Sunday night

Was reading T.S. Eliot's Four Quartets last night and while I'm a bit rusty on poetry lately, having only read Ted Kooser for any long while, it still gets to me.  I'll be reading along, and Eliot's use of words smacks me upside the head, causing me to cry.  I'm such a mess.

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And I've hurt my left knee, further aggravated by driving oldest daughter's stick shift, which had a new clutch recently installed on it.  Tight.  So my kneecap is wobbling a bit, and I'll have to do exercises to strengthen the muscles up.  Iced now, and therapy after it stops hurting.  Slows me down, though, which I need.  Forced stillness, that is, unless I need to hobble somewhere.

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In addition, just spent some time in tears for one of my oldest friends.  We've known one another since ninth grade.  Had just written her online tonight asking prayer for our Joseph, and she shared that her 'just graduated from high school' youngest daughter had moved in last night with her unsaved boyfriend and his mother.  What is wrong with people?  Young people in particular.  Just breaks my heart.  And I've been sharing with a sweet friend at church whose son is seriously dating an unbeliever.  Can't tear himself away from her.  Conflicted.  My friend and her husband are adamant about believers not being paired with those who don't know the Lord.  Recipe for disaster, either now or later.  There's a fight to win.  And not later.  Time to get rowdy with those demons who've got their claws in our children.

Listening to Mercy Me's newest CD.  It helps.

T. S. Eliot

So, the other day at the used library bookstore, I found the above-pictured book Lives of the Saints and thought it was pretty peachy.  Only $3, but I left without it.  Had only bought T.S. Eliot's Murder in the Cathedral ($1.50), and something for the girls, but was resisting further temptation.  Bought a couple of used books the night before somewhere else.  Addict.

Couldn't get the Saints book out my head (closet Catholic, remember), and went back today.  Also, was able to buy Eliot's Four Quartets for a buck, which our library doesn't have on the shelves (and really doesn't now with me having gotten the one at their bookstore).  You'd think they'd know.  I was able to load it on my Kindle the other day, but that's just not the same.  I like to have a hard copy and a pencil at hand.  

Anyway, finished Murder in the Cathedral last night, and all I can say is wow.  When a writer can get a feeling across that goes deeper than the print in front of you, that's a gift.  C.S. Lewis had it, as did George MacDonald. It's such a rare gift, that I rarely even see it expressed.

Got online to research Thomas Becket (who's the main character in the Cathedral book), and my new chubby Saints book was able to give me some more information.  Also, since the play talks about Saint's Days, which we Anglicans are on top of, I knew what was going on.  

Can I say for the upteenth time I love the Anglican church?  I do.  Really.  

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And it's raining---the first appreciable amount in over a month, least at our house.  And there's beef stew for dinner, and I might make a pan of shortbread later on.  I've already bought the flowers for the altar as well. A perfect evening.

What I think of the ice bucket challenge

I copied a graphic on my FB page that says, "What if the ice bucket challenge is a Catholic plot to baptize all non-believers."  Yes, made me laugh out loud.  Personally I think that's the best good to come out of the the challenge.  No, I'll take that back.   The money they've gained for ALS is marvelous.  I do take issue, however, with folks being so light-hearted about a disease that's awful in the worst sense.  I'd score it against cancer anyday, and not sure but cancer seems more appealing.

Some of you know about my neighbor, Lisa, who died from ALS back nearly 7 years ago (11-19-2007), and nothing has been the same since.  Maybe I sound dramatic, and don't mean to, but there are some events of a person's life that are so stunning that you don't survive them without scars.

If someone doesn't know upfront how awful ALS is, then I recommend listening closely to anyone who does.  Your body quits responding to what you want it to do.  Picking up things, making your feet behave, going to the bathroom and cleaning yourself off, dressing, getting up from a seated position, typing, talking, writing your name, fetching the mail, driving, walking outside in your own backyard, and all the while you're completely aware of what's happening.  There is no mental deterioration.  You see how your body is deceiving you and how folks have to help and you can't do a darn thing about it.  You're helpless.  Not paralyzed, but your muscles are gradually useless.

So while the nation gets all happy feeling about dumping ice water over their heads, I just shake mine.  Again, though, do donate.  Hopefully the money will be used appropriately.  But don't laugh.  It's horrendous.  To see celebrities patting themselves on the back over how cute they look all wet---well, it makes me want to slap someone.

The best thing, though, to come out of my neighbor's illness and death (for me) was meeting and loving her sister, who came here from California to nurse her.  We grew close and she's like the best sort of sister to me.  God blesses even in the midst of pain.  Good out of bad.  And for that I'm thankful.

Reading list

Finished Middlemarch---my grand achievement of the summer, which trumps my survival of mothering these past few months.  I had a goal, and I reached it.  And I'm thinking it's the longest book I've ever read.  Tried War and Peace, and enjoyed what I read---even laughed at parts of it, some of the characters are laugh out loud funny---but put it down.  As to whether I enjoyed Middlemarch, yes I did, but George Eliot is very long-winded.  She writes in my favorite period, but I became bored with some of her endless chatter.  She does have a gift, however, for being very specific in her personality depictions, and she gets into folks' heads very thoroughly.  No further explanations necessary, but she is sort of magical that way.  I bow to her talent, which is very obvious.  I give it five stars since it's stood the test of time, and was definitely worth reading.  No higher praise necessary.

And went to a used bookstore last night, and today at the library's bookstore.  I'd already downloaded TS Eliot's Four Quartets and put it on my Kindle the other night.  Got a real copy of his Murder in the Cathedral, which precedes it.  We'll see how intelligent I feel while working on that baby.  Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.  And last night got Alexandra Stoddard's Gracious Living in the New World ($3) which is about finding quiet and peace in the technological age we live in.  Seemed appropriate for me, plus picked up a beautiful paperback copy of Laurel's Kitchen Recipes to go with the bread book of hers I already own.  And---the new copy of Romantic Homes magazine, my best treat.  It's been a dog's age since I've bought a new magazine.  Used to be a favorite past-time, but with so many of my favorites going out of business, this was fun to buy.

On the down side, got library books on Physics and Trigonometry, which youngest son (who graduates next spring) will have to do.  Science and math.  Huh.  Prefer English and Grammar.  What I said about the knife in the drawer.  

Also in the pile from the library When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd and The Cloud of Unknowing which is on my Kindle as well, but a hard copy is nice to flip through.  Strength for the Moment is another one (about caregiving), and Down the Rabbit Hole, about children's literature.  Just trying to get into the school swing of things.  Grateful for a holiday weekend, then it's down to work. :)

Home thoughts

Have gotten a lot done today, which seems to be my personal litmus test as to whether I'm a worthy human being.  Woke up at a reasonable time....and trying to relish the last few days before school starts here on Tuesday.  Sleep is good.  Melatonin is a blessing.

Made 8 bottles of tinctures including an Elderberry, Chasteberry, and Lemon Balm.  The Elderberry has been my go-to healer when any sniffles or fever comes calling.  Works every time.  Brilliant stuff.  

Now cake is baking, and middle daughter will mix up some yeast rolls in a bit.  Making Julia Child's Potato/Leek soup that's mentioned in Julie and Julia.  Was reading that last weekend, skittering past the $%@# that comes repeatedly.  Do folks really cuss that much, and in the company of just about anyone?  Call me naive.  Anyway, reading about that potato soup made me hungry, even though the leeks yesterday at the store were $2.69/lb., which is awful, especially considering that 3 leeks all wrapped in an elastic was about 2-3/4 pounds themselves.  Seriously?  But, since I got 3 bags of those yummy yellow potatoes for a buck a bag (5# each), can't complain overmuch.  The savings on those counteracts the expense of the leeks.

Do you see a pattern here?  Seems I have to justify my actions, sort of having to earn a treat (the leeks) by making a sacrifice in another way.  Case in point:  My brothers, who have very little to do with my mom now since she's leveled off since her stroke, have told me to pay myself about a monthly $200-250 for what I do for her.  Okay, fine.  I appreciate it and tend to just let her buy me groceries a bit every visit.  It pans out.  BUT.  But.  I get all het up when I get too close to that amount, or if her bank balance gets a bit lower than I'm comfortable with (property taxes due this month, and still hammering out her hospital bills).  The thing is, she always has money, and I'm very cautious.  But I feel guilty using her money, even though everyone (including her) knows I'm doing it.  

I need to give myself a bit, fat break.  The girls just shake their heads at me, as they should.

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About to read more of Middlemarch.  After dragging myself through that book this summer, I'm finally in the home stretch.  My copy has 811 pages, and I'm on page 697 now.  Finally it's coming together with some romances either under fire, or in the throes of something-or-other.  I'm not sure how they'll all end, and without cheating, should be finished by tomorrow night.  Had given myself the summer to finish it, and am right on time.

Will go now.  Need to turn off the sprinkler.  It's dry as can be here, and have had the water on in the backyard.  The chickens are sort of scared of it, but it does bring some coolness to their run.  Take care all.

Sunday night

~sweetness, whoever they are 

Last week before school starts in our little village, the day after Labor Day.  Need to make it count.  Frankly, this summer has been a bit like our preceding spring and winter.  HARD.  Lots of personal drama in our house, and in my mom's.  I'd relish a bit of time without the constant surprises.  Just plain living would be a nice change.  No excitement, or if excitement, of the happy variety.  That'd be acceptable.

Boring stuff.  A clean house.  Good food to eat.  Piles of books.  Healthy kids.  No evil spirits messing up the works.  Maybe some cooler days.  Just an ordinary week.  No raised voices.  Sounds like my brand of bliss.

Speaking of cooler.  It was darn hot today and I put two frozen 2-liter plastic bottles laying flat underneath the chickens' roosting perch for the night.  They'd been sitting there with their little wings held out from their bodies, a sure sign of overheating.  Had the ingenious brainstorm of putting the bottles underneath them, so that the cool air will waft up to them.  I remember when our kids were small they'd take a frozen bottle (wrapped up in a towel) to bed with them.  The opposite of a hot water bottle.  So smart.

Now will toddle off.  Second son will be home from the restaurant soon and he's asked me to cut his hair.  It's 10:30pm now.  Why am I telling you all these things?

But as I said....ordinary.  It's what I want.

Saturday night

Listening to music (Daughtry...love them).  Tired from a seemingly long week, and grateful for the weekend.  I was thinking earlier that it seems that there's so much to get through from Sunday to Sunday.  It's like much more than 6 days pass between Lord's Days.  But we have things to be thankful for since last week.

Speaking of Sunday, I bought 3 dozen roses for the young man's birthday tomorrow.  The altar will have red, brilliant yellow and a yellow/red rose as well.  A dozen of each.  The mixed color is yellow on the outside of the flower, and red in the center.  So pretty.

And as to blessings...oldest daughter bought the car we went to look at last night.  Wonderful situation all around.  The Lord has really watched over/guided her, and it appears that the sweet Mexican gentleman she bought it from is a believer.  Such a love.  The whole issue of her truck being stolen, her getting an extended rental, which wasn't even in her policy (it was a gift), and finally finding this gem.  And she only had to pay $150 of her own money to purchase it outright, her payment from the insurance company (Geico) was so generous. Cool all around.  And even though it took several weeks of looking, it was worth the wait.  Now she's got to learn to drive a stick---which is my personal favorite.  It'll be fun to teach her, and I'll get to borrow it. :)

Finally, with the world in major flux, I just don't have it in me to wrestle anymore.  Health issues with one son's waywardness left me drained.  Now I'm fine, but feel sort of delicate.  And had fallen into some anemia again, so boosted up my iron, and am resting more. In days past, women took care of themselves when a situation would arise.  They would indulge in more self-care than we accept at present. An old-fashioned mindset, but one that's valid.  One that we should reconsider nowadays.

Now will go.  Second son will be here soon to eat on his way home to his apartment.  He's preaching at the inner-city church, and is taking on more responsibility, which we're concerned for.  He's of a servant spirit, but has difficulty saying 'no' when it's appropriate. As a result, he's usually exhausted.  Prayers for my Jacob appreciated.

Take care all.  Have a sweet Sabbath.

Reading and letting go of some stuff...

Went out for dinner with my main squeeze last night...had been a very long while, and afterward we went to a nearby used bookstore.  I found Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies, that my sweet friend, Bonnie, had strongly recommended.  Granted, I've been cautious about Lamott (though I've read a couple of her books), mainly because I'm pretty tight in my attitude about some things, and profanity is one of them.  Lamott is free with her tongue, but when you get where she's coming from, it's not so startling.

Okay, fast forward.  I read up to page 80-something last night and felt like I could finally exhale.  About my life.  She's got a gift for writing from the heart, no holding back, and that was somehow so refreshing.  And I laughed.  My goodness, did I laugh.  Actually laughed so hard that Gary put down his phone (he was reading Hamlet, and couldn't concentrate with me making the waterbed rock so much). And cried, but mostly nodded my head in total agreement.  I felt blessed.  It was like I'd taken the very best anti-depressant known to man (which would probably be good for me on an ordinary day), and it spoke to my spirit as well. Funny how God has chosen all sort of folks to be His followers.  We're not all Republican, right-wing, homeschoolers now, are we?  Yes, He definitely gets the last laugh, as is appropriate.

Reminded me that I could try less hard to live my life.  I'm usually so angsty and wound up.  Read an email this morning from a site I subscribe to (Marian Vischer), and it hits the nail on the head as well.  I believe the Lord is speaking to me and providing several ways for me to find myself again.  Very settling.  I'm not supposed to be running around in a tizzy all the time, but am meant to be enjoying my life as well.  Do you think?  Joy, perhaps?  Plus I feel relief when women talk about the messy parts.  I got lots of that.

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For the rest of this hot, hot, hot day will go do Mom's shopping (did I mention that Gary's Suburban doesn't have air conditioning that works?), wash her car (which just sits), hose off carport, mop kitchen floor, clean bathrooms, vacuum, bang head against table, help her bathe, roll her hair (glad I have help for all of this).....then, the fun part is going with Gary to meet oldest daughter and sweet Indian boyfriend to look at a car for her possibly to buy.  That's worth all the work I have to get through beforehand.  

The rest of the weekend should be low-key.  Buying flowers for the altar tomorrow to celebrate a birthday, and that's about it for my have-to's.  Will finish the Lamott as well.  All good.

Wednesday

~from tumblr via pinterest, unknown photographer

Went to the movies last night with oldest daughter and saw 'The Hundred Foot Journey' which was magical.  I actually almost cried while I was watching it because it was so restful.  A bit of peace in what's become a maddening life.  And with our very own sweet Indian boyfriend, I could totally relate to the Indian aspect of the movie.  Our daughter had already seen it with him, and she said it was funny how he nodded his head at the entire show. :)

Anyway....

Came home, husband was jazzed about something (not worth getting into here), and the two youngest girls were chatty and wanting to share, and oldest daughter broke down and cried in her room....exhausted at the car search, which had turned up fruitless so far. I had to go out on the porch (humid as all get-out) for a bit of silence.  My brain can't handle endless noise and busyness.

Plus, second son, who goes to an inner-city church downtown has been asked to stand in for the pastor, who's possibly going to go to prison for a situation that relates to his past.  Not pretty.  Gary says our son should run and run as fast as his legs will take him, but our son has his heart in with some of the parishioners, and is being very cautious.  He doesn't want the pastor's position (thank the Lord for that), but he's torn anyway.  His preacher expects him to jump at the chance, and has been grooming him for the job, but (by the way, it's without pay...huh) our son has never felt led to pastor a church, so not sure where his preacher got that idea. Just one more thing...we've had several talks about it, and the talking needs to stop and our son needs to act.

Caution to those who want lots of kids...space them apart if possible so that their drama in life doesn't overlap too much.  We're a bit swamped here.

Now off to do some reading, and hopefully find some restful pictures to look at.  Beauty sounds like a good topic to get into just now. My Tumblr is calling me.....

What she said...

Just an update.  I've deleted some posts here (and a couple of sweet friends have reminded me that they're still available on readers, which is sorta stinky), not because of fear that my kids will read them....they leave my blog alone, if they even know it exists.  It's more that I'm so dreadfully transparent, and got a bit antsy late last night with being too honest about what goes on here.  Part of me thinks it's a good thing to be so open, but another part fears being judged in my honesty.

I mean c'mon, I'm talking about marking doorways, unwelcome spirits that have been in our house, morally wayward children, etc. Heady stuff.  The sorts of things that cause folks to look at you sideways, especially if they've not experienced it.

I've always been distrustful of blogs that only show the pretty parts of life...the eternally tidy house, the well-behaved kids, the husband who's the best husband ever.  Ick.

And it's not shame that I'm talking about.  Sorry our kid is messed up, but I totally expect him to straighten up eventually.  Might take about ten years to get there (that's how long it took my husband---before my time), but will pray expecting it.

While I'm not uncomfortable sharing our family's short-comings, maybe I need to be a bit more cautious.  I'm talking about folks I love, so some restraint might be in order.

Comments are closed on this particular post.  Not expecting anyone to make me feel better.  Just putting a period on my thoughts.

Pretty afternoon light today

~romeo's ears in front of chair

~daisy w/ opal in background

~violet

Thursday afternoon

A little rain just now.  Hoping for more since the plants all need deep watering.  It's a teaser, though.  Lots of thunder, but just a good sprinkle.  Settled the dust, but not much else.  More please.

As in the shop.  A little work, and good timing for a bill needing to be paid.  But more deep watering would be lovely there as well. One of Gary's regular customers has a container (read:  18 wheeler trailer) coming in in the next week or two and there will be repair work for him to do, including re-working a couple of armoires.  They regularly go on trips to England to bring back antiques, and this shipment will be more of the same.  Not actually praying for busted stuff, but it's nice when it happens. :)

Saw the fat girl sparrow out back while I was hurriedly bringing the clothes back in from the lines, before the rain hit.  We usually talk for the birds (and pugs) in high-pitched voices, and this sparrow is no exception.  Southern accents as well.  "I'm just sitting heaw wid the tittens eating yum pieces of bwead."  You get it.  She's so doggone cute.  Never flies away, but sits there all fat and adorable.  And the chickens don't even scare her off as they used to do when they were younger.  Sometimes the sparrows will fly out of the coop when we surprise them.  It's not that big!  No nest building, please.

Have been resting in bed.  Tired, but it's okay.  Letting the house go a bit, and just giving my body and mind a bit of time to do nothing. So necessary.

Now got to go rustle up some dinner, from whatever bits and pieces I can find.  Some of this and that.  Not a clue as to what we'll end up with on our plates.  Still early, though, so don't have to do much yet.  It'll eat, whatever it is, that's for sure.

Take care, all.

Blessings

I tell the kids that I know personally that God is Who He says He is by the work of the Holy Spirit in my life.  The internal knowledge of His touch.  The comfort I feel after a deep prayer-time.  Even this morning I had brought my tea tray back to bed, and afterward was praying---just pouring my heart out.  Just before that I'd watched this darling little sparrow in the chicken yard.  It's a fat one, very tame and just sits there and either eats the chickens' feed, or nibbles on the bread I toss out there.  Not skittish at all.  Well, after I'd prayed, I went out there again because Anastasia was fussing about having laid her egg.  She was loud, as usual.

Sadly, there was a dead sparrow in the large bowl of water we leave out for the dogs.  I was too late to save it.

I buried it, came back in and cried some more.  Told the Lord that that was the crowning moment for a pretty lousy mood.  Instantly I was reminded of the verses we all know about the sparrows.

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father.  And even the vary hairs of your head are all numbered.  So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."~Matthew 10:29-31

He could do what he wanted to with the sparrow.  They're all His.  I see it that he used one of them to bless me, even with a sacrifice.  Thankfully, we saw the tame sparrow later on, at least the girls did.  Sorry one died, but it hurt more to think it was the little fat one who I'd grown attached to.

And I was just telling Bonnie that I can feel prayers being sent up for our family.  I can feel the joy a bit once again. God is faithful.  Thank you so much.