A fresh, new day

So I see other bloggers write about creative stuff, figuring in my heart that they've got it all nailed down pat, so to speak. They have time to not worry and actually have fun. I figure other folks get their bills paid on time, have perfectly healthy kids, and get along with all of their neighbors. It's this fantasy life I imagine for other people. The life where everything's rosy and nothing disappoints.

That's what the blogging life seems to be, many times. A place we go and share the high points, but never the low ones. Where the kitchen floor is always clean, and the toilet paper never runs out. The pantry is brimming and dinner's in the oven. The housewife is trim and neat and never needs to lose a few pounds.

It's probably similar to the magazines our mothers read. Back then when I was a youngster, (during the sixties and up) women weren't airbrushed to death in magazines, but did model perfect sweater sets and kitchens to-die-for. Publications whether in paper form or online have always had a pocket of perfection to tempt and challenge us.

Maybe that's a good thing. And in my heart, I believe it is. To know that life goes on even when there's a pinch, whether financial or mental. We can't give in to the rough places to the point of giving in, but we need to keep our chins up, so to speak. To not allow troubles to overwhelm us to the point of not seeing what an enormously wonderful thing life is.

And while I have absolutely no answers to the challenges my own family faces, I do know that the Lord would have me rejoice in Him no matter. It IS a good day. :)

Working on it...

Got very little done yesterday, in a flower bed sort of way. Took my clippers out there, filled the wheel barrow once with cuttings and then just sat and drank ice water. My energy level was way down there in terms of enthusiasm. Just. Not. Interested.

Plus we have 6 or 7 of those big black and yellow spiders in the beds, spreading their webs across wide expanses of bushes. Not too keen on getting one on me while I cut out the weary black-eyed Susans (which grew like crazy and are everywhere!). Might have to use a long stick to encourage them to move and spin their webs elsewhere, maybe.

And am in a frustrated mindset, wanting my faith to be bigger, but struggling with my attitude. I've always felt that blessings from God were tied to my behavior----a works-related way of looking at things, I guess. But it's not the way I want to be. Hard to break free from it, though. It's like if I mess up, then the Lord looks on me with a frown and then wants to take away blessings. If I'm a good girl, the nice things happen.

Isn't that sad?

I really have a hard time believing in Grace. That God shows favor *just because*. That I don't have to earn it (I know all of this, but tend to beat myself up anyway) and that He's pleased to take care of me.

This is my mind today. Not a pretty place to be, but obviously something I need to address.

A quiet Sunday

The plan is to clean out the front flower beds today----or at least make a hearty attempt. There's rain about (so says the radar), so we'll see how the day flies. Besides, there's so much to do out there, not sure how much I can get done. But with the temperatures being lower again, it's perfect weather for outdoor work. Or in my case...puttering. I'm not really motivated, but know I'll be happy with the end results.

And hope to watch Masterpiece Theatre's Mystery tonight. It's to be an Inspector Lewis one, and I so enjoy those. :)

Now will go put on sloppy clothes. It's that sort of day.

Saturday evening

Went to church tonight with the ones who were home and not working---and that diminished our group almost by half. Amy Grant is at the church this weekend participating in the worship service (a guest/personal friend of the music director, Bruce Carroll), and honestly, every seat was filled. And being that the auditorium seats around 5,000 folks, it was very crowded. There will be 3 services tomorrow (a typical Sunday morning) and I'm thinking that the place will be filled then as well. Yes, we go to a mega-church.

The pastor talked about how we spin too many plates. (I'm definitely guilty of that.) And how we need to let the Lord do the spinning. 'Course maybe if it's God doing the running of the show, no plates will spin. Order will be the name of the game. And you know, with the thoughts on my mind now, I realize that the Lord will allow life to pinch a bit in order to draw us closer to Him. The circumstances are irrelevant in comparison to what He's doing in my heart. Being made pliable is the name of the game, and I'll admit to getting a tad rebellious at the process.

If I had my druthers, life wouldn't get so uncomfortable and itchy. My husband would have bunches of work in the shop and the bills would be paid on time. And my mind would be at peace. I do have to learn that my sense of security can't be in the bank account or whether or not my husband's business phone is ringing. If I can laugh in the face of being squeezed, then I'll have grown, I'm thinking.

And as my husband is fond of saying---we've all got some baggage, eh? It's just different for each of us. But it's still there. In the face of seeing a marriage break up with sweet friends next door, I'll take my problems any day. They're mine, you know?

(photo of end tables he finished today---others will put on a painted finish, and the drawers and top will have mirror applied)

Faith? What faith?

My problem is that I get stuck in my situations of worry and forget how to enjoy.  Maybe I make fretting a sort of *god*, and noodle over what's not happening, forgetting that God Almighty is in control.  And honestly, I can sometimes almost hear the Lord whispering to me, telling me to get my eyes off of the water (as in the case of Peter) and to look at Him.

You'd think I had this mindset of faith nailed down after all these years, that my reliance would be stronger.  Huh.  What do I know?

Back to the drawing board.  Guess you're never too old for God to get your attention.  Just wish I'd learn things once (or even three times) and not have to be reminded repeatedly of how human I am.  Brother.  And it's not that I think I'm above a bit of correction, but it does get old.  But truth be told, if I got more sleep, I think my attitude would be more optimistic and believing.  Exhaustion does color a person's perception of what goes on.

A cool and restful Thursday

Am totally alone at the house in, I can't tell you how long. The dogs are all slung out asleep, and with the temperature being reasonable---86F. just now, I've turned on the fans and cut off the air conditioning. That's how nice this day is. :) (Must be the humidity is lower, because on a humid day, I'd not be able to turn off the air.) A couple of windows are open, and there's enough of a breeze to make it a really nice day inside and out.

Anyway, just thinking about things, praying about others and seeking that quiet peace that comes along when I still my busy brain and just listen. Happens more rarely than I care to admit.

There's tidying to fuss with, a book to read and just settling sort of occupations. The house could use some attention, so the washer is chugging along and I'll hang out a load in a minute. Working on my attitude toward trusting God for things, and re-learning how to rest in Him and not get in the way. That's a tough one for me, but something I need to work on. Or maybe not so much work on but let go.

Newsboys - Impossible

A mid-week grump

Woke up in a mood. You know those days. The ones that make a person feel like life is sorta stinky. There are several troublesome situations spinning around in my head regarding folks we're friends with, and I know more information than I'd like. They're weighing me down a bit. But as my friend, Patricia, so wisely says....something to the effect that it's their situation, not mine, so have to keep perspective. I'm reminded of those words continually, because of the wisdom in them. I have enough issues of my own that I don't need to borrow anyone else's.

The thing is, though, that both of the worries I'm thinking about involve kids in some way. Marriages breaking up or becoming overly challenged and the children suffering the backlash. Seems that grown-ups (and I use that term loosely) are all the time making decisions and choices based on their own needs/desires and forgetting that their offspring end up with lifelong damage. Just burns me up.

Focus. Focus.

So will concentrate on the things concerning my life and my family's when I can make a difference. But most times it's smarter for me to keep my mouth shut. Easier said than done (please forgive the pun).

Reading a good book, looking at the new Victoria magazine. That's my evening, after a dinner of beef stew. Maybe tomorrow will look a tad brighter, huh?

• Newest Newsboys CD is excellent, and very TobyMac-like.

On a Monday

OK, so it's 93F. right now at around 5pm, and the real-feel, as they call it is 93F. as well. Almost can call that cool in our neck of the woods. And there's something about the angle of the light outside in the late afternoon. I'm thinking autumn-like thoughts. Might have to drum up a spicy scented candle to complete the thought.

Plus, with our flower beds looking sad and spent---the black-eyed Susans on their sides, it's time to tidy up outside. With a few hard rains we've had this summer, they've gotten flattened. Rather than just dead-head them, I'm thinking I'll just trim them to the ground. Then things will begin to look neat again.

I'll do my jobs around the house, and watch the Lord work. You know something, He doesn't need my help. :)

Gaining perspective

Got up from nap-time today feeling more settled. The little girls were still down in their room with their big sister, so I wasn't immediately accosted by questions and more questions. :) I had a minute to put the whipped cream on the pies for dessert tonight.

Oldest daughter asked a friend over for after dinner, and she made pies from an idea that fourth son came up with. Since we make key-lime pies, and often substitute the lime juice with lemon juice, this son wondered why not try orange juice. Daughter put in a whole can of thawed juice instead of the lime/lemon and we sampled the finished product. Yum!

Anyway, rest-time was just that. Restful. My husband had taken the boys to work at their restaurant job, and I was able to tidy up around here a bit. Then had to save my cellphone from its fate after accidentally dropping it in my glass of ice water. It's drying out, I guess. After patting it with tissues after I took it apart, I got into bed with my newest read---another Persephone book, this one being Saplings by Noel Streatfeild. Excellent. Even dozed off for a bit.

Now if I can hold onto this feeling of smoothness, I'll be thankful. The week will be one of manna living with waiting for more work to come into my husband's shop. Sometimes living on the edge can be sort of an adventure---that is, when I'm rested up. Now it's good. The Israelites only had their needs met day-by-day, and so it goes.

Just this and that

Everyone is scattered to the wind.  Three oldest boys at work, husband at his shop and in a hour I'll take the remaining children to my cousin's house for a birthday dinner for her mom/my aunt who turns 89.  We've not gotten together with extended family in ages, so it'll be especially nice for everyone to get together.

And looking forward to the week ahead.  There's lots of nothing to attend to, except for Salsa class on Thursday night.  The days have been so busy, and I need to putter around the house and do what I do on a normal day, and keep in mind that the Lord can handle everything else.  There's comfort in that too, you know?  To really let go and get out of His way.  Hard for me to get in that mindset, especially lately.  

I'm reminded though of the fact that when it's tough I *do* pray more fervently.  A sad admission, but one I'm willing to make.

(photo just taken by the least one of daisy the pug sitting on my lap while I type!)

I've said this before, but sometimes I run around with the false impression that everyone but me has everything figured out.  I'm an idiot. 

As my husband says----'everybody has some trash'.  And rather than be a case of misery loving company, I just need to remember that

As I was saying...

About the post just under this one---I think it's a bit about the fact that life in this house is all about them. Them being the kids and all of the things they're into. The fact that two suddenly have jobs (wonderfully at the same restaurant) and I have the responsibility of getting either one or both of them there each afternoon. Nap-time is interrupted, or non-existent. And I do love my nap-time!

While I'm enormously thankful for them to be working, I'd be lying if I said it was all a piece of cake. Things are different. And with less bodies here, the housework takes a different road, and sometimes doesn't get done at all. Least parts of it.

I think I just need time to adjust. To get my internal clock sorted out. See, I'm used to putting on this front of everything being fine, partly to give the impression that having a large family is simple. I got into that habit when we had fewer kids, mostly to throw suspicion to the wayside that we'd made a mistake in having a big family. My father (before he passed away) was very much against us having so many children, and made it very clear what his feelings were about the situation. So I got in the habit of acting like it was all okay, and that we had everything under control.

I was lying. It was hard then, and it's hard now.

It's constant, noisy and frustrating. But at the same time it's a joy, blessing and I'd not have it any other way. 'Course I have to say that last part because it's all I know. Having fewer children isn't something I'm familiar with. It must be fascinating, or at least less noisy.

Admitting my failings is a good thing. And letting others know that I don't have it all figured out is good as well. So I have allow myself time to exhale deeply. And to cry when necessary, and lately that's been sort of frequent.

Thinking...

About the post just under this one---I think it's a bit about the fact that life in this house is all about them.  Them being the kids and all of the things they're into. 

There I went...

...and it seems that I'm feeling myself again (in fits and starts) after feeling so not myself for weeks and weeks.  I don't know if it's an age thing, or simply the fact that my life is overfull.  Beats me.

Whatever the reason, I'm thankful to have bits of myself back in the correct arrangement.  Maybe it's summer-time and feeling as if my life is all scattered.  Disorganized?  Or maybe the reality of our homeschooling schedule is teasing me around the corner.  Perhaps that helps me feel like my life has a set purpose (don't say anything, I know I have purpose...).

Not going to over-analyze.  Will just be appreciative of the fact that I'm glad to be back and feeling more like me, even if only a tiny way so far.  As the post title goes...it's like I feel normal and like me and then I turn around and am a stranger to myself.  I'm sure some of you understand.  If not, well, that's okay too.

Books and more books

Two of the kids and I have books listed for sale online. A great way to clear out the overstocked shelves here, and make a little cash at the same time. Pretty neat to wake up in the morning and find out you've made money---not a lot, but still, a bit. So far they've both had sales, and I got a second one today. Not a bad record, is it?

And am reading a delightful library book called Major Pettigrew's Last Stand by Helen Simonson, and I just love it. Very quiet humor and just a sweet story. I'm telling you, after reading Dorothy Whipple's Someone at a Distance (1953), I got to thinking of how rare it is now to find a new book that has an old-fashioned flair. Books don't have to be filled with profanity or compromising situations. This book proves it, or at least it has so far. I've not been shocked with it yet!

Must go now. Still feeling a tad scattered (which must just be the way I am lately---might as well get used to it, eh?), and needing to feel settled. What's up with that?

'Let's Do Lunch' by Roger Troy Wilson

The book, Let's Do Lunch, by Roger Troy Wilson came just when I needed it.  After trying so many diets in order to lose this long-standing baby weight (my youngest is 8, so you get the picture), I've finally found a book with realistic suggestions for losing weight.  The thing is, it's all practical.  Stay away from certain foods that have a history of impeding a person from getting in shape, and eat the ones that help and make you feel good as well.

The best secret in the book is frozen grapes.  The author talks about putting grapes in the freezer to fill him up (you can eat them until you burst), and that hint in itself has helped me to begin the weight loss journey.

At the end of the book, Mr. Wilson shares numerous recipes, which look wonderful and are easy to prepare.  Nothing in the book is unrealistic, but a sensible new way to eat.  And, by the way, I've been following his plan for about 2 weeks, and can definitely say that it works.  I have lost weight, and am recovering from some cravings that have plagued me for years.  Thanks so much, Mr. Wilson!

(This book was provided free to review from BookSneeze/Thomas Nelson.)

'Resurrection in May' by Lisa Samson

Being that I've been an on-again, off-again fan of Lisa Samson's for years, I'm sorry to say that her newest book, Resurrection in May, isn't my favorite. While I'm used to her characters being quirky and totally different from folks you meet everyday, there's just too much extreme behavior in this book. The reader is given a nodding acquaintance with genocide, death row, rape, and finally post traumatic stress disorder which torments the main character for a decade. Almost every character experiences tragedy, but to a degree that seems unrealistic.

Just recently I read a book by another author and one review stated that nothing happened in the entire book. There's nothing wrong with that, and I think it's a fine writer who can get their point across without being political or overly dramatic. Samson does both, and really, it's her book and she can. But I just get weary of being drawn into the author's personal agenda tucked into their fiction.

One more thing, I'd be curious as to whether any other readers were reminded of Jan Karon's Father Tim/Uncle Billy with Samson's first leading character, Claudius. I thought he was a cross between both of them.

(This book was provided free to review from BookSneeze/Thomas Nelson.)

The alter ego talking...

My last private dance class was yesterday and it was so much FUN!  We took the two least ones and my very, very good friend, Tina, who's been in town the last week.  It was a treat to show her what oldest daughter and I had been talking about all this summer.

Anyway, my sweet Cuban dance instructor went over all that we'd done---a re-hash with the FoxTrot, Waltz, Rumba, Cha-Cha, Tango, and Swing.  Then, after I'd taken off my dance shoes, he drew me onto the dance floor one more time (turns out we had a few more minutes of my class left), and he taught me how to Salsa.  My goodness.  My endorphins kicked in and I had the most absolutely wonderful time.  Seems I've danced enough now to be able to follow better.  He showed me the foot moves and off we went.  Can't say as I'm any good, but it's so thrilling to be able to actually cut loose and dance.  No hesitation.  Just dancing.

It's exhilarating.  And oldest daughter and I promised him we'd be at his Cuban Salsa group class on Thursday.  I love it!

(painting is an elegant soiree by victor gabriel gilbert)

One word for this afternoon...

...SALSA!!! (And I'm not referring to the sort you eat.)

Early Monday

Am still quite taken with my header photo, finding some peace of mind in looking at the woman in the upper part of the picture.  The contrast between the busyness below her and all of the space on her own floor is so appealing.  The colors too---the blues and the softness of it all.  Restful is what I'm thinking.  And figure I can brag all I want on the artwork since none of it is mine!  A wonderful photo.

And there's something so draining about our weather (though the heat index is supposed to be only just over 100F. today, which is a huge improvement over yesterday) that leaves me in a puddle.  I need  cool and peaceful things to look at.  Middle daughter, who's only 11, got overheated after dinner last night, and it hit her a couple of hours after coming inside.  The girls went out back for only about 15 minutes, but it was enough to make her dizzy and sick to her stomach.  I'm figuring she'll be fine when she wakes up this morning.

Not meaning to write a droopy post, but our zest just whooshes out the window when we're held in bondage by this heat.  Takes my *happy* right out.

A week's beginning

Just checked the weather online and admit to being a tiny bit shocked to see that the heat index is 122F.  Not that it's a surprise, but seeing it in print sort of drives the reality home.  No wonder I had a hard time catching my breath while I sat briefly on the front porch earlier.  I was out there to water the plants, but gave up after pouring one pitcher of water on the hanging vinca.  The rest will have to wait.  *gasp*

I have no enthusiasm for housework or anything outdoors.  The black-eyed Susans need dead-heading badly but that'll have to wait as well.  It's a bit cooler after dark.  Like at 11pm, but still, it's in the nineties.  Isn't that pathetic?  

Well, will get my head into the fact that tomorrow is my last private dance lesson.  Maybe I can convince my sweet instructor to let me pick what we work on.  I'd rather not get into anything new, but focus on what I actually know how to do.  'Course it's been 2 weeks since the last lesson, so depending on my memory, we'll have to see how much I can recall, eh?

Looking forward to what the Lord blesses my husband's shop with this week.  He's had  a bit of a dry spell, but did get a bid accepted last week.  He said he's sorry he low-balled the price, simply in order to get the job, but sometimes that's the way it has to happen.  God is forever faithful, and work still comes in, though only to the degree that we're forced to be faithful.  And that's the way it's supposed to be, right?  Hmmm, that made sense in my head, but not so sure it looks right now that I've written it out! :)

Late Saturday

So after stress built up for the past week or so, I had a melt-down this afternoon. Used to, I'd break dishes or mangle skillets. That was what happened to my huge Revereware skillet back in the olden days. Whacked that baby on the side of the sink one time, and the lid never fit on it again.

The kids and my husband were witnesses to my tirade. Youngest son got really quiet, but the rest of them just went with the flow. What goes in must come out, you know.

Oldest daughter met us at church, with her coming from work. She said that one look at me told the tale that something was amiss. She's my pal. Ever faithful.

Tomorrow ought to be sort of low-key. The least one asked for sloppy joes for dinner, so that's what we'll have with canned baked beans. Can't hardly bake anymore with this heat. I long for a cool rainy day when we can bake a few things and have the windows open. October can't arrive fast enough for me.

Must go. I've got a chick flick (the sisterhood of the traveling pants) to watch on my laptop. Time to chill.

Friday morning

Sweet Alison at Brocante Home shared a cool link to a magazine called Lonny you can read online. She noted articles on Cath Kidston and Rachel Ashwell (I've got an old, Simply Shabby Chic shower curtain doing double duty as a drape on top of our fridge). Such pretty photos. Alison is such a breath of fresh air herself. A little dose of English inspiration. :)

I'm feeling decorative (well, not personally), so will tidy up the nest today. I've not felt myself lately---just too busy to be grounded, so playing in the house sounds like just the ticket. And the girls and I will bake something early enough so that the house isn't all hot inside from the oven when Gary comes home. At times like this, with 100+ degree days, I wish we had a vent fan over the oven. But we don't, so strategically-placed floor fans will have to do to circulate the air. And, yes, our air conditioning is working nicely. Figured someone would wonder.

Anyway, potato leek soup for dinner. Wish you were here!

Late Thursday

So looking forward to sleeping in a bit tomorrow (after I let out/feed dogs). There's nothing calling my name, no chores to leave the house for, nothing hanging fire. And with the younger of my children a bit antsy with the amount of time I've been away from home this week---well, tomorrow ought to be pretty peachy.

I so totally love being at home. And, with oldest son working all week (and spending the night at a hotel with his odd hours), I'm aching to see him as well. He'll be home sometime tomorrow.

Friday will be good, I can just tell.

Poppy Lane

Time to plug my sweet friend, Kali, who's featured in the current issue of Artful Blogging (autumn 2010). The business is called Poppy Lane and with her beautiful pastel photographs and delicious talent, I'm thinking that her's is the best article! :) And, no, I'm not prejudiced. Kali's wonderful, and besides her gift for sewing, she's just a dear friend. I'm thankful to know her.

Total dishy-ness.

Afternoon rest-time

Glad to be home. Had a busy morning and afternoon, ending up at the grocery store. After everything was done, sat in the living room with the least one and had a cup of tea in one of my pretty cafe au lait bowls (I make a regular hot cup and add plenty of ice).

Now just being home and staying quiet and about to make pizza. Doesn't that sound good? (redundant question)

(painting by william-adolphe bouguereau)

Up early and stuff to do

Woke up with a start this morning, hearing dogs making their early rising noises. Big dogs baying isn't my idea of a gentle wake-up call, you know?

Oldest son is out of pocket, working overnight hours and actually using a hotel room to rest. I think he's trying to prime himself for moving out. I'm trying to adjust to the mindset as well, but doing poorly. Was talking about it the other night, and my husband told this son to be gentle with his mama, since I'm all *crumbly*. So true.

The rest of the day will be spent with this and that. Finishing up my friend Molly's clown suit and taking 2 other boys to their job. Getting a bit re-acquainted with the house after feeling distracted for a few days. Housekeeping (even done in a poor way) is so essential to my emotional health. The way I figure it, if my house is relatively tidy, then my head will follow suit. Least that's what I'm telling folks.

Oh, and by the way, just finished the book I'd ordered online (mine was $1.87 plus shipping through Alibris)---this one put out by Persephone Books called Someone in the Distance by Dorothy Whipple. If you've not looked into this publisher, you must. They re-publish older titles, and most are by women. The back of my copy shows a list of what they offer, and this book is #3 in the series...and I'm thinking that the total list is around 78 books. This could definitely become a new collecting passion. And as an extra fun, I looked up Persephone on Goo*gle Maps, and it was a treat to see their storefront. I love stuff like that. :) Many thanks to Alison at Brocante Home for getting me hooked!

Today

Needing to feel some grace today. A bit wired and so wanting to feel settled and smooth.

God knows.















(not my photo, but wish it was, and that i was sitting right there)

Sunday morning

Had to get up early this morning.  I took second son to his church (we go somewhere differently that has Sat. evening services), after we all got only about five hours of sleep---if that much.  Second and third sons are working at the same restaurant now, and they weren't able to get home until midnight.  Then it's a challenge for all of us to unwind when they get home and want to talk about it.  I'm so glad, though, and it's a huge blessing to be able to take them to the same location, and at the same times.  They'll either work the same shifts, or the same times on different days.  I just need to get used to the drive until second son can buy his insurance.  And quite honestly, I'm just so thankful that they both now have jobs.  Driving them is no inconvenience, especially since it's pretty near our home.

Speaking of getting out this morning.  I love the way the world feels when it's all fresh and new.  Folks are just starting to mill about, and the air is still a bit cool from the night.  We've had a gentle wave of milder weather, and even though it gets up to near 100F. during the day, it's not as overwhelming as it has been.  Ten degrees makes a huge difference when you're talking about weather that's that hot.

Will go move the sprinkler now.  The boys did the yard before they left for work yesterday and with it all neat and tidy, I like to get the watering done.  Just puttering today.  Life is full.

Growing pains (mine)

Feeling a tiny jolt lately since oldest son has shared that he's making plans to move out. I realize it's time for him to go, but that doesn't make it any easier. Have grown quite used to him. :) Shared with my husband how this was making me feel, and he said I ought to tell our son. Well, I did tell him this morning, and got the response I expected. He said he knew how I felt, and sort of walked away. I was reminded of telling my folks about similar things (in my case, it was getting engaged) when I was in my twenties, and getting antsy at them being all emotional about it---my mom especially. I've always promised myself that I'd not cling too tightly to our kids. They don't need me dragging them down. I'll admit to hanging on, though. So, sue me. I've broken my promise.

I read the other day that having children was the only relationship that was supposed to include someone leaving. True, but still a bit of a stretch for this mom.

Was it easier when they were all little and couldn't drive? Well, I'm thinking it was physically harder then, but is emotionally more difficult now. Setting them free out there is huge. I trust our kids, but am not so sure about the world at large.

One down (almost) and only seven to go! Oh brother.

Hidden blessings

OK, so I think the Lord is trying to get a subtle message through to me. I'm not such a hard head, but listen to this neat thing that happened today.

After I brought the kids back home from my mom's, we got a visit from our next-door neighbor's child (a cutie from Ecuador) who's just a year so younger than our youngest son, who's fourteen. Well, the neighbor, Esteban, brought over several boxes of Legos that he didn't play with anymore. Now, anyone who knows this son of ours is aware that he lives and breathes Legos. Literally. They're his favorite thing in the world. He dumps his collection out in the middle of the younger boys' bedroom floor EVERYday, without exception, and thoroughly enjoys himself.

Fast forward to what I'm thinking. Here it is, Esteban just gave them to our son. No payment necessary---bet you see where I'm going with this.

And here it is, I'm so overly concerned with holding my mouth right and not disappointing God that I forget to enjoy my life. I'm consumed, you might say, with getting it right. The thing is, I never do. Or maybe I rarely do.

Our son was blessed and he didn't have to earn it. The Legos were a total surprise, and a gift all rolled up into one. It was just what he would've asked for, if he'd been asking. But he wasn't---God was paying attention anyway. Now, you might think it's frivolous of me to think that the toys were from the Lord, but I don't. If He's interested in everything, then for a child, surely it includes fun stuff.

Chillin'

I'm home alone, and it should last for the next 3 hours or so. So I sit here and think about all that I could do, and probably won't. My head says to tidy the house, and my heart tells me to go get that little box of strawberries and eat them alongside a glass of ice water.

Bet you can imagine where this is headed.

Haven't taken a deep breath in so long, it might take some practice. But I'm willing to try. :)

Not a good movie choice

Just finished watching a new movie from Redbox called The Ghost Writer. I found it interesting that this U.S. version had much less profanity than was shown in Great Britain. At least that's what I read, and funny, but I could tell when they'd voiced over certain words. That's a first, and made me think of films that are cleaned up for t.v. Never knew that exceptions were made when films traveled to other countries, but that's encouraging, I think.

But the problem was with the story. It was intriguing pretty quickly, but soon after the new wore off, we noticed that the storyline was sympathetic to the terr*orist mindset, and not the good guys. It was so subtle that it was disturbing. I found myself watching and asking my husband if I had it right. Something just wasn't square.

Then the major sinking feeling when we saw in the movie credits at the end that it was a Rom*an Pol*anski film. I just felt sick. He should pay US to watch his garbage, and not the other way around. That this guy has the ability to have his work shown in this country (or anywhere for that matter) is just disgusting.

There. That feels a mite better.

Mid-week

Sons number three and four put a fresh coat of white glossy paint on the kitchen cabinets yesterday. I sewed and listened to them chatter and laugh. They just needed something to do---and I needed stuff done. Excellent when I can enlist the kids to do things that I would've had to do in the olden days.

Then when I'd gone as far as possible with the sewing, I went behind the boys and began to put away things again. (could hear my husband's voice in my head saying "it's okay to throw away!" which is his favorite slogan these days) Anyway, have tossed lots of things (husband calls them 'house stinkies'), and re-arranged others. I think there's something about this wretched heat we're experiencing (a heat index of around 115F. is supposed to be the high today) and the need to have fewer things to clean.

It settles my mind as I walk through the house and notice how airy it feels. Mind you, not REAL airy, but a bit better. I'm a pack-rat so any cleaning is a positive.

For the rest of the day will putter and put away. The sewing will pick up on Friday, and by the end of that day should be through with Molly's clown apron/suit. Cuteness! And vegetable soup for dinner will be made from whatever I can find, since the idea of saddling up and going to the grocery store in this heat is a really bad idea. You take care now. I shall drink lots of ice water. :)

(painting is resting by a basket of flowers by myron g. barlow)

Daily things

'Both liturgy and what is euphemistically termed 'domestic work' also have an intense relation with the present moment, a kind of faith in the present that fosters hope and makes life seem possible in the day-to-day.'~Kathleen Norris

Was able to sleep in a tiny bit since the dogs kept quiet. Our nights have been busier, this past week, with second son working at a local restaurant. Until he earns enough to pay for his car insurance, we take him to and fro. I get the *to* trip in the afternoon, and since this son gets off work at anywhere between 10:45pm and midnight or so, husband gets to go *fro*. But it's working. The thing is, though, we seem to need more sleep.

Whatever.

But at 7:00am, when I let the dogs out, I noticed how LOUD the world is at that time. The bugs are just screaming their hearts out, and already I could hear someone's lawn mower. Well, with the heat we're getting, the cutting of yards as early as possible is a smart move.

Loving the quote at the top of the post. Found that one online, but have been re-reading Norris' book, The Quotidian Mysteries: Laundry, Liturgy, and 'Women's Work' and doing more underlining. What a wonderful writer she is...getting to the heart of a matter, especially regarding our attitude about home life in that book. At the rate I'm going, will soon have every sentence underlined in it. :)

Mulling things over

So I went to my dancing class today---we did more of the FoxTrot and Rumba, and my teacher is such a sweetheart.  That Latin charm. :)

But I'll get to the point...

There's something about being the oldest person in the room that's full of twenty-somethings, who are learning how to dance.  Sure you can make the argument about me being the exception to the rule, but sometimes when my self-esteem is sorta shaky, I just end up feeling old.  I don't feel quite as confident as my age would suggest.  I feel like a mom, and while that's certainly a worthy occupation, it's not the most glamorous.  I have trouble standing up straight and holding my shoulders back because I've spent years and years bent over a nursing baby.  Am used to the focus being on someone other than myself.  To have to, all of a sudden, be called on to stand tall is a bit strange.

I got tears in my eyes today just thinking about how this is affecting how I look at myself.  And while these young women are looking to attract the attention of the young men, I'm only learning to dance for myself.  I'm standing up straighter because it's a good thing to do.  Am under no false impression that the hordes of men will seek me out, and with my dishy husband, not a hard thing to accept.  Realizing that I've reached an age of invisibility is something I've not dwelt on, but today I noticed a young girl walking into the studio and saw how the male teachers gave her the visual once-over.  That old mating dance is forever new. 

But you know---there's something so incredibly appealing about a long marriage.  The comfort of knowing another person so well, who loves you even though you have poor posture and a rocky self-esteem.  I'd not go back for anything.

Sunday afternoon

Still sitting underneath this headache, but at least got a break from it last night/over night. Crept up on me again this morning. The temperature outside doesn't help, either, (heat index at around 111F. just now) and that's just wrong!

Piddled with my tumblr account and added some more photos folks had shared. I just love that site, and go there when I want to slow the pace. Such prettiness.

Plan on watching Poirot on PBS tonight. Again, something quiet to do (though my husband just informed me that he rented an Oliver Platt movie on iTunes---love O. Platt!).

Ordered a book via Alibris, last night, and it's coming from a Goodwill store in DC. I found that so interesting. And while we have a Goodwill store here that sells only books, I've not been in there yet---but what a neat idea. Anyhow, had found the book on Amazon, but with my constant urge to be careful with my money (maiden name's supposedly Scottish, what can I say?), am always on the hunt for the very best deal. Ended up on LibraryThing which showed an amazing array of sellers with this book (Dorothy Whipple's Someone at a Distance), and finding it through Alibris was just a kick. Amazon does get a bit old. Pardon me as I ramble on. Taking an overmuch amount of headache remedy makes me feel a bit ditsy.

This week holds substantial boring-ness, I hope. Will sew on my friend, Molly's, clown suit. :) Not that that's boring, actually it's fun---just not too taxing, if you get my drift (the brain can't stand too much excitement just now). And have my next-to-last private dance lesson tomorrow afternoon. Having second thoughts about taking the Cuban Salsa classes, being that I'm not sure my motivation is in the right place. Found such relief in not thinking of taking the lessons, that there must be something in that mindset.

Feeling I need a vacation from friction. And I can't complain about life lately. Everything's fine. Husband has work in the shop and with him being the bread-winner, when that's good, most other things coast along with it. It's my mental health that's been in question. I feel the need for someone to rub my back and tell me that everything's alright. But it's not that it's not alright. Very confusing. Must need some deep-down comforting that's not being met.

And as I'm prone to say---deeeeep breaths.

(photo courtesy of stockxchng.com)