Sometimes I figure that nobody really wants to listen to me (and that may be very true), but it doesn't change the fact that maybe somebody should. Just this week, a friend/neighbor asked me how I was doing---said she'd been worried about me---maybe I've seemed off my game, don't know, but she asked and said to vent to her if I wanted to. Well, I didn't vent (this was all in email), but shared with her about Patricia's passing and how my grieving talent has been overused of late. Short note, to the point, and that's all I said. Hope I didn't say too much, but that's really rarely the case. There is still a big void sitting next to me with Patricia's name on it and I can hear my voice echo inside it. I'm not advancing too quickly, but don't think that I should. Sometimes I get the impression that we're meant to 'get on with it' though, but am afraid that's not what's working for me. And don't you sometimes feel that folks ask how you are as more of a habit, than a true interest? Speed seems to be the norm, and to stick around for what may be a long-winded response rarely fits into anyone's schedule anymore.
Oldest daughter has shared about being asked how she is, her responding specifically, and the other person launching into their own particular issue after she's begun to answer them. She'll say, "Are you really interested, or what?" But only in her head.
There's something so freeing about a person asking 'how you are' and really hanging around for the answer. Or for someone to show concern and let you know that they want to get their teeth into your feeling better.
Mothers who care for a large family seem to get treated like they have all the answers, I guess because they/we juggle so many balls. And we become very talented at disguising our true feelings, probably because there's always an audience. And kids don't like to see their parents feel low. That's a fact.
This is where blogging comes in. A place to just chatter away, giving readers the opportunity to come and go, but giving me a place to say what's really on my mind. I don't dress it up or put a sweet spin on it. It's just living, plain and simple. The pretty and the not-so-pretty. Guess I just like it real.
