'My Life in Middlemarch' by Rebecca Mead

For the past few weeks I've been reading Middlemarch for the first time alongside Rebecca Mead's My Life in Middlemarch, and I must say it's been a treat.  She causes Eliot come alive in her telling of Eliot's life and career, all the while spinning in her own love for Eliot's writing.  Rarely am I able to find a book that depicts an author so clearly.  It was like the very best university course all neatly packaged in a beautifully bound hardback.

I was partial to this comment of Mead's:  "This notion---that we each have our own center of gravity, but must come to discover that others weigh the world differently than we do---is one that is constantly repeated in the book.  The necessity of growing out of such self-centeredness is the theme of Middlemarch."

Mead is so incredibly thorough in her research and portrayal of George Eliot.  She must've spent hours and hours of enjoyable time in adding to her vast collection of information.  But the clincher for me was a bit at the first of the book when she's going to be able to read a journal of Eliot's stored in the rare book collection of the New York Public Library.  What thrilled me was Mead describing the book opened in front of her, and the subtle scent of a fireplace stealing over her.  She imagined all the places that journal had been stored, and thinking of Eliot holding it, writing in it and maybe the smoldering of a fireplace where Eliot actually lived.

Real folks writing real books.  She made George Eliot come alive for me.  Now.  Considering Middlemarch is Rebecca Mead's favorite of novels, I'd love to find a similar work for my own favorite, Jane Eyre.  Satisfying that would surely be.

I highly recommend this book, especially for lovers of 19th century fiction, which for me is the perfect era.  Excellent work.  Excellent.

(i received this book free to review from blogging for books/crown publishing)

Saturday afternoon

~' a peaceful sunday' by hans thoma

Funeral yesterday (me sitting there quietly crying before the service even began....so draining being me), then library with three youngest, getting caught out in, what appeared to be, a monsoon on our way home.  Waking up early this morning to Gary getting ready to take Nat'l Guard son to drill for the day (which is almost 2 hours away). They were up at 5am.  Major ugh.  He thought it might be a fun day-date for us, but the heat really gets to me, so youngest son went with him.  They're fishing, which works great for me.  Male bonding.

I stayed home and went out this afternoon with oldest daughter for dinner things...hamburgers and potato salad (potatoes are just finished boiling), since I figure they'll all be hungry when they get home.  Got the flowers for the Altar....white/ivory/light pink roses for a couple who are celebrating an anniversary.  I'll be setting up the Altar elements as well, which will be my first time alone.  Will have our priest double-check me before the service so he doesn't end up with an 'ah-ha' moment during Communion.  Eye roll.

Now must try to get an accurate balance in the checkbook.  Speaking of  'ah-ha' moments. Continued eye roll.  But is the balance ever in favor of you having more money in there than you thought?  Uh, no.  But I'm optimistic nonetheless.

Must chill.  I say that a lot.  My life lately has been way overfull of drama and its ugly stepsister called anxiety.  Gary had a sweet, long conversation with one dating son yesterday about his (son's) love life, wanting to know what was up, etc.  This son expressed strong interest in marrying his girlfriend, and Gary was cautioning him with linking his life to a non-believer.  Oh my.  You can tell them and tell them, but they have to do it themselves.  Maybe his faith isn't as important as we'd like to think.  But after the new wears off in a relationship, if there's not a cornerstone of Christ, what's holding it together?  Not much.   I realize many marriages of non-Christians work, but why, if you've been raised in that environment, put yourself in a trying situation?  Preaching to the choir here,  I realize.

Not much I can do about any of it tonight.  Must read a book.  Got a few used (but new-ish looking) books at the used bookstore at the library yesterday.  Two by Muriel Barbery---The Elegance of the Hedgehog (which is an excellent movie I've seen on Netflix), and Gourmet Rhapsody, The Hidden Life by Kitty Crenshaw and Catherine Snapp, PhD (about depression), Lamb in Love by Carrie Brown which I've read a few times, and at the library checked out the trilogy of Elizabeth Goudge's about the Eliots of Damerosehay.  Love them.  And got The Rosemary Tree (one of my favorites of hers) too.  Love little Winkle in that book.

Still plowing through (and that's the only term for it) Middlemarch.  Is it good?  Well, excellent writing, but very long sentences and paragraphs.  My mental state isn't quite up to the challenge, but one of my goals for this summer is to finish it.  Now on around page 300 or so and it's over 800 pages, so I will prevail.

Will have rest for the remainder of the day.  Can't solve any problems that might be lurking in my wee brain.  Oldest daughter is making a chocolate pie or two with a recipe from my grandmother, who was a fine, plain cook.  Something to look forward to.

Take care all.

Sunday night

My dear older friend from church passed away last night right after I posted about him entering hospice.  Everyone was sober at church today---tears just below the surface.  His funeral this week will be very, very special.  He was a leader in the Republican Party here years ago, and I'm sure his service will be attended by some fancy folks.  Nor surprising.  I told Gary tonight I don't know when I've ever met a sweeter man than this one.  We began the habit of me going up to him in his and his wife's pew before church and I'd lean down to him.  We'd hug and he'd always give me a kiss on the cheek.  A gentleman from the old school. Dear, sweet Jack, you are already missed.  Wish I'd known several weeks ago when I was receiving that last kiss that it was the last one.

I was thinking about him reaching Heaven.  No more having to walk stooped over with a cane.  His eyes are strong, his heart beating regularly, but the same sweet smile.  Heaven rejoices, for sure. His wife will be lost for a time.  Maybe for always.  They spent all their time together.  Oh my.

Nat'l Guard son's girlfriend came to church with him today.  Folks were very welcoming to her. She's Catholic and says she doesn't want to change, which is fine with me, but gosh....I think I'm overdone with too much to think about.  I've got to distance myself from our kids' lives, I guess.

And have got to make a concerted effort to rest this week.  The last week will not be up for renewal.  Stomach's a mess.  I read an article the other day about physical ailments caused by uncontrolled stress.  Then it ended up with saying a person needed to lessen their stress in order to heal.  Huh.  Really now?  Must look into a follow-up article that'll spell out how to manage that trick.  Have had excellent luck with yoga.  Might lock myself in the bedroom tomorrow and give it another whirl.  Might just lock myself in the bedroom no matter.

I have groceries in the house for tomorrow's dinner.  All the basics.  Must needs to putter, maybe do some handwork, get outside since that's a great leveler of emotions.  Supposedly walking outside barefooted is good for a person's soul.  Grounding.  Maybe sounds lame to say that, but will give it a try.

Take care.

Taking time

Resting in bed and drinking tea with Cardamom and whole Allspice in it...yummy. About to get out glue/scissors and magazines and indulge in some artsy stuff.  Therapeutic. Tired of bad news, and would enjoy a retreat from life for a bit.  I think I joined the old show, Let's Make a Deal, but looked behind the wrong door.

A dear older friend at church has entered hospice care, and it's sort of the last straw. Still reeling from daughter's truck being stolen. And thinking about childrens' love lives, but not fretting about that issue.  Just on my mind. Other stuff I won't get into.  Glad I've got some Scripture memorized, since the verses you need will indeed pop up into your head when you most need them.

Funny thing.  Or not so funny.  A couple of months ago, I prayed to the Lord about wanting to be a person whose eyes betrayed a softness.  Now, I tend to have a spicy side not too far below the surface.  I can get real mad, real quick.  But I'd been thinking about folks I know.  Christians.  And how sometimes you run across a person with such a kindness in their eyes.  A kindness that's only achieved by pain.  Do you know what I mean?  Well, I prayed to be one of those people.  Ever since then...now, it might be a coincidence, but ever since then, life has kicked up a notch.  HARD. And after I got over my mad, and my frustration, and trying to manage a particular situation, I've come to a place where I'm exhausted, but surrendered.  Not so sure anyone would see a gentleness in my own eyes, but maybe a fatigue that tells of pain.  I'm sure that's there.  But am I sorry I prayed that?  Not really.  A bit surprised at what's occurred, but not sorry.

I'll now take some deep breaths, listen to restful music and let things go.   Just thinking that way puts my heart at ease just a bit.  Knowing that the Lord has everything under control. Everything. Take care, loves.

...and yes, I'm reading Middlemarch....hadn't realized how not smart I am until I began to read it.  :)

Stuff

Feeling smacked around a bit overmuch.  Oldest daughter's pick-up truck was stolen out of our driveway overnight.  She's got a metal sleeve on her steering column (put on by previous owners after it was stolen from them too), to make it impossible to break it and hotwire it.  Still, it's gone.

Oh, and she just paid about $900.00 to get her a/c completely overhauled.  Really, you're saying?

To say we all feel sick would be an understatement.

Many things in life are hitting against us right now.  Work, third son's relationship with his girlfriend, now this....just overwhelmed.

But still it stands that, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose."~Romans 8:28 emphasis mine

And He is faithful.

'Soul Keeping' by John Ortberg

There's something about John Ortberg's newest book called Soul Keeping that disturbs me, but it's hard to put a finger on it.  Maybe part of it was his tendency to use humor to push a point across, but it came through as very juvenile.  And his stories about himself, especially one part when he admits his selfishness towards his wife during their honeymoon, no less, was troublesome to read.  His honesty might be considered a plus to some readers, but that's not the only incident where he talks about himself in an unflattering manner.  But it's not like he changes.  He just keeps being irritating. Enough already.  Stop pushing everybody's buttons.  And there's an incident where he badgers his two year old daughter to tears, shooting her with constant questions because he's tired of her doing the same to him. I guess his reason for sharing these stories is to show how our souls sometimes need work.  I get that, but still...

This book seems to be heavy on him quoting his spiritual mentor, Dallas Willard, who is an unknown to me.  Reminded me of reading Thomas Moore's book Care of the Soul and how he cozied up to the late Thomas Merton.  Nice to have someone to look up to, but the tendency is to quote your favorite writer/human/educator/pastor and present them as perfect.  Like their words are always crystal and worthy to be quoted.  I find that dangerous territory.

While I'll applaud his research and the references he uses, his anecdotes relying on humor to pull him through were draining to read.  I didn't detect sincerity, rather I felt I was reading work from a stand-up comedian.

(i received this e-book free to review from thomas nelson/booklook bloggers)

Tuesday morning

Thought I'd begin my day alone and quiet----tea in bed, rather than tea in the living room with two Pugs in my lap, rallying for who sits where.  Very distracting on my best day.  Sometimes I just need to be alone, and even with the kids hither and yon, it can be a challenge.

After third son got home last night from the restaurant (he went back part-time to his job after returning from Basic Training, etc.,), Gary and I were talking in the kitchen.  I said I felt like I rarely got anything accomplished, that so many things were left un-done.  As it was, I was plowing through second son's laundry---he and first-born bring their clothes here from their apartment, for which I'm grateful.  Nice to have a touch to do with their lives, even with them gone.  I consider it a blessing to be able to do that for them, and I'm not kidding.  To wash and fold their clothes, knowing that that part of their lives is taken care of makes me happy.  Moms.  We're so lame. :) Anyway, with trying to get the house whipped into shape before our Fourth of July cook-out on Friday, I'm a bit beside myself wanting it to look extra nice for third son's girlfriend's first visit here. I'm sensing permanence in that relationship (even with my qualms about it), and having 'mother-in-law' thoughts in my head puts it on a different plane.

And with Gary's shop being a bit quiet again (God's working on us, so darkness is part of our lives now), I'm trying to focus on my own job here at home.  I know the Lord is allowing the silence to show us to trust Him.  Challenging.  I woke up this morning, realizing it's a new month---the bills turn over once again, and the verse in the Bible about being anxious hit me.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."~Philippians 4:6-7

Like the lyrics in the Frozen movie---Let it Go!  Let it Go!

Anyway, to back up.  After I fussed about feeling as if I don't manage to finish anything, Gary caught me up and reminded me of the importance of my job.  I think I just needed to hear an 'attaboy'....a kind word.  And I was tired.  Easy to feel overdone when it's the end of the day and things look messy in the house.

Reminded too of a conversation I had yesterday afternoon with one of the grocery store managers. We usually visit when the kids and I go to the store.  He's just a nice guy.  So, we were comparing notes on what's going on---he had water in his basement from the heavy rains from the other night, and I have my own issues.  We agreed that it boiled down to Life.  Just that.  You might try to tidy it up, have long expanses with no worries, but it comes and goes like the waves of the sea. What's troubling me today will likely be resolved soon, but something else will take its place.  You can't escape it, but might as well be philosophical about it and go with it.  I find comfort in that. Knowing we're all trying to live our lives, not always doing the best job, but we're trying.  None of us escape it unscathed.  None of us.  As Gary says, we all have a wheelbarrow of junk to tote around.

So, the day winds in front of me.  I can hear the chickens outside my bedroom window.  The youngest girls had watermelon last night, and they're sharing the leftovers with the hens.  Trying to keep them cool on this, already, hot day.  And with most of the heavy cleaning already done, I can putter and decorate today.

Praying for God's blessing and favor on Gary's shop, giving more thanks for the groceries second son bought us yesterday, praising Him for what He can see ahead and I can't, thanks for the means to manage even when life seems unmanageable, for Mercy, Provision, and a thankful heart above all.  All wrapped up in Trust and Faith, and yes, easier said than done.