For August...

In honor of T.S. Eliot's poetry called Four Quartets, which I've yet to read, but aim to buy shortly,  I'm setting about for August to have A Quartet of Things.  Daily, or mostly daily (no personal pressure to apply the idea too legalistically) I'll write about the following:

1.  One creative thing
2.  One thing I'm thankful for
3.  One think I'm praying about that day
4.  One beautiful thing (could be a painting, poem, story, photograph, recipe, etc.  The list could be endless)

If anyone wants to join me, then please do.  Would love the company.

Fresh starts

Have been doing some researching, reading and soul-searching in regards to my relationship to my mom. And I need to be realistic as I consider all of this.  Am muddling over some things, but have found some answers that just. make. sense. With my mom's odd behavior of late (which if I'm honest, isn't anything new), and which I don't believe is related to any dementia or Alzheimer's sort of situation, I'm having to consider more of a mental state of mind.  An unstableness that goes way back.  A pattern has been set by her, and forcing myself to look at things squarely has been a pain.  With a capital P.  But really, a pain that's constructive, if that even makes sense.  Healing always comes with a price, especially if you force yourself to deal with things.

As Gary said, I've had to make up my mind whether to try to reason with her, and attempt to heal what's severely broken, or go my separate way. I've discovered that limited contact with her is key.  His conversations with her display an inability on her part to see anyone's point of view but her own.  She's hard, but comes across as a victim.  Believe me, she's not being victimized.

Frankly, I'm weary of always feeling guilty and for what, I have no clue.  My mind goes there quick as a wink.  And I think for the first time in my adult life, I'm seeing certain things clearly.  And it hurts.  To have a mom who's really not emotionally connected is damaging to a daughter's self-esteem. Mine has smarted for a long time.  The feeling 'not good enough' has finally gotten old.  And I don't want to automatically go there anymore.

That said, I'm looking forward to my August change of Internet time/responsibility for myself/play-time, etc. I did have fun unsubscribing from so many email listings.  Really.  It was fun.  Hadn't realized how many emails I tend to delete without reading them.  That takes valuable time just getting rid of unnecessary bits like that.  I cut out the political ones especially, mostly because they just rile me up.  And I went ahead and turned off Twitter, and Facebook will follow tomorrow.  Less places to wander off to.

So, as far as my mind can see now, I'm going to pull out the paints and drawing supplies, the lovely paper I've got and will get messy.  Don't have a plan, but even deciding to not have one is a plan in itself.  I think I just want to rest.  See, I've accumulated art supplies for ages and ages, and there they sit.  But this inward insecurity has bled over into that part of my life.  If I can't do it good enough, why bother.  See how far a mother's influence can go?  Not blaming her for everything wrong with my life, but patterns do tell their tale.

And finally, the sad thing about this whole 'mom' thing is that even as I write this, I expect someone (who, I have no idea) to tell me I've got it all wrong about her.  Can't imagine any of you doing that, but still, it comes to mind. I think I've pretended I have a dear relationship with my mom for so long, I almost believed it.  Or I figured everybody's mother acts this way. But there are no photos of the two of us looking at peace with one another. We never have done lunch regularly since I've gotten married.  There's not that coziness so many women have with their moms.  It's just not there, and she lives all of 3 miles away.  My major accomplishment these past weeks has been to recognize that, and to get to a place where I'm okay with that. Honestly, I'm not okay with it, but there's nothing else to do but accept what is true.

That I can do.

'Jesus, My Father, the CIA, and Me' by Ian Morgan Cron

After reading Ian Morgan Cron's book called Chasing Francis, I knew I'd be open to, pretty much, anything else he had to offer.  Happily, I wasn't disappointed.  The thing is, though, this book called Jesus, My Father, the CIA, and Me isn't an easy read.  If you think the sweet cover photo of the child (Cron himself) is an indication of a joyful story, think again.  He shares about growing up in a dysfunctional family on the inside that appeared all glitter and light on the outside.  His folks were very popular with the IN crowd, knew lots of famous folks and his dad in later life dropped the names of well-known people into conversations that caused Cron to wonder what the real story happened to be.  He thought they were average, but the truth was that his dad had cover jobs all the while moving inside the CIA.  But the story isn't about that, but about the child's confusion in growing up.  The truth was constantly masked and while his mom did her best to hold the family together, his dad did little or nothing to hold up his end.

The real story, or the absence of a story and a confusing childhood drove Cron into heavy drinking and drug use.  Coping skills.

The ending is winning however.  Even with all the author has been through, he comes out on top.  Very inspiring.  Of course the Lord gets all the credit, which is as it should be.

(i received this book free to review from booksneeze/thomas nelson)

A busy Saturday

Posted on my Twitter feed and also on Facebook that I'll be shutting those down for the month of August. Temporary and not forever.  Just a change, a lightening of my online traveling.  It's so easy to get caught up in reading, browsing and wasting time.  Fine if you have time to use that way, but with one more month of summer before we begin school Labor Day week, I want to use the month wisely.

One person I follow online via email has a photo thing going on during August.  She doesn't blog with words that month, but just with a set agenda of photographs.  She gives one-word prompts and folks take a picture to line up with the topic that day.  Sounds cool if you're into photography, which I'm not, so am thinking of something along the same lines, but more me-oriented.

Not having much luck figuring it out.  Would like to do something special, though.  Figure I've got until next week to come up with a plan.  Nothing too strenuous, mind.

Anyway, had a good time with the least one today.  We went to the nearby thrift store, among other things, which is a 1/2 off one, so it's a nice surprise when we check out.  Already inexpensive things are even more delightful.  We found her a dress and a belt, while I got two books (did I need more books?)---copies of ones I've read and loved.  Kate Morton's The Forgotten Garden and Sarah Addison Allen's Garden Spells. Have read both a couple of times from the library, and for a total price of just over six bucks for all items, I'm happy.

Picked up a book at the library too...one I had on hold, which is Katrina Kenison's Magical Journey--An Apprenticeship in Contentment.  We'll see how that flies.

And while we're on the subject of books, T. S. Eliot's Four Quartets keeps popping up in my line of vision, and it's odd, but the library here has plenty of commentary books about it, but not the actual copy.  Strange, that. Might have to buy it.  Poetry can be a comfort, but as I said earlier, do I need more books?  Along the same lines---not sure where I read about this, but Evelyn Waugh's Brideshead Revisited is also a recommendation.  Could be from reading Thomas Howard that they came up.  Just thinking out loud. The Waugh I can get at the library.  I almost enjoy the challenge when a book is hard to find.  Fortunately the Eliot is all over Amazon, and at a penny, so not at all hard to find there.

My goodness, I'm a chatterbox.

Lastly,  proud of the flowers we got for the altar tomorrow.  I caught myself over-thinking the process, being a bit OCD about it, then realized, heck, I'll be doing this EVERY Saturday, best make it fun and not a burden. Buying flowers---probably one of my very favorite things, and with someone else paying the bill, what could be more perfect?

Guess that's it for now.  You know it all. :)

Taking time

Been watching the short videos at Kinfolk and totally getting into the sounds and quietness at the same time. The colors are so muted, and the things people do in the films are so soothing.  Makes me yearn to take more time and effort with what goes on around the house.  To decorate the table at dinner.  To not hurry through just a simple task like cutting up vegetables or tying a ribbon.

But with so many children, and dogs and chickens---well, it's hard to make time to make time.  Know what I mean?  Usually I'm task-oriented, and am proud and mostly relieved when the food is prepared on time, eaten with relish and am left with children cleaning up the mess afterward.

There's got to be more, but I've got to allow there to be more.

I guess it's a balance, but not an easy one for me.

Friday morning

Praying for some time to get my head on straight this weekend.  What I really need, and this is a need that's pretty consistent, is for me to turn off my brain.  To not borrow trouble, as my husband is wont to tell me.

To not think about our Pug, Violet, who might need bladder stone surgery. Daisy had it a couple of years ago, and I was pressing Violet's belly yesterday and thought I felt something.  She's had a recurring bladder infection, and even with all the tweaking of their diet, it still happens.

Along the same line, I was telling middle daughter to not get too upset about two small cavities her dental student found on Thursday for her check-up.  She's been going to appointments steadily this summer in regards to an appliance she has in her mouth to move a tooth.  Not braces, but wires nonetheless.  She's been diligent with brushing, etc., especially with the gadget in her mouth, but still, the cavities happen.

Never can be too sure, can we?  Life just does its thing no matter.

Anyway, taking the least one out tomorrow for lunch and the thrift store. We'll pick up the flowers for the church altar as well.  Our priest suggested Fresh Market for those, and going there is always a treat.  The Store of Indulgences, I call it.

And I'll apply myself to turning off my brain.  The weather's lovely and cool (who said it was July?) and rain is a possibility tonight.  With the heavy thinking I've been doing this week, some time off from that would be beneficial.  Makes me angsty.

Tidying up my nest, handwork, and reading.  That just about covers it.  And you know, I think that the Lord put the desire in women's hearts to do creative things with small bits and pieces.  To sit and sew.  To make something pretty when life is hard and not-so-pretty.  To accomplish some item of loveliness to override what might be difficult.  Just something I believe.  Might not be so, but I think it is.

Take care.

Tuesday night

...a photo having nothing to do with the post

Dragging around the house today, hoping to get a rush of energy since second son bought me a new vacuum cleaner (which is purple and delightful), but to no avail.  Couldn't figure out why I was so exhausted after a good night's sleep, but oldest daughter hit the nail on the head and mentioned what she thought it was in a text today.  She and I had had a few short conversations last night (spaced out because it's so doggone hard to find quiet in this house) about her relationship with her boyfriend.  I was able to say some hard-hitting things to her I'd been mulling over, and she was a doll about listening.  She really is a wonderful person.

But I totally drained any energetic juices that might've been washing around in my body.  Emotional tiredness might be even more toxic than the physical sort.  I'd been thinking about what I told her for weeks and weeks, and I guess it was more cryptic than I'd first believed.  Wiped me out.  Just finally saying what I'd been thinking about for so long---that was the problem.

The real clue was when she and I were through talking last night and I was instantly and overwhelming tired. Just out of nowhere.

Add to that the fact that I'd been resting in bed prior to our chats and one by one, the kids came down to tell me things.  Chipping bits of me off here and there.  And I'm taking middle daughter to the dental school tomorrow morning to have her student doctor check the wires they put in her mouth a couple of months ago to move a tooth.  It'll take more time to drive there and back than to actually see him.  I really don't feel as cranky as I sound. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed.

These are the sorts of mothering episodes that wipe me out.  Just the small, constant things of life. Sometimes, though, I handle it better than others.

{TH} read

After seeing Lesley's post about participating in Peggy's new crafting/sewing/reading group, I thought I'd join in as well.  I'm hoping the weekly contact with these folks will inspire me and give me a 'much needed' kick in the pants to get back into some sort of creative work.  As I was telling a sweet friend earlier, it's so easy to be busy cleaning and tidying so much that, all the while I forget how enriching a simple hour of sewing can be for me. And since I last commented and photographed this piece, I've added the umbrella and am working on the chicken, happily from a pattern dear Bonnie shared with me recently.  Definitely have to have a chick on a piece that showcases favorite things!

So, the embroidery photo is from a piece I began AGES ago.  Now it's out and I'm ready to get serious with some crafting now. The books are part of my current pile, but just part of it.  The stash of reading material changes almost daily.

Monday afternoon's thoughts

Piglet's even better today, walking sort of like a pirate.  Peg-legged, you can imagine.  The least one brought her in this morning and sat on the sofa with her.  You can't imagine how soft the feathers on these chickens are. My goodness.  Just like satin, I'm not kidding.  I do adore holding and petting them.

And really, am so incredibly relieved Piglet's healing so quickly.  The anxiety of having her hurt is passing (most of us had a hard time getting to sleep Saturday night with re-living the chicken/dog fiasco) and it's a joy to see recovery.  And thankfully she can hop/skip/jump to the other birds, so can keep up and they're not rejecting her.  That's a relief.

Tough to love living beings.  Takes it out of you.  But the alternative is alone time I don't savor experiencing. Not quite sure why the Lord plopped me in a lifestyle that's so chock-full of activity, but must think I can handle it. Correction:  WE can handle it.

One of the boys was talking to our priest/his wife yesterday at church and the comment was that we managed taking care of their menagerie so easily last week.  The way I figure it, most stuff isn't a big deal. Well, the stuff that only requires manual labor.  Now worry takes it out of me, but cleaning out a chicken coop, cleaning up dog mess or a litter box, or feeding animals are no-brainers.  Just time-fillers.

Again, like most things, it's all in how you look at it.

Sunday afternoon

Well, Piglet survived the night, but wondering about the saga regarding the survival of the fittest.  Gary was holding Piglet this morning, and Milk (the head chicken) came up to her and pecked her head.  Guess she was telling Piglet to either get well or get out.  Who knows?  I know birds will toss out weaker babies, same with squirrels.  But for now, thankfully, they're all settled in the cooler corner of the yard, with Piglet actually lying next to Milk.  Phew.  Rejection and wasting away of a bird I DON'T need.  She has a limp, but can stand and hobble around a bit.  Shoot, if a big dog bit me, I'd walk with a limp as well.  We'll just watch her and see how this plays out.  I think she'll be fine.

Odd thing too, at church today, was talking to our priest and yesterday they lost a chicken.  Their Phoebe flew up over the fence keeping them in with the coop, their Basset Hound was out in the yard and you can imagine the rest.  She was my favorite of their chickens too.  Pays to not get attached. Maybe not to even name them, but good luck with that.  As second son says---treat them like goldfish.  Must remember that. Ha.

Some days I wish we had no dogs or birds.  Some days I wish I lived alone. Some days the activity and noise level gets a tad overwhelming.  Then I blink and get over it, but still, life often feels overfull.

Hoping tomorrow is v.e.r.y quiet and peaceable.  Just need the wheels of life to turn a bit more slowly.  Oh, and speaking of wheels.  Gary cancelled the insurance on my Suburban.  Stella was a grand ride for the 'almost' six years we've had her.  Gary and I were in the backyard talking about the chickens this afternoon, veered off to talk about the truck and he said something about having to shoot her in the head.  For a split second, I was thinking of Piglet.  But no, he was talking about Stella.  My truck is dead. He's going to part it out, see what he can use on his Suburban and we'll sell it for scrap.  Not sure how you do that, but we'll figure it out.  Next plan----pray for a replacement.  It'll be fun to see what the Lord provides, and I have no doubt He will.

Chicken run

Drama in chicken land today.  Keep in mind we have a space underneath the coop with a partial side that stays open unless we prop a board up against it.  When we let the big dogs out, one of us barricades the chickens in that area and just keeps an eye on it.  We never leave the big dogs outside with them alone, because we know what can happen.  Or we imagined what could happen.  It did today.

The least one was out there by herself under 5 minutes while I put dinner in the oven.  Under five minutes. Then she yelled like crazy and we ALL ran outside.  Two of the chickens had gotten out when Romeo (the dumbest dog on the planet...believe me, we've checked) decided to knock over the wood keeping them safe.  Romeo was running after Piglet the chicken, Opal our shepherd was going full tilt as well.  Opal penned the chicken in an area beside the backdoor, I tackled (yes, literally tackled) Opal with one hand dug into her fur while grabbing Romeo's harness.  My goodness.  Yes, an adrenaline rush once again.  Feathers flying.

Piglet survived, thankfully, but the least one was a mess for about an hour, just crying.  Piglet's foot or upper leg was hurt, so she just stood there, but wasn't bleeding, so that's good.  She'll probably be okay.  She's able to sit on the roost tonight, so I think she'll mend.  Thankfully hens are stupid, so she'll not have much memory of the excitement.  I'd like to be stupid sometimes, really.  Memory loss?  Sometimes a benefit in life.

This on the heels of this morning, Gary successfully using a BB g*un on a rat that was in the yard (I know...ewww...chicken feed draws them like a magnet), and Romeo earning his keep by catching it as it ran away holding its head.  Opal was having a blast with that situation as well.  I think they were experiencing deja vu when two of the chickens got loose from underneath the coop.

Dang, it made us mad.  The least one said Opal won't get any doggie treats for at least a week, and she's her favorite dog.  Just not tonight.  Guess the way the big dogs see it...anything smaller than them and running away deserves to get caught.  The thing is, they're wrong.  When your owners are yelling "STOP" so loud that the neighbors are leaning in toward your house, surely the dogs hear that as well.  Dang dogs.

And I won't even tell you about the two baby hawks Mississippi Kites (pretty much full-grown now) that live one street over and who were, after dinner and all this nonsense, circling our next-door neighbor's backyard. Are you kidding me?  Chickens are fresh bait to raptors (though maybe not kites, but tell that to the chickens).  We made sure they snuggled into the coop toot-sweet after seeing the kites.  More drama we didn't need. And all this just because we want some cool colored eggs. What was I saying about stupid?

Vroom. Vroom.

Recovering today after a very, very busy yesterday.  First off, taking care of our priest's wildlife since he and his wife had to go out of town for an unexpected family funeral.  They have 9 chickens, four dogs and two kittens. More animals than us.  Finally, someone who's nuttier than we are.  And might add, honored to be asked, once again, to help them out. Being allowed to go into someone's house, mess with their stuff and have a key.  That's weighty trust in my book.  Very honored.

Anyway, we've been going over there twice a day and with that plus picking up fourth son at work for the dentist yesterday, waiting 4 hours for that to be over (too far away to waste the gas to leave him and come back again), dropping him off home afterward, and then leaving immediately to pick up daughter at her job who was loaning me her pick-up, having to wait for the LONG coal train, and being in rush-hour traffic, afraid I'd run of gas since her fuel gauge fuse blew----mind-boggling.  Today was a time of recovery, and only one trip out of the house, and that was to do dog-duty. Our priest and his wife have 3 chihuahuas in the mix.  What could be more adorable, I ask you?  No work there.  Just cuteness.

Tomorrow should be of minor stress.  Looking forward to buying groceries, if a couple of Gary's clients will pony up.  I'm a dab hand at making dinner out of whatever's in the kitchen (Tamar Adler of An Everlasting Meal is a wonderful inspiration---since I cook that way anyway, she's good company to have around---in book form, of course). But even I run out of ingredients.  Eggs are about it at this point.  Now's the time to clean out the fridge and wipe out the cupboards.  Empty vessels are the easiest to tidy.

Take care all.

Oh, and by the way.  The vinegar is still a winner.  Boing, boing, boing.

Vinegar tales

It's so weird.  The only thing I've done differently today was to take some Bragg Organic Vinegar in a glass of water this morning.  I ate the same breakfast of oatmeal and hot tea, but afterward drank the vinegar.  We'd bought it at the store yesterday (pricey compared to the ordinary store brand apple cider vinegar...about 3-4 times as expensive) for us to dose the dogs with (pugs' bladder issues and for me to make tinctures with).  Read on the bottle that it's good for all sorts of stuff, which I've heard but not experienced.

Anyway, drank it and within an hour, I felt better. Can't really explain how, but just better.  I put about a teaspoon in around a cup of tap water this morning, and then repeated it this afternoon. Boing, boing, boing.  I'd remind you of Tigger. And while I did sleep well last night, it wasn't enough to justify the energy I have today.  I've not felt this good in weeks and weeks.  Don't know when I've had this sort of ability to get things done.

Boing, boing, boing.  Will repeat the experience tomorrow, you can bet on that.

Monday naptime

• my suburban is dead, or at least possibly on its last legs (wheels)
• last week the radiator overheated, and we figured it was just an oversight of needing fluids
• well, two days later, it completely drained out when i was running my errands
• drove it home like the wind (with no antifreeze/water) and whipped through neighborhoods, avoiding stoplights
• adrenaline rush 
• it's backed in the driveway for the duration
• gary's going to look at it when he has time---thinks it's more complicated than first expected, and he's worked on our vehicles a lot---street smarts
• not sure if it's a fixable situation, though
• over 240,000 miles and needs tires
• but the way i figure it, almost 6 years ago, we got this truck as a barter with friends who needed shop work from gary
• win/win for us and them as well
• surely there's another miracle vehicle out there---a car with good gas mileage would be sweet
• i'm open!
• and in other news, sweet indian boyfriend didn't get offered the cruise line job
• oldest son said he shouldn't get depressed too quickly---this son has a friend who's sent in over 60 applications to get work in the past year or so
• not sure the details, but at least it seems like this friend is very diligent about looking
• his wife is a pharmacist, though, so maybe he's got a bit of a backup---which is good
• second son is 24 today
• taco soup simmering and about to make a chocolate picnic cake
• must go rest now
• with playing car/truck tag, life is a bit  more complicated
• to add to the drama, oldest daughter's truck went out last night and gary and i had to go save her---chained her truck to his truck and towed it
• second adrenaline rush for the week
• if you've never pulled a vehicle this way, i don't recommend it---drove me nuts being in the lead truck
• hard to time the braking in order to avoid running into one another, which of course, happened
• BAM!
• fortunately all our trucks are a bit worn, so a dent here and there on the bumpers just adds to the character
• but we all survived and it was all do-able
• it's all in your perspective, i reckon
• will really go rest now
• take care

Late Friday afternoon

The next few days might be a bit busy, with sweet Indian boyfriend spending the day with us on Sunday (going to church and then he and oldest daughter will fix us an Indian dinner---which will be delightful), and second son turns 24 on Monday.  More possible company then with a friend of second son's maybe coming to eat.  Must get the house whipped up into shape.

Spend some time yesterday tidying up deep cleaning the kitchen.  When oldest daughter and boyfriend cook, I get intimidated when it's not straighter than normal. I like to put on a good front, no matter, and I'm not the tidiest homemaker around by any means.  And we're in prayer for SIB since he's graduated from culinary school and is looking for work. Yesterday he applied for a job with a cruise liner and it'll be curious to hear how that plays out.  It'll be a six-month obligation out of Hawaii, and that puts a new spin on daughter's/his relationship anyhow.  Hmmm.  Not sure what I think of that.  Part of me believes he needs to get out from under his family (Indians have a different way of parenting than I'm familiar with---much more involved, and their work ethic is very stringent), and away time would probably be healthy for all participants. Force some growing apart, if you know what I mean.  And would prove the couple's relationship one way or another.  Getting the feeling that an engagement might be in the works. Would prefer they wait until he gets back---so much can happen, even when you least expect it. But maybe that's just the mother in me piping up.

Now must go tidy up the mess I've made in the living room.  Major bookshelf dusting and with Gary soon to be home, would rather have something done and finished.  And can hear the chickens in the backyard with the least one.  She's singing and they're clucking, most likely running away from her.  They don't mind being held, but you have to chase them down first.  Then they cozy up and are adorable.  It's the getting them there that's the challenge.  Same with the rest of us.  Chase us down, then we're adorable.  Such is life. :)

A little angsty post...

I'm a fan of writer Carol Bonomo, who's the author of Humble Pie and also The Abbey Up the Hill.  She's a former Episcopalian turned Catholic, and has a wonderful way of describing herself.  She's tough in that she's impatient with her Christian walk, expecting a lot of herself, also admitting her tendency to having a temper.

Had to laugh when I read this line in the Abbey book:  "I seem to have been born slamming doors shut behind me and then wondering where everybody went."

I seem to have a knack for offending folks, well, not all the time, but a significant amount of the time.  I tend to be a WYSIWYG sort of person, and it appears, many times that's not really an appreciated character trait.  The people I tend to butt heads with are more the sort who like to be buttered up.  Maybe it's because I'm in the South.  I don't know.  I do have the ability to name a list of people in my past who aren't fond of me anymore.  And the funny thing is this:  People don't tend to want to accept your forgiveness when you admit to screwing up.  At least that's my experience.  You can make folks mad as all get out, but after a bit, try to clean up the situation and ask for them to accept an apology and, my goodness, you might as well be pulling their teeth.  It ain't gonna happen.  I think grudge-holding is a national past-time.

So the slammed doors part of her quote made me laugh.  Shut door, empty room, and yeah, that's me sitting in the lone chair.

I'm suspicious of folks (usually women) who act all darling to your face, but will snipe at you behind your back.  Well really, who likes that trait?  Seems many are able to overlook it, though.  I just don't happen to be one of them.

Lest I give the impression that I'm a monster, I'm really not.  Faithful. That's what I am.  I'll stick to you like glue if you'll just be yourself.  Don't play like you're something you're not.  And if you say you'll do a particular thing, do it.  Try to avoid saying just what you think I want to hear you say. That's a big no-no.  I might not like it, but I'll respect you for shootin' me straight.

That is all.

Keeping cool, sort of...

This is one of those days when you get to the end of it and say, "Why no, I accomplished absolutely nothing the entire day."  And that's the truth.

The only bit of excitement was when Gary and I went together to pick up 4th son at work and my truck overheated.  Glad G. was there to do the anti-freeze thing.  I can take care of things like that, but would rather he do it. Grateful.  And with the heat index well into the 100's, it worked out just fine.

Now it's almost 10pm and I'm getting up every 20 minutes or so, moving the sprinkler about in the front garden.  Being on the corner, it takes awhile before everything gets wet, but it's worth it.  I remember about 5 or so years ago, it was so dry in July, I impatiently cut back all my black-eyed Susans because they looked so pitiful.  Thankfully this summer we've had reasonable amounts of rain, and some cooler days.  Just doesn't happen to be this week.  Drat.  And oddly enough, this is the first time I've had to use the sprinkler.  Not bad for July.  The flowers really do look gorgeous.  'Course the Crepe Myrtles love the heat and the Susans.  My Balloon Flower is perfect, the Butterfly Bushes are sort of thin, but usually come around.  The Phlox is pretty, but I keep cutting it, so don't give it a chance.  The blooms just smell so doggone good in the house.

Oh, and on Sunday one of the long-standing members at the church personally nominated me to be the Flower Chairwoman, I guess you'd call it.  Just have to make sure someone (or me) gets flowers up on the altar for Sunday morning.  Nobody did the task this past Sunday and this sweet woman was sad about it.  Asked if I'd do the job of seeing to it, and she's such a love, I can't ever tell her no.  Plus she's one of Gary's regular clients and has the most delicious deep South accent.  I could listen to her talk all day.

So guess that's my news. Not much, but it's all pretty good.  Take care and stay cool.

Monday evening

A good day, but need to watch how much I go outside.  It's HOT.  Still recovering from the migraine (minor pain at the outset, but harder to lick this time), and the heat sort of cranks it up a bit.

Having some sweet quiet time, though.  Not taxing myself and finding puttery things to do.  Had to get out for a bit today and visited a liquor store nearby.  I'm a total novice in that setting, so when I went inside there, told them I wanted a small bottle of brandy for tincture-making.  Happily not expensive, but I did prefer the glass bottle over the plastic.  Liquor in plastic seems a bit uninspiring to me.  Nice to talk to the girl who waited on me about what I was doing.  Next time might wander around a bit.

And second son bought me a bottle of sweet almond oil.  Priced grape seed oil at the grocery store as well, and will need to get some natural (unbleached) beeswax next---not sure if I'll go to craft store or hippie store for that, but we'll see.  My herbal lessons require me to make a salve, an herbal oil and a beverage blend this month.  Always a treat to experiment.  Just gathering my equipment a bit at a time.

Also began making a dream catcher last night.  With all the pretty chicken feathers we're collecting (a bit of a molt), I figured it'd be amusing to make something out of them.  Found an American Indian site with instructions for weaving the threads in the center of the catcher's circle to mimic a spider's web.  Will hang the feathers tomorrow.

It's been awhile since I've allowed myself creative time.  I must say it's about time.

Photos to follow later. :)

Chickens and herbal stuff

• about to go out back and watch the procession of the chickens into their house to bed down
• it's a nightly ritual at about 7:30 in the evening
• amazing the instincts of plain, old chickens
• we just sit there and watch them eye-ball the sun going down, and off they go
• visited a neighbor this afternoon and she'd been using a homemade tincture i'd made and given her to help her sleep
• she said it didn't make her sleepy, but was curing her aches from rheumatoid arthritis
• i'd say that was a win, for sure
• never saw that coming
• that's the sort of news worth getting up for
• found a field of red clover near 4th son's workplace
• gary and i were picking him up the other day and i shouted out as we passed the clover
• stopped the truck and picked some, dug up a few pieces as well
• will try to plant it and see if i can get some of my own
• dried a couple of cupsworth---takes a lot to get enough to fool with
• red clover is pretty wonderful anyhow
• looking forward to a quiet week
• the chatty, sweet neighbor called tonight about the house she's wanting to buy, so we won't have to worry with that later on in the week
• wanted to give her time to tell me, but my head still begins to hurt when i get tense
• long phone conversations about difficulties (her ex-husband is being a stinker) are in the tense category
• oh, gary's ordered a couple of books on bee-keeping
• you can see where this is headed :)
• now it's about time for chickens 
• rest well, my sweets

'Dorothy Reading' by Mischa Askenazy

~isn't this lovely

Saturday before dinner

You know what I'd like?  I'd like to go to one of those monastery places folks visit when they need sustained quiet.  To hear monks or nuns singing their chants at the hours. To go to prayers at a set time.  For a room to sleep in with little furniture and a cross on the wall.  Simple food and very little conversation.  For someone to bring me a cup of hot tea and buttered toast in the morning with a rough linen napkin lining a pottery plate.  That's what I'd like.  I don't even require flowers, which is saying a lot since I'm a flower glutton, but less is really more in this scenario I'm painting for myself.

Wondering if I can pattern this-coming week into something with little or no drama.  No surprises, no phone calls, no unexpected conversations.  A healing time.  Wonder if that's possible.  I want to be a hermit, and really mean it.  I want someone to stand guard ahead of me and keep the creepies away.

To turn off my head.  To be able to ward off folks who want to steal my time, and insist on horning in on it either emotionally, or in a physical way.

I have a couple of neighbors who I care deeply about, but who talk when they get to talking.  My goodness, can they talk.  Will have to avoid them, because I know there's an issue with a house one of them wants to buy and it's going to be settled in some way this week.  I just don't have the strength to listen right now.  Lingering migraine symptoms, you know.

Let's call it one of those Staycations.  I'll stay and everybody else can sort of 'get outta Dodge' if you get my drift.

For tonight, am going to watch the last Inspector Lewis in PBS I've not seen.  Caught up the past few days, not realizing they'd been on t.v. lately. Love them.  Relaxing, and such wonderful music.  If a murder mystery can be classy and non-gory (for the most part) then these fit the bill.

Will go now.  Had plans for a moderately fussy dinner, but think it's waffles or pancakes instead.  Whichever seems the less complicated, and might be pancakes.  Would much rather clean a skillet than a waffle iron.  Take care.

Post Fourth thoughts

Well, as it happens, Gary took the majority of the kids to my mom's yesterday for cake and ice cream.  I got hit with a migraine just a couple of hours before we were getting ready to leave.  Got the full gamut of partial loss of eyesight, sparkly rick-rack, soon followed by the pain in the left side of my head.  Classic.  Hmm.  Guess my body knows what NOT to do, eh?

Then just when I was ready to think about going, vision back, etc.---figuring it was necessary to keep the peace, the rick-rack came back.  The family left, I stayed home medicated and drinking lots of ice water and puttered around with the chickens.  That's what needed to happen.

Now I have to make a choice, Gary says, and either talk to my mom and try to find some level area, or just walk away.  Considering the bruise on the side of my head, that's the remnant of the headache (doesn't pay to shake my head today), I'm thinking the decision is being made for me.  Not much I can do about it.

Loving that I can depend on our kids and my husband.  No problems there, and all this talk about cleaving to one another.  Always a good thing.

Perspective

~painting by carl holsoe

A year or so back, I can remember being at the grocery store with Gary and him stopping me in my tracks and telling me that he'd worry about the income and that I wasn't to fret over it.  He was adamant, and a bit testy.  Sort of shook me up, his aggressive attitude about it, but frankly, I'd gotten to where I put that conversation out of my mind. Kept picking that worry up. Figured worrying would sometime work to my advantage.  Uh.  Not working out that way.

I reminded him of that conversation the other afternoon, being that the groceries keep disappearing and the bills keep piling up.  He said that yes, he's still the one who's going to handle the income, and I can do whatever it is I do.  He wasn't playing with me, but was dead serious that he wants me to be happy here at home while he goes and slays the dragons.

Honestly, after reminding myself of that chat, I've made a concerted effort to let financial worries be set aside.  I'm paying better attention to my own job here....head cook and bottle washer, and I'm so much happier.  My fretting doesn't put food on the table, or money in my pocket.  It just makes me sad and aggravated.  The bills are still getting paid, and I'm much happier.

I mean, really, is Gary worrying about the kids during the day, whether I'm making sure they're getting fed?  Is he wondering if I'm washing the clothes or tending the chickens?  Does he think about the possibility of me running away from home?

It all makes such sense now.  Just have to keep it up.  That's the hard part.

Fourth Eve

We now have new neighbors across the street in the house that's been a torture for those of us who live on this street.  The last folks there drove us nuts (as did most renters before them), and the house has stood empty for a couple of months now.  An extended Mexican family has moved in and we just met them tonight, to take over some chocolate chip cookies.  They're WONDERFUL.  A mom and her husband, daughter and her husband and a baby.  Beautiful women.  And as soon as we'd come home (the two youngest girls went with me), the mom and her daughter were at our door with a gift for us.

I'm so happy.  Now I can brush up on my Spanish and maybe learn a new dish to cook.  That would be so cool.  Might have a communication problem, but the daughter speaks English like an American, so that's a plus.  This looks like a winning family.  It's early yet, but I'm encouraged.

In other news, first-born is moving into third son's apartment with him. Another win.  Oldest son's excited, I know, and since he's more like me (slow to make decisions), it took his younger brother to take the plunge first.  I know they'll both enjoy being together, not that they do anything as a pair, but they've shared a room their whole lives.  This'll be a snap.

Also, we're going to my mom's for cake and ice cream tomorrow, and considering our potentially toxic relationship with her now, we're praying for a nice visit.  She might've asked my oldest brother (the one who's put me on his hit list), but not sure.  Seriously hope not.  Drama with my mom is enough, thank you.

Wishing you all a joyous Fourth, no matter.  After we come home from my mom's, we're cooking out pork roasts and making homemade baked beans and Hawaiian bread rolls for the barbecue.  Lots of yumness.

Take care, all.