Ordinary days

After the early morning busyness and activity with the chickens, now comes the lull.  They've been fed, allowed to run about a bit, and are now back safe in their run and feasting on warmed-up, leftover macaroni.  Hugged and and loved on.  Seems they're satisfied for awhile.  It appears.

Sort of like humans.  Keep us fed, kept warm when it's chilly, secure when danger lurks, show some affection and we're good for another stretch of time.  It appears.

This day is free from obvious anxiety.  Have to re-write some forms for school.  I tried to reuse last years, scratching through the old date, but they were sent back.  This is what happens when your printer runs out of ink, you have no funds to buy more cartridges and try to recycle.  Sometimes it isn't the best idea.  So, today will fill in the current forms I was mailed and try again.  The girls laugh.  Every year when filling out homeschool forms I hit a snag.  Wait for it.  It is a never fail situation.  Least I'm consistent. 

And second son flies back to California later today.  He bought a rifle while he was here, and is borrowing my husband's lock-up case to fly it back.  Should pass through security just fine.  He goes to Portland, a city he says is gorgeous, and then his chef will pick him up and they'll drive back to the retreat.  He'll be there through Thanksgiving, which we regret, but he's living the life the Lord has set out for him, so who can really complain?

Today should be low-key except for his drop-off at the airport.  School, writing a couple of notes to folks at church, helping do the front yard, making chicken salad for dinner/yeast rolls.  We bought Mom's groceries yesterday and dropped them off, did a quick go through of her house, so she's all set for a few days.  

See how mundane life is?  Isn't it grand?  No drama.  Issues to pray about, yes, but nothing too difficult to manage in my head.  I think a break from new difficulties is mighty refreshing.

Moving right along...sort of

Three trips to the DMV, still no van title in the making.  Family of owners of it having to send for death certificate.  Funny how the mistake of one person, the girl who hit my husband's Suburban totaling it, has caused a long trail of involvement by other persons.  Thankfully we have a car tag to fasten on the vehicle temporarily, even though it's not the correct one, but it does belong to us.

So, for me at least, today is a rest day.  Dinner made with whatever's in the freezer.  Mom's not wanting her groceries, so they'll just sit here until maybe tomorrow.  Going to vacuum, using the new one we got on clearance last night.  Taking a much-needed quiet day.

Got so bothered by life in general yesterday, and today is for healing.  After the DMV nonsense, involving some mis-information, we're just tired and fed up.  Ready for something to happen in our lives that points to some smooth sailin'.  Just doesn't seem to be in our job description here lately.

But until that occurs, it's important for me to shake myself, keep my face on the Lord, and not allow disappointment shatter me or define my day.  One day at a time.  Certainly.

The week's beginning

Glad to be at this end of the day.  Seems we were busy with trying to tag the van (more papers needed, yet to get) and buying Mom's groceries and I had a rocky night's sleep besides after beginning to read one of my review books.  Lots of creepy stuff in it (like old Frank Peretti books) and being that I've been living on the bedrock of unpleasantness for so long, well, it was unsettling.  Going to get back to reading my Faulkner before bed.  Always a good idea.  

Rarely do I desire to change my routine.  Rituals are so wonderful.  And funny thing is, the best part of today was a few minutes, get this, when I brought my little jade plant up from the bedroom and looked for a place to put it in the kitchen.  It's been in my bedroom window and in the late afternoon it's been so hot on that side of the house (because of our neighbors cutting down most of their trees), and the little plant has been dropping leaves.  Burning up.  I stood there in front of the sink, looking for a saucer to set it on, and it took all my attention to the extent that my spirit settled right down.

Isn't that the oddest thing?  Sometimes just quiet and concentration brings peace.  Focusing on a tiny thing, even a little jade.  Re-potting small plants always calms me down.  Or pruning the flowers on the porch.  

I get interrupted a lot.  Always have.  Called being a mom.  Maybe getting out my needlework would be a good idea.  That's always brought down my blood pressure, I know for a fact.  

Have to keep my spirits up and turned towards the Lord.  Considering we're working against the evil one in a battle for our sons, pays to be on top of our game.  The little suckers are always listening...and yeah, I mean you.  As I've said before, God wins.  All of it.

(on Spotify it's Shawn McDonald singing We Are Brave)

Saturday night

Have been paying attention to my negative physical reactions to certain things---things that stress me and such.  Some things will cause my heart to pound, or my breath to tighten up and be shallow.  I never knew before here lately, that I could identify things like that.  Learn what to avoid.  Amazing.  Have always allowed Life to just happen, and then I'd react either with or against it.

No more, or let's just say I'm working on it.

Sometimes it's a conversation with a neighbor or a child.  A news topic, or my mom's life.  And while I can't become a hermit and just disappear, which is an appealing, non-viable option at times, I can learn to manage in better ways.

* * *

I love the van.  So happy to say that.  The stains on the carpet came up and the outside washed a treat.  Now, I realize everyone won't understand our angst this week.  Put it up to a family (that would be us) who have been beat up enough and the smallest thing can send us into spasms.  Getting the van, spending money we didn't want to have to spend, troubles with the title....all frustrating.  Enough about that.

Tomorrow is Sunday, a fresh new day and week.  Yes.  We'll go the DMV on Monday morning to get the title situation straightened out and hope to get new tags.  And you know what I crave to experience in the midst of all of this?  To feel the Lord's presence so clearly right by my side, and to lean.  Just lean.

* * *

I'm reading to review Sarah Mae's newest book called Longing for Paris and she has a list of questions at the back.  Number one is: Are there any areas of your life that you don't feel you can trust God with fully?  And the fourth one is: What is your greatest fear in handing over every area of your life to Him?

Gulp.  That's my response.  Gulp.

You might have a handle on those sorts of questions, but I don't.  

Try this one.  Number fourteen is:  Do you have a dream or a longing in your soul?

I look at the questions, look at the ceiling and have no clue.  Absolutely no clue.  But I'm willing to think on it.  I will answer them, but it may take awhile.

(music to listen to on Spotify....Dan Bremnes' songs Born Again, Beautiful and Where the Light Is.  The CD is called Where the Light Is)

Well, phooey.

Blah, blah, blah.  Gripe, gripe, gripe.  Van repairs put snafu on getting a second vehicle right now, but Gary's being philosophical about it, well, after he got frustrated.  Considering we got the van for free, the stuff the mechanic's doing is pricey, but still, cheaper than what we'd pay for the van.  Gary keeps saying, though, "But I'd not buy this van if it was up for sale!  Wouldn't even look twice at it."  But we're going to go with the flow. 

On the bright side, the van has a/c, and the dead Suburban did not.  An advantage, to be sure.  But with Gary, he identifies with what he drives.  A guy thing, I guess.  I tend to just enjoy something that looks reasonably decent and runs well.  Maybe I'm too easy.  Possibly that's a pitfall I've gotten used to.  Maybe sometimes my perspective is so skewed to acceptance of what IS, that I fail to see that there are other possibilities.

Life is hard.  It just is.  Blessings come, yes, but the bumps along the road make it difficult to be joyful, when you probably really should be joyful.  I just got my hopes up to have my own vehicle after so many years.  Might still happen, but not anytime soon.  Unless someone else is giving something away.  That would just be weird.

I am grateful for a replacement for our Suburban.  Don't get me wrong.  I know not to be a big whiner (well, too much of one), but I really was figuring we'd get the oil changed, engine light check figured out and off we'd go.  Okay, five things were flagged by the engine light.  Moolah.

Some of you might not understand why this is a problem.  The thing is, we've gotten caught in this pattern of life throwing us curve balls and nothing seems easy.  Catches along the way.  Our money is always so tight, and to think, even for a short time, that we'd be able to afford me to have a vehicle during the day and Gary could have a pickup for work, was so splendid.  A luxury.

And I'm tired of busted stuff.

Smooth sailing would be a pleasant change.  Was thinking of things to name the van.  Now I'm thinking Job.

Monday noon

Last night in bed I began reading, yet another, Faulkner book.  This one is Absalom, Absalom! and by some is said to be his masterpiece.  Had to laugh at the length of his sentences.  The first page is two sentences long---drawn out and full.  Almost poetic how he uses his words.  Words I've never heard before, full of vowels and promise.  

Just had my tea and have been relaxing in bed.  It's almost noon and figured a rest would be a good way to begin the week.  Oldest daughter asked if anything was hanging fire this week, and I told her no.  Actually, we'll get the van (probably on Wednesday), and possibly Gary will be able to get something to replace the Suburban.  I'm praying it can all come about before the weekend.  He's been scouting out Craigslist and, as anyone knows who's shopped there, every day is filled with possibilities.

Anyway, glad to begin a new week.  Getting recovered in a mental way from the accident, which was 2 weeks ago today.  Thankful Gary isn't having anymore back pain.  Always lots happening.

I'll wash the sheets and hang them out, shop for Mom and we'll get her house clean, then I'll feel I can tackle my own nest here.  Like getting her done early and can set her aside in my head.

An ordinary few days will be a treat.  Rain supposedly coming too.  And I figure if we can survive the heat today (yesterday's heat index was 111F.), then lower nineties will feel almost cool.  Yeah, go ahead and laugh.

* * *

Got a text last night from someone who's a friend of son-who's-in-California, with a couple of photos of the beach (and our son) in Oregon where they've taken the retreat staff for a break.  He's sitting on a rock with lots of fog, looking at the water.  He's never seen the ocean before.  I remember my first time, when we went before our wedding to spend Christmas with Gary's folks.  Drove non-stop from here to Maryland.  He took me to Atlantic beach and I remember the sound of the waves before we walked over the dunes.  Never expected it to be so loud.  I cried.  Our son looks a bit awestruck in the picture, which reminded me of my experience.  God seems so enormous at the beach, if you let Him.

The chickens are making chickeny sounds, so might go sit out with them before the heat becomes overwhelming. Already 91F and sunny.  Will take them some cold, chopped up lettuce and lend encouraging words.

Surprises

Cool story.  I mentioned Owl City last night, how there was a new CD and how middle daughter had waited for it so long.  She loves this guy, Adam Young, who IS Owl City.  Just one young man who does all of it.  Anyway, our daughter has talked for years about wanting to see him in person but he's not been set to tour here.  Well, at church one of her girlfriends said she was going to see him in Nashville this fall with one of her other friends.  Her mom was taking them.  She assumed our daughter would go too.  Well, we'd not entertained it---cost, travel, etc.  See, we don't live in Nashville.

Our sweet girl was so bummed when we got home from church, mainly because her friend at church isn't a real fan of his, was just going because her friend asked her.  Middle daughter said it's odd how some folks get things to fall in their lap, and they don't even really care. I told her I understood---seems sometimes we want a particular thing and agonize over it and someone else just walks into it, no sweat.  Read the Psalms and see they're full of that happening.

The girls and I got to talking in the living room and I said, "Why don't we just figure how to do it?"  Her eyes lit up and I've never seen her look so amazed.  Gary came in from the porch and I asked him if we could try to make it happen.  So we plotted and planned, and then he pulled out his debit card and said to go for it.  He's all about spontaneity.  And, happy dance, pre-sale tickets are way cheaper than they will be later on.

So, the girls and I will have a road trip, see the show, stay overnight and maybe play the day after.  We've never done anything like this, and honestly, after the year (or two) we've had, this will be a well-deserved treat.  We all need it.

The countdown is supposedly 78 days.  This daughter makes me laugh. :)  Youngest son said she's going to drive us crazy before then.  So be it!  She's on our bed now, and just caught my eye and said, "We're going to Owl City!"  Eyebrow waggle. 

Friday morning

Fridays.  One of my favorite days of the week.  Today there's a tiny bit of stress, though, not having heard back since Tuesday from the couple who have offered their van.  Supposedly they're hunting down the title.  I so get that mentality---me, the person who never remembers where I put things.  The husband shared with my woodboy some issues with the van over and beyond the transmission being rebuilt 20,000 miles ago, being very blunt, and it makes me a bit antsy.  He won't let his wife drive it with the kids in it, but is okay giving it away.  Gary flew right by that comment, but I was left scratching my head.  Given that we'll have to drive it from their house over the river to get it here, I don't know, maybe I'm just paranoid.

Okay, I am paranoid.  Life has been too paranoid-producing these past few months (and I'm sure you're tired of that old song and dance) and we're in the mode of just waiting for the next slap-down.  Not a healthy attitude, but it's the only one I've got to go on now.

Now, don't fuss at me.  Just trying to build up my courage again.  A daily challenge.  Gary and I both feel as if someone consistently has their foot poised to trip us up, and we keep falling over it.  Literally.
  

I read a quote in The Reivers last night which was so spot on, I could've written it myself.  Correction.  I'm no Faulkner, but the quote was perfect for my mental state.  And is today.

"Because what I wanted was to be back home.  I wanted my mother.  Because you should be prepared for experience, knowledge, knowing:  not bludgeoned unaware in the dark as by a highwayman or footpad.  I was just eleven, remember.  There are things, circumstances, conditions in the world which should not be there but are, and you cant escape them and indeed, you would not escape them even if you had the choice, since they too are a part of Motion, of participating in life, being alive.  But they should arrive with grace, decency.  I was having to learn too much too fast, unassisted; I had nowhere to put it, no receptacle, pigeonhole prepared yet to accept it without pain and lacerations."

When you feel as I do (we do) now, folks who are living comfortably have the tendency to try to set you straight, get you out of your doldrums.  Commiseration is more appropriate now.  Understanding and compassion.  I'm waiting for the eternal shoe to drop, and unfortunately, it keeps on dropping.  A quiet weekend with no, absolutely no, drama would be nice.

Positives:  We have the money from the girl's insurance settlement on the Suburban in our hot little hands.   A blessing, and you wonder what the heck's the problem, huh?  Indecision, I guess.  We have the rental until Thursday, which is nice.  I think we need dinner out. :)

Friday night

Gary got a call from his dad tonight while some of the kids were with me shopping for the least one's birthday (which is Sunday).  My mother-in-law is in the hospital after complaining of a sore neck for a couple of days.  Went out of it at home, red-faced, eyes not focusing, incoherent, and her b/p went to zero then flew up to an upper number of 200.  We're in a wait-and-see mode.  They're up in Maryland, so have to wait to hear.  My father-in-law could use prayer too.  His health is good, but it's lots to deal with.  I'm thinking it sounds like meningitis, but that's just a guess on my part.  Flying by the seat of my pants, most days.

Husband participating in a crafts fair tomorrow near our church.  Praying for much success.  The homeowners offer their front yards for artists and crafts people to set up their wares.  He has a couple of game tables, bowls, spoons, mirrors, framed photographs and benches.  Lots of stuff.  And oldest daughter has earrings to sell as well, which are beautiful.  

Life is overfull.  Have to turn off my head.

Sat out with the chickens twice today.  After half an hour of holding a chicken, my b/p arrives at a sweet spot, I'm thinking.  Milk and Nora nestled in my lap, Nora snuggling under my chin.  Imagine.  A chicken.  Isn't that awesome?  And they're so soft.  I caught Madelyn later on and held her.  She tends to be wicked, following Nora around and trying to peck her feet.  A streak of meanness in her, that's for sure.  

Anyway, that's my weekend.  It's enough.

A nice, warm Tuesday afternoon

~rowan oak

Oldest daughter asked me this morning if I wanted to drive down to Oxford on Saturday.  Sounds like a peaceful way to spend the day.  Plus, the weather should be in our favor.  And it only takes under an hour and a half to get there.  Easy to do.  So enjoyed Wm. Faulkner's beautiful property when we went before.  Deep breaths.  This time, I want to go inside.  At a very affordable 5 bucks, should be do-able.  Might have to read one of his books before we go.  A refresher course.

Just to be somewhere different will be nice.  And the next two weeks are full.  On the 18th Gary is participating in an Art Walk in our church's neighborhood.  He's been building things, polishing and getting things ready.  Made a sign, thinking about how to decorate and we'll pray for much success.  There will be other woodworkers, jewelry makers, painters, sculptures...and who knows what else.  The next day is the least one's 13th birthday, and the last weekend will be full with oldest daughter going to a Jewish wedding (which will be a first experience of that sort).  Being that this is all true, this is the only weekend we'll be able to go for awhile.  And second son will be leaving the first of May sometime.  

~some of my woodboy's spoons for sale

Gosh.  Stop the train, will you?

Know what?  I'm learning to enjoy life even when part of it stinks.  (Has that been a hard, life-long lesson, or what?)  And some of my kids do stink.  My husband?  One darn scrumptious man.  And others of my children bless me and are also trying to keep their heads out of water.  I love them all, but as I once said about one child when he was a toddler---I didn't always like him, but always loved him.  

Just trying to tend to what's in front of me.  No headache today.  Doing the necessary, which will include fetching Mom's groceries later.  We'll deliver them later in the week.  Too taxing to do it all in one day---found that out the hard way.  Emotional exhaustion.  My mental health thanks me when I don't press.  I'll surely fail tomorrow, but today is good.  Right this very minute.

Second son brought over two partially-used gallons of paint from his apartment.  Might paint one wall in the living room.  Something exciting, or just different.  His colors are oceany, watery colors.  Soothing.  But sort of punchy.  We'll see.

Enjoy the day.

Saturday

Fourth son came by this morning to pick up youngest son for a shopping spree.  Really, just lunch and small trips here and there.  Guess that qualifies as a spree.  I'd not seen this son in over a week, and even when I saw him again this afternoon at the grocery store (an unplanned, though happy, surprise), I found myself staring at him.  Wondering if he's eating right (he tends to thinness) and if he's happy inside.  He looks gobsmacked.  I told Gary he looks like someone pulled the rug out from under him and he can't quite figure out what happened.  Well, that's sort of what DID happen.  But, sadly he pulled the rug out from under himself.  And when he told Gary a few weeks ago about his lifestyle, his dad said to him, "Are you sure you want to go this way?  Are you sure?"

Oh my.

At Bible study on Wednesday, the teacher on the video for Isaiah mentioned us laying things out before God, asking for His intervention---especially when we can't do a thing.  Powerlessness.  I feel that way a lot.  Mentioned how sometimes we pull together our bills that we can't pay, including mortgages and all the twiddly bits of life at God's feet and ask Him to cause a miracle to happen.  But it's never a miracle with Him.  Just business as usual.  We tend to think all these bad things require some outlandish involvement from the Lord.  He's seen it before----for centuries.  I'm glad the Bible is full of blessed misfits.  Makes me feel better for our houseful.

In searching for another header photo, I was looking on my phone.  Saw the Christmas photos we'd taken, and with zooming in, can see how sad and lost our children look.  All but a couple of them.  Middle daughter is now suffering consistently from migraines---I believe stress-related.  The least one is still herself, but a more sober version.  And these are children.  Children.  It shouldn't be this way.  Their brothers, who they love dearly, have messed with their joy.

Spring Break.

A time to breathe, rest, take time to refresh.  Put things in perspective.  Get enough sleep to make the waking up parts happier.  Lightheartedness.  I want me some.  Grounding.  Walking barefooted in the front yard on the prickly brown grass.  And praying all the while for the redemption of our dear children.

A day away

~Rowan Oak, Wm. Faulkner's home

Drove down to Oxford, Mississippi (home of the Ole Miss Rebels) with oldest daughter this morning, and even last night before bed, Gary asked if there was a football game going on.  Uh.  Didn't know.  Looked it up online, and yes, a game was scheduled for 6pm today.  Figured we'd go anyway.

Got just outside of Oxford---after driving about an hour and 20 minutes from here, and stopped at a market for something to snack on before driving into town.  The traffic was backed up, but we were only slightly concerned.  The woman who checked us out said it was Homecoming weekend.  And for any Southerners out there, Ole Miss was playing UT (Univ. of TN).  Lots and lots of folks.

I've never seen so many high maintenance Southern women in my life.  And I'm not kidding.  These folks dressed to kill, all Suzanne Sugarbaker-types.  I was amazed.  Oldest daughter and I were way out of our league.

~tiny house on Faulkner property

~lovely bookstore

But we had fun.  Had a heck of a time finding a parking place, but finally got a meter.  Went into a charming 3-level bookstore and walked around the square.  Very lovely town.  And went to Rowan Oak, William Faulkner's home, but didn't tour.  Just didn't work out.  But walking on the grounds of his house was the best part of the trip.  So restful.  The house is very modest, and the website on the house makes it appear upscale.  It's dated 1848, I think, or thereabouts, and needs some slight work, so it was charming.  Not pretentious, but very homely.  

Anyway, we had a nice time that had been tempered by a phone call from middle daughter about an hour into our trip.  She was crying and said that our dog, Opal the German Shepherd, had just died.  She'd not been sick, but had been playing with Romeo out back after we left, and Gary was sitting out there with them and the Pugs.  Opal romped around, got a drink of water, laid down and appeared to have a seizure.  In a couple of minutes she went from playing and then onto her eternal reward.  So strange.  Needless to say we're all a bit gobsmacked.

~Opal

Boring and uneventful would be a nice change, but we had a sweet day, nonetheless. We really did.