I was just reading over some blogs of friends, noting their amusing pursuits and craftiness. New jobs to maybe do, dishes to make, shows to watch and putterings in their gardens---settings to rights before anymore hard cold comes. They're living their lives.
And I'm frozen in one spot. I literally can't move in my head for wondering what the future holds. No matter where my mom ends up for care, whether it's short-term in a rehabilitation setting or here or at her house----life has made a shift. And it's all happening way too fast.
Truth. I will be the main caregiver of my mom. That's a given. My mom who I've not gotten on well with for years. Yes, we've made peace in the last few weeks, but it's not a cozy relationship. Familiar, yes. Warm and fuzzy. No. Kind of utilitarian, if that even makes sense.
The therapists went on and on about how they enjoy working with my mom, and how sweet she is and what a beautiful smile she always shows them. Yes. All true. But there are still flashes of the mom who is harsh and unyielding and I shudder to have that presence in our house all the time, or to be witness to it in her house.
A few days ago, a friend of my mom's from church--same age, had the identical stroke and died. Bam. Over and done. And while I'm very grateful that we've made peace, I wonder about timing. That sudden way of dying sure is cleaner, but when God's not finished with somebody, He's Just. Not. Finished.
I sit here in the sun in our bedroom and wonder what the next few weeks hold. What does the Lord have for us to do in this? Who is He molding me to be? What's my role? Why does it have to be so hard, and why do I angst so?
