I'd really like to know what it is in a person's life/past that causes them always to take the blame for things. That's a real problem I consistently deal with---being presented with a situation and taking on the responsibility for it not working out. All the time. Heck, it could be something I don't have anything whatsoever to do with, but I figure I'm guilty.
Yesterday, oldest daughter had her day off and she drove me and the three youngest ones to the library. We had a great time getting huge piles of books, but while I knew I had a fine to pay, she didn't know she had one. She mentioned it as we walked to her car afterward, sounding surprised that she had to pay $5.00. I admit, that IS a lot. Coincidentally, just about what I owed. Anyway, automatically I thought it was because she'd checked out books for me in the past. In the past, like a couple of months ago. Now, consider, she's used her card since then, and my books had long been returned. It couldn't have been my fault, but I immediately thought so.
And my mom's bank account is lower than she likes. Truth is she's had two months of property taxes to pay, and my brother who sends her money hasn't sent any recently. Her Social Security is her only income, and while it's low, she can live on it---that is, unless she has consecutive high bills. Added to that is a $400.00 bill with the a/c going out a month ago. But today when she mentioned wanting to move money from her reverse mortgage account, I felt guilty. Like I've messed up on paying her bills or buying her groceries. It's my fault (or so my brain says). Nevermind the fact that she's had more than $600.00 extra needing to go out.
Is this common? Anyone else haunted by this nonsense? So hard to shake. Sort of egotistical, but in reverse. Gary gets so frustrated with me, of how difficult it is for me to do things for myself. He'll say he's crazy about me---why can't I feel the same for myself?
Poor self-esteem on steroids. It's like I have to justify accepting pleasure in all its forms. I even struggled today with buying a Mrs. Meyer's candle in the new Christmas Clove/Orange scent. Did I deserve it? Middle daughter says, "Oh Mom. Buy the candle. It's only a candle!"
Glad our kids don't suffer with this. It torments me. Seems I've been listening long-term to the Deceiver. Lord have mercy. Truly.
