Saturday night

Have been paying attention to my negative physical reactions to certain things---things that stress me and such.  Some things will cause my heart to pound, or my breath to tighten up and be shallow.  I never knew before here lately, that I could identify things like that.  Learn what to avoid.  Amazing.  Have always allowed Life to just happen, and then I'd react either with or against it.

No more, or let's just say I'm working on it.

Sometimes it's a conversation with a neighbor or a child.  A news topic, or my mom's life.  And while I can't become a hermit and just disappear, which is an appealing, non-viable option at times, I can learn to manage in better ways.

* * *

I love the van.  So happy to say that.  The stains on the carpet came up and the outside washed a treat.  Now, I realize everyone won't understand our angst this week.  Put it up to a family (that would be us) who have been beat up enough and the smallest thing can send us into spasms.  Getting the van, spending money we didn't want to have to spend, troubles with the title....all frustrating.  Enough about that.

Tomorrow is Sunday, a fresh new day and week.  Yes.  We'll go the DMV on Monday morning to get the title situation straightened out and hope to get new tags.  And you know what I crave to experience in the midst of all of this?  To feel the Lord's presence so clearly right by my side, and to lean.  Just lean.

* * *

I'm reading to review Sarah Mae's newest book called Longing for Paris and she has a list of questions at the back.  Number one is: Are there any areas of your life that you don't feel you can trust God with fully?  And the fourth one is: What is your greatest fear in handing over every area of your life to Him?

Gulp.  That's my response.  Gulp.

You might have a handle on those sorts of questions, but I don't.  

Try this one.  Number fourteen is:  Do you have a dream or a longing in your soul?

I look at the questions, look at the ceiling and have no clue.  Absolutely no clue.  But I'm willing to think on it.  I will answer them, but it may take awhile.

(music to listen to on Spotify....Dan Bremnes' songs Born Again, Beautiful and Where the Light Is.  The CD is called Where the Light Is)

Well, phooey.

Blah, blah, blah.  Gripe, gripe, gripe.  Van repairs put snafu on getting a second vehicle right now, but Gary's being philosophical about it, well, after he got frustrated.  Considering we got the van for free, the stuff the mechanic's doing is pricey, but still, cheaper than what we'd pay for the van.  Gary keeps saying, though, "But I'd not buy this van if it was up for sale!  Wouldn't even look twice at it."  But we're going to go with the flow. 

On the bright side, the van has a/c, and the dead Suburban did not.  An advantage, to be sure.  But with Gary, he identifies with what he drives.  A guy thing, I guess.  I tend to just enjoy something that looks reasonably decent and runs well.  Maybe I'm too easy.  Possibly that's a pitfall I've gotten used to.  Maybe sometimes my perspective is so skewed to acceptance of what IS, that I fail to see that there are other possibilities.

Life is hard.  It just is.  Blessings come, yes, but the bumps along the road make it difficult to be joyful, when you probably really should be joyful.  I just got my hopes up to have my own vehicle after so many years.  Might still happen, but not anytime soon.  Unless someone else is giving something away.  That would just be weird.

I am grateful for a replacement for our Suburban.  Don't get me wrong.  I know not to be a big whiner (well, too much of one), but I really was figuring we'd get the oil changed, engine light check figured out and off we'd go.  Okay, five things were flagged by the engine light.  Moolah.

Some of you might not understand why this is a problem.  The thing is, we've gotten caught in this pattern of life throwing us curve balls and nothing seems easy.  Catches along the way.  Our money is always so tight, and to think, even for a short time, that we'd be able to afford me to have a vehicle during the day and Gary could have a pickup for work, was so splendid.  A luxury.

And I'm tired of busted stuff.

Smooth sailing would be a pleasant change.  Was thinking of things to name the van.  Now I'm thinking Job.

A quiet day

Today is a gift I'm giving myself.  I'm figuring the next couple of days will be busy enough with picking up the van/taking it to the mechanic for a once-over, so today is a laying low sort of day.  Necessary to balance out everything.

And it's only 83F outside right now, a bit cloudy and I can definitely do that.  It's been so blistering hot, and this is nice.  Cicadas are making noise, chickens outside my bedroom window are fussy (they want to free-range in the yard, I know), and the window is up.  Still pleasant enough this morning to do that.

Avoiding the news, because if I read it, I'll just get riled up.

Oldest daughter bought ingredients to make something delicious and Chinese for dinner.  Will putter in the house, tidy it up, maybe cut some flowers for the table later on after the sun sets off of them.  Looking forward to some rainy days.  Hope we get some.

That's, pretty much, it.  Rest which is good and more necessary the older and more scattered I get. 

This post reminds me of going to the drugstore and only buying sodas and toilet paper.  Not big stuff, but things that make up an ordinary day.  May yours be as uneventful.

Monday noon

Last night in bed I began reading, yet another, Faulkner book.  This one is Absalom, Absalom! and by some is said to be his masterpiece.  Had to laugh at the length of his sentences.  The first page is two sentences long---drawn out and full.  Almost poetic how he uses his words.  Words I've never heard before, full of vowels and promise.  

Just had my tea and have been relaxing in bed.  It's almost noon and figured a rest would be a good way to begin the week.  Oldest daughter asked if anything was hanging fire this week, and I told her no.  Actually, we'll get the van (probably on Wednesday), and possibly Gary will be able to get something to replace the Suburban.  I'm praying it can all come about before the weekend.  He's been scouting out Craigslist and, as anyone knows who's shopped there, every day is filled with possibilities.

Anyway, glad to begin a new week.  Getting recovered in a mental way from the accident, which was 2 weeks ago today.  Thankful Gary isn't having anymore back pain.  Always lots happening.

I'll wash the sheets and hang them out, shop for Mom and we'll get her house clean, then I'll feel I can tackle my own nest here.  Like getting her done early and can set her aside in my head.

An ordinary few days will be a treat.  Rain supposedly coming too.  And I figure if we can survive the heat today (yesterday's heat index was 111F.), then lower nineties will feel almost cool.  Yeah, go ahead and laugh.

* * *

Got a text last night from someone who's a friend of son-who's-in-California, with a couple of photos of the beach (and our son) in Oregon where they've taken the retreat staff for a break.  He's sitting on a rock with lots of fog, looking at the water.  He's never seen the ocean before.  I remember my first time, when we went before our wedding to spend Christmas with Gary's folks.  Drove non-stop from here to Maryland.  He took me to Atlantic beach and I remember the sound of the waves before we walked over the dunes.  Never expected it to be so loud.  I cried.  Our son looks a bit awestruck in the picture, which reminded me of my experience.  God seems so enormous at the beach, if you let Him.

The chickens are making chickeny sounds, so might go sit out with them before the heat becomes overwhelming. Already 91F and sunny.  Will take them some cold, chopped up lettuce and lend encouraging words.

Surprises

Cool story.  I mentioned Owl City last night, how there was a new CD and how middle daughter had waited for it so long.  She loves this guy, Adam Young, who IS Owl City.  Just one young man who does all of it.  Anyway, our daughter has talked for years about wanting to see him in person but he's not been set to tour here.  Well, at church one of her girlfriends said she was going to see him in Nashville this fall with one of her other friends.  Her mom was taking them.  She assumed our daughter would go too.  Well, we'd not entertained it---cost, travel, etc.  See, we don't live in Nashville.

Our sweet girl was so bummed when we got home from church, mainly because her friend at church isn't a real fan of his, was just going because her friend asked her.  Middle daughter said it's odd how some folks get things to fall in their lap, and they don't even really care. I told her I understood---seems sometimes we want a particular thing and agonize over it and someone else just walks into it, no sweat.  Read the Psalms and see they're full of that happening.

The girls and I got to talking in the living room and I said, "Why don't we just figure how to do it?"  Her eyes lit up and I've never seen her look so amazed.  Gary came in from the porch and I asked him if we could try to make it happen.  So we plotted and planned, and then he pulled out his debit card and said to go for it.  He's all about spontaneity.  And, happy dance, pre-sale tickets are way cheaper than they will be later on.

So, the girls and I will have a road trip, see the show, stay overnight and maybe play the day after.  We've never done anything like this, and honestly, after the year (or two) we've had, this will be a well-deserved treat.  We all need it.

The countdown is supposedly 78 days.  This daughter makes me laugh. :)  Youngest son said she's going to drive us crazy before then.  So be it!  She's on our bed now, and just caught my eye and said, "We're going to Owl City!"  Eyebrow waggle. 

Weekend thoughts

*Listening to Owl City's newest CD, Mobile Orchestra, which middle daughter has been waiting for for ages and ages.  So upbeat, and nice it's on free Spotify on the laptop.  She bought a copy online, but it's easier for me to just listen this way, until I load her copy.  Bird with a Broken Wing (#6) is beautiful and the lyrics cut me to the quick.  And #4 and #7 are pretty darn good too.

*Seems on Monday or Tuesday we'll be able to go see the van our friends are offering us.  He reassured Gary on the phone today that it runs fine.  I feel better about it....can release my concerns and let the Lord handle the details.  The couple have been involved in a custody situation with his wife's son, who she had previous to their marriage.  Allegations of unpleasant abuse by a playmate.  Not pretty.  We'd not heard from them because they'd been advised by their lawyer to leave their house and stay at a hotel.  So sad.  They have custody of the boy, who's only five, for six months now, though.  Time will tell what happens next.  Lots of prayer.

* * *

*Hot as the Dickens here.

*Feeling pretty Jake, though.  Not fretting.  House note paid and the utility bill is sort of caught up.  Not going to worry about anything else, at least not for the rest of the weekend.  Expecting balances being paid next week for a couple of jobs my woodboy finished, which is sweet to know.

*Had our own Communion service tonight here again.  You might remember youngest son won't take the common cup at church, so about once a month, we're doing it ourselves here.  Sweet.  I looked up some verses regarding spiritual interference, point to the importance of keeping our tent clean (Gary's favorite topic lately).  Focused on remembering God is with us no matter what we're doing at the time.  Constant company.

*Got the altar all set up tonight, flowers bought and arranged too.  Now tomorrow morning won't be such a rush. Nice to putter at the church, tidy the Nave, make sure the little dishes that are outside the doorways have blessed water in them (you can tell I'm still not-learning terminology), straighten the Prayer Books and Hymnals in the back of the pews, cut some Hydrangeas to put in the main meeting room, etc.  Housekeeping in general.  I'm good in a behind-the-scenes situation.

Looking forward to Sunday.  And thanks, your prayers are cherished.

Friday morning

Fridays.  One of my favorite days of the week.  Today there's a tiny bit of stress, though, not having heard back since Tuesday from the couple who have offered their van.  Supposedly they're hunting down the title.  I so get that mentality---me, the person who never remembers where I put things.  The husband shared with my woodboy some issues with the van over and beyond the transmission being rebuilt 20,000 miles ago, being very blunt, and it makes me a bit antsy.  He won't let his wife drive it with the kids in it, but is okay giving it away.  Gary flew right by that comment, but I was left scratching my head.  Given that we'll have to drive it from their house over the river to get it here, I don't know, maybe I'm just paranoid.

Okay, I am paranoid.  Life has been too paranoid-producing these past few months (and I'm sure you're tired of that old song and dance) and we're in the mode of just waiting for the next slap-down.  Not a healthy attitude, but it's the only one I've got to go on now.

Now, don't fuss at me.  Just trying to build up my courage again.  A daily challenge.  Gary and I both feel as if someone consistently has their foot poised to trip us up, and we keep falling over it.  Literally.
  

I read a quote in The Reivers last night which was so spot on, I could've written it myself.  Correction.  I'm no Faulkner, but the quote was perfect for my mental state.  And is today.

"Because what I wanted was to be back home.  I wanted my mother.  Because you should be prepared for experience, knowledge, knowing:  not bludgeoned unaware in the dark as by a highwayman or footpad.  I was just eleven, remember.  There are things, circumstances, conditions in the world which should not be there but are, and you cant escape them and indeed, you would not escape them even if you had the choice, since they too are a part of Motion, of participating in life, being alive.  But they should arrive with grace, decency.  I was having to learn too much too fast, unassisted; I had nowhere to put it, no receptacle, pigeonhole prepared yet to accept it without pain and lacerations."

When you feel as I do (we do) now, folks who are living comfortably have the tendency to try to set you straight, get you out of your doldrums.  Commiseration is more appropriate now.  Understanding and compassion.  I'm waiting for the eternal shoe to drop, and unfortunately, it keeps on dropping.  A quiet weekend with no, absolutely no, drama would be nice.

Positives:  We have the money from the girl's insurance settlement on the Suburban in our hot little hands.   A blessing, and you wonder what the heck's the problem, huh?  Indecision, I guess.  We have the rental until Thursday, which is nice.  I think we need dinner out. :)