[Daddy] said, "All children must look after their own upbringing." Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.~Anne Frank
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The quote above is in Michele Cushatt's book called Undone, which is probably the best book I've read all year. She tells how she's survived a divorce, a remarrying, a blended family, cancer, adoption, and everything in-between. But she tells it with such grace, and pain and lots of humility. I reviewed it here.
This morning I woke up thinking, "Oh great. The junk is still junk, and I've not been dreaming." Then, I kid you not, the Lord said in a very quiet voice, almost a whisper, "Get on Facebook." True story. Well, I got my phone out, logged in and the first thing I saw on my news feed was a post by Michele about a free 7-day email challenge. I read about it on the FB feed and signed up. The first note came immediately to my email box and it was spot on what I needed to hear. God knew. And to cap it off, she said she was sorry. I know she's talking to hundreds of women (and probably a sizable number of men) about their particular pains. The I'm sorry just cut me to the quick, though. I so needed to hear that. And on came the tears.
Now, the best part. She said to write it down. All the ugly stuff and all the pain. I'd just been talking to the Lord last night on my swing about how I needed to get mad. Doggone angry. So I did. On paper. So relieving. I'd not given myself permission to rail about this nonsense, have always held something back, thinking I was being unfaithful to my children. And still, I've had trouble accepting the reality. Surely not my kids. Huh. Nobody's holding them captive or for ransom. They're willing participants.
Gary's all eat up with this. We just mailed a birthday card to oldest son with a giftcard in it, and I stuck in a photo of him and me when he was a month old. Reminders of sweet times. Gary thanked me for buying it and getting it ready for all of us to sign (even though it'll be late getting to him), and said he knew my heart wasn't in it. Yeah, well. You gotta do what you gotta do. Some things are just right.
And now, life moves slowly. But here's the thing. Bills are getting late, money's tight, need work in the shop, but I feel so close to the Lord. He's right beside me. Inside of me. All around. Crying alongside of me. A comfort. He knows exactly where we are, has given authority for it to be this way....all the frustrations and hurts, but has provided rest as well. And sometimes I get to the place where I'm alright with that. If He says it's supposed to be this way, who am I to argue?
Yes, He's got this.
