'One More Step' by Rachel Mojo

Sometimes you read a book and a particular emotion or thought stays with you.  Might be good, or the opposite, but still, something lingers.  With Rachel Mojo's book, One More Step---the taste left is a sweetness.

She's lived through a lot of pain, including a failed marriage, a marriage to another believer no less, to a man who appeared to just let go, yet even great effort couldn't save it.  She has a daughter with a life-limiting disease, which maybe more than anything else in her life has lent her that sweetness.  She's not bitter, but worn and sensitive to others who have experienced or are living through disappointments.  Those times when life surprises, and not in a good way.

One thing that struck me more than anything else was this:  In the discussion questions she asks, "Have you ever received permission from a friend to ache freely?  If so, how did it make you feel?"

I find that awesome and a bit sad.  We tend to stuff our pain inside, not sharing, being ashamed of what we live with.  Rachel tells us to not feel bad about what God allows, but to grow with it.  She speaks of a word she heard Him speak to her:

"Girl, when you feel like giving up, that is definitely not the time to give up.  When you feel like giving up, that is when you need to rely on my strength and remember my promises.  The feeling of wanting to give up is temporary; the joy you seek is permanent.  True joy is not relevant to physical location or type of service.  True joy can be found only in me."

(i received this book to review from blogging for books)

'Lay it Down' by Bill Tell

Bill Tell, a former VP with the Navigators, suffered a major breakdown just prior to a 4-day missions conference held away from his home.  His wife went to that day's services, and he stayed behind in their friend's guest bedroom, hoping the anxiety would pass.  Nonetheless, he went to the evening's service, but only felt worse.  He was terrified.  The anxiety didn't go away, and he spent the next ten months going to doctors, taking anti-depressant medicines---anything to help the situation.

Finally, with the help of a respected Christian counselor, Bill was able to find relief.  

The bottom line was that he had lived his whole life trying to please others, and was never able to believe he was good enough---thinking he was of less worth than those he ministered to.  There was no peace or victory, just pain.

I was encouraged that a man in such a place of responsibility was willing to share this story.  Folks go around with a game face on, pretending to be able to manage, all the while dying inside.  He goes into great detail about events in his childhood provided part of the pattern of self-hate, if you want to call it that.

In the book, he goes through steps of recovery. He says, "I would figure out everyone's expectations of me, and I would meet and surpass every one.  I would be everything people wanted and approved of.  Little did I know it would lead me straight into captivity, the captivity of being a people-pleaser."

He stresses Romans 8:1 which says, "There is....no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

"...some of us punish ourselves for the sins we commit, sometimes continuing to do so for years. We feel we deserve to be the victim of our sins, to feel bad, to be punished, so we wage war on ourselves, beating ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually.....We demean ourselves.  Sometimes we try to earn God's love back by doing something meritorious, sacrificial, or heroic."

Exactly.  Lay it Down is a wonderful book for those of us who fit the 'not good enough' profile.

(i received this book free to review from tyndale)

The day after...

Everyone who works outside the house is away from home now.  Husband at his shop, and oldest daughter at the bookstore.  Youngest son, who's house-sitting some church friends over the holiday, is here.  He sleeps there and then we pick him up noon-ish, he spends the day, then goes back after dinner.  Pretty lucrative gig.

The girls are quiet.  Middle one is writing quotes in one of her notebooks and listening to music and the least is watching The Secret Garden.  I'm roasting a thirteen pound turkey (just a baby), as opposed to the 21 pounder from yesterday.  After the boys took home leftovers, it was, pretty much, picked over.  Today's is just for us.  Making another smaller pan of stuffing as well.  We're kind of greedy turkey eaters.

Son who has a male companion texted a photo of his full plate to him, and he asked if our son could bring some leftovers home.  I had to laugh.  They'd been to the other boy's mom's house for lunch earlier in the day, and our son came here for dinner.  Trying to, at least, get my head around him having a boyfriend.  Man, it's hard.  Makes you cock your head, saying, HUH?  Anyway, I fixed a plate to take to him.  I admit, we do a bang-up Thanksgiving table.  My mother's heart wants to invite him to our Christmas dinner, but not sure what my husband would say to me even bringing it up.  My husband did crack a smile when I shared about our son's young man wanting the leftovers.  He is someone's son, just as our boy is.

Wisdom is often so elusive.

Yesterday was a blessing.  Really.  All the boys in town came for dinner, and we got a call from son in California.  Everyone here seemed to have a good time---nothing much to add.  No drama.  Much prayer offered up beforehand.  Hard to sit still after they left, knowing their lives are such a worldly wasteland.  Married son and his wife delivered house-sitting son to his destination after our meal, and when they'd left, the girls said married son had been drinking before he got here.  Thankfully, his wife drove them when they left.  I'll tell you----our kids are so curious about what's out there and sometimes don't seem to want to rein it in.  We're tee-totallers at our house (husband's past makes us so), and to even think about drinking is out of our frame of reference.  

Turning off my brain.  The rest of the day should be nice and restful.  Window's up, sprinkling outside.  Thinking we won't get any cold weather.  Folks just west of us are getting ice, but I believe we'll be spared that.  Thankful for that and many things.  

Hope you're well.  Take care.

A brief, quiet moment

~milk giving me the death stare

Milk, chicken of my heart, is now molting and has a big bare spot on her duff.  She just waddles around like everything's fine, which is wonderful.  In strict contrast to Anastasia who appeared to be suffering from a stroke.  She'd have to trace alongside the coop fence to get where she was going, since she couldn't run in a straight line.  Thankfully she's fine now.  Must mess with their nervous systems, all that feather dropping.  (The above-photo is from last week, when Anastasia would get trapped in the corners of the yard, indicated, and when Milk was still gorgeous.)

House is relatively tidy.  The girls have been awesome.  The least one polished our sweet collection of silver (all from my dear friend, Tina, but about three serving pieces and a fork and some knives from my grandparents), a job she loved.  Middle daughter has spent the last two days freshening up the paint in our 'only' bathroom.  Sixty plus years of yuck in that room, which has always been a major eyesore.  We're only the third owners of this house, but the second owners were self-improvement junkies, sadly they were amateurs.  Plastered 12" ceiling tiles indiscriminately, put up paneling (which we immediately painted over) and hung Masonite on the bathroom walls.  Still, I love the house, but like all of us, it has its flaws.  Tall son, the one in California, remarked on the bathroom ceiling last time he was in town, which has the tiles.  They're coming loose around the fan, and he said they looked about to fall.  I reminded him that they've been doing that for years.  And if they fall, they'll fall softly.

Not on my radar.

Resting now.  Scrambled eggs and buttered toast for dinner.  Church service.  The girls will make pies when we get back home.  We're on a roll, and I ain't lettin' nothin' get me down.

Take care all.

The countdown begins...

The holidays, hold for me, stress that's not present at other times.  Tension that seems to pool in my chest.  Anxiety that seems necessary.  

I'm learning that my life has paths woven in it that are difficult, and it's hard sometimes to find a peaceful place in my heart, but I'm determined to find that place.  To not give in to the pressures that come at me from the outside of this house.  Fortunately this time, it's not about my children.  Something to celebrate.  But from my mother and her needs.  Her inability to communicate well enough, and her child-like forgetfulness.  It's hard.

To want a day for myself that doesn't feel the drag of need.  Of frustration.  Of not doing things well-enough.  Even in her stoke-laden brain, she presses me to do things that are more than what I can manage.  Demands, though small, are just one more thing.  The straw that breaks the camel's back.

I'm done.

Tomorrow I will hold up with my girls and bake.  Play Christmas music and vacuum and dust.  Sweep the kitchen floor.  Close out the world.  Maybe go to church for Thanksgiving's services.  Sit in the dim, candlelit and quiet atmosphere of church and drink in the silence.

My health demands that I place limits on my time.  To say no, and to say it frequently.  To be good enough.  

I worry that this anxiety with become a permanent guest.  No.  I have to separate myself from everything right now that doesn't bless me.  If that sounds selfish, then maybe more of us should be selfish.  Our lifestyles seem to draw too much life out of us.  And with tending to my mom, along with help from my family in this house, it's a drain.  Those who live out of town have no idea.  But I understand that.

Here at the very beginning of the holiday season, it's important to take care.  Self-care.  And I'm thinking I'm not the only one who needs to heed this.  You (me) are the only one who can.  If it's not life-threatening what's asked of you, maybe say no.  Life has the quality of texting now.  Do it now.  No.

(listening on Spotify to Ray Montagne's For the Summer and Adele's Hello)

Pre-Thanksgiving thoughts

Brief post.  Cut my little finger on my left hand while arranging the flowers at church yesterday... those secateurs are sharp.  Hard to type with a huge gob of gauze and tape on my finger. Sympathetic noises appreciated.

Bought all we needed for Thanksgiving dinner today, including a stop tonight at the dollar store for new glasses that actually match.  Little green stemware that ought to play off of our red/white transferware nicely.

Went out by myself yesterday after church, because I could, and knew the week would be busy.  Had a book I was going to get at the library, but found it and the rest of the matching trilogy at the library bookstore....Sigrid Undset's Kristin Lavransdatter series.  And Rosamunde Pilcher's Christmas book and two little Jan Karon children's Christmas books.  I'm consistently amazed at what I find there, and so inexpensive.  Best kept secret in town.

Well, tomorrow is cleaning and decorating for Thanksgiving Day.  Wednesday is Making Pie and Tearing Up White Bread for My Husband's Yankee Stuffing Day.  Tonight I rest.

Y'all take care.

Saturday night

Something acted up with our electricity on Friday, which may require my husband installing a new switch box (which he bought today), and it sent me into a panic, something that's easily done. Fell asleep last night in a totally fearful state.  I told my husband that my mind often goes to the place of the 'worst case scenerio' and he jokes that it must s*ck to be me.  Had to laugh.  He doesn't get this sort of fear, being able to blow things off.  But you know, rarely does that other shoe ever drop.  I should know this.

This morning as I was sitting having my tea with Violet the Pug in my lap, I spoke to the Lord about this dilemma of mine.  This fear. Visualized Him sitting near me, speaking such love.  Quieting my flying heart.  Do I even understand how He wishes me to not be so traumatized by such simple (and easily remedied) situations?  Probably not.  My stress level this year maxed out.  Guess this is normal.  Least for me until I get my mental health back.  We're working on it. 

* * *

Oldest daughter and I went out for the afternoon today, which was very healing.  Went to lunch and then to a small town just to the east of us.  One of the shops in the Town Square was having a sale and will be closing after the new year begins.  I was able to find some linens (two sets of cloth napkins and a tablecloth), and will give some of the brocade napkins to married son and his wife along with a decorating book for Christmas.  Love this sort of shopping.  I spent only nine dollars on these things.  Amazing.  Also got a Confederate Flag pin to wear on my denim jacket.  Quite honestly, it was my favorite purchase.

As we walked around the Square as we were ready to leave, we noticed a bluegrass band practicing in the gazebo, preparing for a wedding.  With both autumn and Christmas decorations round about, the green looked so pretty.  White folding chairs set up, the groomsmen in grey tuxes and bridesmaids wearing beautiful black dresses, it was all wonderfully festive.  And hopeful.  Though very windy!

* * *

Seems tomorrow will be the lull before the true busyness begins.  It's the last Sunday to have flowers to arrange because other women handle the Advent Poinsettias and altar decorating.  I'll have a break, which will be grand.  I enjoy doing the flowers, but time off will be nice---not ashamed to admit that.

Time to turn off my head.  Looking forward to Sunday.

(listening to You Are God Alone by the Women of Faith)

Friday morning

Gradually I'm taking out a few Christmas-like things.  Mostly books, but our dressed-in-pretend-fur Santa as well.  He stands about 15" or so, and he's the first decoration I put out.  

Anyway, in my search, I found the sweetest book in our lawyer's bookshelves.  This is a 1925 copy of The Essays of Elia, a book by Charles Lamb.  This one looks to be a student's copy, with lots of pencil marks in the front of it, but I don't know the person it belonged to, unless someone in my family is acquainted with a Sam H. Johnson.  I committed the huge sin of using some masking tape to mend some loose joints in the pages, but who's going to care?  It's not being sold, and I'm the only one who will read it.  Just needing something to get into that's settling.  Plus the book is the most adorable size at 5-1/2" x 4-1/2" and about 1-1/2" thick.  Nice brown cloth covers.  Apparently it's a book mentioned in  Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, which I read quite awhile back.  Don't remember though talk of the book.  I just want to walk around with it in my hands.  Sort of like the guy in The English Patient who carries around Herodotus' The Histories.

* * *

Home today.  For dinner it's Kale, Italian Sausage, Cannellini bean soup, without the Kale, using baby Lima Beans (which I love) instead.  Improvising.  Just couldn't get my head around buying Kale.  A little goes a long way.

Rest and washing bedsheets.  A good drying day.  More minor tidying.  A restful Friday.

Thursday noon

Today is one of those days I want to attempt to live more in the mindset of a Luddite (one who resists technology, etc).  I have a few books on hold at the library, two of them are ones by Mary Randolph Carter, who takes wonderful photos which celebrate the old and worn.  A personal mindset lately as I look at our house with new eyes.  Old and worn.  Yes, indeed.  Technology reminds me of the benefits of the perfect and sleek, which I'm not and don't live in at present. 

Banged up house trim, kitchen drawers that close only with a waggle, and drafty windows.  This is my life, and it's one that suits me.  Candles that warm up dark corners, drawn curtains in the evenings, and the curls of smoke from a hot cup of tea are settling, and very fitting for older houses.

I want to breathe deeply and just relax.  The holidays loom, with Thanksgiving only a week away, and many things yet to buy.  Making do with less in order to have the money to go around.  But it's do-able.  Have to focus on the comfort and chores of just this day, and avoid borrowing trouble.

One thing that seems to work for me is to keep busy for, say 20-30 minutes, then sit down.  Think about it and get up again after a few minutes.  On and off.  Work and rest.  Keeping a rapid pace just doesn't work for me, making me overtired before the job is done.  

After getting our schoolwork done today the younger girls and I will get some groceries.  Just a few.  Just enough for a day or two.  Easy dinners.  Cream for my tea (which I had to do without this morning, making me very sad), bread, makings for pizza now that the oven is fixed, maybe some soup.  

Quiet thoughts in the midst of the bustle which you can feel when you shop.  I won't give in.  I won't give in.  At least not yet.

Mid-week

Oddly enough, I believe the most excitement this week was on Monday night when the kids and I were shopping for my mom's groceries.  Was just passing by the frozen turkey display, saw about three over-twenty-pounders (Butterballs, no less) mixed in with the smaller birds and put a big one in the cart.  At 89 cents a pound, I thought that was a steal, especially since I'd read that the ones this large would be hard to find.  Sorta happy about that.  Will buy a smaller turkey to roast ahead of time on Thanksgiving Eve night, so's to have enough for leftovers and sandwiches.  

Actually, the best part of Thanksgiving dinner, to my way of thinking, is the day after.  Cold turkey on white bread with a dash of salt and mayonnaise is what I call delicious.  

* * *

Today is good.  Lots of wind yesterday, and last night just before the rain came, the wind was downright scary.  Gary and I sat on the front porch after dinner in the dark, watching the trees blow across the street, and I was mentally praying for God's protection. The tops of the trees were just whipping.  Our neighborhood is full of old oaks, as I've mentioned before, and we cringe and pray when it's stormy.

It's always amazing when the wind actually calms when you pray for the Lord to intervene when the weather is dangerous.  Maybe that's one reason, just one reason, that the Bible includes the story about Him calming the waters when the disciples were in the boat.  To prove He can and will do this.  And He still does.  I just shake my head.

Later last night we heard about trees falling on cars, and trees down along with wires---in our same part of town.  Thankfully nobody was hurt.  Now, I'm not getting cocky about this, but do credit the Lord with sparing us.  I'm no more special than anyone else, but the wind was outrageous.  I do understand the rain falls on the just and unjust.  But really, we do have the ability to ask for Him to intervene.  Either we just play the victim and give up to whatever the world shoves our way, or we ask for help.  I ask you, which is the wiser route?

* * *

Getting the house ready for company, even just my boys.  Want the house to sparkle for next week.  Having things done gradually allows for not-so-much-pulling-out-of-hair next week.  Dusting bookshelves, and all-around tidying up.  All pleasant when you're not rushed.

You take care.

Sunday afternoon

Took down the previous chicken post, being that I wrote it and published it on the day Paris suffered such tragedy.  After I published, I saw the news, then didn't feel so frivolous anymore.  Seemed heartless to talk about my bald hen while folks were hurting so badly.

But today is another day.  Painful for many, but must keep my perspective.

Drinking a cup of hot tea.  With the heat finally on inside---the house feels all comforting and cozy.  Figured it's time.  Got three boxes of Celestial Seasonings tea last week.  One is a Vanilla Chamomile (can't remember the official name of it or the next two), a Gingerbread and a Pumpkin Pie.  Very nice.  The Pumpkin is caffeinated, but the others are not.  I'll buy all three again (which never happens!) when we run out.  I'm not partial to seasonal teas with the smack of red hots in them (which these aren't), but all of these are very smooth and delicious.

* * *

Feeling all emotional today.  Two sons came by yesterday, and my heart feels such tugs.  Newly married son was one of our visitors and he's such a hot mess, but as my husband says, "He's just such a genuinely nice guy."  Which is true.  He's just not found his place in the world yet, but he's trying.  The effort is hard to watch, knowing he's got to find his way, and us not being able to do anything about it.  Not that we would, but we continue to hold him up.  He'll be fine, just may take awhile.  And it's not like I'm waiting for him to arrive, but I would like to see him turning to the church and the Lord once again.

And our son who lives with his boyfriend.  Talk about conflicting.  He seems to be very settled and grounded, but his lifestyle makes hearing about his life a bit mind-numbing.  It's perplexing.  Maybe of all our sons, this is the one I've spent the most time with, and I feel very, very close to him.  It's just odd.  Let me just say that.  Odd.

Cherishing the idea of this week being peaceable.  A bit of cleaning in preparation for Thanksgiving, and lots of rest.  Hope for all of us, we can enjoy this, the first major holiday of the season and not overdo.  Keep our heads where they need to be, without any unnecessary drama.  Again, it's all about perspective.

Take care.

Birthday boy

Sometimes there are no words.  They just don't come.  Maybe that's a sign that life is feeling safe. 

 

My husband did have a birthday, the last in a series of three-in-a-row.  Two daughters had birthdays just days before his.  This was the big sixty birthday, which seems a bit awesome, and he insisted on 60 candles, which caused much smoke after the blowing out part.  The girls blew up sixty balloons for him too, we made his favorite dinner, really, it was all fun.  I met him when I was 23 and he was 26, so for the years to have passed so swiftly is mind-boggling.  Sixty?  You have got to be kidding.  Oh whatever.  I am so very thankful to have the years with him.  Love.  That.  Man.

Planning on buying the oven part tomorrow, which we desperately need.  Two weeks today until Thanksgiving, which has crept up on me as well.  So grateful we get along with all of our children, regardless of the whirlwind of this year.  Oldest son was here today with gifts for the birthday folks.  Hadn't seen him in awhile, so I loved seeing him.  Getting my hands around him for a hug.  

And talked to California son yesterday and he'll be here for three weeks to visit at Christmas.  

Really, I'm letting go of a lot of grief.  God has the kids in His more-than-capable hands.  I can rest in that for now.  The holidays require such mental energy, and I just want to cook and welcome my family.  No time for angst.

Fussy britches...

So, I was sitting in church before the service began, leaned over and told my husband, "Okay, today I just hate people."  He gives me a grin with that bearded face.  Asked if something specific had happened and I said that, no, I just hated folks.  Today.

Here's the deal.  I'm tired of people-pleasing.  Of so many Marthas at our church.  Such self-sacrificing women who just plain wear. me. out.  

I screw up.  Okay?  I really screw up sometimes.  And, you know, I don't have to bow to that pressure.  With God, I'm good enough right now,  Today.  I love that.  We need, as the body of Christ, to stop beating up on one another.  And do less, not more.  Take care of what's in front of us without fabricating more works.

There was a meeting after church about Christmas preparations and all the Advent goodness.  Gary was there and he volunteered to deliver the presents to the Neighborhood Christian Center in December, among other things.  Folks (the Marthas) were offering to do all sorts of things.  Okay, fine.  Be that way.  These are a couple of women who are already booked, but they just won't let up.  I promise, it'll get done.  But to load more on your already-weighted-down-backs is ridiculous.

I asked Gary afterward if I should've been there (honestly, I wasn't part of any committee who was supposed to be present). and he said I could've probably come and offered to do something, but to his credit, no pressure was laid on me.  He's a good man, even though he's got way too much energy.  I said I'd prefer to do things I felt the Lord setting in front of me than doing things just because of a void on the checklist.  I'm really big in following your spiritual giftedness, but really, anyone can take out the trash, you know?  No reason to be persnickety, but doing to be doing isn't the way.  And really, if some things DON'T get done, what's the worst that would happen?

Yeah, that's what I thought too.

Sadly, though, we won't have a Christmas Pageant this year.  My favorite thing.  I'll just have to get over it.  Correction:  Oldest daughter heard Gary and I talking about it just now and will offer to organize it.  Thrills me to bits.  So like the pageant from Sam Elliott's movie Prancer, a personal favorite, for obvious reasons.  Ahem.  Focus.  Focus.

More joy.  That's what I need and want.  And anybody remember me telling what my mom said the day after her stroke two years ago?  She said, "I wish I'd had more fun."

Words to keep tucked in your heart.

(listening to Toto's Africa and Rosanna)

Week's end

It's a funny thing.  When you give your body a chance to rest and recover from whatever-it-is-that-ails-you, sometimes you feel worse than before.  I think it's our body's way of saying, "Hold up!  Give me some more time."  That's me now.  I don't have any disease, but just a continual exhaustion.  Better, but not cured.

And in my necessary quietness, I got to thinking about the Internet and how different our lives would be without it.  Blessed in ways, but cursed in others by being online.

If we didn't have the Internet:  So many books wouldn't be shared or even written.  So many narcissists wouldn't have an audience.  Children behaving better, marriages richer, but fewer recipes to make and fewer friends to claim.  See, good and bad.  And maybe one of the most significant---better self-images if we didn't continually inundate ourselves with comparisons to folks we don't even know.  Even this afternoon, I was looking at some blogs I follow, and after I turned off my phone, looked around and felt awful.  Like I was living in a dump, which I don't, but still, it felt like it.

* * *

Oldest daughter went to a tea party at a new friend's house yesterday and the husband was installing rabbit ears in their attic.  They'd just cancelled Comc*ast for their cable company and needed the antenna to get a signal.  Fewer stations, yes, but free.  We've done the same.  My husband got online and made from scratch an antenna for our bedroom tv and we'd never taken down the big old antenna on our roof, which is linked to our living room set.  Works great.  Not sure how many stations we get, but maybe ten.  It varies, to be honest.  

Our Internet connection is through our cellphones, with a gadget giving us a hotspot (using a gadget called a hockey puck or something like that), which allows us a certain amount of fast-speed, then unlimited slower-speed through our laptops.  In about two weeks each month we use up the fast, and now we're slogging along.  Like the old phone connection.  Don't load photos, watch videos, or hope for anything to load quickly.  But, so much less expensive.  Biggest plus, for households with children---you can turn off the hotspot.  Love that.

So many folks are going backward.  Less technology, more focus on less.  Think on that one.  We jumped en masse on the bandwagon with all that the Internet offered so many years ago, and later on (maybe) realized how intrusive that lifestyle was going to be in our daily lives.

Too much stimuli makes for a life feeling like a body after a heavy meal.  And all the health food you can stuff into your face won't remedy that unless a mental purge is engaged.

And so it goes.

Wednesday evening

A day at home, celebrating oldest daughter's birthday.  Presents, cake, quietness.  All restful.

* * *

Funny how the Lord puts things in front of you in a timely manner.  I got a copy of Sue Bender's second book Everyday Sacred (love that title) at the library bookstore recently and cracked it open last night.  Just what I needed.  Funny too, since I didn't take to her first book Plain and Simple.  Here are some quotes:

"These incomplete tasks weigh on me---my mind often focuses on what I'm not getting done rather than on what I am doing." 

"He has a quality I've read about in books but have rarely experienced---'a still point in the midst of activity.'"

"...not paying attention to what my body needed."

"We all need a certain amount of fallow time."

"How quickly calm disappears."

* * *

I've been too busy lately.  With ordinary life.  Not adding anything to my to-do list, but 

just not setting limitations on what's reasonable.  I look SO tired.  Still dealing with my taxed adrenal glands.  Say what you will, folks who don't believe it's a real ailment.  I'm here to tell you otherwise.

We all could do with some rest.  Deep rest.  

I had a brief, very brief few minutes this afternoon of feeling totally aware.  You know those times you feel in the zone, focused and into whatever you're doing.  It's relaxing in some odd way.  All I was doing was cutting up the cooked chicken to put back in our dinner pot.  The flash of feeling totally attuned to my task was wonderful, but as soon as it was there, it was gone.  Very elusive.  I partly blame interruptions.  Remembered I had to pay one of my mom's bills over the phone that I'd forgotten to do earlier.  Whoosh.  Peace of mind out the window.

It's all about being attentive.  Attention completely on whatever's going on, not allowing anything to break the peace.  Wonderful when it happens, but it's sort of like aligning the planets.  Rarely occurs.

Must practice it some more.

(listening to Home at Last by Josh Garrels)

Thinking about stuff...

Got to thinking this morning about how rigid I can be.  How hemmed in I behave in regards to certain things.  Not sure why, but I think I was raised that way.  And really, I believe in my younger days, that was more the norm.  Black and white lines, not so many grey areas either in life, religion or politics.

Now life is more messy, I know mine is.  My children are messy, and my house....oh my goodness.  Blurred lines are everywhere.

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Speaking of which, put some Kilz on the bathroom ceiling.  We have major mildew issues, not in the walls or anything, but on surfaces in there.  And with a house that's moving toward seventy years old, with poor ventilation in the bathroom, guess it's not surprising.  Figure I'll gradually work on that room before the holidays.  I wanted to make myself a deadline, do a bit at time until it's done.  Might take awhile.

Why am I telling you this?  Accountability, maybe.  Or, perhaps I'm embarrassed at my new daughter-in-law having to go in there when they come for Thanksgiving.  Think me a slattern.  Yeah, that's probably it.

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Last fall I bought a copy of that beautiful magazine Bella Grace and was looking at it earlier.

Giving myself a break today to color outside the lines, at least this morning.  Several things caught my eye in the magazine, including this quote by Mary Oliver:  

"What I want in my life is to be willing to be dazzled---to cast aside the weight of facts and maybe even to float a little above this difficult world."

And there's a piece written by a woman called Dee Taylor and she says this:

"She lifted the expectations of herself and was instantly set free.  You know that moment when you say to yourself, 'You are doing all you can do.  And that's good enough.  THIS.  IS.  FREEDOM.'"

My girls are excellent at this.  Even how they dress is unique and full of possibilities and originality.  They all seem to have a darned good self-esteem, something longing in my own life, and their opinions of themselves are healthy.  The least one struggles a bit with this, but at 13, I think that's not unusual.  She's still in the between stages.

I think I tend to suffer from the demon of 'not good enough' and it's a constant burden I tote around.  Last week I had too many tasks at the end of the week, and I kept at it, not wanting to let anyone down.  My mom doesn't understand personal limitations anymore, maybe because she doesn't place any on herself.  She avoids doing more than she actually wants to do, and has unintentionally handicapped herself.  For example, her desire to walk without her walker hasn't been strong enough to push her to move unassisted.  She does exactly what she wants to do, no more, and in that mindset, she's able to lay a lot on me/us instead.  Her expectations from me are a bit lofty at times, though she doesn't see it.  

So for me, even though I might have more to do that is healthy, because it's my reality, I lack the ability (it seems) to say, "This is more than I can bear.  Go away, little person."

My husband is of a type A personality.  I'm not.  Say what you will about opposites attracting, and you'd be right.  I'm whatever isn't a type A.  I sit a lot.  Rather folks keep quiet, and don't favor crowds.  He's not a people person, but is very enthusiastic when he's into something.  Intense is a mild word for him.  Aggressive and a bit in your face.  But I like that in a man, for whatever reason.  

Anyway, being so introspective might be a good thing.  I analyze my behavior, maybe too much, but I like to know why stuff happens.  Why do I have such a poor self-image?  Why is there self-hate going on?  Would losing weight help that?  Not sure, because I'd have to get to the root of the problem, and I'm not sure what it is.  Maybe just giving myself room for acceptance.  Not promising that I'll love myself when ____ happens, but now.  Not when I'm thin enough, but this very day.  Not when the house is ship-shape, but right now.

Today I'm toasting blurred lines.  There's more than one way of doing things.  And yes, today I'm good enough.  Do you realize how extraordinary it is to say that?  

Thanksgiving

The following statement might need to be a blog post all to its own:

All my children, with the exception of our son who's in northern California now, will be here for Thanksgiving.  Invitations not offered as of yet (they beat me to it), but they want to be here.  Even with all our strife this year, they choose to have their knees under our table for Thanksgiving Dinner.  Even newly-married son and his wife.  

God be praised.

'Classic Human Anatomy in Motion' by Valerie L. Winslow

When I selected Valerie L. Winslow's book titled Classic Human Anatomy in Motion to review, I had our youngest son in mind, who draws several hours a day.  And while he's acquiring an impressive collection of drawing books, this has to be at the top of the list.  With examples of bone structure (including the names for all parts of the body), muscle placement, how the body moves in various positions, and diagrams showing incredible attention to small bits and pieces, this book is amazing.  

 And honestly, it's one of the finest modern-day art books I've seen.  She shows in such detail the bodies underneath the skin and bones, and that's what needs to be understood.  Our son is impressed, and from what he's said and what I've seen, it's really like a science book masked as an art book.  Human anatomy beautifully represented.  His main comment is that it's easy to find anatomy books that show a limited array of detail, but Winslow shows that detail to the extreme.  There's nothing I would add to what she's already produced.

For the seasoned artist, or a beginning art student, this is a wonderful addition to to their bookshelves.

(i received this book free to review from blogging for books)