Saturday night

Something acted up with our electricity on Friday, which may require my husband installing a new switch box (which he bought today), and it sent me into a panic, something that's easily done. Fell asleep last night in a totally fearful state.  I told my husband that my mind often goes to the place of the 'worst case scenerio' and he jokes that it must s*ck to be me.  Had to laugh.  He doesn't get this sort of fear, being able to blow things off.  But you know, rarely does that other shoe ever drop.  I should know this.

This morning as I was sitting having my tea with Violet the Pug in my lap, I spoke to the Lord about this dilemma of mine.  This fear. Visualized Him sitting near me, speaking such love.  Quieting my flying heart.  Do I even understand how He wishes me to not be so traumatized by such simple (and easily remedied) situations?  Probably not.  My stress level this year maxed out.  Guess this is normal.  Least for me until I get my mental health back.  We're working on it. 

* * *

Oldest daughter and I went out for the afternoon today, which was very healing.  Went to lunch and then to a small town just to the east of us.  One of the shops in the Town Square was having a sale and will be closing after the new year begins.  I was able to find some linens (two sets of cloth napkins and a tablecloth), and will give some of the brocade napkins to married son and his wife along with a decorating book for Christmas.  Love this sort of shopping.  I spent only nine dollars on these things.  Amazing.  Also got a Confederate Flag pin to wear on my denim jacket.  Quite honestly, it was my favorite purchase.

As we walked around the Square as we were ready to leave, we noticed a bluegrass band practicing in the gazebo, preparing for a wedding.  With both autumn and Christmas decorations round about, the green looked so pretty.  White folding chairs set up, the groomsmen in grey tuxes and bridesmaids wearing beautiful black dresses, it was all wonderfully festive.  And hopeful.  Though very windy!

* * *

Seems tomorrow will be the lull before the true busyness begins.  It's the last Sunday to have flowers to arrange because other women handle the Advent Poinsettias and altar decorating.  I'll have a break, which will be grand.  I enjoy doing the flowers, but time off will be nice---not ashamed to admit that.

Time to turn off my head.  Looking forward to Sunday.

(listening to You Are God Alone by the Women of Faith)

Mid-week

Oddly enough, I believe the most excitement this week was on Monday night when the kids and I were shopping for my mom's groceries.  Was just passing by the frozen turkey display, saw about three over-twenty-pounders (Butterballs, no less) mixed in with the smaller birds and put a big one in the cart.  At 89 cents a pound, I thought that was a steal, especially since I'd read that the ones this large would be hard to find.  Sorta happy about that.  Will buy a smaller turkey to roast ahead of time on Thanksgiving Eve night, so's to have enough for leftovers and sandwiches.  

Actually, the best part of Thanksgiving dinner, to my way of thinking, is the day after.  Cold turkey on white bread with a dash of salt and mayonnaise is what I call delicious.  

* * *

Today is good.  Lots of wind yesterday, and last night just before the rain came, the wind was downright scary.  Gary and I sat on the front porch after dinner in the dark, watching the trees blow across the street, and I was mentally praying for God's protection. The tops of the trees were just whipping.  Our neighborhood is full of old oaks, as I've mentioned before, and we cringe and pray when it's stormy.

It's always amazing when the wind actually calms when you pray for the Lord to intervene when the weather is dangerous.  Maybe that's one reason, just one reason, that the Bible includes the story about Him calming the waters when the disciples were in the boat.  To prove He can and will do this.  And He still does.  I just shake my head.

Later last night we heard about trees falling on cars, and trees down along with wires---in our same part of town.  Thankfully nobody was hurt.  Now, I'm not getting cocky about this, but do credit the Lord with sparing us.  I'm no more special than anyone else, but the wind was outrageous.  I do understand the rain falls on the just and unjust.  But really, we do have the ability to ask for Him to intervene.  Either we just play the victim and give up to whatever the world shoves our way, or we ask for help.  I ask you, which is the wiser route?

* * *

Getting the house ready for company, even just my boys.  Want the house to sparkle for next week.  Having things done gradually allows for not-so-much-pulling-out-of-hair next week.  Dusting bookshelves, and all-around tidying up.  All pleasant when you're not rushed.

You take care.

Thanksgiving

The following statement might need to be a blog post all to its own:

All my children, with the exception of our son who's in northern California now, will be here for Thanksgiving.  Invitations not offered as of yet (they beat me to it), but they want to be here.  Even with all our strife this year, they choose to have their knees under our table for Thanksgiving Dinner.  Even newly-married son and his wife.  

God be praised.

Rainy Monday night

Woke up a bit later than usual, with needing more sleep after yesterday's busyness.  I forget how important a good night's sleep really is to me.  So easy to stay up too late, and get up before necessary.  Seems the whole weekend was spent with one activity after another.

Today's been so sweet, though.  Got up at ten (gasp), had my tea with the Pugs in my lap.  Talk about jockeying for position.  Cleaned the kitchen of all the dishes that had piled up with baking for the dinner at church and just being lazy.  Sinks clogged.  Poured boiling water in them followed by baking soda and white vinegar, and more boiling water.  One good glug with the rubber whatchamacallit and the clog was gone.  Sometimes this requires a male figure to get on the roof to run the garden hose into the water access pipe that sticks out the roof.  Do-it-yourselfers.  That's us, like it or not.

Dusted, vacuumed, generally tidied up the main rooms.  Beat the least one to it, and she's amazing at being tidy, but sometimes I want to re-arrange and straighten.  I find it mentally settling.  Gives me focus.

Had a brief school session with the girls and then went grocery shopping for Mom and us.   Had heard that Tropical Storm Patricia would impact our weather this evening and wanted to get a jump on it.  Well.  It's raining as it has been for a couple of days.  Glorious.  But while we've had hurricane rain before (it just looks different), this seems ordinary.  Still, I find it wild that a hurricane that began in the Pacific Ocean and traveled clear across Mexico could end up in Tennessee.  Loving the rain though.  The trees are going, "Ahhhhh.  Delicious."

Anyway, I say all that to say:  This has been a wonderful day.  Have made it a practice to read our morning selection of Psalms from the Book of Common Prayer out loud. I think that the words need to be heard by our house.  And by any spirits that lurk and aren't welcome.  Since the Bible is living, it sheds life over everything that hears it.  I feel blessed afterward, and I think our home does as well.  

After we got home from the store, I burned some incense from church too.  Just trying to keep on top of it.

Saturday night

I feel in the midst of God's favor just now. Things are lining up.  And it's not about what I want, but what the Lord wants for me.  I came back this afternoon after lunch with one son and could hear Him tell me that I'm right where He wants me to be.  I know.  I can feel it.

Our son and I were able to talk about everything.  Everything.  Our visit was full of love, which I needed to give him.  To let him know we're not rejecting him, but don't agree with his lifestyle, and he knows that.  That it's just plain hard.  And it's not about agreeing to disagree, but to be a mom.  Regardless.

And funny thing...to show how the Lord seemed to be smiling on me.  We went to the dollar store, and I found two products I usually pay full-price for elsewhere.  I got several.  Never have I seen them there...sort of upper class stuff, which was odd.  Plus, our neighbor brought me a new pair of purple patent leather Nine West flats (free) right after I got home.  Just because.

But. I. Am. Whupped.  Emotionally beat.

Here's the thing.  I don't believe the Lord wants us with our knickers all twisted up.  But when our kids live in a way contrary to their upbringing, it's devastatingly hard.  I envy moms whose kids are all believers and live in a traditional manner.  I really do.  Be thankful, and don't take it for granted.

But here's a quote that just fits:  "I don't think God puts us in situations we are not built for.  He puts us in places that are just right for us."~Lisa Bogart

Think on that.  Don't have to like where I am, but do have to relinquish my hold on what I think I deserve.  And when letting go happens, maybe the blessing part follows.  Seems sort of like it.  When my heels are dug in, ain't nothin' good gonna happen.

The clay in the Potter's Hands has to be wet, not hard.  Hard clay just breaks.  And softness of heart isn't achieved easily, least not in my case.

Take care.  Enjoy your Sunday.  :)

(listening to Ceasefire by For King & Country)

Friday noon

~'a mother's joy' by g. zocchi

I can't remember the last time I actually became excited at a weekend staring me in the face.  I'm tired, didn't get enough sleep, but still----am sort of looking forward to it.  And the funny thing is, it's not that there's anything big going on, must be my mindset.  Not anxious about anything.  Am looking forward to lunch with one son, however.  Maybe that's affecting my mood.  Still, no worries plaguing me, and that's a switch for a change.  Life remains the same, but my heart is light.  Can't see any changes in my sons, but today I'm again okay with that.

One thing I've made a practice of since we began our new school year, and partly it's of a credit to my girls.  With youngest son graduated from high school, I only have the two youngest girls to teach.  They're so easy.  Not pressuring of me, pretty laid back all around in regards to school, and enjoyable company.  Can't beat that.  Anyway, the simple new practice is all about my attitude.  I'm not fretting or pushing any of their schoolwork.  Our pace is very slow and we're all enjoying it.  I've never found pleasure so much teaching my children as now.  Maybe they're reaping the benefits of all the drama lately.  No.  More.  Drama.

So, it's a chilly, sunny, breezy day.  Perfect for hanging out clothes and sheets.  Supposed to get a mild blast of colder temperatures this weekend.  Time to bring out Scully, my suede fringe jacket for church.  Layer blankets on the bed, crack the window just a bit at night, put sweaters on the Pugs, and make chili for dinner.  I think that about covers it.

You take care.  

And off he goes...

Second son left for California this afternoon, and should arrive (our time) in a bit over an hour.  Had an excellent visit, very healing for the children here at home.  The girls especially needed to be around a brother who seeks the Lord's will for his life.  This kid's a blessing and makes us very proud.  Talk about having his head screwed on straight, my goodness.

Glad I got this shot of him, unexpected and un-posed since he was just waiting on the other side of the driveway for his sister to move her car and his dad to get the van backed up to load.  He stood there, I clicked and there you have it.  New beard and moustache.  Lookin' good.  

Such a motley crew my children.  A variety with a bit of everything.  Literally.  

Guess it's a balance.

Anyway, showed you the rest of my tribe with the wedding (since taken down) of the wedding, and this one was missing.

And, yes, I cried here at home after we came back from the airport.  I know you understand, those with children out of town.

Tuesday after Labor Day

School will have a late beginning this morning, but all is well.  Second son is asleep on the sofa in the living room---the pass-through room for the whole house.  We're being quiet.  A slow beginning to the day.  The pugs lay 'round about him, and even Romeo, the male dominant, is being sweet.  He's all slung out in front of the sofa---keeping guard.  They seemed to remember him when he came into the house yesterday morning, after we picked him up from the airport.  Four months is a long time, but apparently not long in a dog's mind.  Romeo has a short attention span, so this is miraculous.  The pugs are all about laps, so acceptance is easy for them.

This son went to Powell's bookstore in Portland, before they boarded the plane on Sunday night.  He bought me a used copy of Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross.  He knows my tendency to enjoy Catholic writing.  Said they had a huge section of it.  Amazing bookstore and yes, I'm jealous he got to go there.  A wonderland of books, I hear.

Right now, I'm still in bed, just enjoying the blessing of this son at home.  We've deeply missed him.  He's so sane and well-grounded in the Lord.  We can be ourselves when he's here.  He gets it.  All of it.

* * *

Really feeling this new week is the start of good things.  Fresh starts.  Cooler weather up ahead, even tomorrow.  Rain coming.  Less drama.  Quiet days.  Pumpkin candles.  Sweeping porches of fallen leaves.  Simmering stews.  Letters to be written.  Fall-ish things.  Anticipation.  I do love autumn.

The ability to exhale after so many months of frustration and ultra-busyness is amazing.  Now to watch the Lord begin His work of healing our spirits.

Enjoy your day.

Sovereignty

There's a theme running through certain Christian publishers and it's a bit like a Cause and Effect mentality.  Do this, your end result will be that.  Not guaranteed, but almost a sure thing.  Treat your man like this and he'll react in such-a-way.  Pray this Scripture and you'll see that happen.  Raise up your children in a proper, Christian home and they'll soar.  Tithe and you'll have more than enough to pay your bills.  You get the idea.

I just don't buy into it.

I think it's always been this way.  My dad was a great believer in Oral Roberts and the returns in planting a seed.  And they called it Seed Faith.  Mostly related to tithing, but referring to other things as well.  We like to get involved and I believe God knows that.  Be part of the answer.  

Had a wild thought yesterday.  At least to me.  (John MacArthur wonders where I've been all this time.) What if God's will, without our involvement, always comes to pass.  Do people actually believe that?  If really, prayer is unnecessary and what He wants will occur no matter?  If our prayers are important only as giving us a belief that we are indeed part of the process, and as fellowship.  Linking us to the Father.  Touching base.  Feeling Heaven pass through our spirits.  

What if those situations that happen, when we hardly pray at all and things come about, are a result of being so tuned into God's will that we pray His desires for us, and there they are, because we're paying attention.

Those pleading prayers.  I always wonder.  So much energy and tears for the seemingly unattainable.  Then while we might not see answers, we do get downright chummy with our Heavenly Father.  Maybe He allows the real painful bits of life to draw us near, knowing comfort often puts a barrier between us and Him.  Then throws in what, to us, seems miraculous, but maybe only as knowledge that He's paying attention to the small things while we wrestle with what causes such misery.  

I was praying for favor in my husband's work last night, rebuking the evil one in order that His will would be sure.  Got to thinking about it afterwards, and it seems almost ridiculous to pray this way.  Like the devil is so powerful as to thwart His wishes.  That's where the idea came of God being over all, the sovereign thing, you know.  Maybe I'm a bit slow, and all of you already know this.

Life is hard.  It just is.  And the Book of James does make me squirm since I do not count it all joy.  I don't want to suffer for Christ.  I just don't.  But find it such a huge blessing, even when my life smacks me upside the head, that He will give me small gifts to remind me that He's still here---in the midst.  I think He's okay with me not counting it all joy, knows I'm all gnarly inside, because He made me.  He made me THIS way.  I take great comfort in that.  Ignorant, stubborn, a wrestler with truth sometimes....not all God-given traits perhaps, yet God-allowed ones, maybe just an example of sin stretching its reach, yet something to work with.  Yes, He is Sovereign.

Weekend thoughts

*Listening to Owl City's newest CD, Mobile Orchestra, which middle daughter has been waiting for for ages and ages.  So upbeat, and nice it's on free Spotify on the laptop.  She bought a copy online, but it's easier for me to just listen this way, until I load her copy.  Bird with a Broken Wing (#6) is beautiful and the lyrics cut me to the quick.  And #4 and #7 are pretty darn good too.

*Seems on Monday or Tuesday we'll be able to go see the van our friends are offering us.  He reassured Gary on the phone today that it runs fine.  I feel better about it....can release my concerns and let the Lord handle the details.  The couple have been involved in a custody situation with his wife's son, who she had previous to their marriage.  Allegations of unpleasant abuse by a playmate.  Not pretty.  We'd not heard from them because they'd been advised by their lawyer to leave their house and stay at a hotel.  So sad.  They have custody of the boy, who's only five, for six months now, though.  Time will tell what happens next.  Lots of prayer.

* * *

*Hot as the Dickens here.

*Feeling pretty Jake, though.  Not fretting.  House note paid and the utility bill is sort of caught up.  Not going to worry about anything else, at least not for the rest of the weekend.  Expecting balances being paid next week for a couple of jobs my woodboy finished, which is sweet to know.

*Had our own Communion service tonight here again.  You might remember youngest son won't take the common cup at church, so about once a month, we're doing it ourselves here.  Sweet.  I looked up some verses regarding spiritual interference, point to the importance of keeping our tent clean (Gary's favorite topic lately).  Focused on remembering God is with us no matter what we're doing at the time.  Constant company.

*Got the altar all set up tonight, flowers bought and arranged too.  Now tomorrow morning won't be such a rush. Nice to putter at the church, tidy the Nave, make sure the little dishes that are outside the doorways have blessed water in them (you can tell I'm still not-learning terminology), straighten the Prayer Books and Hymnals in the back of the pews, cut some Hydrangeas to put in the main meeting room, etc.  Housekeeping in general.  I'm good in a behind-the-scenes situation.

Looking forward to Sunday.  And thanks, your prayers are cherished.

Books and stuff

Love William Faulkner.  Love his writing.  Funny thing too---when I want to read something that sets well, I pick up one of his books.  Happily I've been able to buy several of the wonderfully worn Vintage International copies at the library bookstore ($2 or less), some with writing in them.  Some not.  All with broken spines which make reading them a joy.  I feel like I'm repeating myself.

***

In Michele Cushatt's email list 7-Day Challenge I've been subscribed to the past week (I'm done now, but you go ahead), she suggests writing a list consisting of two columns.  One list of things you can control, one of things you can't.  I didn't realize how much I waste time worrying about things I have no control of whatsoever.  That's where the majority of my energy goes.  When I focus on what I have jurisdiction over, the calm feelings appear.  Takes work, but it's do-able.

What I can do is finish deep-cleaning the kitchen, cook dinner, feed dogs and chickens, take out the garbage, love my family, etc.  I can't make money, bring customers into my husband's shop or make an impact (at least one I'm aware of) that will bring my sons back to the Lord.  

Once you get over the notion that you're that necessary, the lines are clear.  Hard to NOT wander over into the column of what I can't control, though.  As we've told our kids in terms of their jobs---'they are expendable.'  Same in my life, I reckon.

And I'm reminded of how we're supposed to do today and only today.  I absolutely adore knowing the bills will be paid on time.  It's not in my life to always experience that, but it's true that He's more interested in my spirit than my comfort.  Personally speaking, I'm partial to a sure thing.  Debt isn't very encouraging, but the lifestyle we have of depending on the Lord for every cent is faith-building to say the least.  I just wish I'd learn the lesson so we'd not have to keep repeating the same exercise.

I could probably admit to making money an idol and our children as well.  Too much emotional energy expended on both topics.  Too often I've put them both ahead of the importance of God in my life.  But I'm working on it.

Take heart.

Saturday evening

Today I went to a ladies' luncheon and it was the epitome of Southern charm.  My husband has repaired furniture for the woman who held it for about twenty years, and even last weekend we went there to help her de-thorn the roses she was providing for the altar vases.  Anyway, Gary makes jokes about reminding me how to get to her home, saying that after taking the main turn, she's the first plantation on the left.  Well, not that big, but really, her grounds spread to many acres and are just lovely. And her home---don't get me started.  Magazine gorgeous.  Victoria magazine doesn't have anything on her.

We first sat on her screened in porch and had cheese and crackers, then after about an hour went in to lunch, which was all on beautiful china with linen napkins---starting with a cold soup, next a crab salad on Boston lettuce (a personal favorite of mine), marinated asparagus, and little tomatoes (probably from her garden), and finished with lemon icebox pie.  Her daughter, who's probably about my age or so, made everything.  A savoring type of meal.

Before we ate, our hostess asked to read a poem before the blessing, and honestly, I wanted to cry. It was all so beautiful.  Just perfect.  With all the stuff we've lived through these past few months, to be treated so elegantly was overwhelming.  I told them both I felt so fussed over, which made them laugh (not knowing my personal life), but it's true.  Soothing.

Never underestimate the little touches.  I realize many of these women do this all the time, the entertaining, the fancy meals and such, but I don't.  Talk about feeling blessed.

And to top it all off, our hostess told me a story last weekend, which I asked her to retell today about meeting William Faulkner when she was in school at Ole Miss in Oxford, Mississippi.  (This had to have been back in the forties.)  He walked up the table where she and her girlfriends were having lunch in the town square, and asked to sit down with them.  They chatted just a minute, but she said this wasn't out of the ordinary.  He was well-known in the town, always dressed comfortably in a worn black long coat and slouch hat and was very willing to meet folks.  Love this sort of tale.  I do adore Faulkner's books.  Really do.

* * *

~my morning's view

And my day had already begun in a sweet way with tea and breakfast on the front porch.  I was up before need be, and with the neighbors quiet and traffic light, I was able to sit outside in my nightclothes---very freeing!  Besides, our porch is so cut off from the sidewalk with all the bushes and things Gary's planted over the years---it's sort of a hideaway.  

It's like the Lord laid His Hand over my day before I even got up.  I feel all full up.

Letting go...

[Daddy] said, "All children must look after their own upbringing."  Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.~Anne Frank

* * *

The quote above is in Michele Cushatt's book called Undone, which is probably the best book I've read all year.  She tells how she's survived a divorce, a remarrying, a blended family, cancer, adoption, and everything in-between.  But she tells it with such grace, and pain and lots of humility.  I reviewed it here.

This morning I woke up thinking, "Oh great.  The junk is still junk, and I've not been dreaming."  Then, I kid you not, the Lord said in a very quiet voice, almost a whisper, "Get on Facebook."  True story.  Well, I got my phone out, logged in and the first thing I saw on my news feed was a post by Michele about a free 7-day email challenge.  I read about it on the FB feed and signed up.  The first note came immediately to my email box and it was spot on what I needed to hear.  God knew. And to cap it off, she said she was sorry.  I know she's talking to hundreds of women (and probably a sizable number of men) about their particular pains.  The I'm sorry just cut me to the quick, though.  I so needed to hear that.  And on came the tears.

Now, the best part.  She said to write it down.  All the ugly stuff and all the pain.  I'd just been talking to the Lord last night on my swing about how I needed to get mad.  Doggone angry.  So I did.  On paper.  So relieving.  I'd not given myself permission to rail about this nonsense, have always held something back, thinking I was being unfaithful to my children.  And still, I've had trouble accepting the reality.  Surely not my kids.  Huh.  Nobody's holding them captive or for ransom.  They're willing participants.  

Gary's all eat up with this.  We just mailed a birthday card to oldest son with a giftcard in it, and I stuck in a photo of him and me when he was a month old.  Reminders of sweet times.  Gary thanked me for buying it and getting it ready for all of us to sign (even though it'll be late getting to him), and said he knew my heart wasn't in it.  Yeah, well.  You gotta do what you gotta do.  Some things are just right.

And now, life moves slowly.  But here's the thing.  Bills are getting late, money's tight, need work in the shop, but I feel so close to the Lord.  He's right beside me.  Inside of me.  All around.  Crying alongside of me.  A comfort.  He knows exactly where we are, has given authority for it to be this way....all the frustrations and hurts, but has provided rest as well.  And sometimes I get to the place where I'm alright with that.  If He says it's supposed to be this way, who am I to argue?

Yes, He's got this.

Friday

Okay, if you don't want to read about my bad mental health day, then fair enough.  You've been warned.

Today is oldest son's thirtieth birthday.  As most moms, my thoughts have been on the day he was born, and how we went with Gary's dad to dinner in Oriental, NC on the night before Jonathan was born.  We lived in New Bern back then, just for a year, and with him overdue, it was my FIL's plan to distract us (my MIL had been out of town).  Just reliving it.

And with us cleaning out closets, dressers, and what-have-you, I've run into lots of photos of the kids.  Last night I found two in particular of Jonathan, sweet little darling.  In one shot, that just pierced my heart, he's got his back to the camera and he's about five or six.  It's that little neck.  The most vulnerable part of any child.  His hands are behind his back, looking out the window, and he's wearing a red sweater and little blue (long-sleeved as he used to say) pants.  Young and vulnerable.  Before all this nonsense.

Got into bed last night---late----read and turned out the light, then couldn't get to sleep.  I was beside myself.  Went out back between one-thirty and two and just pleaded with the Lord to take away the pain.  I just couldn't bear it anymore.  Some days are better than others.  Anticipating his birthday was more than enough.

Anyway, no great revelations, but the sweet oblivion of sleep.  Escape.

I've never dreaded any of our kids' birthdays.  It's always been something to anticipate.  We've been together in some sense, even if not physically.  Last year I made him a cake, which our son who lived with him took to their apartment.  I realize he's grown, and that's not the issue, as you well know.  The separation between us and him is huge, and it's all of a spiritual nature.  We still keep in touch, though it's pretty surface.  But to know I've given birth to a child who's become so decadent is awful.  Sometimes, like last night, it's just unbearable.  There's no escape, but the desperate need for Grace.  For me and him.

I stay in God's face.  No embarrassment or hesitation in speaking up for Him.  At the end of the day, He's all there is.  But I'm so tired of crying.

A mother's re-focus

The verse for now is, "My Grace is sufficient for you."  

I know too much.  More than my husband about our sons.  Moms tend to, you know.  Stuff is worse than I could ever imagine (speaking of son and his girlfriend's business), and quite honestly, my imagination isn't very active.  I can go a certain distance and then say to myself, "Oh surely not. Please no, he can't be doing that."  I'm pretty much, a what-you-see-is-what-you-get person.  And I take folks at face value.  I end up being gullible when I should be shrewd.  But, here's the thing---the Lord has given me two spiritual gifts, ones I was made aware of ages ago.  One is the gift of healing, which I used to take to mean the laying on of hands.  In reality, it's the herbs, and I do have a God-given knack with them.  Makes me laugh.  The other gift is discernment, but only with those outside the family.  I can see through a fake instantly, almost like mind reading, as long as they're not blood.  My kids can fool me all day long.  So, when they tell me something, whether it's believable or not, I accept it.  A stranger or a friend, not for a second.

The Lord says to walk away from our boys, as I mentioned in my last post.  Pray, and don't engage on purpose.  Let them make the moves toward me, but don't initiate.  That's hard.  I tend to want to at least text when I've not heard in a few days.  The thing is---I want them more than they need me.  Yeah, I get it.  I don't yearn for too much involvement with my own mother either.

He asks me to trust Him.  Don't help except to pray.  No letters, no nothing.  I hate to see my boys entrenched in lifestyles that are so full of darkness.  But they're okay with that.  And when oldest son was here the other day---he'd not been by since he began his new job and had out-of-town training---he had a different look on his face.  He looked happy, which is no big deal, really.  He always looks happy, but there was a frenzied look about him.  Glittery.  My neighbor had the same look on her face last week when I visited her.  She's sort of too into mystical things, and had a story about this New Age/witchcraft-like herb store she went to, but it was hard to believe, at least to me.  Another story for another day.

Demons.

I just shake my head.

Now, to not give too much air-time to the prince of the air, our son who's in California is doing very, very well.  That Christian retreat where he's working is concerned for the spiritual and physical welfare of their employees as much as wanting them to be good workers.  They were taken as a group to a large non-denominational church over the state line in Oregon yesterday.  After five years in the restaurant business, and the worldly atmosphere there, he's being refreshed with other believers.  He's exactly where the Lord would have him be, and that gives me great peace.  Even though I miss him crazy-like.  Definitely a Praise the Lord situation. :)

I'll stop now.  Have more to say, but need to quit.  Y'all take care.

Tuesday afternoon

Confession:  I have too many books.  

About ten years ago, or more, I was involved in an online Classical homeschooling set of women, and we all counted our books.  Our count was over a thousand, and since then, I'm afraid the number has increased more than is sane.  I do need an intervention.

The question is whether it's worth my time and the aggravation to put some on Amazon to sell.  The details of listing things, plus having supplies to mail them off sort of puts me off.  The money would be nice, but since several of these have been free to me (review copies) I really don't need to recoup any cash.  

Our main bookcase in the living room (see side photo) is two-deep with books.  Can't even see half of what we have just right there.  Fortunately my husband is understanding, or maybe he thinks it's useless to control me.  Least I don't drink.

With our new next-door neighbors renovating, and also with second son bringing over his stuff to go into our attic before he leaves tomorrow----well, I'm into the clean-out mentality.  I'm trying to do a bit in each public room of the house (also our bedroom) to fix up.  I've been in a depressed mode for about two years and finally I'm snapping out of it.  Blame Jury Duty.  That was a big snap.  Brain re-do.  Really.

Speaking of our new neighbors----she's South of the Border in some sense.  Not sure if she's Mexican or South American.  Her accent isn't too awfully thick, and her English is very good.  The Lord spoke to me as she was first working on the house, telling me she'd be a really special friend.  Love that.  I just met her yesterday and we clicked.  You know how that is.  Instant.  Met her husband too, who seems a bit of the masculine-take charge type.  Works for me.  

Tomorrow night we'll have a dinner for soon-to-be-moving son.  Gosh, I'll miss him.  He's trying so hard to listen to what the Lord would have him do.  And the girl he's going to see in California.  He told her the other day he wasn't taking the job (which she initially told him about) solely to be near her, and that seemed to take off some pressure.  Otherwise, she'd feel responsible in a way.  In my mother's mind, I hope he doesn't settle in CA.  She's from Maryland, which is still too far from us, but her family is there.  What can I say to that?  See, I have them married already.  Don't have a clue as to how this will play.  God has it.

Today is good.  Blessedly good.

Joy, no matter

~first breakfast of the year outside with the girls

Okay.  Here we go again.  No work in the shop.  The phrase, 'Do you trust Me?' ringing in my ears.  Gary even said a few minutes ago, he's having issues with that very same word.  Manna today.  I've even got Manna for tomorrow. :)  A day ahead, which isn't Biblical, but hey, I was at the store today.  One more bag of Navy beans and I can add bacon and this and that and make dinner.  

I read something at Relevant Magazine online (followed on FB, so that's how I found it), about slowing down enough to hear the Lord.  I'm going to quote, and give credit, so maybe that'll be okay.

"God’s response to Elijah’s desperation is at odds with what we’d expect. It’s simple and straightforward:

Sleep.

Eat.

Wait.

Stop and listen.

God chooses when He speaks.

God chooses what questions to answer.

God sets the tone.

In short, God wants Elijah to slow down and seek Him. He is not responding to Elijah’s sense of urgency.

When prayer is born of urgency, we’re dictating the questions God needs to answer rather than listening for the counsel He wants to give."~Ken Wytsma

The whole article can be found here.

* * * 

Beautiful.  The advice isn't to do something more, but to stop doing things.  Keep your mitts off, which is what my husband has said to me before, but the Lord says it in a gentle God-sort-of-way.  The Lord wanted Elijah to be still.  "I got this, Elijah."

My tendency in the past has been to keep reminding God of what's happening.  Beg.  Plead.  Make myself miserable.  Sort of like the nagging wife, which is something none of us want to aspire to.  

* * *

In other news....my husband is understanding my love of Anglicanism.  Get this.  He said yesterday he understands something about the Anglicans he'd been missing.  He's said before (well, several times), that he finds the brevity of our priest's sermons (called homilies) not a learning experience like he's used to.  Most times, though, there is a sweet nugget of blessing.  You have to be open, though.  Stand tough, and you can't always hear that still, small Voice.  He's gotten his feathers ruffled a bit in comparing these homilies to the long sermons of our past church-going.  He said, and I loved this, "The Presbyterian and Baptist churches are more into teaching lessons in church, while the Anglicans are all about Worship."

Bingo.

God is working, so I'll sleep, eat, wait, stop & listen.  I'm liking this plan.

Thursday evening

Got out for a bit last night.  Gary and I went to Bible study (the book of Jonah last night...our youngest son's name as well), and the two youngest girls went too.  Had Evening Prayer, soup supper (for Lent), and then the study.  Amazing what you can get out of four short chapters.  And honestly, with us going over Hosea the other week, and now this---well, it's got the Prodigal Son written all over it for me.  I have our boys in my heart ALL THE TIME, and when certain verses jump out at me, I'm encouraged.  Like how God allowed Jonah to be swallowed up, actually commanding the fish to take him, and then also ordering the fish to spit him out.

The word is Sovereign.  Such a powerful and comforting word.  To know, really know that God is in charge of everything.  Doesn't matter what it is.  I can get tripped up on free will, but lean toward His Sovereignty being over all of it.  If He's marked you as His, you don't stand a chance.  That irresistible Grace is awesome (and yes, I'm a Calvinist, though Anglican).  I'm counting on that covenant we made with God when our babies were committed to him at their baptisms.  I have to.

Preachin's over.  Hang in there.  God wins.

And make a note of this---The Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir and Worthy is the Lamb.  Try to listen to that and keep your hands in your lap.  Bet you can't. :)

Blessings

I tell the kids that I know personally that God is Who He says He is by the work of the Holy Spirit in my life.  The internal knowledge of His touch.  The comfort I feel after a deep prayer-time.  Even this morning I had brought my tea tray back to bed, and afterward was praying---just pouring my heart out.  Just before that I'd watched this darling little sparrow in the chicken yard.  It's a fat one, very tame and just sits there and either eats the chickens' feed, or nibbles on the bread I toss out there.  Not skittish at all.  Well, after I'd prayed, I went out there again because Anastasia was fussing about having laid her egg.  She was loud, as usual.

Sadly, there was a dead sparrow in the large bowl of water we leave out for the dogs.  I was too late to save it.

I buried it, came back in and cried some more.  Told the Lord that that was the crowning moment for a pretty lousy mood.  Instantly I was reminded of the verses we all know about the sparrows.

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father.  And even the vary hairs of your head are all numbered.  So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."~Matthew 10:29-31

He could do what he wanted to with the sparrow.  They're all His.  I see it that he used one of them to bless me, even with a sacrifice.  Thankfully, we saw the tame sparrow later on, at least the girls did.  Sorry one died, but it hurt more to think it was the little fat one who I'd grown attached to.

And I was just telling Bonnie that I can feel prayers being sent up for our family.  I can feel the joy a bit once again. God is faithful.  Thank you so much.

After the rain

*Still in bed after drinking my tea.  Chickens making racket in backyard under my window, and I'm thinking they're vying for the choice spots in the hen house for egg-laying.  They can be so fussy.

*Violet the Pug had a seizure yesterday morning before Gary left for work (never happened before), but she seemed fine afterward.  He and I both had the same thought that the chicken poo she seems to relish in had a toxic effect.  Google dog seizures and poisoning ranks up at the top.  Apparently the high phosphorus content in it can be dangerous, though you can also read that dogs eat it all the time (I know, right?) and aren't affected.  We have a full-time job cleaning up after the hens, and Gary says as soon as he's able, he'll fence them in.  Violet has turned into a poo-eating Pug extraordinaire.  Makes me nervous, just the inkling in the back of my head that it'll happen again.  I was having my tea with her in my lap after Gary left for work yesterday and she was asleep and began to dream and run in her sleep.  My adrenaline went whoosh, then I realized she was fine.  Dang. the drama in this house.

*And on the heels of my uncle passing away 2 weeks ago, my aunt (his wife---my mom's sister) fell last night while out at dinner and has a brain bleed.  Seriously?

*But in the midst of all the stuff that's going on, God is still taking care of things.  His Grace washes over even the rough places, and I feel that more now than ever.  Some days feel blessed before I get up and going. Just today, and you might think this sounds silly, but the termite man was scheduled to come today. Gary was showering at about 8:15am, and I was still in bed, wondering when the guy would come.  Knew I had to get up and get dressed. Well, he came as Gary was heading out the door.  I didn't have to do a thing. I believe even that was a God-orchestrated blessing.  He knows it jazzes me not knowing when the guy will come, putting away chickens, opening gate, signing the receipt, just being available.  Not a big deal, but one thing less I have to do.  See...I get anxious about the simplest things, even the termite guy, and God knows that.  Isn't that incredible that He cares about even that?