Friday before Dinner

Went out with my three girls today.  Three girls.  I still stand amazed that the Lord gave us that many.  Especially since we had a record of four boys between oldest daughter and the birth of middle girl.  I have no sisters,  so they're a huge blessing, partly on that account. 

We went shopping... I had an old Yankee Candle gift card, and got a couple of votives.  Peach cobbler and Marshmallow Chicks.  Warm vanilla scents, both of them.  Got lunch at McDonald's, popped in Joann's, Lifeway, and Barnes and Noble.  Pretty darn perfect afternoon.  Not taxing,  but with it being sunny outside, very refreshing.  We all needed it.

Now we're expecting snow.  Really?  So will make brownies in a minute,  and put together some spaghetti for dinner.  Living in a Manna fashion,  while Gary's work begins to pick up again. 

His mercies are new everyday.  Truly. 

Thursday evening

Got out for a bit last night.  Gary and I went to Bible study (the book of Jonah last night...our youngest son's name as well), and the two youngest girls went too.  Had Evening Prayer, soup supper (for Lent), and then the study.  Amazing what you can get out of four short chapters.  And honestly, with us going over Hosea the other week, and now this---well, it's got the Prodigal Son written all over it for me.  I have our boys in my heart ALL THE TIME, and when certain verses jump out at me, I'm encouraged.  Like how God allowed Jonah to be swallowed up, actually commanding the fish to take him, and then also ordering the fish to spit him out.

The word is Sovereign.  Such a powerful and comforting word.  To know, really know that God is in charge of everything.  Doesn't matter what it is.  I can get tripped up on free will, but lean toward His Sovereignty being over all of it.  If He's marked you as His, you don't stand a chance.  That irresistible Grace is awesome (and yes, I'm a Calvinist, though Anglican).  I'm counting on that covenant we made with God when our babies were committed to him at their baptisms.  I have to.

Preachin's over.  Hang in there.  God wins.

And make a note of this---The Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir and Worthy is the Lamb.  Try to listen to that and keep your hands in your lap.  Bet you can't. :)

Late Tuesday

Got a text from my new 'secret' daughter-in-law this morning, asking me about a box of tea I'd given her and our son for Christmas.  Had tucked some incense and mugs in the bag as well.  She thanked me for all of it, and ended the conversation with 'And I hope we hear from each other more often.'  Making headway in healing a relationship that started out on the wrong foot, and I'm kind of excited about it.  Making progress.  All of us.  And she is pretty cool.  We've just all got to learn to trust one another again.

Had a nice day.  Ice finally melted, so the steps outside aren't suicidal. Took my time doing stuff, which means I'd do a task, then sit down for awhile.  Seems necessary to my rest, and appears to be working.  And turning off my head.  I recommend it.  Got Mom's groceries bought and delivered too.  That was my limit.  Home to get in bed for a bit afterwards, before starting dinner.

Funny thing...while the kids and I were at T*arget, getting things for Mom, there were several women shopping who were just running themselves ragged.  You could tell they were trying to get finished so they could go on to the next thing.  You could just tell.  Hyper-energized.  Wanted to pull them aside and tell them it's not worth it.  It'll catch up with you one way or another.

Now I'm hooked into Spotify and listening to Dan Fogelberg.  A favorite from way back. :)  And, yes, I saw him in concert when I was in college...love the way he looked.  Perfect.  Still remember it.  I'll point out men I used to (still) think were handsome, and my girls always say they have too much hair, etc.  I think not.  I mean, look at him.  Wouldn't change a thing.

Listening to a CD released in 2009 after his death at 56 from prostate cancer way back in 2007.  Hadn't ever listened to it before.  It's called Love in Time, and the title cut is sweeeet.

Enough from me.  Remember to take some time.

Perspective

Eggs from Madelyn and Nora,  our Easter-eggers. Beautiful greens.  Milk and Anastasia lay light browns.  Funny thing,  we can tell which specific egg comes from each chicken.  The colors are that different. :)

Yes Virginia, it IS Adrenal Fatigue

Well, after extensive reading, lots of varied symptoms and more fatigue than I can shake a stick at, I've come to the educated conclusion that, yes indeed, I'm suffering from Adrenal Fatigue (Kim, you hit the nail on the head.).  A young woman at church was diagnosed with the same thing back in the fall, and her doctor told her to quit her job (she's a school teacher) and go home to her parents out of town for awhile.  She did.  Not sure what her situation is now, but she's not been in church for ages and ages.

 I've read more than is healthy (which was necessary to narrow down things), taken my pulse-- just sit here watching my heartbeat in my wrist---thump-----thump-----thump, scratched my head and worried up a storm.  All sorts of things came to mind.  Here's what's consistent:  Low pulse, but it goes up after eating a good meal.  Proteins make me feel much better.  Mild headaches, low temperature (but I tend to go that way anyhow), and a heavy exhaustion that hits me in the afternoon.  It, pretty much, leaves after dinner.  Evenings are best for me.

It all began on Friday after the Wednesday when I talked on the phone with oldest son and his girlfriend, followed by coffee with just-married son.  Too much information.  That Friday night I got hit with a migraine that (with medication quick-like) never hit hard.  I did have the problem of the tiredness afterwards for days, however.

The fatigue never left. And the kicker was the stuff with fourth son about 3 weeks ago.  The stuff hit the fan then.  Over the top.  Adrenaline overload.  All gone.

Now I'm supplementing with CoQ10 since my heart seems a bit compromised.  Also Ashwaghanda and Hawthorne Berry in two separate tinctures I made.  Cayenne and garlic, also for my heart.  B12, Magnesium at night with my Calcium and D.  Iron during the day, along with a multi-vitamin. And walking on the treadmill, but can only handle five minutes at a time.  See, told you I was tired.

And lots of quiet.  No drama.  No heavy thinking.  And so thankful the kids are being wonderful about keeping up with their schoolwork.  They're not behind...the real miracle.  

The way I figure it, my system has been running on high since, and even before, my mom's stroke in November of 2013.  Just 15 months ago.  During that time, just-married son got into stuff and then joined the Guard.  He was gone for about 6 months, then came home and raised Cain.  Shortly followed by Cain-raising by oldest son and the latest with 4th son.  Who wouldn't be sick?

On Saturday, the kids and I went to the grocery store, and were gone about an hour. Not a big deal.  Halfway through, though, I was so tired.  Just stood there leaning on the cart.  Couldn't get done soon enough.  Got home, and Gary asked if I wanted to go out with him for a bit.  I had to pass.  Just couldn't.  One outing is my limit.  And I'm realizing that, and that's fine.

Here's to healing. Good to put a name to it.  I suspected Kim was right, but had to cross out a couple of possibilities first.  Not CFS or a thyroid condition, plus it all makes sense.  Pleasant to have an excuse to NOT do stuff.  I'm so tired of stuff.

Sunday afternoon

"Heavy thoughts bring on physical maladies; when the soul is oppressed so is the body."~Martin Luther 

Oldest daughter took the kids to church this morning, telling me to stay home and rest.  Such a good idea, and it was sweet to be spoiled.  And before Gary got up, I had my quiet time alone in the living room, Pugs in my lap and Romeo at my feet.  Candle lit, cozy time.  Read the Daily Office from my phone, which isn't my first choice, but with Pugs in my lap, getting up and spilling them onto the floor wasn't a nice option.  And my Book of Common Prayer was across the room.

Found some peace inside with prayer.  I was reminded by the Lord that the choices of my mother and our sons have been their choices.  My mom's involves her inability to do things that, with diligent exercise, she could otherwise accomplish.  Laziness.  I'm not trying to be heartless either, but she's sort of mulish about not wanting to make the effort to at least try.  And according to my oldest brother, she's making noises to him when he visits about her driving again.  News to me.  Considering she goes nowhere around the house without her walker, that's a bit odd.  I'll let them go at it. He says he'll take her out when it gets warmer, have her get behind the wheel and see the difficulty.  Now, that's some tough love.

As for our sons, as I remembered from days past with another rebellious (now-married) son---nobody's holding a gun to anyone's head.  They're exercising their free will and are making choices for their own lives, though foolhardy, that are completely their own.  My dilemma is keeping my mental mitts off.  I continue to feel that they're being controlled by someone else and are miserable in their lives.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  And everyone involved is 21 or older, so legally, they're free agents.

I want a goal.  Something that sets my focus inwardly and not at what's playing out here.  Some folks do a photo-a-day and set that as something to look forward to on a daily basis.  I'm not really a photography person, so not sure if that's what I want to do.  But I'm thinking on it.

Have loaded Instagram on my phone, and reopened my account.  Maybe that'll be my way to do this.  I follow some folks, always enjoy their pictures, and one by Tif Fussell (Dottie Angel) had up today just got to me.  It's not anything out of the ordinary, but there was something about it that clicked.  She's standing there holding up an afghan she'd made, looking sweet as always, but it brought tears to my eyes.  I was reminded of her own struggles.  Seems she's had issues with depression and other health concerns that have been hidden, but long-standing.  Life.  Anyway, seeing her there, plowing ahead nonetheless was so inspiring.  I felt like I could try to beat this sadness and frustration, along with this intense fatigue that hits mid-afternoon.

Just today.  That's all I have to do.

'A Fifty-Year Silence' by Miranda Richmond Mouillot

Every time I read a book regarding the World War II era, I'm stunned by the strength of those who survived it.  My own father fought at the Battle of the Bulge, and I'd give anything if I'd drilled him for more information on it while he was living.  Miranda Mouillot had the courage to do just that in researching her grandparents' lives during the early/middle part of the 1900's.  I admire her hard work.

There were hidden aspects of her grandparents' meeting and marriage, and it took Miranda years to get to the truths that explained a marriage that quickly broke up.  And the weight of her grandfather's work as an interpreter at the Nuremburg trials colored much of it.  Who can really know of the distrust and fear of the people who lived in the most trying period of modern day life?  

I so appreciated reading about Miranda's unusual (for me) family, the home her grandmother had bought in France where Miranda felt such a connection, and her visits with her strangely obsessive grandfather.  The book is rich.  And like me you might wish you'd interviewed your own ancestors as thoroughly as she did hers.  No regrets.  The book is a beautiful tribute.

(i received this book free to review from bloggingforbooks)

'Rise' by Trip Lee

What stands out the most in Trip Lee's book called Rise:  Get Up and Live in God's Great Story, is his sincerity.  He tells about his upbringing, his family life, going to Bible college, and threads it all through with his belief in Jesus Christ.  And while he makes no point in being perfect, he's a young man who's tried to always seek God's best for his life.  That might sound too precious, and it's not meant to.

Our fifteen-year old daughter read the book before me, and while I was a bit shocked at his forthright way of talking, especially in terms of sex, our daughter said she agreed with everything he said in the book.  She was impressed, and really, she's part of the crowd he's reaching out to---the ones who haven't been ruined yet by the world, and have, pretty much, a clean Christian slate.  He encourages folks to stay pure, to avoid the peer pressure that's so damning, and to stay the course.  Pure encouragement.

That said, our 25 year old son wants to read it next.  Lee covers a gamut of topics that will appeal to a host of readers, black and white, from all backgrounds.  

I'd like to see how Lee would write this book in ten years time, when some of his perkiness has worn down a bit.  His enthusiasm is attractive to most, but some mellowing will come, making him even more of a draw.

(i received this book free to review from booklookbloggers)

Ready to rumble...

Tired of feeling victimized by our children.  Waking up dizzy and exhausted and this after a full night's sleep.  Really, the springboard for my feelings just now is concern for my health.  I'm so incredibly addled.  I truly can't think straight.  I know it's the stress of the messes our boys have put us through, here lately, but now I've had enough.  I'm just plain angry.

I wrote them tonight and sent the emails, praying all the while, saying what was on my heart.  Needed to take some sort of authority, because their actions have ruled my life for the past few weeks.  Enough.

Misery isn't where I want to spend my life.  I have MY life to live, and if they're determined to live in the darkness, I can't stop them, but I can stop it ruining my days.  Hard for a mom, but with God's help, should be attainable.

Haven't felt crisp in my head in about a month.  I've done some reading, and anxiety and stress are big contributors to dizziness.  Who knew?   

One day.  Just one day.  With God's help, I can manage that, I do believe.  Got to keep kicking those evil spirits out the door, though.  I'm riling the little creeps by speaking out. Obviously, tomorrow will be an incense/mark the doors with hyssop sort of day.  Yeah, ready to rumble...

Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world.

The girls

The side photo is my reality, well the reality I prefer. :)  Milk was sitting in my lap this afternoon, then Nora hopped up.  She didn't seem content to sit in my lap, though, and got on top of Milk's back and ended on my shoulder.  I have no idea what she was thinking.  Likely she didn't either.  They're not real bright, which might be why I love them so.  No heavy thinking coming from a chicken.  My girls.  Like yoga in the chicken yard.  Such contented creatures. 

Gary'd been out there digging worms for them, and grabbed his phone to snap some photos. Today it was about sixty, and tonight they're saying it'll make it to the teens, or maybe just the twenties.  Nuts.  Getting spoiled today with the warm sun.  Maybe it'll be the last blast before we hit consistent milder days.  The daffodils are coming up too, but they'll brave the freeze, I'm sure.

Hope you've had a good Valentine's.  I took the least one out for lunch, then we met up the two older girls for grocery shopping.  Oldest daughter is baking fancy brownies now for our treat.  We ate by candle light, and dressed up the table.  That's what you're supposed to do on Valentine's Day, you know.  And Gary made me eat on the heart-shaped plate.   

Now we rest.  Time to turn off brains and read.  It's definitely time.

Delete, delete, delete

A person I used to know, who moved away a few years ago, sent me a Facebook message tonight.  We're not FB friends, and she left unhappy with me when she did move.  Long story you don't need to know.  Anyway, we've not talked in several years.  No need.  And she's in Florida, so we don't cross paths.

Except our son who just left our home (I deleted posts tonight, so only those of you who have read what he's into will understand when I refer to him) used to house-sit and dog-sit for her when she lived in our neighborhood.  They became good friends, and he did lots of things for her.  It worked out for everyone.

Well, now she's messaging me out of the blue.  Wanting to pick my brain about our son, I'm sure.  She has a mutual friend who our son works with.  We're the wreck before the ambulance arrives.  That crowd creeps in, wanting to see how much blood has been lost.  I've not talked to this woman in ages and ages and now she wants to visit?

No.

~ ~ ~

Middle daughter very wisely said that when the nest leaves, the wasps go with it.  Our house is cleaner in a spiritual sense.  Messy in a human sense as we get our land legs again.

Hardest part?  Finding joy in the midst of this experience.  To care to vacuum the carpet, and put out flowers when my heart is absolutely wrenched in my chest.  To not allow the shadow of our sons' lives to shadow my own life.   

I need my babies to get right with the Lord.  And I do know He's holding onto them.  I take comfort in that.  And, btw, son in above photo (who recently eloped) is doing very, very well.  He's the one who I say is most like his dad.  He has my heart. :)

Must. Have. Quiet.

And on the heels of the previous post, I'm still trying to take it easy.  Sat outside in the backyard this morning with the sun shining over me.  Pug the Daisy in my lap.  Her fur got nice and warm. Breathing deeply and trying to turn off my head.  

Last night, bought as a splurge a copy of BellaGrace, a new magazine by Stampington, which is gorgeousness in itself.  Muted colors, very calming.   Expensive, but lovely.  Good thing it only comes out 4 times a year.  I can save up, and in the meantime dog-ear this one up, write in it, follow the prompts.  Glue and color in it.  Nice thick paper makes that a happy project.

Truth is, I'm overwrought in a big way. Went out dinner with my main squeeze last night and had to pace myself.  Seems I'm continually on the verge of a panic attack, or something.  Not quite sure what to call it.  One dear friend said my adrenal glands might be in distress.  Very likely.  I think I'm spent.  Too much worry, unexpected news, frustration, and lack of ability to do a darn thing about any of it.  The helplessness has been a factor.  Life has been spinning out of control (all child-related), and I've been standing in one place watching things sort of fall down around me.  A tad debilitating.

This weekend will spell R E S T for me.  Someone else is doing the altar flowers, and I have no plans nowhere.  Possibly will go to the hippie store tomorrow for tea and elderberries.  Maybe buy myself some lunch out.  Flowers would be nice.  Not to eat, but to put on the table. Treat myself like someone special.  

Then home to nap for a bit, then take the girls to the store for some groceries.  Minimal stress.

I verge on catatonic when I'm still.  Gosh, I'm drained.  The least bit of raised voices or aggravating tones sets my nerves to shivering.  Yes, I think R E S T is the ticket.  

Ready, set, go.  But slowly.

Pressing on...

"If the attacks are intensifying, then we are making the enemy nervous.  We need to take heart from that thought."

"While we must be aware of the enemy's schemes, do not let your full concentration be on him.  Do not give him more power than he has."~unknown

These quotes are perfect for me at this very moment.  The thing is, I can't remember where I found them---I'd jotted them on a pad of paper, but neglected to write down the author.  Christa Parrish's Still Life, maybe? I'm wondering since hers is an e-book, and I couldn't figure out how to underline in it on my phone Kindle app.  Maybe I wrote them down, intending on putting them in my journal?  I have no clue.

With this receding migraine, not so much pain, but the muzzy-headedness, and a faint bruise in my head, I can't seem to remember stuff.  I was trying to listen to my mom's bank balance on the phone today, and for the life of me, couldn't figure out what had been paid out and what her remaining amount was.  Just didn't make a lick of sense to me.

I put it to stress.  

You all sustain me.  And for that, I'm eternally grateful.  No condemnation for the pickle our child has gotten himself into (to put it mildly), but love.  I stand in awe of your friendship.  Women standing in the gap.  

For now, I'm making vegetable soup for dinner and middle daughter is mixing up cornbread.  Oldest daughter found a recipe for a Lemon Poppyseed cake in the Moosewood Cookbook for afters.  Tea and cake.  A comfort.