety that seems necessary.  

I'm learning that my life has paths woven in it that are difficult, and it's hard sometimes to find a peaceful place in my heart, but I'm determined to find that place.  To not give in to the pressures that come at me from the outside of this house.  Fortunately this time, it's not about my children.  Something to celebrate.  But from my mother and her needs.  Her inability to communicate well enough, and her child-like forgetfulness.  It's hard.

To want a day for myself that doesn't feel the drag of need.  Of frustration.  Of not doing things well-enough.  Even in her stoke-laden brain, she presses me to do things that are more than what I can manage.  Demands, though small, are just one more thing.  The straw that breaks the camel's back.

I'm done.

Tomorrow I will hold up with my girls and bake.  Play Christmas music and vacuum and dust.  Sweep the kitchen floor.  Close out the world.  Maybe go to church for Thanksgiving's services.  Sit in the dim, candlelit and quiet atmosphere of church and drink in the silence.

My health demands that I place limits on my time.  To say no, and to say it frequently.  To be good enough.  

I worry that this anxiety with become a permanent guest.  No.  I have to separate myself from everything right now that doesn't bless me.  If that sounds selfish, then maybe more of us should be selfish.  Our lifestyles seem to draw too much life out of us.  And with tending to my mom, along with help from my family in this house, it's a drain.  Those who live out of town have no idea.  But I understand that.

Here at the very beginning of the holiday season, it's important to take care.  Self-care.  And I'm thinking I'm not the only one who needs to heed this.  You (me) are the only one who can.  If it's not life-threatening what's asked of you, maybe say no.  Life has the quality of texting now.  Do it now.  No.

(listening on Spotify to Ray Montagne's For the Summer and Adele's Hello)

Pre-Thanksgiving thoughts

Brief post.  Cut my little finger on my left hand while arranging the flowers at church yesterday... those secateurs are sharp.  Hard to type with a huge gob of gauze and tape on my finger. Sympathetic noises appreciated.

Bought all we needed for Thanksgiving dinner today, including a stop tonight at the dollar store for new glasses that actually match.  Little green stemware that ought to play off of our red/white transferware nicely.

Went out by myself yesterday after church, because I could, and knew the week would be busy.  Had a book I was going to get at the library, but found it and the rest of the matching trilogy at the library bookstore....Sigrid Undset's Kristin Lavransdatter series.  And Rosamunde Pilcher's Christmas book and two little Jan Karon children's Christmas books.  I'm consistently amazed at what I find there, and so inexpensive.  Best kept secret in town.

Well, tomorrow is cleaning and decorating for Thanksgiving Day.  Wednesday is Making Pie and Tearing Up White Bread for My Husband's Yankee Stuffing Day.  Tonight I rest.

Y'all take care.

Birthday boy

Sometimes there are no words.  They just don't come.  Maybe that's a sign that life is feeling safe. 

 

My husband did have a birthday, the last in a series of three-in-a-row.  Two daughters had birthdays just days before his.  This was the big sixty birthday, which seems a bit awesome, and he insisted on 60 candles, which caused much smoke after the blowing out part.  The girls blew up sixty balloons for him too, we made his favorite dinner, really, it was all fun.  I met him when I was 23 and he was 26, so for the years to have passed so swiftly is mind-boggling.  Sixty?  You have got to be kidding.  Oh whatever.  I am so very thankful to have the years with him.  Love.  That.  Man.

Planning on buying the oven part tomorrow, which we desperately need.  Two weeks today until Thanksgiving, which has crept up on me as well.  So grateful we get along with all of our children, regardless of the whirlwind of this year.  Oldest son was here today with gifts for the birthday folks.  Hadn't seen him in awhile, so I loved seeing him.  Getting my hands around him for a hug.  

And talked to California son yesterday and he'll be here for three weeks to visit at Christmas.  

Really, I'm letting go of a lot of grief.  God has the kids in His more-than-capable hands.  I can rest in that for now.  The holidays require such mental energy, and I just want to cook and welcome my family.  No time for angst.

Wednesday evening

A day at home, celebrating oldest daughter's birthday.  Presents, cake, quietness.  All restful.

* * *

Funny how the Lord puts things in front of you in a timely manner.  I got a copy of Sue Bender's second book Everyday Sacred (love that title) at the library bookstore recently and cracked it open last night.  Just what I needed.  Funny too, since I didn't take to her first book Plain and Simple.  Here are some quotes:

"These incomplete tasks weigh on me---my mind often focuses on what I'm not getting done rather than on what I am doing." 

"He has a quality I've read about in books but have rarely experienced---'a still point in the midst of activity.'"

"...not paying attention to what my body needed."

"We all need a certain amount of fallow time."

"How quickly calm disappears."

* * *

I've been too busy lately.  With ordinary life.  Not adding anything to my to-do list, but 

just not setting limitations on what's reasonable.  I look SO tired.  Still dealing with my taxed adrenal glands.  Say what you will, folks who don't believe it's a real ailment.  I'm here to tell you otherwise.

We all could do with some rest.  Deep rest.  

I had a brief, very brief few minutes this afternoon of feeling totally aware.  You know those times you feel in the zone, focused and into whatever you're doing.  It's relaxing in some odd way.  All I was doing was cutting up the cooked chicken to put back in our dinner pot.  The flash of feeling totally attuned to my task was wonderful, but as soon as it was there, it was gone.  Very elusive.  I partly blame interruptions.  Remembered I had to pay one of my mom's bills over the phone that I'd forgotten to do earlier.  Whoosh.  Peace of mind out the window.

It's all about being attentive.  Attention completely on whatever's going on, not allowing anything to break the peace.  Wonderful when it happens, but it's sort of like aligning the planets.  Rarely occurs.

Must practice it some more.

(listening to Home at Last by Josh Garrels)

Surprises

Cool story.  I mentioned Owl City last night, how there was a new CD and how middle daughter had waited for it so long.  She loves this guy, Adam Young, who IS Owl City.  Just one young man who does all of it.  Anyway, our daughter has talked for years about wanting to see him in person but he's not been set to tour here.  Well, at church one of her girlfriends said she was going to see him in Nashville this fall with one of her other friends.  Her mom was taking them.  She assumed our daughter would go too.  Well, we'd not entertained it---cost, travel, etc.  See, we don't live in Nashville.

Our sweet girl was so bummed when we got home from church, mainly because her friend at church isn't a real fan of his, was just going because her friend asked her.  Middle daughter said it's odd how some folks get things to fall in their lap, and they don't even really care. I told her I understood---seems sometimes we want a particular thing and agonize over it and someone else just walks into it, no sweat.  Read the Psalms and see they're full of that happening.

The girls and I got to talking in the living room and I said, "Why don't we just figure how to do it?"  Her eyes lit up and I've never seen her look so amazed.  Gary came in from the porch and I asked him if we could try to make it happen.  So we plotted and planned, and then he pulled out his debit card and said to go for it.  He's all about spontaneity.  And, happy dance, pre-sale tickets are way cheaper than they will be later on.

So, the girls and I will have a road trip, see the show, stay overnight and maybe play the day after.  We've never done anything like this, and honestly, after the year (or two) we've had, this will be a well-deserved treat.  We all need it.

The countdown is supposedly 78 days.  This daughter makes me laugh. :)  Youngest son said she's going to drive us crazy before then.  So be it!  She's on our bed now, and just caught my eye and said, "We're going to Owl City!"  Eyebrow waggle. 

Good Friday thoughts

Maundy Thursday services last night, and awesome is the only word.  Every time I see the altar stripped of everything one item at a time, I feel a shiver.  No candles, hymnbooks, Bibles, incense, altar cloths, chalices, remainder of Communion vessels, nothing left.  All physical aspects of God's presence are taken away.  His Spirit gone.  Really makes you think.  A void nothing else can fill, though we'll try our best.

After we left services, I had about 45 minutes at home before I had to go back for my hour of the Prayer Vigil.  One of my very favorite bits of the entire year, bar everything I do.  Candles are lit at the back of the church, a kneeler set up and votives representing everyone who'll pray.  One per hour. Each person who comes lights a candle.  A total of about 22 or so folks.   Our own Garden of Gethsemane.  Prayer books, a Bible, a copy of Augustine's Prayer Book (which I privately covet) and as much silence as you can drink in.  The streetlights shine through the stained glass and it really is a holy time.  Imagine the angels hanging about.  I did.  Love that.

I left all of my baggage there.  My frustrations with my life which include, of course, my children---my husband's work slow-down, my mom's care, my health issues lately, but mostly my intense rage.  Very intense rage.  I hadn't realize how much bottled up anger I'd been dealing with, or not dealing with is more apt.  Left it all.

Today has been blessed.  Cleaned the house in preparation for our Easter dinner.  And, here's a bit of news.  My mom is going with us to services at our church on Sunday (she's Methodist, but hasn't been to church in months), and she's coming over for dinner as well.  One thing I could understand her doing, but both?  I'm sort of excited about it.  I know, not what you expected me to say.  I'm feeling strongly she's maybe had some more weird brain activity.  She's a bit more child-like, but who's to know.  While we've had our moments, now is what's important.  And holidays are special.  We should be together.  Oldest son might come too.  Will have to hear back from him to know for sure.

But even before that, I'll meet up with the Altar Guild tomorrow around noon and we'll put the altar back to rights.  Fresh linens and all.  Easter lilies.  And tomorrow night we'll have our Easter Vigil and a special banquet afterward.  And that's only Saturday.  I'll have to hand it to them.  Our church sure does a Feast Day in a wonderful fashion.

Oh, and I find it curious to have a Lunar Eclipse on Easter weekend.  Not earth-shattering, but just curious.  I'm hoping to get up at around 5:15am to see at least a partial bit of it.  Don't think we'll get the full effect.  Still, I do love being outside just before sunrise.  So peaceful.  Then back to bed. :)

Happy Easter ahead-of-time.  

Looking ahead...

The new thing appears to be sending out Save the Date cards, this in anticipation of our son's impending wedding in September.  I texted both of them saying how pretty is it.  We're working on the relationships, and are making splendid headway.  Thankful for that. :)

A Merry Christmas Eve

~an old photo of my favorite ornament

An overcast day.  Not raining, but restful.  The girls are watching 'all-day' Christmas movies on t.v.  Lame acting, but that fits with what a Christmas movie is all about, yes?  Hallmark on steroids.  But sweet, and that's what counts.  No heavy thinking.  My woodboy is puttering with his pens.  He went to the shop briefly, but nobody was about, so he came home.  Nice.

Baking the Cranberry Christmas Cake for divvying out to the older boys.  We'll have a simple dinner tonight of potato salad (already made) and tuna fish sandwiches which Woodboy will make since he says we all use too much mayonnaise.  

Church will be after dinner.  Late enough so folks can be together for the evening meal at home beforehand, which is a good idea.  Candles, but no incense.  Think I'll try to get photos since it's so absolutely stunning with the lights low and the hurricane lampshades in the windows.  Greenery and red ribbons.  Should be a restful time after weeks of preparations with life in general.  Holy Communion, which we do whenever the doors are open, but it's a wonderful way to be open to new beginnings.  I do love the idea of fresh starts, especially since the last two years have been so draining.

Not sure which boys will join us for dinner tomorrow night.  Everyone will be here in the morning, which is a huge blessing.  Boys-with-girlfriends will likely not be here for the rest of the day.  So thankful to have all my chickens early on, though.  Mending fences as we speak.  Wounded relationships are healing.

Wondering if any of them will have announcements to share.  Oldest son is making noises about changes.  Quiet noises, but noise nonetheless. He rents an apartment with second son, but only pays rent.  He's never there, and said he won't be part of the new lease come spring.  Third son is officially engaged, but they're not talking about wedding plans.  Yet.

A no-drama Christmas sounds just the ticket for me.  Quiet, which is what we all need so desperately.  And the ability to listen.

Take care.

The twenty-third

~daisy has the right idea

Here's the thing.  I've been reading other blogs and seeing what everyone's up to for Christmas.  Some are rattled (like yours truly was yesterday), some are overly precious (which isn't me, but is sometimes so doggone cute), and some are all caught up in the joy of the holiday.  Really experiencing it.  I enjoy all the stories.  Traditions are so special and individual.

Thankful for a short trip out with fourth son this morning, which was totally not planned.  Got bath towels for one son who lives away, since his towels sort of disappeared.  Not a clue.  I bought cheap, white ones that can be bleached to heck, because he tends to get into stuff when he works on his car.  And we still do his laundry here, so I figure I can buy him the most sensible towels known to man.  And cheap is the most sensible.  Besides, thick and plush towels take forEVer to dry in the dryer.

No chores to do now except make another batch of that Cranberry Christmas Cake from the other day that was such a hit.  I'll do that tomorrow---will pack some up for the three oldest boys.  It was a tad too tart for me, but a drizzle of confectioner's sugar frosting ought to fix that.

Listening to old Justin Bieber and NSync (feeding my special fondness for boybands).  If the girls would quit putting their CDs on my laptop, I'd not go through this temptation (read sarcasm---nobody's twisting my arm here).  They were making Christmas cookies and gingerbread men before I went out today and first began playing Josh Groban Christmas music that was making me sad.  Just so melancholy.  Then they suddenly switched to Elvis which made me want to do the Twist.  The least one ADORES Elvis.  Got her some dangly earrings with him on them.  She'll have a fit.  You should hear her sing along with him.  She knows all the words.  Who knew?

Everything's (hopefully) winding down for all of us.  Get some sleep.

Saturday evening

So, I wonder how many women woke up this morning all bent out of shape because of having too long a 'to-do' list.  Holding up hand here.  I got to sleep a bit too late, but with the help of some wonderful herbal tea oldest daughter shared, slept fine.  Then woke up to let out the chickens.  So far, so good.  Got back into bed.  Brain began spinning.

Man.

Breakfast tea and a bit of quiet time.

Went to church with Gary to set up the Altar.  Finished decorating one tree that needed more of our homemade Crismons on it.  Hung around for heating guy to check the church furnaces.  Left and did some shopping, which actually was a splendid time.  The bulk of the shoppers had already gone home.  Whupped, I reckon.  We only went to Michael's and Fresh Market.  Avoided the malls for sure.  No need, anyhow.

Home to a honey-baked ham husband's shop landlady gave us, along with some scalloped potatoes and angel biscuits I made.  

And all my anxiety was for nothing.  

All is well.  Shopping done except for groceries and some stocking stuffers.   

Take a breath.  It's all okay.

A tiny bit of Christmas spirit

Got a tree.  Fraser fir, and seems very fresh.  We've not had a real tree for, gosh, I don't know how long it's been.  So long ago, we even had to get a tree stand.  Way back when I was in the midst of making babies, I became allergic to both cats and Christmas trees.  I remember the last year we had a real tree in the house (twenty-something years ago?) and I had bronchitis so bad that I took the tree down right after dinner on Christmas night. Happened several years in a row before I figured out what was going on. That's been so long ago.  We got an artificial the next year, and our second fake tree fell apart last year.  I promised the kids we'd go the real route this year.  We'll see how it goes.  Gary says that at the first sign of me not being able to breathe, or beginning to cough, out it goes.  My hero.  Usually I'm good until it begins to dry out.  That's why we waited so long.

Shopped with oldest daughter yesterday.  As we were heading out of town, she asked if we could just take it slow, and not hurry at all.  And that's what we did.  Went to a small town east of here, puttered around, bought things in a couple of consignment shops and had a restful day.  Came home to an easy dinner, since Gary had already bought some groceries while we were gone.  

Speaking of which.  I realize I don't appreciate him like I should.  He really does take good care of me, puts me first and guards our time jealously.  He's the romantic, I'm the practical one.  Isn't that backwards?

A busy week ahead.  Must get my head on straight, so I can E.N.J.O.Y. it.

Tuesday night

Well, today was better than yesterday.  For one thing, it was oldest daughter's birthday.  She's so darned cute.  

On Monday I had my morning tea, as usual, but didn't pad the time with prayer.  Big mistake.  Teaching the kids their math was an exercise in futility for sure, causing our middle daughter to cry.  Oh dear.  After having a sweet prayer time the night before, I should've been paying attention, kicking the evil one's butt out of my life, but I wasn't paying attention, just assuming things would be dishy.  Well, they weren't.  Lesson learned, at least for now.  Make a note.

This morning, I got all settled with my tea and read the Morning Prayer in the Book of Common Prayer, and remembered what our priest said on Sunday about the website Common Prayer.  It has the Morning/Evening Prayers and also the Daily Office with the seven times to pray through the day. I did the whole nine yards, not bragging, but admitting that I need help.  You can't (or maybe you can) imagine how much better today was for me.  And think on it, it just makes sense that if you pray at particular times of day, sandwiching the hours with prayer---well, why wouldn't it be better?  A hard discipline, though, which is sort of sad.  

The only redeeming part of yesterday was going to a thrift store with the girls.  They were playing really great music, and at one moment, some song I like came on and I caught the gazes of the girls at different parts of the store and had the flashing thought of how cool it would've been if we'd started dancing right then.  Can you imagine how cool that would've been?  A mini flash mob.  I'll bet there's a lot of dancing in Heaven.  

~ ~ ~

Tomorrow planning on taking care of Mom's needs, then will be free for the rest of the week. I have nothing to do, no responsibilities until Monday when we'll do Mom's stuff again, and will celebrate Gary's birthday.  His last birthday in his fifties, but we won't talk about that.  It passes all too soon.

Take care all.  And take some time.

Herbal goodness and a birthday

Took one son to Whole Foods this evening after dinner to get the remaining ingredients for Rosemary Gladstar's Fire Cider, or a fair copy.  Something new to me, it's made of raw horseradish, raw ginger root, jalapeno peppers, onion, lots of garlic---layered in a jar and then weighted and covered with unfiltered apple cider vinegar.  Set aside for up to a month, then strained and flavored with raw honey.  Saves all through the winter, and is said to help stave off the creepies. Looking forward to mixing it all up, and will hunt down some plastic gloves.  Makes me happy to do this stuff.  I could make tinctures, etc. all day and be content.  That being said, I have an Elderberry tincture and an Echinacea one to strain and bottle up tomorrow.  I'll be busy.

And just ordered some herbs online at Mountain Rose Herbs (things I can't find at the hippy store here) to fill capsules for winter's additional healing if we're hit with coughs.  I'm thinking the flu won't call at our door since we all had it last year and it seems we get about 12 months worth of immunity.  That's been the case in the past.

And tomorrow is middle daughter's sixteenth birthday.  Fun.  Deep dish apple pie (instead of cake) for dessert and Spanakopita (with chicken) for dinner.  More fun.  And in addition to middle daughter's gifts, we found two cups and saucers (at TJ Maxx) for both her and the least one, so they both get a gift first thing in the morning.  Bought them a cinnamon roll to split too.  Can't wait to see what they say about them.  

Going to settle into the rest of the night now.  I bought two bars of soap at the store tonight as well.  Almond is one and the other is called Dirty Hippie and is made of Patchouli and Nutmeg, heavy on the Patchouli.  Smells delicious.  A hot bath sounds nice.  Then will find something easy to read in bed---had begun and gotten pretty far in William Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury and it makes my brain hurt.  So different from the book of his I read last week and enjoyed so much.  I need a break from thinking.

Time for quiet.

Monday

A day of cleaning, with the two youngest girls taking over.  The work they get done in a short amount of time is amazing.  With that done, sort of a Monday routine, we can relax a bit tomorrow.  It's second son's 25th birthday, so we'll make curry and naan for dinner, plus middle daughter will bake his cake. Unfortunately he's working (and lives away in an apartment with first-born, so we can't hit up on him first thing).  He'll probably pop in mid-day before he goes on into work, but he'll be here to eat after his stint at the restaurant.  That'll be late, though, about eleven pm or so.  We'll eat at the regular time and save his...with him blowing out candles late.  Can't be helped.

Just finished watching some old home movies. Everybody is in them, with the least one being less than a month old in one (2002) and walking in the next one (2003). Everyone was so cute, eating all the time, but being silly.  Guess they had a happy childhood, hmmm?  Oldest daughter cuts a look at me when I say things like that.  Just checking. ;)  Making gingerbread cookies, the vacuum cleaner still sitting in the hallway as it is this very minute, folded clothes piled up on the back of the sofa, middle daughter who was about 3 wearing her turtleneck shirt inside out with the tag hanging out, g.i. joes, but lots of laughs.  It passes way too quickly.

I had tea on the front porch after dinner....still raining. Supposed to be cooler tonight and the next few days. Bliss.

On the Eighth Day of Christmas

Well, my to-do list isn't following through as I expected, and that's only because with the living room/dining room in disarray, plus the kitchen just feeling grungy, it was a toss-up to pick only one area.  Wanted to clean behind appliances---I exaggerate, not 'wanted to' but 'need to' is more like it.  That will have to wait until tomorrow---or even later than that.  Today's focus was the living room, and putting up some of my Valentine's Day pretties.

Love how the house looks so fresh, though, after putting away decorations. Doesn't everyone feel that way? The rooms feel larger, and getting it vacuumed and dusted thoroughly feels good.

Not much else going on.  Only would love it if I had the energy of a younger person and could get more done at a time.  I'll have to accept my limitations, however, and be proud of what was finished.  Moving the living room furniture is a treat, and seeing things from a different vantage point is a refreshment.  The same old/same old is plain boring.

Now will shuffle around assorted boxes and shove things out of my way so's I can cook dinner.   Enjoy your time off, if you still have some.  We're not beginning school back until Monday, so all is well here.

Happy almost New Year's

Love, love, love the turning of a calendar page, beginning a new week, a fresh new day, but especially a new year.  Gary says I always say I'm glad to begin a new year since the past one was so hard.  Surely I don't always say it.  Surely I'm more original than that.  But, I think I can honestly say that this one was very difficult.  But we all can.  Deaths, broken relationships, in my mom's case---a stroke, too much busyness, exhaustion, tight muscles, inability to relax, frustrating money situations, and the list goes on and on.

My focus in 2014 is to take better care of my health.  Was thinking with third son going to Basic Training for 9 weeks beginning January 14th, that I'll work on my own personal bootcamp here, along the same time. Gives me a time frame and a way to judge my progress, if I work alongside of him.  'Course he'll be way over in South Carolina, but you get what I'm trying to say.

With my mom's stroke, I've experienced a wake-up call.  Sure, she had it at 84 with little health issues before then (well, high b/p which precipitated it), and that's a pretty darn good track record.  But, with my migraines, figure taking care of my heart and brain would be an excellent use of my time.

So, today deep breaths.  Tomorrow a re-focus.  May God bless us all.

Merry Christmas to you...

I never put up family photos, but figured at Christmas, I'd go ahead.  And I'll even go the distance and tell you the kids' names.  Bottom photo:  Standing left to right:  Jonathan 28 (oldest), Joseph 22 (who's joining the National Guard), Willa 15, and Jacob 24.  Sitting:  Emma 11 (the least one), Jonah 17 (youngest boy), Anna 26 (who's dating sweet Indian boyfriend), and Joshua 20.  That's the lot of them.

This afternoon, while the turkey was in the oven, Gary stayed home to watch it and the kids went with me to visit my mom.  I felt a bit overwhelmed, having them all with me.  We filled up the elevator.  One of those mother's moments, you know.  They don't come often, but when they do, you need to stop a minute and savor them.

Funny.  Gary just laughed when he saw the photos he uploaded.  Hard to get everyone to cooperate.  And personally I think I look traumatized and G. thinks he'd fit into Duck Dynasty just fine.  Glad he doesn't wear camouflage clothes.

Anyway, Merry Christmas.  Now, go get some rest. :)

Christmas Eve Eve

• have spent all i'm gonna spend :)
• bought stocking stuffers today
• it's a low-key holiday, which is sweet
• tonight i took the girls to the Presbyterian mega-church we used to regularly visit for their Christmas service----well, one of about seven services
• my goodness
• oldest daughter laughed at us beforehand and said, "no bowing, crossing of yourselves, and no kneeling"
• yeah, made me laugh
• was good to sing praise music loudly
• i miss that sometimes
• will go to our church's Christmas Eve service tomorrow night---there might be thirty people there, or I might be surprised
• looking forward to lots of incense, which is promised
• there's nothing more i need right now---just that
• take care all

On Tuesday

'The Coat of Many Colors' by Louis Ginnett

Got to shop this morning through early afternoon. Many thanks to generous in-laws who yearly give us money to spend on the kids.  A huge blessing.  Had left the kids with instructions to wash the kitchen floor, feed Pugs, and do schoolwork.  They did it all, and I enjoyed having time to myself.  Think I'll do it again on Thursday morning. And got my mom's clothes delivered back to her.  She wasn't in the room, apparently in rehab, but that was good so I could run in and run out.  Time was at a minimum.

But tomorrow have decided to stay at home and bake bread to take to church tomorrow night.  We're having a party---well, lots of party sorts of things.  First off, the kids will make Chrismons (ornaments literally dripping in glitter which represent Christ), then we'll have a soup supper, then the Christmas pageant which really is the highlight of my holiday.  So Charlie Brown-ish.  I love it.  I'll help two of the other moms with directing the kids where to go, and when to do whatever it is they have to do.  It really is adorable.  And our least one is Mary this year. Lovely.

So tomorrow is all about recharging, not feeling guilty about anything, and filling my spirit up with homey things. Refreshment.  I need that.  While I tend to walk around tense all the time, this will be my excuse to rest and recharge myself. It is allowed.

Tuesday late

This is a first.  The tree isn't up.  The decorations are still in the attic and not a gift has been bought by me. The wreaths aren't on the outside doors either.  I am using a snowman mug oldest daughter just bought for me, though.  The kids say we're putting up the tree this weekend.  Guess we'll have a whirlwind Christmas. Whoosh, and we'll be done.

You know, this could turn out to be the sweetest Christmas ever.  We've pared down by necessity and design, through no fault of our own.  Life is just pinching now.  My emotions are raw and unpredictable.

I have this routine each year when I unpack the ornaments.  I say to myself that I wonder what will be different this year compared to the past year.  What is different?  Who's passed away and who's been born? What has made an impact on me personally?  And I go through the same routine when I pack them away.

Oh my.

Glad we have these kids who just keep on, keeping on.  They surely are my joy.