"If you're not ready to deal with something, then you can be pretty sure it's not time to deal with it."~oldest daughter's wisdom
I was talking on the phone to our oldest daughter at noon today--her lunch-time at work, and the phrase she said (above) really spoke to me and gave me some room to just think on things and not act. I was feeling all scrabbledy about my relationship with my mom and one of my brothers. Wondering at their silence.
Honestly, I get tired of making the first move. So tired of it. And I hate it when relationships go sour. I guess everyone's got a history, maybe just a small one, with friendships or family situations that have gotten out of hand. When forgiveness is seemingly unattainable. It's hard. I tend to be the peacemaker, even when I don't want to because I dislike loose ends. And I want to be liked, even by my family. When they're sore at me, it makes me so uncomfortable. Like a happily-ever-after story, I like happy endings.
But but those happy endings are not always part of the picture. And they aren't here with my extended family, at least not for the time being.
I'm not feeling the Lord's nudging to do something, but more I'm feeling that I need to rest and wait. But I don't like not knowing what's going on in their heads, and if I think about it, it makes me crazy.
But you know what? I guarantee I'm the only one who's stewing about this. There's something about being the only sister to brothers; they (at least my brothers) are absentee siblings. They're about when there's a family function in town at my mom's, but for consistent support, they've never admitted to that. And I need to accept that reality. I really want something I've never had. Why I've not ever gotten that into my thick head, I'll never know.
So, here I am in bed listening to my husband tap away at his laptop, hearing the boys playing a game on the X-Box, knowing the girls are all in their room together talking and laughing, and about to read a bedtime story to the least one. And it needs to be enough. It really does.
