Wednesday afternoon

Lights flickering again yesterday, and in a bad way.  It stopped a week or so ago, and we just let our concerns go with it.  My husband had bought a new fuse box, but not installed it yet.  Anyway, I went out back to look at the main electrical line from the pole and it was swinging a bit.  Came back in, tried to focus on other things (since, quite frankly, this has terrified me), and the lights began to flicker once more.  Went back outside, swinging line again and squirrel glaring at me from the next door neighbor's garage.  An aha moment.

Husband called the utility company, they came out last night and found the line connecting to the house had a corroded part and some loose wires.  

Such deep relief.  Never occurred to us that it was an outside problem.

With this anxiety I've grown accustomed to, the least thing (this wasn't least in my book) makes me so nervous.  Even out with the kids today, daughter's car seemed to make a funny noise, I'm thinking flat tire, but it was only the back window, which was open, taking in some air.  Windy too, so that was easily explained.  Still, it freaked me out.  And I'm usually so calm, at least seemingly so on the outside.  

When life keeps throwing you curveballs, it's easy to become overly sensitive to the smallest situation.

Reading A Year to Clear by Stephanie Bennett Vogt and she asks in the lesson today a question something like this:  What situation gets under your skin, and what can you do to unplug from it?  My main driving-me-nuts situation is our oldest son's relationship and living arrangement with his p*rn star girlfriend.  It obsesses me and travels in my head all the time.  I can't live like this anymore.  

So, Advent New Year's resolution is to focus on not focusing on my children.  For a mom, this is a major undertaking.  Otherwise I'll go flamin' crazy.  Not an option.

Shaking my fur like a dog

Begging your pardon for not writing much these days.  The words just don't seem to come right now. Nothing going on, just quiet.  I think my brain's tired.  :)

Have been thinking about procrastination and how I have three pieces of fabric to make into skirts for me. Bought two of them the week before the stuff hit the fan here back in January.  I have a thick book of herbal teaching I've set aside.  Honestly, my children's antics have affected my ability to do what I love.  Trying to change that.

Shake out the cloth, gather up thread, and dust off the machine.  Be creative once again.

Put my herbalist's notebook on the work table with my collection of other herbal books.  Begin making tinctures again.  

* * *

I realize some folks are sick and tired of me being sick and tired.  Me too.  But when the enthusiasm wanes, it's tough to do things out of the ordinary.  We get into survival skills, and forget what brings us joy.  

Made my husband laugh tonight.  I told him how I have a tendency to see every event in the most tragic sense all. the. time.  He just shook his head, but to give him credit, it made him laugh.  He's driving me nuts right now.  I have headphones on, and he keeps telling me things, waving his hands to get my attention.  Be quiet, man!

* * *

Great quote from my Faulkner:  "Miss Jenny, being a true optimist---that is, expecting the worst at all times and so being daily agreeably surprised..."

I so understand that.  Is that a mother's dilemma, or am I just odd?  I live in expectation of calamity, and do you know how exhausting that is?

Hope to get back in the swing of things here.  We'll see.  Surely life is more beautiful than I allow it.  Think I'll focus on that and stop looking at each day as a catastrophe waiting to happen.  Anybody else struggle with this?

(listening to Mat Kearney's Air I Breathe and tobyMac's Til the Day I Die)

Short post

Reading Deidra Rigg's book called Every Little Thing to review.  A life-changer for me.  All about releasing yourself to the Lord, knowing He's holding on even when life seems unbearable.  He is sufficient.

 And listening to tobyMac's song Til the Day I Die.

Will post more about this book, with quotes that jump out at me, but it's late now.  It'll have to wait.  Not meaning to possibly sound cryptic.  Nothing's new, just always life to swim through.  And until my wayward children surrender to the Creator, this is the way of it.  For now I pray and work on my own acceptance of all the stuff.  Yeah, it's, pretty much, a daily exercise.

But through it all, I raise my hands and praise His Name.  Truly.

Take care.

Wednesday morning

Woke up again feeling rested inside.  Supposed to begin to rain sometime soon.  It'll be cool enough this weekend to turn off the a/c as well.  Looking forward to that.  Rain always soothes my spirit.

And let me just say.  Making the decision to not color my hair anymore is a game changer.  One less thing on the to-do list.  Deciding to let it go.  Seeing the grey and not shying away from it is a bit empowering.  Not hiding who I am, and let me tell you, this grey isn't shy.  For me, there's been too much to do for too long a time.  Not doing a thing is amazing.  A year ago I wouldn't have entertained this for a second, but just having my husband pester me about avoiding chemicals on my hair got me to thinking.  I'm a bit excited about this new journey.

* * *

He and I had a wonderful conversation last night about stuff.  Being emotionally hi-jacked.  Said we'd maybe begin to respond a bit more enthusiastically to nonsense.  Bring out the no answer a bit quicker.  Feel less victimized.  Tuck into humor.  Maybe resort to, "You have got to be kidding," as a common reaction, rather than shock, which sort of gives the dark side a bit of an advantage.  Might work.  See the incredulous expressions on our waywards when they come up with topics our wee minds aren't prepared to deal with.  

Live our lives and not our children's.  Can I hear an Amen?

* * *

Must get out later.  Buy dry-erase markers for school, get ingredients for favorite dinner of visiting second son (Taco Soup), and deliver my mom's groceries we got on Monday night.  Cleaning up her house a bit.  Nothing too strenuous.

Today is good.  Cloudy.  A tad cooler, but not enough for windows up yet.  Rest.  Recovery.  Sounds perfect.

Saturday morning

Tea in bed.  Window up.  Children sleeping in.  Dark skies.  Gentle rain.  Deep breaths.  No stress today.  At least, that's my plan.

Just had a sweet conversation with my mom just now regarding the wedding.  Threw some thoughts her way, drinking in her wisdom.  I realize it's tough for her, with the stroke, being on the outskirts of whatever's going on.  She used to be a doer, now has to be a watcher.  Not easy.  So, we talked about the rehearsal dinner and such, which was good for both of us.

But overall, I'm taking today off from planning anything.  Nothing more I can do or buy until I talk to the rehearsal dinner hostess tomorrow night.  Spoke to our groom about hauling tables from our church to the hostess' house.  He says he's probably got some guy friends who can help.  That would be huge.  We'll see.

Anyway, will buy altar flowers later on, and maybe stop in the Mediterranean shop for some loose tea.  A treat, since we've been using plain old Lipton teabags, which are fine, but I'm spoiled---so enjoy the making of tea when it's from a tin of loose tea.  An event.  A ritual.

Simple pleasures, which have been too few and far between for me.

Reading Like Water for Chocolate, which is perfect for today.  Had snapped it up at the library used bookstore for a buck awhile back and hadn't begun reading it until this morning.  Very restful, so far.

I need to take care of myself for today.  This-coming week is the last full week before wedding week.  Pace myself.  Do only what's necessary.  Don't take on any pressure that's not mine.  You know, stress seems to be like a sickness.  Stay around a person who's running their self ragged (thinking of the bride) and you follow suit.  I can't and won't.  Adrenal fatigue.  My body keeps reminding me of my limitations, which can be a blessing.  Otherwise I'd be over-busy.  Not necessary.  Will have a healing weekend, then let the nonsense commence.

This is the day the Lord hath made.  Let us rejoice and be glad in it.  

Moving right along...sort of

Three trips to the DMV, still no van title in the making.  Family of owners of it having to send for death certificate.  Funny how the mistake of one person, the girl who hit my husband's Suburban totaling it, has caused a long trail of involvement by other persons.  Thankfully we have a car tag to fasten on the vehicle temporarily, even though it's not the correct one, but it does belong to us.

So, for me at least, today is a rest day.  Dinner made with whatever's in the freezer.  Mom's not wanting her groceries, so they'll just sit here until maybe tomorrow.  Going to vacuum, using the new one we got on clearance last night.  Taking a much-needed quiet day.

Got so bothered by life in general yesterday, and today is for healing.  After the DMV nonsense, involving some mis-information, we're just tired and fed up.  Ready for something to happen in our lives that points to some smooth sailin'.  Just doesn't seem to be in our job description here lately.

But until that occurs, it's important for me to shake myself, keep my face on the Lord, and not allow disappointment shatter me or define my day.  One day at a time.  Certainly.

The week's beginning

Glad to be at this end of the day.  Seems we were busy with trying to tag the van (more papers needed, yet to get) and buying Mom's groceries and I had a rocky night's sleep besides after beginning to read one of my review books.  Lots of creepy stuff in it (like old Frank Peretti books) and being that I've been living on the bedrock of unpleasantness for so long, well, it was unsettling.  Going to get back to reading my Faulkner before bed.  Always a good idea.  

Rarely do I desire to change my routine.  Rituals are so wonderful.  And funny thing is, the best part of today was a few minutes, get this, when I brought my little jade plant up from the bedroom and looked for a place to put it in the kitchen.  It's been in my bedroom window and in the late afternoon it's been so hot on that side of the house (because of our neighbors cutting down most of their trees), and the little plant has been dropping leaves.  Burning up.  I stood there in front of the sink, looking for a saucer to set it on, and it took all my attention to the extent that my spirit settled right down.

Isn't that the oddest thing?  Sometimes just quiet and concentration brings peace.  Focusing on a tiny thing, even a little jade.  Re-potting small plants always calms me down.  Or pruning the flowers on the porch.  

I get interrupted a lot.  Always have.  Called being a mom.  Maybe getting out my needlework would be a good idea.  That's always brought down my blood pressure, I know for a fact.  

Have to keep my spirits up and turned towards the Lord.  Considering we're working against the evil one in a battle for our sons, pays to be on top of our game.  The little suckers are always listening...and yeah, I mean you.  As I've said before, God wins.  All of it.

(on Spotify it's Shawn McDonald singing We Are Brave)

Saturday night

Have been paying attention to my negative physical reactions to certain things---things that stress me and such.  Some things will cause my heart to pound, or my breath to tighten up and be shallow.  I never knew before here lately, that I could identify things like that.  Learn what to avoid.  Amazing.  Have always allowed Life to just happen, and then I'd react either with or against it.

No more, or let's just say I'm working on it.

Sometimes it's a conversation with a neighbor or a child.  A news topic, or my mom's life.  And while I can't become a hermit and just disappear, which is an appealing, non-viable option at times, I can learn to manage in better ways.

* * *

I love the van.  So happy to say that.  The stains on the carpet came up and the outside washed a treat.  Now, I realize everyone won't understand our angst this week.  Put it up to a family (that would be us) who have been beat up enough and the smallest thing can send us into spasms.  Getting the van, spending money we didn't want to have to spend, troubles with the title....all frustrating.  Enough about that.

Tomorrow is Sunday, a fresh new day and week.  Yes.  We'll go the DMV on Monday morning to get the title situation straightened out and hope to get new tags.  And you know what I crave to experience in the midst of all of this?  To feel the Lord's presence so clearly right by my side, and to lean.  Just lean.

* * *

I'm reading to review Sarah Mae's newest book called Longing for Paris and she has a list of questions at the back.  Number one is: Are there any areas of your life that you don't feel you can trust God with fully?  And the fourth one is: What is your greatest fear in handing over every area of your life to Him?

Gulp.  That's my response.  Gulp.

You might have a handle on those sorts of questions, but I don't.  

Try this one.  Number fourteen is:  Do you have a dream or a longing in your soul?

I look at the questions, look at the ceiling and have no clue.  Absolutely no clue.  But I'm willing to think on it.  I will answer them, but it may take awhile.

(music to listen to on Spotify....Dan Bremnes' songs Born Again, Beautiful and Where the Light Is.  The CD is called Where the Light Is)

Monday noon

Last night in bed I began reading, yet another, Faulkner book.  This one is Absalom, Absalom! and by some is said to be his masterpiece.  Had to laugh at the length of his sentences.  The first page is two sentences long---drawn out and full.  Almost poetic how he uses his words.  Words I've never heard before, full of vowels and promise.  

Just had my tea and have been relaxing in bed.  It's almost noon and figured a rest would be a good way to begin the week.  Oldest daughter asked if anything was hanging fire this week, and I told her no.  Actually, we'll get the van (probably on Wednesday), and possibly Gary will be able to get something to replace the Suburban.  I'm praying it can all come about before the weekend.  He's been scouting out Craigslist and, as anyone knows who's shopped there, every day is filled with possibilities.

Anyway, glad to begin a new week.  Getting recovered in a mental way from the accident, which was 2 weeks ago today.  Thankful Gary isn't having anymore back pain.  Always lots happening.

I'll wash the sheets and hang them out, shop for Mom and we'll get her house clean, then I'll feel I can tackle my own nest here.  Like getting her done early and can set her aside in my head.

An ordinary few days will be a treat.  Rain supposedly coming too.  And I figure if we can survive the heat today (yesterday's heat index was 111F.), then lower nineties will feel almost cool.  Yeah, go ahead and laugh.

* * *

Got a text last night from someone who's a friend of son-who's-in-California, with a couple of photos of the beach (and our son) in Oregon where they've taken the retreat staff for a break.  He's sitting on a rock with lots of fog, looking at the water.  He's never seen the ocean before.  I remember my first time, when we went before our wedding to spend Christmas with Gary's folks.  Drove non-stop from here to Maryland.  He took me to Atlantic beach and I remember the sound of the waves before we walked over the dunes.  Never expected it to be so loud.  I cried.  Our son looks a bit awestruck in the picture, which reminded me of my experience.  God seems so enormous at the beach, if you let Him.

The chickens are making chickeny sounds, so might go sit out with them before the heat becomes overwhelming. Already 91F and sunny.  Will take them some cold, chopped up lettuce and lend encouraging words.

May it Rest In Pieces

Gary had only been gone for about 15 minutes going to work when he called me up.  The photo says it all.  Driving through an intersection, a young girl tried to turn ahead of him.  Poor Suburban, and her Hyundai as well.  Being a 1989, our Suburban's days were numbered, but gosh, what a great truck.  Hot-sounding engine as well.  A wonderful rumble, but no more.  Thankfully nobody was hurt.  A bit sore, but nothing else.

The girl was so sweet, and was crying when I got there.  And we were the ones to take her to a friend's house.  How often does that happen?  She told Gary she was glad he didn't yell at her.  Could've just as easy been one of our kids.  Yell?  Uh, no.

Praying now for a replacement, of course.  A rental for a bit.  God's hand on her situation too.  Funny thing, she and I have a mutual friend on Facebook.  Yeah, I looked.

We're a one-vehicle couple anyhow, so while we'll not likely look for another Suburban (terrible gas mileage), we need room for us and the three youngest ones.  Prayers appreciated. :)

A nice, warm Tuesday afternoon

~rowan oak

Oldest daughter asked me this morning if I wanted to drive down to Oxford on Saturday.  Sounds like a peaceful way to spend the day.  Plus, the weather should be in our favor.  And it only takes under an hour and a half to get there.  Easy to do.  So enjoyed Wm. Faulkner's beautiful property when we went before.  Deep breaths.  This time, I want to go inside.  At a very affordable 5 bucks, should be do-able.  Might have to read one of his books before we go.  A refresher course.

Just to be somewhere different will be nice.  And the next two weeks are full.  On the 18th Gary is participating in an Art Walk in our church's neighborhood.  He's been building things, polishing and getting things ready.  Made a sign, thinking about how to decorate and we'll pray for much success.  There will be other woodworkers, jewelry makers, painters, sculptures...and who knows what else.  The next day is the least one's 13th birthday, and the last weekend will be full with oldest daughter going to a Jewish wedding (which will be a first experience of that sort).  Being that this is all true, this is the only weekend we'll be able to go for awhile.  And second son will be leaving the first of May sometime.  

~some of my woodboy's spoons for sale

Gosh.  Stop the train, will you?

Know what?  I'm learning to enjoy life even when part of it stinks.  (Has that been a hard, life-long lesson, or what?)  And some of my kids do stink.  My husband?  One darn scrumptious man.  And others of my children bless me and are also trying to keep their heads out of water.  I love them all, but as I once said about one child when he was a toddler---I didn't always like him, but always loved him.  

Just trying to tend to what's in front of me.  No headache today.  Doing the necessary, which will include fetching Mom's groceries later.  We'll deliver them later in the week.  Too taxing to do it all in one day---found that out the hard way.  Emotional exhaustion.  My mental health thanks me when I don't press.  I'll surely fail tomorrow, but today is good.  Right this very minute.

Second son brought over two partially-used gallons of paint from his apartment.  Might paint one wall in the living room.  Something exciting, or just different.  His colors are oceany, watery colors.  Soothing.  But sort of punchy.  We'll see.

Enjoy the day.

Joy, no matter

~first breakfast of the year outside with the girls

Okay.  Here we go again.  No work in the shop.  The phrase, 'Do you trust Me?' ringing in my ears.  Gary even said a few minutes ago, he's having issues with that very same word.  Manna today.  I've even got Manna for tomorrow. :)  A day ahead, which isn't Biblical, but hey, I was at the store today.  One more bag of Navy beans and I can add bacon and this and that and make dinner.  

I read something at Relevant Magazine online (followed on FB, so that's how I found it), about slowing down enough to hear the Lord.  I'm going to quote, and give credit, so maybe that'll be okay.

"God’s response to Elijah’s desperation is at odds with what we’d expect. It’s simple and straightforward:

Sleep.

Eat.

Wait.

Stop and listen.

God chooses when He speaks.

God chooses what questions to answer.

God sets the tone.

In short, God wants Elijah to slow down and seek Him. He is not responding to Elijah’s sense of urgency.

When prayer is born of urgency, we’re dictating the questions God needs to answer rather than listening for the counsel He wants to give."~Ken Wytsma

The whole article can be found here.

* * * 

Beautiful.  The advice isn't to do something more, but to stop doing things.  Keep your mitts off, which is what my husband has said to me before, but the Lord says it in a gentle God-sort-of-way.  The Lord wanted Elijah to be still.  "I got this, Elijah."

My tendency in the past has been to keep reminding God of what's happening.  Beg.  Plead.  Make myself miserable.  Sort of like the nagging wife, which is something none of us want to aspire to.  

* * *

In other news....my husband is understanding my love of Anglicanism.  Get this.  He said yesterday he understands something about the Anglicans he'd been missing.  He's said before (well, several times), that he finds the brevity of our priest's sermons (called homilies) not a learning experience like he's used to.  Most times, though, there is a sweet nugget of blessing.  You have to be open, though.  Stand tough, and you can't always hear that still, small Voice.  He's gotten his feathers ruffled a bit in comparing these homilies to the long sermons of our past church-going.  He said, and I loved this, "The Presbyterian and Baptist churches are more into teaching lessons in church, while the Anglicans are all about Worship."

Bingo.

God is working, so I'll sleep, eat, wait, stop & listen.  I'm liking this plan.

Saturday

Fourth son came by this morning to pick up youngest son for a shopping spree.  Really, just lunch and small trips here and there.  Guess that qualifies as a spree.  I'd not seen this son in over a week, and even when I saw him again this afternoon at the grocery store (an unplanned, though happy, surprise), I found myself staring at him.  Wondering if he's eating right (he tends to thinness) and if he's happy inside.  He looks gobsmacked.  I told Gary he looks like someone pulled the rug out from under him and he can't quite figure out what happened.  Well, that's sort of what DID happen.  But, sadly he pulled the rug out from under himself.  And when he told Gary a few weeks ago about his lifestyle, his dad said to him, "Are you sure you want to go this way?  Are you sure?"

Oh my.

At Bible study on Wednesday, the teacher on the video for Isaiah mentioned us laying things out before God, asking for His intervention---especially when we can't do a thing.  Powerlessness.  I feel that way a lot.  Mentioned how sometimes we pull together our bills that we can't pay, including mortgages and all the twiddly bits of life at God's feet and ask Him to cause a miracle to happen.  But it's never a miracle with Him.  Just business as usual.  We tend to think all these bad things require some outlandish involvement from the Lord.  He's seen it before----for centuries.  I'm glad the Bible is full of blessed misfits.  Makes me feel better for our houseful.

In searching for another header photo, I was looking on my phone.  Saw the Christmas photos we'd taken, and with zooming in, can see how sad and lost our children look.  All but a couple of them.  Middle daughter is now suffering consistently from migraines---I believe stress-related.  The least one is still herself, but a more sober version.  And these are children.  Children.  It shouldn't be this way.  Their brothers, who they love dearly, have messed with their joy.

Spring Break.

A time to breathe, rest, take time to refresh.  Put things in perspective.  Get enough sleep to make the waking up parts happier.  Lightheartedness.  I want me some.  Grounding.  Walking barefooted in the front yard on the prickly brown grass.  And praying all the while for the redemption of our dear children.

Boom

And sometimes things sort of need to hit the fan.  Stuff it down long enough and don't pay attention to the need for quiet and time alone.  Let the house get into a state of unlovelyness.  Have interrupted sleep.  Allow guilt to take hold.  Forget to make a set time to pray daily.  Listen to too much noise.  Endure too many cloudy days.  

The cure...

Explode.  Well, a little bit.  Anger can be healing, and in this case it was.

Clean out the refrigerator of leftovers you maybe didn't realize were left over.  Wipe down counters and get out the bleach.  Fix something you can fix while other things are unfixable.

Hug someone you love to bits.  Get into bed and rest.  Listen to a few songs by Mumford & Sons (I Will Wait).  Who can be sad listening to a banjo?

Late Tuesday

Got a text from my new 'secret' daughter-in-law this morning, asking me about a box of tea I'd given her and our son for Christmas.  Had tucked some incense and mugs in the bag as well.  She thanked me for all of it, and ended the conversation with 'And I hope we hear from each other more often.'  Making headway in healing a relationship that started out on the wrong foot, and I'm kind of excited about it.  Making progress.  All of us.  And she is pretty cool.  We've just all got to learn to trust one another again.

Had a nice day.  Ice finally melted, so the steps outside aren't suicidal. Took my time doing stuff, which means I'd do a task, then sit down for awhile.  Seems necessary to my rest, and appears to be working.  And turning off my head.  I recommend it.  Got Mom's groceries bought and delivered too.  That was my limit.  Home to get in bed for a bit afterwards, before starting dinner.

Funny thing...while the kids and I were at T*arget, getting things for Mom, there were several women shopping who were just running themselves ragged.  You could tell they were trying to get finished so they could go on to the next thing.  You could just tell.  Hyper-energized.  Wanted to pull them aside and tell them it's not worth it.  It'll catch up with you one way or another.

Now I'm hooked into Spotify and listening to Dan Fogelberg.  A favorite from way back. :)  And, yes, I saw him in concert when I was in college...love the way he looked.  Perfect.  Still remember it.  I'll point out men I used to (still) think were handsome, and my girls always say they have too much hair, etc.  I think not.  I mean, look at him.  Wouldn't change a thing.

Listening to a CD released in 2009 after his death at 56 from prostate cancer way back in 2007.  Hadn't ever listened to it before.  It's called Love in Time, and the title cut is sweeeet.

Enough from me.  Remember to take some time.

The girls

The side photo is my reality, well the reality I prefer. :)  Milk was sitting in my lap this afternoon, then Nora hopped up.  She didn't seem content to sit in my lap, though, and got on top of Milk's back and ended on my shoulder.  I have no idea what she was thinking.  Likely she didn't either.  They're not real bright, which might be why I love them so.  No heavy thinking coming from a chicken.  My girls.  Like yoga in the chicken yard.  Such contented creatures. 

Gary'd been out there digging worms for them, and grabbed his phone to snap some photos. Today it was about sixty, and tonight they're saying it'll make it to the teens, or maybe just the twenties.  Nuts.  Getting spoiled today with the warm sun.  Maybe it'll be the last blast before we hit consistent milder days.  The daffodils are coming up too, but they'll brave the freeze, I'm sure.

Hope you've had a good Valentine's.  I took the least one out for lunch, then we met up the two older girls for grocery shopping.  Oldest daughter is baking fancy brownies now for our treat.  We ate by candle light, and dressed up the table.  That's what you're supposed to do on Valentine's Day, you know.  And Gary made me eat on the heart-shaped plate.   

Now we rest.  Time to turn off brains and read.  It's definitely time.

Thursday

The best part of today was military son texting me, asking if I could give him a ride to work.  Last week I'd mailed him a letter getting mildly mushy (and following the Lord's nudging in writing it) and telling him I wanted to look ahead with our relationship---explaining my passion in how I've reacted to his lifestyle (and his oldest brother's), and how hard it is to see them living contrary to how we raised them.  But, that I still wanted them to come by, not to feel uncomfortable in being here, but that we stand by our standards.  All stuff he knows, but I wanted his fiance to be given the chance to read it too.  She wasn't raised the same, but she's not heard any of this from us, only what he's told her.  I stressed that I want him to be part of US.  We need each other.

And while tough love has its place, I'm more into just plain old love instead.  I'm tired of all the grief, and just want us to pull together.  Don't want to have to continually second-guess myself, asking if I'm being firm enough.  If you could've seen the two girls in the backseat of the Suburban with him while we were driving, you'd agree that I've made the right choice. At one point the least one had her head in this son's lap and he was playing with her hair.  Then they got to horsing around and tickling each other. Can't put a price on that.  I know he's missed us.  Sure know we've missed him.  (Brings tears to my eyes to re-read this.)

Family, you know.  Can't beat that.

He knows we disapprove, but to me, that doesn't mean you totally isolate him.  I realize some would disagree, believing that the isolation will cause a yearning.  Can't say as I'm convinced.

For a mom, that is the hardest to contemplate.  Wanting to reach out in love, and being prevented from that.  No.  Glad Gary's understanding of how I feel.  He's tough, though.  Probably a good thing.

Now looking forward to a weekend off.  My mom's all set with groceries until Tuesday.  Gary's birthday is Monday, and the weekend is totally free from obligations.  I'm sort of giddy about it.

Sunday evening

I was reading at an herbal site earlier about the uses for the violet tincture I've made, and the main herbalist there was talking about how stress can land in unexpected places in our bodies. Then that got me to thinking about Joseph coming home next week (insert hallelujahs), and I realized how tense I've been for so long.

It's been tough 'round these parts. For a mom especially, least that's what I'm telling folks. Or rather, what's being told me. When you hear time after time how someone can't understand how I can bear our son being gone to boot camp/extra training, makes me wonder how far into the ground my head's been stuck. Yes, I'm tense. But relief is in view now. Hallelujah squared.

Anyway. Violet tincture is good for heart pangs of the emotional sort. Have taken it several times today.

And am reading a wonderful used book I came on quite by accident, if there is such a thing, at an Indie bookstore the other night. It's by Sue Monk Kidd and is called 'Firstlight'....highly recommend. I've underlined in almost the whole book so far. High praise, huh?

Gonna rest now. Got some more vanilla tea yesterday at the hippie store. Time to chill.

A full but sweet Sunday

Raining like the flood tonight.  Ice expected, but praying that it won't turn into that, at least not to the magnitude the forecasters like to imagine.  But you know, I can't do anything about it, so might as well just pray for safety over us and ours, and let God be God.

Up early, but not intentionally.  Fed wildlife, had my tea, went to church, taught Sunday School, came home and ate lunch, went with 3 youngest of my offspring to see Mom, had to stop at store on the way home.  We do fill our days.  She was in high spirits---probably partly her anti-depressant being given to her again and the excitement of going home next week.  And she will go to HER home.  I think we'll give it a try, with back-up anyhow.  Have to try.

I going to let it go, remember this is her life and not mine.  My own keeps me busy enough as it is.  I can help her, but can't live it for her.  Can I have that in writing, please?

Must go now.  Tired clear to my bones, but feeling peaceful inside.  Just getting to the place where I have the okay from Gary to support the idea of her not coming here is a relief.  And I was sort of craving a blessing.