I said slowly: "I hadn't realized I was so desperate."
"That suggests you've been living with the problem for so long that you've grown to think of it as a normal part of life. Are you going to tell me what the problem actually is? After making such a hash of our introduction I feel the least I can do is make amends is to listen if you want to talk!"
I was still trying to find the words to thank him when the receptionist arrived with my medicine, the strong tea.
~~~
"I'm often asked to help people who express distress through their use of food or some other substance, and I can tell you that adopting an authoritarian stance and giving lectures is usually a complete waste of time."
~~~
"She's probably despaired of solutions. The despair's eaten away at her and created an empty space which in turn sets up a pain so excruciating that she feels she can only drink to blot it out."
I've realized something the past few days that's been a real eye-opener. And the truth has come in a bit of a comical way. Two times in the past couple of weeks my rings have fallen off of my hands. For many years I've not been able to wear my wedding rings---weight gain with lots of pregnancies and the expense of re-sizing them hasn't been part of the budget. Gary bought me another ring for our 24th anniversary (6 years ago) and I've been wearing that with a thin band against it. Neither were expensive and have served as substitute rings. Well, back to the falling off rings---twice in the past two weeks they've fallen off, once in a pile of clean laundry and then once when I was changing. And oddly enough, my wedding rings fit again, with no effort of mine at all. Had to put away the substitutes though.
It hit me that I'm finally dealing with some emotional pain that's been a burden for years. And oddly enough, it stems from the spoiled relationship(s) I'm experiencing with my mom and 2 brothers right now. Finally I'm taking a role that is one of control and not being controlled. I'm not bingeing and not craving food when it's not mealtime. And I'm losing weight without even having to think about it.
The quote above talks about expressing distress through the use of food or another substance---and how the despair's eaten away at her and created an empty space. Exactly. I knew Gary and the children weren't my trigger, but hadn't realized to what extent my relationship with my extended family was to blame. Always I've given in and have played the little helpless girl. I'm not doing that anymore, and while the word 'empowerment' is sort of too much like a feminist's word, it seems to fit. I feel stronger and more able to stand up for myself. That void that's been filled by food isn't empty anymore, or at least, is getting smaller.
The book I've taken the quotes from mentions something else I can't seem to locate in it. The woman in the book with the weight problem berates herself for being so heavy, but the priest she talks to says that she doesn't need to diet. He says something about how she just needs to be listened to and cared for---something like that. Turns out later on in the book that he was right. The weight fell off without any effort on her part. She just learned to love herself regardless of what anyone else said.
(quotes taken from Susan Howatch's The Miracle Worker)
