Plainly said, this just isn't a good time to be me. There have been days in the past where I've woken up anticipating the day ahead. Not so much anymore, and I don't know of any quick way to change that. Like how folks joke with women after the baby's been born, telling them that it'll take awhile to lose the extra weight they put on during pregnancy---so it goes with depression and its bedfellows.
And you know, most folks don't want to hear this. They visit blogs to be uplifted and encouraged. Not on my agenda now, I'm afraid. And it's not that I'm feeling self-centered either. It's more that I feel that I have no or little control over how my life is actually lived. And while having eight children (all still living at home) is a stresser, though one I've grown very accustomed to and can deal with most times, the tipping point is having to look after my mom (though grateful she can still live alone).
I'm hacked off at the circumstances and am angry with myself for what appears to be a selfish attitude on my part. I'd like to say that I've risen above what's going on. That I'm a big girl and can move mountains. Huh. Failing in a big way, I'm afraid.
And I'm asked, "Why is this so hard for you?" And do you know, I can't tell you exactly why, and that's driving me nuts. Partly because I can see no end in sight. I feel trapped, and also taken advantage of.
So, if you're still with me, thanks for reading. Not trying to sound dramatic, but I can name a few situations in my life that have been milestones in terms of their difficulty. Right now ranks on up there.
