Grace, but longing for Mercy

~painting by lilian westcott hale

Oldest daughter just came in from having a date-night with her sweet Indian boyfriend.  They'd gone to an Italian restaurant east of here that's in an old house. They've been there several times, always enjoy it and she said that Gary and I ought to go there sometime. He and I were able to laugh at the same time.  That we were able to laugh was an improvement.  He told her we were under house arrest.  Seriously.  God is silent. Will we ever go out to eat again?!??!  Gary's getting tiny nibbles at the shop.  Or maybe I should say that his phone rings, but nobody follows through. It rang several times yesterday.  But that was yesterday.  Tithed?  Yes.  But you know, just tithing isn't enough.  If it was, then we'd have a slot machine God.  No thanks.  I'm more into the intimate relationship.  On our knees.  Absolutely.  Well, figuratively.  We both have shot knees. :)

Faith when it's tough is simply that.  Tough.  But if God says it's what He wants, then who am I to fuss?  And no, I don't always believe that.  Easy to say, hard to practice.  I do rail at times, but cautiously.  I don't think the Lord minds when I express myself to Him.  He knows I get rowdy and fed up.  He made me this way.

"Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise--the fruit of lips that openly profess His name."~ Hebrews 13:15

For me, to praise God Almighty when I don't have money to pay the bills.  When we're getting creative with feeding the chickens, and the milk jug gets close to empty.  When less gets to the point of being okay.  Do you hear me?  When I can praise God when I ain't got nothing.  And nothing for us is nothing.  Not the couple of hundred dollars in savings.  Savings?  When we have no idea how to pay the house note.  When we're slowly realizing how much we depend on our Father.  When He allows our supplies to dwindle.  Less of us and more of Him.  But we always eat. Always.

To me the sacrifice of praise is giving thanks for when I can't see what might happen....and even to thanking God when nothing happens.  That's a challenge.  It takes some time to get to that place. I don't have it mastered (and sometimes don't get there), but really, with the past few weeks being so darn hard, I can honestly say that I'm almost okay with that.  Huh.  Go figure. Check back this time tomorrow to see how I'm fairing.  My mood might fluctuate.  I feel strong this very minute, but don't hold your breath.

A few days ago, I neared blasphemy with doubting the existence of a God who cares.  I gnashed my teeth, cried and got angry.  Then it passed.  Came again.  Passed.

He does exist.  He cares.  He allows junk to happen so that He is glorified when He carries us, and when it's tough and then later on when He brings on the answers.  This very minute I believe that, and I'm going to hang on.  Hope it sticks.