The countdown begins...

The holidays, hold for me, stress that's not present at other times.  Tension that seems to pool in my chest.  Anxiety that seems necessary.  

I'm learning that my life has paths woven in it that are difficult, and it's hard sometimes to find a peaceful place in my heart, but I'm determined to find that place.  To not give in to the pressures that come at me from the outside of this house.  Fortunately this time, it's not about my children.  Something to celebrate.  But from my mother and her needs.  Her inability to communicate well enough, and her child-like forgetfulness.  It's hard.

To want a day for myself that doesn't feel the drag of need.  Of frustration.  Of not doing things well-enough.  Even in her stoke-laden brain, she presses me to do things that are more than what I can manage.  Demands, though small, are just one more thing.  The straw that breaks the camel's back.

I'm done.

Tomorrow I will hold up with my girls and bake.  Play Christmas music and vacuum and dust.  Sweep the kitchen floor.  Close out the world.  Maybe go to church for Thanksgiving's services.  Sit in the dim, candlelit and quiet atmosphere of church and drink in the silence.

My health demands that I place limits on my time.  To say no, and to say it frequently.  To be good enough.  

I worry that this anxiety with become a permanent guest.  No.  I have to separate myself from everything right now that doesn't bless me.  If that sounds selfish, then maybe more of us should be selfish.  Our lifestyles seem to draw too much life out of us.  And with tending to my mom, along with help from my family in this house, it's a drain.  Those who live out of town have no idea.  But I understand that.

Here at the very beginning of the holiday season, it's important to take care.  Self-care.  And I'm thinking I'm not the only one who needs to heed this.  You (me) are the only one who can.  If it's not life-threatening what's asked of you, maybe say no.  Life has the quality of texting now.  Do it now.  No.

(listening on Spotify to Ray Montagne's For the Summer and Adele's Hello)

Pre-Thanksgiving thoughts

Brief post.  Cut my little finger on my left hand while arranging the flowers at church yesterday... those secateurs are sharp.  Hard to type with a huge gob of gauze and tape on my finger. Sympathetic noises appreciated.

Bought all we needed for Thanksgiving dinner today, including a stop tonight at the dollar store for new glasses that actually match.  Little green stemware that ought to play off of our red/white transferware nicely.

Went out by myself yesterday after church, because I could, and knew the week would be busy.  Had a book I was going to get at the library, but found it and the rest of the matching trilogy at the library bookstore....Sigrid Undset's Kristin Lavransdatter series.  And Rosamunde Pilcher's Christmas book and two little Jan Karon children's Christmas books.  I'm consistently amazed at what I find there, and so inexpensive.  Best kept secret in town.

Well, tomorrow is cleaning and decorating for Thanksgiving Day.  Wednesday is Making Pie and Tearing Up White Bread for My Husband's Yankee Stuffing Day.  Tonight I rest.

Y'all take care.

Saturday night

Something acted up with our electricity on Friday, which may require my husband installing a new switch box (which he bought today), and it sent me into a panic, something that's easily done. Fell asleep last night in a totally fearful state.  I told my husband that my mind often goes to the place of the 'worst case scenerio' and he jokes that it must s*ck to be me.  Had to laugh.  He doesn't get this sort of fear, being able to blow things off.  But you know, rarely does that other shoe ever drop.  I should know this.

This morning as I was sitting having my tea with Violet the Pug in my lap, I spoke to the Lord about this dilemma of mine.  This fear. Visualized Him sitting near me, speaking such love.  Quieting my flying heart.  Do I even understand how He wishes me to not be so traumatized by such simple (and easily remedied) situations?  Probably not.  My stress level this year maxed out.  Guess this is normal.  Least for me until I get my mental health back.  We're working on it. 

* * *

Oldest daughter and I went out for the afternoon today, which was very healing.  Went to lunch and then to a small town just to the east of us.  One of the shops in the Town Square was having a sale and will be closing after the new year begins.  I was able to find some linens (two sets of cloth napkins and a tablecloth), and will give some of the brocade napkins to married son and his wife along with a decorating book for Christmas.  Love this sort of shopping.  I spent only nine dollars on these things.  Amazing.  Also got a Confederate Flag pin to wear on my denim jacket.  Quite honestly, it was my favorite purchase.

As we walked around the Square as we were ready to leave, we noticed a bluegrass band practicing in the gazebo, preparing for a wedding.  With both autumn and Christmas decorations round about, the green looked so pretty.  White folding chairs set up, the groomsmen in grey tuxes and bridesmaids wearing beautiful black dresses, it was all wonderfully festive.  And hopeful.  Though very windy!

* * *

Seems tomorrow will be the lull before the true busyness begins.  It's the last Sunday to have flowers to arrange because other women handle the Advent Poinsettias and altar decorating.  I'll have a break, which will be grand.  I enjoy doing the flowers, but time off will be nice---not ashamed to admit that.

Time to turn off my head.  Looking forward to Sunday.

(listening to You Are God Alone by the Women of Faith)

Friday morning

Gradually I'm taking out a few Christmas-like things.  Mostly books, but our dressed-in-pretend-fur Santa as well.  He stands about 15" or so, and he's the first decoration I put out.  

Anyway, in my search, I found the sweetest book in our lawyer's bookshelves.  This is a 1925 copy of The Essays of Elia, a book by Charles Lamb.  This one looks to be a student's copy, with lots of pencil marks in the front of it, but I don't know the person it belonged to, unless someone in my family is acquainted with a Sam H. Johnson.  I committed the huge sin of using some masking tape to mend some loose joints in the pages, but who's going to care?  It's not being sold, and I'm the only one who will read it.  Just needing something to get into that's settling.  Plus the book is the most adorable size at 5-1/2" x 4-1/2" and about 1-1/2" thick.  Nice brown cloth covers.  Apparently it's a book mentioned in  Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, which I read quite awhile back.  Don't remember though talk of the book.  I just want to walk around with it in my hands.  Sort of like the guy in The English Patient who carries around Herodotus' The Histories.

* * *

Home today.  For dinner it's Kale, Italian Sausage, Cannellini bean soup, without the Kale, using baby Lima Beans (which I love) instead.  Improvising.  Just couldn't get my head around buying Kale.  A little goes a long way.

Rest and washing bedsheets.  A good drying day.  More minor tidying.  A restful Friday.

Thursday noon

Today is one of those days I want to attempt to live more in the mindset of a Luddite (one who resists technology, etc).  I have a few books on hold at the library, two of them are ones by Mary Randolph Carter, who takes wonderful photos which celebrate the old and worn.  A personal mindset lately as I look at our house with new eyes.  Old and worn.  Yes, indeed.  Technology reminds me of the benefits of the perfect and sleek, which I'm not and don't live in at present. 

Banged up house trim, kitchen drawers that close only with a waggle, and drafty windows.  This is my life, and it's one that suits me.  Candles that warm up dark corners, drawn curtains in the evenings, and the curls of smoke from a hot cup of tea are settling, and very fitting for older houses.

I want to breathe deeply and just relax.  The holidays loom, with Thanksgiving only a week away, and many things yet to buy.  Making do with less in order to have the money to go around.  But it's do-able.  Have to focus on the comfort and chores of just this day, and avoid borrowing trouble.

One thing that seems to work for me is to keep busy for, say 20-30 minutes, then sit down.  Think about it and get up again after a few minutes.  On and off.  Work and rest.  Keeping a rapid pace just doesn't work for me, making me overtired before the job is done.  

After getting our schoolwork done today the younger girls and I will get some groceries.  Just a few.  Just enough for a day or two.  Easy dinners.  Cream for my tea (which I had to do without this morning, making me very sad), bread, makings for pizza now that the oven is fixed, maybe some soup.  

Quiet thoughts in the midst of the bustle which you can feel when you shop.  I won't give in.  I won't give in.  At least not yet.

Mid-week

Oddly enough, I believe the most excitement this week was on Monday night when the kids and I were shopping for my mom's groceries.  Was just passing by the frozen turkey display, saw about three over-twenty-pounders (Butterballs, no less) mixed in with the smaller birds and put a big one in the cart.  At 89 cents a pound, I thought that was a steal, especially since I'd read that the ones this large would be hard to find.  Sorta happy about that.  Will buy a smaller turkey to roast ahead of time on Thanksgiving Eve night, so's to have enough for leftovers and sandwiches.  

Actually, the best part of Thanksgiving dinner, to my way of thinking, is the day after.  Cold turkey on white bread with a dash of salt and mayonnaise is what I call delicious.  

* * *

Today is good.  Lots of wind yesterday, and last night just before the rain came, the wind was downright scary.  Gary and I sat on the front porch after dinner in the dark, watching the trees blow across the street, and I was mentally praying for God's protection. The tops of the trees were just whipping.  Our neighborhood is full of old oaks, as I've mentioned before, and we cringe and pray when it's stormy.

It's always amazing when the wind actually calms when you pray for the Lord to intervene when the weather is dangerous.  Maybe that's one reason, just one reason, that the Bible includes the story about Him calming the waters when the disciples were in the boat.  To prove He can and will do this.  And He still does.  I just shake my head.

Later last night we heard about trees falling on cars, and trees down along with wires---in our same part of town.  Thankfully nobody was hurt.  Now, I'm not getting cocky about this, but do credit the Lord with sparing us.  I'm no more special than anyone else, but the wind was outrageous.  I do understand the rain falls on the just and unjust.  But really, we do have the ability to ask for Him to intervene.  Either we just play the victim and give up to whatever the world shoves our way, or we ask for help.  I ask you, which is the wiser route?

* * *

Getting the house ready for company, even just my boys.  Want the house to sparkle for next week.  Having things done gradually allows for not-so-much-pulling-out-of-hair next week.  Dusting bookshelves, and all-around tidying up.  All pleasant when you're not rushed.

You take care.

Sunday afternoon

Took down the previous chicken post, being that I wrote it and published it on the day Paris suffered such tragedy.  After I published, I saw the news, then didn't feel so frivolous anymore.  Seemed heartless to talk about my bald hen while folks were hurting so badly.

But today is another day.  Painful for many, but must keep my perspective.

Drinking a cup of hot tea.  With the heat finally on inside---the house feels all comforting and cozy.  Figured it's time.  Got three boxes of Celestial Seasonings tea last week.  One is a Vanilla Chamomile (can't remember the official name of it or the next two), a Gingerbread and a Pumpkin Pie.  Very nice.  The Pumpkin is caffeinated, but the others are not.  I'll buy all three again (which never happens!) when we run out.  I'm not partial to seasonal teas with the smack of red hots in them (which these aren't), but all of these are very smooth and delicious.

* * *

Feeling all emotional today.  Two sons came by yesterday, and my heart feels such tugs.  Newly married son was one of our visitors and he's such a hot mess, but as my husband says, "He's just such a genuinely nice guy."  Which is true.  He's just not found his place in the world yet, but he's trying.  The effort is hard to watch, knowing he's got to find his way, and us not being able to do anything about it.  Not that we would, but we continue to hold him up.  He'll be fine, just may take awhile.  And it's not like I'm waiting for him to arrive, but I would like to see him turning to the church and the Lord once again.

And our son who lives with his boyfriend.  Talk about conflicting.  He seems to be very settled and grounded, but his lifestyle makes hearing about his life a bit mind-numbing.  It's perplexing.  Maybe of all our sons, this is the one I've spent the most time with, and I feel very, very close to him.  It's just odd.  Let me just say that.  Odd.

Cherishing the idea of this week being peaceable.  A bit of cleaning in preparation for Thanksgiving, and lots of rest.  Hope for all of us, we can enjoy this, the first major holiday of the season and not overdo.  Keep our heads where they need to be, without any unnecessary drama.  Again, it's all about perspective.

Take care.