There have been a few times in my adult life where I've been smacked upside the head with exhaustion. True exhaustion. The sort you read about in the newspapers that is suffered by actors. You hear that so and so has been admitted to whichever hospital and is diagnosed as suffering with exhaustion brought on by back-to-back movie productions.
Okay, so my life is different, and my stresses are not the same, but still, I'm so worn out. I realized when we got back from the store runs and the visit with my mom on Monday night that I was overdone. Figured that doing her shopping once a week would be a plus, and it is, but it's not enough long-term to solve anything. Add to this the fact that Mom was being a princess about wearing her support knee-highs for her badly swelling ankles and feet. She didn't want to. And she's begun wearing her disposable underthings all the time, rather than only at night which I recommended. She's not incontinent, but (sorry to say) just lazy. And she was giving me minor grief about her bills, which are getting paid, she's just not in charge of them anymore. Some spirit from her is good, but not when I'm very busy. Enough already. Her previous narcissistic tendencies (which have all but disappeared since her stroke) are resurfacing at times. Not appreciated, let me tell you.
So, I came home from her house mentally and physically done in. And I'm still that way, but making small changes (doesn't that sound nice?) to allow for some self-control.
Saying 'no' is a healthy thing to do. I'm learning.
The thing about this tiredness, though, is that you have to allow yourself to be tired and weak. I think we're conditioned to keep on, keeping on. We don't stop and so constant activity becomes the norm. I don't want to be that way. And it's not easy to convince your mom that you're, pretty much, taking care of all of her needs by yourself with the kids, and our children are priceless. My brothers don't have a clue, but are glad somebody's holding the ball. My family has been dumped on. Guess somebody has to be the dumpee, but sharing the responsibility would be nice. Dream on.
I'm going to set down the ball for the weekend. Mom's got food. Youngest son will spend tomorrow with her (oldest daughter dropping him off/picking him up), and on Saturday oldest daughter and I will go out to lunch. Rest. A change of pace. Refreshment. It's a first step in some changes. Wish me luck.
