Since public school kids are off for Fall Break this week, I figured we'd do likewise. Our children don't need the time off, but I do. Figure my mental health could use a breather.
We'll do my mom's running around after Gary comes home. I can't borrow the kids' cars that have a stick shift since my left knee is still acting strange. I end up limping when I have to drive manually, and will wait until Gary's home with the Suburban.
I sort of want to get her chores over with anyway. With a week off, it'll be nice to feel that her needs are met (bed changed, bathrooms cleaned, vacuuming, mopping, etc.) so the rest of the week feels smooth and easy.
Had a moment over the weekend realizing that if I don't begin to chill out, I'll pay for it later. My physical and mental selves need tending to. And I figure when life feels so ridgedly (is that a word?) overwhelming, then something has to change. My brothers aren't going to 'have a clue' as to our mom's care, and while our kids are amazing to help, I have to realize that it's us being the main carers and should stop imagining it otherwise. From time to time Mom has a more than normal lucid moment and will apologize for me having to do her banking/bill paying, etc. I always shush her, saying it's no big deal, but honestly, it is a big deal. It's exhausting to plan her expenses, muddle through unexpected costs she's got to cover, and always leave a certain amount in her bank. The alternative is....well, there is no alternative. And don't get me started on having stamps all the time. See, it's never anything big, but lots of little things that weigh me down.
Caregivers, even when they don't live with the elderly parent, are easily tired out. You catch yourself saying it won't happen to you, but it does before you know it.
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As my brain whirs, am planning on after today, putting up some Elderberry syrup for the cold months. Bought 4 oz. of dried berries on Saturday, and have some raw honey, and the recipe is non-alcoholic, so my main squeeze can use it. I treated us with my Elderberry tincture over the weekend for a cold second son caught, and everyone's fine. Only youngest son showed signs of getting it, but after a few doses, we're all okay. Love this stuff. Will make a calming tincture as well---got some Passion Flower I'll mix with some other herbs---maybe Lemon Balm, Hops, Scullcap and whatever else sounds restful, but doesn't make me sleepy.
You know, when you get into a pattern of 'always busyness' it's a stretch to find that quiet place again. There are days when my insides feel all restful and non-static, but it's rare. I have to make a concerted effort to make it happen. That's my goal after today. That silence of the spirit. Hard won, but so worth it.
