Warning: rant ahead...

So, I was able to speak on the phone to the hostess (brides' family friend) who's allowing us to have the Rehearsal Dinner in her home.  Bride's idea.  Outside by the pool.  I'm thinking flies and heat.  We'll need to haul six tables and 40 chairs from the church to her house across town.  Do I sound a tad disgruntled?  Just a tad.  Need to dump this angst.

I was fine yesterday, feeling a little empowered by my ideas about the food, handling the pre-cooking and freezing of the BBQ, and buying little-by-little the odds and ends.

Then I spoke to her.  Was in my heart hoping she had some seating already.  Uh, no.  I will say, though, that she was awfully sweet on the phone.  Very Southern.

I think it's the actually getting of the tables/chairs that's rankling me.  Getting six heavy tables up from the church basement, not having a pick up truck anymore and having to depend on someone else to help us move them from one site to another.  The bride's mother has a new truck and offered, but I'm thinking, "Your daughter is getting married that week....do you really want to do this for us?"  So you say to me, "Well, she brought it up."

My life.  I'm just so darned irritable.

And with the hoopla regarding all the expense, I'm thinking I feel a bit like a redneck.  Okay, maybe I am sometimes a redneck, but I just want to get this right.  Feel in control and not manipulated by strong-minded women.  

I should take a lesson from my husband.  He's just doing his thing at work, not focusing on the wedding except to say, "Man, I'll be glad when this is over.  Do we have to be in any of the pictures?"

Yeah, so much enthusiasm.

Do you understand?  Marriage to an unbeliever is unfortunate.  I believe our son has a working knowledge of the Lord, but hasn't made a firm commitment, and his bride has no interest whatsoever.  Focus on buying so many things (bride and parents) and the Lord isn't any part of it.  Rent-a-preacher to perform the ceremony.  I'm sorry, but this doesn't make me happy.  I try for everyone to appear glad, but in private (and here on this blog), it's not that way.

Okay.  Today and tomorrow I'll walk away.  Give it some air.  We meet the hostess and see her house Sunday night.  That'll be good.  One step at a time.  

Time to think on something else.  Ready, set, go.

Friday morning

Fridays.  One of my favorite days of the week.  Today there's a tiny bit of stress, though, not having heard back since Tuesday from the couple who have offered their van.  Supposedly they're hunting down the title.  I so get that mentality---me, the person who never remembers where I put things.  The husband shared with my woodboy some issues with the van over and beyond the transmission being rebuilt 20,000 miles ago, being very blunt, and it makes me a bit antsy.  He won't let his wife drive it with the kids in it, but is okay giving it away.  Gary flew right by that comment, but I was left scratching my head.  Given that we'll have to drive it from their house over the river to get it here, I don't know, maybe I'm just paranoid.

Okay, I am paranoid.  Life has been too paranoid-producing these past few months (and I'm sure you're tired of that old song and dance) and we're in the mode of just waiting for the next slap-down.  Not a healthy attitude, but it's the only one I've got to go on now.

Now, don't fuss at me.  Just trying to build up my courage again.  A daily challenge.  Gary and I both feel as if someone consistently has their foot poised to trip us up, and we keep falling over it.  Literally.
  

I read a quote in The Reivers last night which was so spot on, I could've written it myself.  Correction.  I'm no Faulkner, but the quote was perfect for my mental state.  And is today.

"Because what I wanted was to be back home.  I wanted my mother.  Because you should be prepared for experience, knowledge, knowing:  not bludgeoned unaware in the dark as by a highwayman or footpad.  I was just eleven, remember.  There are things, circumstances, conditions in the world which should not be there but are, and you cant escape them and indeed, you would not escape them even if you had the choice, since they too are a part of Motion, of participating in life, being alive.  But they should arrive with grace, decency.  I was having to learn too much too fast, unassisted; I had nowhere to put it, no receptacle, pigeonhole prepared yet to accept it without pain and lacerations."

When you feel as I do (we do) now, folks who are living comfortably have the tendency to try to set you straight, get you out of your doldrums.  Commiseration is more appropriate now.  Understanding and compassion.  I'm waiting for the eternal shoe to drop, and unfortunately, it keeps on dropping.  A quiet weekend with no, absolutely no, drama would be nice.

Positives:  We have the money from the girl's insurance settlement on the Suburban in our hot little hands.   A blessing, and you wonder what the heck's the problem, huh?  Indecision, I guess.  We have the rental until Thursday, which is nice.  I think we need dinner out. :)

Home thoughts

Have gotten a lot done today, which seems to be my personal litmus test as to whether I'm a worthy human being.  Woke up at a reasonable time....and trying to relish the last few days before school starts here on Tuesday.  Sleep is good.  Melatonin is a blessing.

Made 8 bottles of tinctures including an Elderberry, Chasteberry, and Lemon Balm.  The Elderberry has been my go-to healer when any sniffles or fever comes calling.  Works every time.  Brilliant stuff.  

Now cake is baking, and middle daughter will mix up some yeast rolls in a bit.  Making Julia Child's Potato/Leek soup that's mentioned in Julie and Julia.  Was reading that last weekend, skittering past the $%@# that comes repeatedly.  Do folks really cuss that much, and in the company of just about anyone?  Call me naive.  Anyway, reading about that potato soup made me hungry, even though the leeks yesterday at the store were $2.69/lb., which is awful, especially considering that 3 leeks all wrapped in an elastic was about 2-3/4 pounds themselves.  Seriously?  But, since I got 3 bags of those yummy yellow potatoes for a buck a bag (5# each), can't complain overmuch.  The savings on those counteracts the expense of the leeks.

Do you see a pattern here?  Seems I have to justify my actions, sort of having to earn a treat (the leeks) by making a sacrifice in another way.  Case in point:  My brothers, who have very little to do with my mom now since she's leveled off since her stroke, have told me to pay myself about a monthly $200-250 for what I do for her.  Okay, fine.  I appreciate it and tend to just let her buy me groceries a bit every visit.  It pans out.  BUT.  But.  I get all het up when I get too close to that amount, or if her bank balance gets a bit lower than I'm comfortable with (property taxes due this month, and still hammering out her hospital bills).  The thing is, she always has money, and I'm very cautious.  But I feel guilty using her money, even though everyone (including her) knows I'm doing it.  

I need to give myself a bit, fat break.  The girls just shake their heads at me, as they should.

~ ~ ~

About to read more of Middlemarch.  After dragging myself through that book this summer, I'm finally in the home stretch.  My copy has 811 pages, and I'm on page 697 now.  Finally it's coming together with some romances either under fire, or in the throes of something-or-other.  I'm not sure how they'll all end, and without cheating, should be finished by tomorrow night.  Had given myself the summer to finish it, and am right on time.

Will go now.  Need to turn off the sprinkler.  It's dry as can be here, and have had the water on in the backyard.  The chickens are sort of scared of it, but it does bring some coolness to their run.  Take care all.

Off I go.....

Like lots of folks I have a Facebook account, one at Twitter and also at Tumblr.  I just spent some time on FB clearing out some pages I follow because they get contentious and ugly. Throw up an opinion, even on Anglican boards, and folks come out of the woodwork wanting the world to hear their points of view.  My head can't take it anymore, so check them off I go. I still follow, but don't have to read every discussion and every opinion.  So many folks vary on their faiths, and it's a day's work to keep up.  As it is, I know what I believe, am no theologian so sound lame when I defend my own beliefs, so it's best I stay out of it.

And even on our neighborhood association's page, I'm constantly amazed at how nosy folks are.  Controlling and in your face.  I don't have time.  Last week, I read that we were criticized for our landscaping---that it was to blame for our daughter's truck getting stolen.  That's a stretch.  A lesbian couple (not an issue, but it is an issue), who are very militant in their lifestyle tend to let it spill over in how they treat folks.  Said on the board (within my reading, not privately), that everyone knew about the house on 'our' street with the lovely flowers and nice landscaping....how we can't see criminals on our property and how we're overgrown, which is fine (said quietly), but we're tempting fate by not cutting down our bushes, etc.  She actually said the thieves could have changed their oil in our driveway in the time it would've taken us to catch them.  What?  Who's watching out their windows between 2am and 5am? They want us to look like everyone else who has rounded bushes, no privacy and are paranoid about their sterile yards?  Again, I have no time.  I called her on it, saying (nicely) that it was rude to single out our house, which she apologized to.  I offered then to cut her some flowers. Nuts.  She was fine after that, but really, you need to exercise some self-control.  It's our neighborhood, but it's not her house we were talking about.  Which, by the way, is painted an ugly orange color.  We should hold a meeting and ban her hideous color choice.  Not my business.

Get a life.  Plus the time it takes to argue with strangers.  What's up with that?  We talk to folks we don't know online in a way we'd never speak to someone to their face.  And we do it very willingly.  I've been guilty.  But I'm done.  Life is too short.  Heck, life is too short for the nonsense in my own life to borrow someone else's.

And, as you see from the porch, we have LOTS of privacy.  The thing is, in this day and time, people stay indoors most of the time, but come out to argue and holler and leave loud rap music playing in their vehicles while they go inside, at least that's our experience with our neighbors.  We've planted specifically to block our view from what they're doing.  Might still hear them, but we don't have to see them.  Our oasis, and that's as it should be.

Why am I all worked about folks I don't even know?  Ahem.  Thinking I need to look elsewhere, eh?

Daisy and other stuff

Spent six hours of my life at the DMV with fourth son getting him a photo ID.  He's not quite ready to take the driver's tests, and needs ID to go to third son's Basic Training graduation, hence the six hours. We got there this morning after they'd been open for 10 minutes, and about 40 folks were already in line ahead of us.  And afterward---yes, there was an afterward, we went to McDonald's which, thankfully, had no lines.  Thankful for small mercies.

Anyway.  In more important news, Daisy's surgery went well. Expensive.  The vet's rates have gone up, as I understand the healthcare nonsense has flowed over into veterinarian costs too. Ouch.  Glad she's fixed up, but the surgery, antibiotics, plus the prescription dog food we got was pricey.  But still.  It's for my Daisy and Violet, pugs extraordinaire.  All good.  Praying this food will put an end to the surgeries.  That would definitely be a plus.

On a Monday afternoon

• Called the vet to schedule Daisy's bladder stone surgery again.  We go in tomorrow morning. Prayers appreciated.  
• Waiting to hear from social worker about my mom's release.  I'm the go-to person for her to call.
• Taking Spring Break this week.
• Figuring next week will be toast with Mom back at her house.
• Full of negative thinking in regards to her discharge, and having a difficult time getting my head around it.
• But going to enjoy this week---freedom from care, so to speak.
• Tired of apologizing for how I feel about her going home, but with an experimental new situation, hard to think otherwise.
• Sure didn't see all of this coming.
• Deep breaths.
• Need to remember to lean on the Lord and not take this all on myself.  I do have a pretty swell support system in my husband and children.
• It's the unknowns that throw me, you know?
• Oh, and by the way, am in the midst of writing a blog about Mom going home.  Figured it would be good to have it all down in one place.  Other friends have done that, and I've benefited from their sharing.  Will share the link with you, if you like.  Say so in the comments and I'll email you the link. Not wanting to share it here...would like it to remain moderately anonymous.  Some raw emotions shared there, but it is a pretty raw situation.
• Well, anyway...take care.  Enjoy the warmth if you're being blessed with it.  Time to go outside. :) 

More on yesterday's post

Just read a blog post regarding the Ashes to Go trend, as they call it.  They being the folks who, in my opinion, trivialize the orthodox church traditions.  Granted, it's maybe used as an effective tool to spread Ash Wednesday's rituals to the masses, but I still say it smacks of the common way of doing things.

Making church traditions cute and available, not to mention all smiley-faced and 'out there' doesn't make it right.  There's something about toning down things like this that just gets my goat.  Reminds me too much of erasers and pencils with I love Jesus printed on them.  Again I say, common.  And while crossing someone's forehead with last year's palm leaves that have been burned isn't on the same level as Holy Communion or Baptism, it's still important---and special.  Approve of the Ashes to Go mindset and next you know folks will be taking the Baptismal font out on the street corners.  There's something to be said for taking God to the people, but in my opinion, this isn't the way.  There's a process.  Instant gratification with even this is pushing things a bit too far.  Do I overreact?  Maybe to some, but not to me.

And.....for those who would turn around and criticize those of us who have a problem with this----oh go fly a kite.  I do have a right to oppose something that, to me, is disrespectful.  Doesn't mean I'm wearing my britches backwards.  I just believe there are some things that don't need to be tampered with.

Paperwork

Just muttering to myself.  Had a call from DHS this morning about the papers they required to get my mom's Medicaid all set up.  They needed all of the personal papers before February 3rd.  The first set was mislaid in their office (that were faxed over on December 23rd), and the new worker wasn't sure where they'd ended up.

When she called, she asked why the follow-up info. we faxed last week hadn't included those original papers.  I told her their secretary had the papers.  And I quote.

She goes skittering off to find them, says she'll get back to me.

Two hours later.

Tick, tick, tick.

I called her, asking if she'd found the papers.  The original case worker (who also goes by the name Slacker) had them in his desk.

Incompetence is so maddening.  Really, the left foot doesn't know what the right foot is doing.

The clicker is when I called her, she wasn't sure what I was talking about.  Two hours later.  I realized folks are over-worked, but really?  And if anyone else says it's because my last name is Smith, I'll smack you.  The name Smith doesn't mean Invisible, does it, really?

The thing is,  if you say you'll call me back, I actually believe you.

On the up-side, she said Mom's paperwork had been approved.  Just like that.  Thankful for that...that's for sure.  Couldn't afford her care otherwise.  Just a head's up.  Dealing with government offices can be a big pain, but glad this has a happy ending.

Just being real...

I fear this isn't going to sound like a Thanksgiving post, but I'll plow ahead.

We went to the meeting with the Social Worker and Therapists today, and right off the bat, they said something about Mom going home on the 6th.  My brain jumped ahead to January for a brief few seconds, and that sounded do-able.  But no.....they meant next Friday.  Nine days from now.  The very same day Gary flies out of here to visit his folks up in Baltimore for the weekend.  Is someone playing a joke that I'll wake up from soon?

I think I'll take up drinking.

At the risk of sounding like a whining child, I'll go on.  I'm not prepared for the level of intimacy this will require of me on a daily basis.  I don't wanna.  I'm not prepared to be so important to my mom that we'll share every aspect of her life.  I cringe when I think of having therapists here in our home 3 times a week.  I shudder when I look at our tired old bathroom which needs a facelift and imagine strangers supervising her bath in there.  I don't feel strong enough.  It's too much.  But mostly it's way too soon.

But yeah, it's not all about me.  Middle daughter is having a very hard time with this, and Gary says it's because she's a teenager.  She's bucking at possibly moving back into the former room with oldest daughter, along with the least one (who's being adorable, though she doesn't realize it).  But her eyes are tired.

The boys aren't fazed.  They say things will all work out, but won't have to move out of their room, and their lives will, mostly likely, just continue as they have.  So for them, it will all work out.  No problems.

Females aren't that easily pacified.  We look ahead to the particulars.

And the ultimate icing on the cake today was our neighbors across the street having company, and are driving a huge camper....Winnebago style.  They actually pulled it up in our yard at the curb.  Are you kidding me?  I'm ready to wrestle somebody.  I saw it there when I got home this afternoon, and just stared. In the grass, which is all smashed and packed down on several areas, showing they've done this earlier as well. Jumped the curb and parked in our yard.

I'm going to go now and either slug something or have some hot tea.  Probably the latter.  But would prefer the former.

Friday afternoon

When I visited my mom yesterday, she was sitting in the wheelchair, waiting for a nurse to help her get back into bed. She'd had a long day, lots of therapy, and was wanting to lie down.

I sat to the side when the nurse came and prepared the bed, got it into the right position and then motivated and physically helped my mom maneuver herself.  Her right leg still won't cooperate without some encouragement, so Mom was exhausted when she was back in bed.  It's hard work.

Then last night, called my oldest brother about when he could make a family meeting with the hospital for next week.  Nailed that down with him and then he expressed his concern about me driving Mom's car. Said he's worried someone will break into her house with no vehicle in the carport.  So, to keep him happy, we'll return the car tonight.  Honestly, it frees me up a bit, not having the excuse to drop everything and run.  Have gotten used to not having regular transportation, but using her car has been handy the past two weeks.  A bit peeved at my brother, though, for showing more concern in the chat about her house than her well-being.

Bottom line, he wants her to be in her house when she's released, and true to form, wants our kids to carry the brunt of her after-care.  He said, "Well, they'll have to start moving out sometime (2 have already), so they might as well move in with Mom."  Keeping a nice tone in my voice (not easy) when I replied to him, said the level of care she'll need after release is more than our kids can provide.

It's so easy for him to decide what's best without changing up his own routine.  Doesn't want to be inconvenienced, and went so far as to say Mom needed to toughen up and try harder.  Uh, have any of us in the family had a stroke, so understand what she's going through?  I thought not.

The many facets of caring for an ill elderly family member.  I've always believed that stressful situations bring out a person's true character, and I still stand by that.

Minor meltdown

Got a call from the Social Worker this morning, and she said they didn't have a set discharge date for my mom yet.  So glad. Seems they want to get her to minimal dependence on help, and as of now, she's very needy, especially with small chores like dressing and bathroom issues.  And the Social Worker also said they'd like to hold a family meeting next week to consider our options, and what Mom's status is.

Curious to know what my brothers' thoughts are on the matter. Do they have ideas different than ours?  I just wonder, and it'll be interesting to see how this family meeting goes.  My other brother is too far away to come (well, unless it's immediately before Thanksgiving---he made noises about coming for the holiday, but quite honestly isn't the best with following through---there you have it---brutal honesty), but he and my oldest brother, pretty much, see eye-to-eye, so one echoes another. Unfortunately.  I say that, but would enjoy being pleasantly surprised.  Dysfunctional is our middle name.

When my mom had her cataract surgery and broken arm a couple of years ago, it was simply accepted that our household would take care of her.  I get that.  We live here.  But also, it's a tad frustrating when my (childless, divorced) oldest brother who lives not-so-far-away tends to rely on the argument that we have all these kids, so have an immediate help line.  He needs to cut it out.

Not feeling so strong for the job today of being me. I want a do-over.  And while my relief at Gary talking to my mom yesterday is still a plus, I get to thinking about moving 3 bedrooms around here, throwing stuff out, and making way for my mom and it makes me feel sick.  And I consistently have this problem where I feel I can always take on ONE MORE THING, but it's not always the case.  But, sometimes the right thing to do, isn't necessarily the easiest one to do.  It's just right.

How to access the Grace of God in a situation that's so overwhelming almost seems impossible.  I know it's there, but to constantly feel a deficit of energy and ability tends to drain me dry.  And this with her still in the hospital.  How am I going to cope when she's discharged and I have to really face what has to happen?

Mid-week

Too many irons in the fire.

Yesterday after I blogged here, I had to take fourth son to the dental school downtown to have a crown seated. No problem there, and out earlier than usual.  We planned to stop at the main branch of the library on the way home. Pulled in, found a parking place, and as I was turning into it, we heard a loud BOOM sound twice.  First thought was that I'd run over something that had blown both of her (borrowing oldest daughter's pick-up) right-side tires.  Couldn't find a problem, so while second son was standing outside the truck, I tried to back up.  BOOM again.  Something came loose and fell off, a suspension sort of thing.  Tire began to list inward (not as much as in photo---that happened when the tow truck guy had to pull it backward) and several things fell off---little bits.

Long story short.  Called Gary, called daughter, they came, called mechanic who ordered a tow truck.  Got it hauled in.  Daughter got the repair list, and it's bearable.  All's well that ends well.

I was exhausted when we got home.  Too much stress.  My insides felt every bit of that BOOM, instantly worrying about what the heck had happened, and powerless to do anything.  Feeling there's a spiritual metaphor tucked into that experience.

Got home, and a review book had arrived in the mail.  Always a treat, especially when they get here before I anticipate.  A small reward for a very busy day.

And tomorrow oldest daughter and second son drive out of state to a missions type conference (he's interested, she's just going along for the ride).  I'm not fretting, but it's one more thing to keep in mind.

Odd, but I don't always know something bothers me until I have physical issues related to worry.  My hands break out, my head will hurt, my stomach will do flip flops.  All boxes checked the past day or so.  Guess I'm a bit wound up, eh?

Anyway.  Got to keep my focus.  The Lord has it all under control.  I just have to do what I do in my own little world. :)

Silent screams!

Good grief.  Had a bill due to be paid online at 3pm, and the mail brought money with it.  At 2:15pm.  Could we cut it closer, please?  I got in oldest daughter's truck to take it to the bank (thankfully there was a vehicle here to take), had to hit the brakes as I was clipping along on one of the busiest streets, because the car in front of me decided to suddenly let someone facing our direction in the turn lane cross over 3 lanes to get to a store.  I promise there couldn't have been more than 1" between me and their bumper when I finally stopped. Then there was a train. Then the ATM was closed and I had to go into the bank dressed like a bag lady. Could it get any better than this?  Tell me.  Could it?

Then had to race home to get online to pay the bill, being leery of making the payment before the money was accounted for in the bank, but probably could've done the paying before the dashing out.

Is it time to quit, yet?

Here's the deal.  When a person (or in this case, couple) prays and prays and is in God's face, the evil one is shoving his fat face in the way.  Trying to cause you to fail, attempting to cause accidents, and in our case, messing up miserably.  Not sure why our finances are so screwed up, but it is what it is.  Living on the edge has never been more aggravating, though.

And, yes, not wanting to appear ungrateful, but the time crunch here really wasn't my favorite thing.  Don't want to leave with you thinking I'm a stinker. Okay, I'm a stinker, but rushing around at the last minute sort of got under my skin.  Thankful, yes.  Annoyed, okay, yes to that too.  But really, very thankful for God's provision.  Btw, now the time is 2:57pm.  Phew.  Yes, I had to blog as soon as the dust settled.  Whatever is blogging for if not for a rant now and again?

{and current egg count is at 16}

Just a minor rant...

Busy shaking my head like a St. Bernard, slinging slobber hither and yon.  I feel way overwhelmed and don't know where to land.

I was called yesterday by a woman (I don't know) at church who's getting together the memorial service food for an event tomorrow afternoon.  My name was recommended to her by our priest, which is pretty blush-worthy.  One of my favorite people there just lost her second husband and at this very minute I'm cooking chicken and have cream cheese sitting out to soften.  I'm the sandwich person, it seems.  It's been ages since I've participated in a baby or wedding shower, but the process is the same.  Pimento cheese, chicken salad and cucumber.  A piece of cake.  We'll get there early and put out the table cloths, dishes and flowers.  I really love that sort of thing.  Service behind the scenes. Just my style.

It's just the timing that's a bit wonky.  School has started and that's exhausting, just the fact of me using my brain for a change.  Algebra and Geometry.  Ugh.

And while I get all fussed up, it IS an honor to be asked to help.  That's a fact.  I can handle, pretty much, any inconvenience when I stand back and see what's really going on.

But for the last two days, I've caught a look at myself in the mirror after teaching the kids and the word 'hag' isn't too off course.  I look like that old saying, 'Rode hard and put away wet.'  Not a vision of loveliness, that's for sure.

And with no car, am juggling with borrowing from oldest daughter, second son and Gary.  They're all willing, but it's an added difficulty when you (that'd be me) have to pick up folks as well.  More driving around that I care to do.

Whine, whine, whine.

Think I'll finish up here and rest for a bit before mixing up my sandwich fillings. You take care. :)

{and btw, we're up to eight eggs now}

Monday chattering

*Was thinking about getting out of bed this morning, and all of a sudden heard a bit of 'bok-bok-boking' from the chickens in their coop.  It's just outside our bedroom window, partly for safety's sake.  We figure we'll hear if any wild animals decide to investigate in the middle of the night.

Anyway, I let the birds out, and there was a brown egg all warm and toasty in one of the nesting boxes. Assuming it was Piglet again, after laying one on Sunday. And considering I'm teaching the kids Spanish now (we live in the South; it seems appropriate), we say, "Tenemos seis huevos ahora."  Yeah, we have six eggs now. Madelyn laid her fourth today as well.  Have we eaten them?  No.  Kind of enjoying our collection.  And there's a rhythm now.  The layers are hitting it every-other-day.  When the other three catch on, we should have quite a bowl of eggs.

*And had a nice time last night at dinner with sweet Indian boyfriend and his dad who came over here.  SIB's mom and sister have been in Florida over the weekend, so we had a cook-out and asked the men to come over.  As always, it was interesting to hear SIB's dad talk about India.  And with him being raised over there, he still interjects Hindi into the conversation.  So different.  So amazing.  So foreign!

*Lastly, struggling over Sunday School for our teenage kids (one is our youngest son who's 17, and middle daughter who's 14).  The church (while very conservative in a political sense), is more liberal in some of their entertainment choices.  The young folks have been invited to have what they're calling Christian movie night this weekend, with 'Batman Begins' as the choice.  Something about teaching them varied views of 'justice.' I'm sorry but I can't get my head around that.  Besides some mild language, which is a bit bothersome, the violence is enough for me to say....NO.  Supposedly 'Christianity Today' magazine (which I'm on the fence about anyhow) has a curriculum using movies to reach out to teens.

What I'm seeing in parents and their children is a growing attitude involving a changing of the roles.  The kids are very strong-minded, with the parents the opposite, so the children are instructing their parents on how they want to grow up and not the other way around.  I see the parents as easily intimidated by their own children. What is UP with that?

And the language some of these kids spew out of their mouths.  Good grief.  In the church hallway, after church.  Are you kidding me?  One homeschooled girl was talking to middle daughter on Sunday after the service, and said a particular word within my hearing.  Our daughter winced at me as I turned around, and the girl just had a goofy expression on her face.   She thinks it's cool, I guess.  Well, it's not.  These girls need to be learning to be respectful and respectable young women, not loose-talking so and so's.

So I have issues with the whole attitude toward the young people at church. Nobody's leading them, but allowing the bad behavior and manners to flourish. Gary says to not criticize vocally unless I have a solution. Brother. I'm already helping teach the little children's SS.  I don't have all the answers, I realize, but there's a problem.

Don't get me started on their Facebook pages either.  Some folks weren't taught to have filters on their mouths.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say...

Well, no, the man who called Saturday about our truck for sale and said he'd call on Monday did not in fact call.  Second man who's said one thing and not followed through.  This seems to be a current problem with folks these days. They say what you want to hear, I guess not wanting to face your displeasure if you fuss at them.  Or maybe they don't know what they want.  Or maybe they're chicken.  Or possibly they're liars. Nah, that can't be it.

A neighbor asked for our boys to help them load a truck for pay.  This was Sunday.  Have we heard back as to when they need them?  No.  It was supposed to be on Monday or Tuesday.

I was offered schoolbooks from another neighbor over 2 weeks ago, and she said she'd get them to me the next day.  I called her last week (drumming fingers), reminding her that I needed to get my booklist in before September, or we'd be considered truants.  She called full of apologies a couple of days ago.

You might say I'm making much of out nothing, but I don't think so.  It's easy to allow people to make excuses.  To allow that life is so busy.  To give them an out which in fact proves their word means nothing.

We've tried to drum in our kids the importance of sticking to their word.  That if they promise a particular thing, that they follow through, even if it's uncomfortable.  Then you have no regrets.

I just get tired of getting my hopes up about a myriad of situations and not seeing the fruit of the promise. Where people used to say that 'their word is their bond' isn't the way of the world anymore, and I think that's sad.

At the finish line...

Okay, so you're going to regret having visited my blog today, because I have my rant pants on.

I don't have a clue as to what's going on, but it's clear that the Lord is at work.  I'm just not keen on how things are playing out.  My truck is dead (as you're aware). My laptop has, what appears to be, a fried motherboard.  I have one more serving of clothes soap and about 2 tablespoons of dish soap to finish out the day, and we're broke.  Not just sorta broke, but really broke.

One of our kids talked about someone the other day who mentioned how poor they were, but it wasn't our kind of broke.  They weren't able to indulge in a vacation or something to that effect, and were harping on the fact that they were unconvenienced.  I'd say that's not that awful of a predictament to be in.  Least you have grocery money.  And quickly I'll follow that to say that we always eat. Never fear.  Always food on the table, just sometimes a bit more unusual than I'd prefer.  The combinations can be startling.

Gary's busy working on two bookshelves for the church---they're doing a remodel of an area, which will be a gathering room sort of place, and he volunteered his time, and our youngest son's as well, to do coffers on the ceiling, which are amazing.  Just saying...he has been busy.

As for now, his phone is silent, but he has things for sale, including my truck.

I've heard it said that if your life is going swimmingly, then you're not on the evil one's radar, but if the opposite is true, be thankful.  You're doing something right. Well, the only thing I'm doing today is gripe, and not sure of the appropriateness of my mood.  I'm just tired of making do, while we wait for something to happen.

Like the women who wait to see if they're expecting a baby---every month waiting and watching.  Then crying when their wishes aren't answered.  Or like praying for someone to turn to the Lord and you wait and wait, and nothing seems to happen.  It's the not knowing that's such an effort.  P U.  I realize that's not a very prayerful attitude, but I'm human.  I'm allowed to show that side of myself.  It's the folks who always behave as if everything's fine that get to me.  It's okay to admit that life is hard.  You're not bad for feeling that way.

I did say to Gary last night, though, that I seem to be caught (this very minute) in a situation where I'm more drawn to what I think won't happen, than what I believe He can do.  I'm going to the dark place.  Maybe it's exhaustion.

Anyway, I know something will break.  It always does.  I tend to have to get to the place called surrender before He works.  Just having the ability to say, "Whatever.  It's in Your hands.  I give up.  You can have the house, the kids, my marriage, my refrigerator,  my kitchen cupboards, and all my stuff.  I ain't got nothing to fight with, so have at it."

So, now, let's sit back and watch.

Computer issues

Laptop sorta dead...will have to troubleshoot. Turns on, lights on the keyboard turn on, but it won't boot up. Writing this from my phone using my index finger. Not. fun. Just saying why I might be absent for a bit. Borrowing everyone else's computer doesn't appeal, but at least there's that!  I'll see you when I see you. :)

Another 'pass the cheese' moment...

I figure my blogging reputation is one of a person who, pretty much, tells it like it is.  Not looking for the pretty aspect of life, so much as the accurate one.  I take that back.  I'd prefer life not be so difficult so the darling stuff would outweigh the things that drive me nuts.  But as it is, and generally stays, we're cutting that idea close.

Got to thinking on things last night, or tried to.  I was sitting in the dark on the front porch, and it was cool and nice out there.  Then after about five minutes, our across-the-street neighbors decided to congregate out on their porch, talking VERY LOUD so that I could hear every word.  I just don't get that.  And when they get on the phone it's worse. Why people have to be so noisy I do not understand.  It's like they're competing for air time.

Well.  Then I figured I'd go out back and sit.  I've got it figured out that (have done this before) if the neighbors get loud, I can be in the backyard and our house sort of serves as a barrier, and I can't hear them so well.  So, here we go again.  With the dogs inside and the chickens all cooped up, that seemed appealing. That is, until the Pugs realized I was outside and they told oldest daughter to let them out. Okay fine.  They did their business and I put them back inside, and whattayaknow but 10 minutes later, they were pulling the same stunt though they'd asked a different child to open the door.  Clever.  I like spending time with them too, but all the time?  No.

I just wanted to be by myself.  It'd been a busy day anyhow with taking fourth son to the dental school.  We got out early there, which was a nice change, but still, we were out and about.  I do love being at home.  But even so, I like being here alone sometimes, which never happens anymore.

What a whiner.

I have a hard time being thankful when I'm frustrated.  And when I'm frustrated, it's difficult to see the blessings that are smack in front of my face.  Round and round I go.  And then I beat myself up about all of it, thinking that unless I hold my mouth right, the Lord will turn away from me.  That's not how He works, though.  Considering I can never hold it right, it's best to just avoid going there in my head.  Grace and mercy aren't performance-based gifts (an excellent tattoo idea---though it'd be rather large). Thank goodness for that (the grace and mercy part---not the tattoo).

So, that said, I'll continue to wait on the Lord.  He forgives my frustration, and even so, is there.  Just sometimes He's very, very silent.

Tuesday night

...a photo having nothing to do with the post

Dragging around the house today, hoping to get a rush of energy since second son bought me a new vacuum cleaner (which is purple and delightful), but to no avail.  Couldn't figure out why I was so exhausted after a good night's sleep, but oldest daughter hit the nail on the head and mentioned what she thought it was in a text today.  She and I had had a few short conversations last night (spaced out because it's so doggone hard to find quiet in this house) about her relationship with her boyfriend.  I was able to say some hard-hitting things to her I'd been mulling over, and she was a doll about listening.  She really is a wonderful person.

But I totally drained any energetic juices that might've been washing around in my body.  Emotional tiredness might be even more toxic than the physical sort.  I'd been thinking about what I told her for weeks and weeks, and I guess it was more cryptic than I'd first believed.  Wiped me out.  Just finally saying what I'd been thinking about for so long---that was the problem.

The real clue was when she and I were through talking last night and I was instantly and overwhelming tired. Just out of nowhere.

Add to that the fact that I'd been resting in bed prior to our chats and one by one, the kids came down to tell me things.  Chipping bits of me off here and there.  And I'm taking middle daughter to the dental school tomorrow morning to have her student doctor check the wires they put in her mouth a couple of months ago to move a tooth.  It'll take more time to drive there and back than to actually see him.  I really don't feel as cranky as I sound. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed.

These are the sorts of mothering episodes that wipe me out.  Just the small, constant things of life. Sometimes, though, I handle it better than others.