I'm in bed taking a rest. Curtain open to the sunshine. The chickens are clucking and making noise outside our room. Every so often they peck at the house's siding, hopping up and trying to get fuzz or whatever they see stuck to the wood. Can't be much there in the midst of winter. Peck, peck, peck. But they're happy with it sunny outside. I took them a spent bowl of chopped up lettuce earlier and enjoyed having the sun warm my hair while they munched.
My heart has been going hippity-hop for the past 24 hours, I think except for when I've slept. The beats go irregular when I'm stressed. A bit of a sodden mess. Anxiety. Sending our son off tomorrow is proving a bit more challenging than I first expected. I think I'm tough, then prove that I'm not. He's at drill here in town now, and was yesterday as well. Today they do sprints, push-ups and the stuff that beginning soldiers do. Tomorrow he'll be able to experience a plane ride for the first time. Now, that's exciting. Gary is reminding me that this isn't torture for our son, but a new adventure---one he took on himself. He did have the option to not join the Guard. Have to keep that in mind. I keep thinking he's being made to do all this, maybe in my mind having the thought of 'why in the world' would anyone walk into this situation willingly? But it'll be okay. I just have to get my head around it. The Guard sure beats the other branches of the military, hands down, as far as I'm concerned. I mean, he will be back home before summer. But when he told me the other day how much he'll miss being home---what mother could resist that?
Mothering. Sometimes it's more than I can bear. If I'd think of it along the lines of him going off to college, maybe I wouldn't be such a mess. First child off like this, though, makes a difference. But the two older boys moving across town to an apartment doesn't hold a candle to this. It is a big deal.
