Birthday boy

Sometimes there are no words.  They just don't come.  Maybe that's a sign that life is feeling safe. 

 

My husband did have a birthday, the last in a series of three-in-a-row.  Two daughters had birthdays just days before his.  This was the big sixty birthday, which seems a bit awesome, and he insisted on 60 candles, which caused much smoke after the blowing out part.  The girls blew up sixty balloons for him too, we made his favorite dinner, really, it was all fun.  I met him when I was 23 and he was 26, so for the years to have passed so swiftly is mind-boggling.  Sixty?  You have got to be kidding.  Oh whatever.  I am so very thankful to have the years with him.  Love.  That.  Man.

Planning on buying the oven part tomorrow, which we desperately need.  Two weeks today until Thanksgiving, which has crept up on me as well.  So grateful we get along with all of our children, regardless of the whirlwind of this year.  Oldest son was here today with gifts for the birthday folks.  Hadn't seen him in awhile, so I loved seeing him.  Getting my hands around him for a hug.  

And talked to California son yesterday and he'll be here for three weeks to visit at Christmas.  

Really, I'm letting go of a lot of grief.  God has the kids in His more-than-capable hands.  I can rest in that for now.  The holidays require such mental energy, and I just want to cook and welcome my family.  No time for angst.

Fussy britches...

So, I was sitting in church before the service began, leaned over and told my husband, "Okay, today I just hate people."  He gives me a grin with that bearded face.  Asked if something specific had happened and I said that, no, I just hated folks.  Today.

Here's the deal.  I'm tired of people-pleasing.  Of so many Marthas at our church.  Such self-sacrificing women who just plain wear. me. out.  

I screw up.  Okay?  I really screw up sometimes.  And, you know, I don't have to bow to that pressure.  With God, I'm good enough right now,  Today.  I love that.  We need, as the body of Christ, to stop beating up on one another.  And do less, not more.  Take care of what's in front of us without fabricating more works.

There was a meeting after church about Christmas preparations and all the Advent goodness.  Gary was there and he volunteered to deliver the presents to the Neighborhood Christian Center in December, among other things.  Folks (the Marthas) were offering to do all sorts of things.  Okay, fine.  Be that way.  These are a couple of women who are already booked, but they just won't let up.  I promise, it'll get done.  But to load more on your already-weighted-down-backs is ridiculous.

I asked Gary afterward if I should've been there (honestly, I wasn't part of any committee who was supposed to be present). and he said I could've probably come and offered to do something, but to his credit, no pressure was laid on me.  He's a good man, even though he's got way too much energy.  I said I'd prefer to do things I felt the Lord setting in front of me than doing things just because of a void on the checklist.  I'm really big in following your spiritual giftedness, but really, anyone can take out the trash, you know?  No reason to be persnickety, but doing to be doing isn't the way.  And really, if some things DON'T get done, what's the worst that would happen?

Yeah, that's what I thought too.

Sadly, though, we won't have a Christmas Pageant this year.  My favorite thing.  I'll just have to get over it.  Correction:  Oldest daughter heard Gary and I talking about it just now and will offer to organize it.  Thrills me to bits.  So like the pageant from Sam Elliott's movie Prancer, a personal favorite, for obvious reasons.  Ahem.  Focus.  Focus.

More joy.  That's what I need and want.  And anybody remember me telling what my mom said the day after her stroke two years ago?  She said, "I wish I'd had more fun."

Words to keep tucked in your heart.

(listening to Toto's Africa and Rosanna)

Week's end

It's a funny thing.  When you give your body a chance to rest and recover from whatever-it-is-that-ails-you, sometimes you feel worse than before.  I think it's our body's way of saying, "Hold up!  Give me some more time."  That's me now.  I don't have any disease, but just a continual exhaustion.  Better, but not cured.

And in my necessary quietness, I got to thinking about the Internet and how different our lives would be without it.  Blessed in ways, but cursed in others by being online.

If we didn't have the Internet:  So many books wouldn't be shared or even written.  So many narcissists wouldn't have an audience.  Children behaving better, marriages richer, but fewer recipes to make and fewer friends to claim.  See, good and bad.  And maybe one of the most significant---better self-images if we didn't continually inundate ourselves with comparisons to folks we don't even know.  Even this afternoon, I was looking at some blogs I follow, and after I turned off my phone, looked around and felt awful.  Like I was living in a dump, which I don't, but still, it felt like it.

* * *

Oldest daughter went to a tea party at a new friend's house yesterday and the husband was installing rabbit ears in their attic.  They'd just cancelled Comc*ast for their cable company and needed the antenna to get a signal.  Fewer stations, yes, but free.  We've done the same.  My husband got online and made from scratch an antenna for our bedroom tv and we'd never taken down the big old antenna on our roof, which is linked to our living room set.  Works great.  Not sure how many stations we get, but maybe ten.  It varies, to be honest.  

Our Internet connection is through our cellphones, with a gadget giving us a hotspot (using a gadget called a hockey puck or something like that), which allows us a certain amount of fast-speed, then unlimited slower-speed through our laptops.  In about two weeks each month we use up the fast, and now we're slogging along.  Like the old phone connection.  Don't load photos, watch videos, or hope for anything to load quickly.  But, so much less expensive.  Biggest plus, for households with children---you can turn off the hotspot.  Love that.

So many folks are going backward.  Less technology, more focus on less.  Think on that one.  We jumped en masse on the bandwagon with all that the Internet offered so many years ago, and later on (maybe) realized how intrusive that lifestyle was going to be in our daily lives.

Too much stimuli makes for a life feeling like a body after a heavy meal.  And all the health food you can stuff into your face won't remedy that unless a mental purge is engaged.

And so it goes.

Wednesday evening

A day at home, celebrating oldest daughter's birthday.  Presents, cake, quietness.  All restful.

* * *

Funny how the Lord puts things in front of you in a timely manner.  I got a copy of Sue Bender's second book Everyday Sacred (love that title) at the library bookstore recently and cracked it open last night.  Just what I needed.  Funny too, since I didn't take to her first book Plain and Simple.  Here are some quotes:

"These incomplete tasks weigh on me---my mind often focuses on what I'm not getting done rather than on what I am doing." 

"He has a quality I've read about in books but have rarely experienced---'a still point in the midst of activity.'"

"...not paying attention to what my body needed."

"We all need a certain amount of fallow time."

"How quickly calm disappears."

* * *

I've been too busy lately.  With ordinary life.  Not adding anything to my to-do list, but 

just not setting limitations on what's reasonable.  I look SO tired.  Still dealing with my taxed adrenal glands.  Say what you will, folks who don't believe it's a real ailment.  I'm here to tell you otherwise.

We all could do with some rest.  Deep rest.  

I had a brief, very brief few minutes this afternoon of feeling totally aware.  You know those times you feel in the zone, focused and into whatever you're doing.  It's relaxing in some odd way.  All I was doing was cutting up the cooked chicken to put back in our dinner pot.  The flash of feeling totally attuned to my task was wonderful, but as soon as it was there, it was gone.  Very elusive.  I partly blame interruptions.  Remembered I had to pay one of my mom's bills over the phone that I'd forgotten to do earlier.  Whoosh.  Peace of mind out the window.

It's all about being attentive.  Attention completely on whatever's going on, not allowing anything to break the peace.  Wonderful when it happens, but it's sort of like aligning the planets.  Rarely occurs.

Must practice it some more.

(listening to Home at Last by Josh Garrels)

Thinking about stuff...

Got to thinking this morning about how rigid I can be.  How hemmed in I behave in regards to certain things.  Not sure why, but I think I was raised that way.  And really, I believe in my younger days, that was more the norm.  Black and white lines, not so many grey areas either in life, religion or politics.

Now life is more messy, I know mine is.  My children are messy, and my house....oh my goodness.  Blurred lines are everywhere.

* * *

Speaking of which, put some Kilz on the bathroom ceiling.  We have major mildew issues, not in the walls or anything, but on surfaces in there.  And with a house that's moving toward seventy years old, with poor ventilation in the bathroom, guess it's not surprising.  Figure I'll gradually work on that room before the holidays.  I wanted to make myself a deadline, do a bit at time until it's done.  Might take awhile.

Why am I telling you this?  Accountability, maybe.  Or, perhaps I'm embarrassed at my new daughter-in-law having to go in there when they come for Thanksgiving.  Think me a slattern.  Yeah, that's probably it.

* * *

Last fall I bought a copy of that beautiful magazine Bella Grace and was looking at it earlier.

Giving myself a break today to color outside the lines, at least this morning.  Several things caught my eye in the magazine, including this quote by Mary Oliver:  

"What I want in my life is to be willing to be dazzled---to cast aside the weight of facts and maybe even to float a little above this difficult world."

And there's a piece written by a woman called Dee Taylor and she says this:

"She lifted the expectations of herself and was instantly set free.  You know that moment when you say to yourself, 'You are doing all you can do.  And that's good enough.  THIS.  IS.  FREEDOM.'"

My girls are excellent at this.  Even how they dress is unique and full of possibilities and originality.  They all seem to have a darned good self-esteem, something longing in my own life, and their opinions of themselves are healthy.  The least one struggles a bit with this, but at 13, I think that's not unusual.  She's still in the between stages.

I think I tend to suffer from the demon of 'not good enough' and it's a constant burden I tote around.  Last week I had too many tasks at the end of the week, and I kept at it, not wanting to let anyone down.  My mom doesn't understand personal limitations anymore, maybe because she doesn't place any on herself.  She avoids doing more than she actually wants to do, and has unintentionally handicapped herself.  For example, her desire to walk without her walker hasn't been strong enough to push her to move unassisted.  She does exactly what she wants to do, no more, and in that mindset, she's able to lay a lot on me/us instead.  Her expectations from me are a bit lofty at times, though she doesn't see it.  

So for me, even though I might have more to do that is healthy, because it's my reality, I lack the ability (it seems) to say, "This is more than I can bear.  Go away, little person."

My husband is of a type A personality.  I'm not.  Say what you will about opposites attracting, and you'd be right.  I'm whatever isn't a type A.  I sit a lot.  Rather folks keep quiet, and don't favor crowds.  He's not a people person, but is very enthusiastic when he's into something.  Intense is a mild word for him.  Aggressive and a bit in your face.  But I like that in a man, for whatever reason.  

Anyway, being so introspective might be a good thing.  I analyze my behavior, maybe too much, but I like to know why stuff happens.  Why do I have such a poor self-image?  Why is there self-hate going on?  Would losing weight help that?  Not sure, because I'd have to get to the root of the problem, and I'm not sure what it is.  Maybe just giving myself room for acceptance.  Not promising that I'll love myself when ____ happens, but now.  Not when I'm thin enough, but this very day.  Not when the house is ship-shape, but right now.

Today I'm toasting blurred lines.  There's more than one way of doing things.  And yes, today I'm good enough.  Do you realize how extraordinary it is to say that?  

Thanksgiving

The following statement might need to be a blog post all to its own:

All my children, with the exception of our son who's in northern California now, will be here for Thanksgiving.  Invitations not offered as of yet (they beat me to it), but they want to be here.  Even with all our strife this year, they choose to have their knees under our table for Thanksgiving Dinner.  Even newly-married son and his wife.  

God be praised.

'Classic Human Anatomy in Motion' by Valerie L. Winslow

When I selected Valerie L. Winslow's book titled Classic Human Anatomy in Motion to review, I had our youngest son in mind, who draws several hours a day.  And while he's acquiring an impressive collection of drawing books, this has to be at the top of the list.  With examples of bone structure (including the names for all parts of the body), muscle placement, how the body moves in various positions, and diagrams showing incredible attention to small bits and pieces, this book is amazing.  

 And honestly, it's one of the finest modern-day art books I've seen.  She shows in such detail the bodies underneath the skin and bones, and that's what needs to be understood.  Our son is impressed, and from what he's said and what I've seen, it's really like a science book masked as an art book.  Human anatomy beautifully represented.  His main comment is that it's easy to find anatomy books that show a limited array of detail, but Winslow shows that detail to the extreme.  There's nothing I would add to what she's already produced.

For the seasoned artist, or a beginning art student, this is a wonderful addition to to their bookshelves.

(i received this book free to review from blogging for books)