Have been doing some researching, reading and soul-searching in regards to my relationship to my mom. And I need to be realistic as I consider all of this. Am muddling over some things, but have found some answers that just. make. sense. With my mom's odd behavior of late (which if I'm honest, isn't anything new), and which I don't believe is related to any dementia or Alzheimer's sort of situation, I'm having to consider more of a mental state of mind. An unstableness that goes way back. A pattern has been set by her, and forcing myself to look at things squarely has been a pain. With a capital P. But really, a pain that's constructive, if that even makes sense. Healing always comes with a price, especially if you force yourself to deal with things.
As Gary said, I've had to make up my mind whether to try to reason with her, and attempt to heal what's severely broken, or go my separate way. I've discovered that limited contact with her is key. His conversations with her display an inability on her part to see anyone's point of view but her own. She's hard, but comes across as a victim. Believe me, she's not being victimized.
Frankly, I'm weary of always feeling guilty and for what, I have no clue. My mind goes there quick as a wink. And I think for the first time in my adult life, I'm seeing certain things clearly. And it hurts. To have a mom who's really not emotionally connected is damaging to a daughter's self-esteem. Mine has smarted for a long time. The feeling 'not good enough' has finally gotten old. And I don't want to automatically go there anymore.
That said, I'm looking forward to my August change of Internet time/responsibility for myself/play-time, etc. I did have fun unsubscribing from so many email listings. Really. It was fun. Hadn't realized how many emails I tend to delete without reading them. That takes valuable time just getting rid of unnecessary bits like that. I cut out the political ones especially, mostly because they just rile me up. And I went ahead and turned off Twitter, and Facebook will follow tomorrow. Less places to wander off to.
So, as far as my mind can see now, I'm going to pull out the paints and drawing supplies, the lovely paper I've got and will get messy. Don't have a plan, but even deciding to not have one is a plan in itself. I think I just want to rest. See, I've accumulated art supplies for ages and ages, and there they sit. But this inward insecurity has bled over into that part of my life. If I can't do it good enough, why bother. See how far a mother's influence can go? Not blaming her for everything wrong with my life, but patterns do tell their tale.
And finally, the sad thing about this whole 'mom' thing is that even as I write this, I expect someone (who, I have no idea) to tell me I've got it all wrong about her. Can't imagine any of you doing that, but still, it comes to mind. I think I've pretended I have a dear relationship with my mom for so long, I almost believed it. Or I figured everybody's mother acts this way. But there are no photos of the two of us looking at peace with one another. We never have done lunch regularly since I've gotten married. There's not that coziness so many women have with their moms. It's just not there, and she lives all of 3 miles away. My major accomplishment these past weeks has been to recognize that, and to get to a place where I'm okay with that. Honestly, I'm not okay with it, but there's nothing else to do but accept what is true.
That I can do.
