Les Miserables

Went to the library bookstore today, which has grown to be my favorite bookstore in town.  Lovely.  It's set up so beautifully, they always play wonderful music,  and the selection of books truly is amazing, and rarely does anything cost more than $3, excepting the rare books collection, or like, sets of encyclopedias.

So, imagine my surprise when I was able to get the hardback Modern Library edition of Les Miserables for three dollars.  Had already begun it on my Kindle, but prefer paper.  Am on page 111 and in love. 

But this could take awhile....it's longer even than Middlemarch. Only 1,260 pages with this one.  Only. 

Just trying to elevate my wee brain a bit. 

This and that

So I do actually pray in the swing at night after dark.  I face the house, and can, from time to time see my people in the windows.  Squeak, squeak...off I go.  (All the best swings are noisy, it seems.)  And with both houses on either side of us vacant, it's nice to be making racket and nobody caring.  There are advantages to having empty houses about...never thought I'd say that.

 Sometimes swing time is the only quiet I get in a given day.  Interruptions are the norm.  Morning tea before everyone gets moving is my other time, if I get up early enough.  I tend to not be an early riser, though.

I'm craving that time tonight.  My nerves are frayed.  Days at my mom's house tend to break my heart.  She's so grateful for everything we do for her.  Her needs are simple, but her gratitude pains me.  

The least one called her this morning, to make sure she needed help, and to ask what she needed at the store, and to check if she wanted to bathe.  When she hung up, the least one said it was like talking to a different grandmother, and this isn't the first time she's said this.  Said my mom sounded so sweet, which we're still getting used to, even after almost a year since her stroke.  Sadly, my mom has a former reputation for harshness and snippiness, many times to my girls.  That's gone now, which is wonderful, but at what price?

Tomorrow the girls and I will go to Michael's for middle daughter to spend her dog-sitting money for a Smash book with the 50% off coupon I have on my phone.  And she wants to get a pair of jeans at the thrift store as well.  And oldest daughter is treating all of us to lunch out.  Much needed, all of it.

I don't have sisters, but 3 girls who enjoy having me about.  How's that for a blessing?

Stuff in my head

~not recommending

Taking it easy this week with our Fall Break, and I'm finally feeling the benefit of it.  Does take some time before the rest seeps into a person.  And part of delightfulness of this week is that oldest daughter is taking a vacation at home.  After the boyfriend break-up she needs the quiet---I think we all do.  She says she still feels 'odd' but also admitted that if somebody told her she'd have to go back to him, she'd run screaming from the room.  I think we all realize that the last straw was the situation with the rings.  For her to go off him so suddenly it's apparent that this had been piling up for some time. Many small things added up to a lopsided relationship.  

~ ~ ~

And I have a new book to read, well, new for me.  This one will make my GoodReads 50 books in a year quota complete, but I'll go over.  I'm such a glutton.  I'd seen this book (different cover than what I got at the library) before but hadn't been interested since it's by a foreign author.  Just didn't speak to me then, but the first few pages are beautiful.  You know how some books enthrall you right away---you read a few bits and go putter and then pick it up again, and you feel so alive.  That's what this book is doing to me.  So hope it sticks.  The title is The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon.  Lovely.

UPDATE on following day:  You'd think I'd learn to not post on a book I'm reading until I'm actually finished with it.  The one mentioned here began well enough---really loved it, in fact.  And was curious as to how it'd turn out since youngest son had been eyeing it.  Wish the author hadn't had to tuck in a s*x scene, though.  Can't in good conscience pass it on to our son and say, "Hey,  enjoy reading it!"  Happens more often than not.  Just not necessary.  And it was getting so good, a bit wordy, but still appealing.  

~ ~ ~

And I made some herbal goodness last night.  One was the Elderberry brew I simmered before dinner---elderberries, cloves, ginger and honey was added after it'd cooled.  Very simple to make.  I got 3 pints in the fridge now, and it'll keep for about three months.  If I add the kick of vodka or brandy for some of it, it'll last a bit more, but don't want to play that trick on my husband, who is a necessary tee-totaler.

Also made a mixture for a bit of calm for me.  I did pull together my Passion Flower, Catnip, Motherwort, Hops, and Lemon Balm.  It all added up to about 1-1/2 cups of dry herbs and I covered them with a bit of water and the rest in vodka.  Put it outside so the eclipse of the moon could shine on it.  Magical.  I know, you think I'm nuts.  I like to pretend I'm a fairy.  Shades of Tolkien.  All I lack is a wand.

~ ~ ~

Listening to Owl City's newest song done with Britt Nicole called You're Not Alone. A joy to hear.  Our kids buy the best music.

  ~ ~ ~

Nothing hanging fire tomorrow.  Love that.  Going to go outside in a minute to swing.  Pray over our kids, my husband's work and protection for all of us.  I love them so, the whole messy lot of them.

Monday afternoon

Since public school kids are off for Fall Break this week, I figured we'd do likewise.  Our children don't need the time off, but I do.  Figure my mental health could use a breather.

We'll do my mom's running around after Gary comes home.  I can't borrow the kids' cars that have a stick shift since my left knee is still acting strange.  I end up limping when I have to drive manually, and will wait until Gary's home with the Suburban.  

I sort of want to get her chores over with anyway.  With a week off, it'll be nice to feel that her needs are met (bed changed, bathrooms cleaned, vacuuming, mopping, etc.) so the rest of the week feels smooth and easy.

Had a moment over the weekend realizing that if I don't begin to chill out, I'll pay for it later.  My physical and mental selves need tending to.  And I figure when life feels so ridgedly (is that a word?) overwhelming, then something has to change.  My brothers aren't going to 'have a clue' as to our mom's care, and while our kids are amazing to help, I have to realize that it's us being the main carers and should stop imagining it otherwise.  From time to time Mom has a more than normal lucid moment and will apologize for me having to do her banking/bill paying, etc.  I always shush her, saying it's no big deal, but honestly, it is a big deal.  It's exhausting to plan her expenses, muddle through unexpected costs she's got to cover, and always leave a certain amount in her bank.  The alternative is....well, there is no alternative.  And don't get me started on having stamps all the time.  See, it's never anything big, but lots of little things that weigh me down.

Caregivers, even when they don't live with the elderly parent, are easily tired out.  You catch yourself saying it won't happen to you, but it does before you know it.

~ ~ ~

As my brain whirs, am planning on after today, putting up some Elderberry syrup for the cold months.  Bought 4 oz. of dried berries on Saturday, and have some raw honey, and the recipe is non-alcoholic, so my main squeeze can use it.  I treated us with my Elderberry tincture over the weekend for a cold second son caught, and everyone's fine.  Only youngest son showed signs of getting it, but after a few doses, we're all okay.  Love this stuff.   Will make a calming tincture as well---got some Passion Flower I'll mix with some other herbs---maybe Lemon Balm, Hops, Scullcap and whatever else sounds restful, but doesn't make me sleepy.   

You know, when you get into a pattern of 'always busyness' it's a stretch to find that quiet place again.  There are days when my insides feel all restful and non-static, but it's rare.  I have to make a concerted effort to make it happen.  That's my goal after today.  That silence of the spirit.  Hard won, but so worth it.

Oh my...

...just re-read what I wrote earlier today, especially about my mom.  Didn't mean to sound so harsh.  Gary caught me off guard last night, making a comment about me sounding a bit on edge.  Probably could've substituted 'snarky' but he didn't.  He was sweet about it, but it's interesting to be told you sound one way when your head says something totally different.  Odd.

So, in retaliation I began talking overly adorable, causing him to pretend to gag.  Yeah, he's always good for a laugh.

About to have a thunderstorm here, and we'll be graced with cooler temperatures for the weekend as a result.  Wonderful.

And the two younger girls want to paint the bathroom tomorrow.  More good stuff.  Second son bought paint for his apartment, got one can he didn't like, so brought it over here.  It's a medium teal sort of color and very intense.  Our bathroom is currently an obnoxious Pepto-Bismol pink, not a color I intended when we painted it, but we slapped it on anyhow.  I do hate it.  The girls want to use the teal, so I'll let them.  Let's call it Arts and Crafts Day.  I already took a brush to one of the bathroom walls, to see how it looked.  Beats the pink.  Gary walked in there, walked out frowning and I could see his face changing as he looked over at me.  He was getting ready to say something about how the teal was a bit much, but bit his lip.  Yeah, we'll go for it.

Fridays.  Now that we're not committed to doing my mom's grocery shopping then, I think I'll be happier.  And you know...when mama's happy...

'Tables in the Wilderness' by Preston Yancey

The first phrase that comes to mind in reading Preston Yancey's book Tables in the Wilderness is 'stream of consciousness.'  He spends the majority of the book talking about being broken and not finding his way in his Christian beliefs.  Truly, he's like a majority of young people who are attempting to pay homage to their upbringing, and at the same time decide if that's how they want to live their own adulthood.  And as his friend, Sam, says---Preston's not broken, though he continues to insist that he is.  Really, he's just seeking.  Claiming brokenness all the time might be more of a self-indulgent attention-getter, but my experience is that when you feel that way, you really feel that way.  You don't mean to come across as a martyr, though those who hear your grumbles might believe  you sound that way.

It is refreshing.  To read about a person's internal struggle with an honest attitude feels good to me.  He's not a know-it-all, though he is smug at times.  He has a poetic gift for getting his point across, but is angsty through most of his storytelling.  He seems in mental anguish, though that might sound extreme.  

His focus is on God's presence having left him.  That's he's out in the world on his own, drifting without any direction.  He seems to be looking for sure signs of what he's supposed to do, and only later in the book feels confident to make smart decisions after struggling through prayer.  To act no matter.

I believe that any honest Christian could relate to what Preston has experienced---what he's been open enough to share.  And happily, he does end the book on an upbeat note.  He breaks out into the light again.  Took all of his college years, but he does get there.

(i received this book free to review from booklookbloggers)

A new leaf

There have been a few times in my adult life where I've been smacked upside the head with exhaustion.  True exhaustion.  The sort you read about in the newspapers that is suffered by actors.  You hear that so and so has been admitted to whichever hospital and is diagnosed as suffering with exhaustion brought on by back-to-back movie productions.

Okay, so my life is different, and my stresses are not the same, but still, I'm so worn out.  I realized when we got back from the store runs and the visit with my mom on Monday night that I was overdone.  Figured that doing her shopping once a week would be a plus, and it is, but it's not enough long-term to solve anything.  Add to this the fact that Mom was being a princess about wearing her support knee-highs for her badly swelling ankles and feet.  She didn't want to.  And she's begun wearing her disposable underthings all the time, rather than only at night which I recommended.  She's not incontinent, but (sorry to say) just lazy.  And she was giving me minor grief about her bills, which are getting paid, she's just not in charge of them anymore.  Some spirit from her is good, but not when I'm very busy.  Enough already.  Her previous narcissistic tendencies (which have all but disappeared since her stroke) are resurfacing at times.  Not appreciated, let me tell you.

So, I came home from her house mentally and physically done in.  And I'm still that way, but making small changes (doesn't that sound nice?) to allow for some self-control.

Saying 'no' is a healthy thing to do.  I'm learning.

The thing about this tiredness, though, is that you have to allow yourself to be tired and weak.  I think we're conditioned to keep on, keeping on.  We don't stop and so constant activity becomes the norm.  I don't want to be that way.  And it's not easy to convince your mom that you're, pretty much, taking care of all of her needs by yourself with the kids, and our children are priceless.  My brothers don't have a clue, but are glad somebody's holding the ball.  My family has been dumped on.  Guess somebody has to be the dumpee, but sharing the responsibility would be nice.  Dream on.

I'm going to set down the ball for the weekend.  Mom's got food.  Youngest son will spend tomorrow with her (oldest daughter dropping him off/picking him up), and on Saturday oldest daughter and I will go out to lunch.  Rest.  A change of pace.  Refreshment.  It's a first step in some changes.  Wish me luck.