Wednesday night

Got out the embroidery that's been sitting in my red glass bowl on the side table (bowl courtesy of Gary going dumpster diving a few years back), and did a square for the Pugs.  Had forgotten how satisfying that a needle and thread is in my hand.  Soothing.  I realize that's not the way with everyone, but it seems to work for me.

And with today being very busy, with the three youngest going out with me all day, it's nice to think of sitting and stitching some more tomorrow.

Hauled the kids to a library a distance away, just to get out of our regular stomping ground.  Then got home to rest and eat a sandwich for about 30 minutes before it was time to go pick up fourth son at work. Then to the store for my mom, then to her house to deliver things, then Gary came by to get us back home (after borrowing my mom's car).  So extraordinarily glad to be back here.  Deliriously happy.  Thinking with a few groceries now in the house again that tomorrow will be spent totally at home.  Not a step off of our property.  I don't think I could bear it.  Might just explode if someone makes me leave. Don't even try.

See, I enjoy being home with little variance.  Home is good.  Tease me with an every-so-often visit to a bookstore, and I'm fine for a looooong time.

Besides, as I've said, going to my mom's sort of wigs me out.  Now that she has groceries as well, we probably won't be back to her house until Saturday. She'll have therapists tomorrow, and one brother will take her dinner on Friday.  That means freedom for me for two whole days.  Cause for celebration, I'm thinking.

Besides, I've got a book to finish reading to review---Myquillyn Smith's book called The Nesting Place, and am reading Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way---curious about her take on creative usage of time, and will begin tomorrow writing 3 "morning pages" as she calls them.  Words to get out of our heads before the day begins.  A purge for the head, I reckon.  And I got my head into a library book for awhile as well, and it's called Starting from Scratch by Susan Gilbert-Collins.  So far, so good.

The kids already have their assignments for schoolwork tomorrow, so I'm free to do as I like.  Delicious.

Muttering to myself

When you have younger kids at home, the hormonal disturbances of the older ones are diverted just a tad.  But, when your remaining children at home are feeling their oats---well, let's just say that an evening out with a husband is a welcome diversion.  Hope tonight is that night, or maybe tomorrow, and at the last resort, Thursday.  Madness will ensue if I have to wait any longer.  There's a magazine at Barnes & Noble I want to see called Daphne's Diary.  Not sure if it'll be in stock, and unfortunately the two locations of B&N aren't near, but it'd be a nice outing nonetheless.

Add to that a stroke-surviving mother whose requests are short of bizarre.  My brain can't keep up. Yesterday she said her next door neighbor had made her some soup.  But the neighbor has a sore bunion and couldn't bring it over, so she asked if Mom could walk over.  Insert maniacal laughter.  Mom says on the phone she wants me to come over and get it for her.  I ask why the neighbor's husband can't do that. She laughs.  I'm not laughing.  I have no car, and have to oftentimes leap tall buildings to do what my mom needs.  So, asserting myself, I tell Mom we'll see....Turns out hours later the husband toddled over and got her the soup.  End of story.  You think?  The real clincher was Mom saying I could come over and borrow her car, which means someone has to take me over there to get her car, which has nothing to do with soup, but in her head it all makes sense.  See what I mean about bizarre?

Yes, my mom had a stroke, but this is a small example of what I call her princess mindset.  She's always very grateful for whatever we do, but is often unable to see that it's sometimes a case of 'one more thing' that gets me. After weeks of going to 'tuck her in at night' on a regular basis, I realized (through the wisdom of oldest daughter who'd been watching my mental state begin to sag), that I can't keep up with a daily visit to my mom.  Besides it being hard on my emotions, the constant requests get to me.  Nothing is of a desperate need for her, but she acts as if everything needs to be done NOW. And it's those little digs about wondering if certain things have been followed through on---even if they're insignificant, that hang onto me.  Yeah, I need a date night.

About to pull out my embroidery, a sure cure for what ails you.  I tend to tune out the world when I have a needle in my hand, and can't for the life of me figure out what keeps me from it.  I have the same amount of hours in the day as I always have had---don't spend an inordinate amount of time online.  Just don't get it.  I think I must sit in place with a dazed expression on my face. Life is just sometimes a bit more than I can handle.  I think God invented hand sewing as a coping mechanism for females.  Not kidding.

My scattered thoughts...

Rattled today.  It rained all day yesterday, which was so restful, but woke up this morning to very heavy wind.  And as I was hearing the tornado siren, the wind changed and began to sound just plain odd.  It sounded wrong, plus the sky was light green.  Not a good thing to see when a tornado siren is blaring. Found out a bit later that a tornado had been spotted going to the NE, and it's very possible the sound we heard was the edge of that.  Unsettling for sure.  At the time I was unaware of the damage and lives lost in Arkansas to our west.  Too much bad news.

Then Gary's truck wouldn't start, and it turns out his distributor was full of water from the rain.  He fixed it later on.  Also got a call from Joseph and he's been the target of a prank at the Base.  Just nonsense, but it makes me anxious.  Glad he'll be done there at the end of May, but still, that's a few weeks away.  And his birthday is tomorrow (Tuesday) and I've never been separated from my children on their birthdays. Darn it.

Sometimes life is too full of uncertainties, and with daily (or almost daily) strange conversations with my mom, the weather today, plus Joseph's struggles, I'm a bit overdone.

I believe some hand-sewing is in order for tomorrow.  The clouds should have blown away by then, and maybe the day can be peaceful.

A restful Friday

Lit some Frankincense/Myrrh in my little incense burner in the window. The breeze is moving it around the room....bliss.  We had a refreshing storm last night, and the air is cool. The curtains are blowing.

Had tea out the with the chickens, and listened to the men talking and hammering on a new roof a couple of houses down. That's an encouragement, knowing a vacant house is being restored.  Wild birds about, chickens not eating the banana I cut up for them (go figure), greening trees, blossoms falling off of the Dogwood that hangs over our fence....just a quiet morning.  My legs got cold, even though I was sitting in the sunshine.

And I got out two books to look into for the spring.  One is At the Still Point compiled by Sarah Arthur, it's one to read once Ordinary Time begins on the Liturgical Calendar, which is Pentecost (June 8th).  Looking forward to this one.  She puts together a devotional using Scripture, poems, and literature and while I've saved the book and hardly cracked the cover, still, it looks dishy.  I'm making myself wait before reading too much of it.  Bonnie, it makes me think of you. :)

Will read more of Breathing Room:  Open Your Heart by Decluttering Your Home by Lauren Rosenfeld and Dr. Melva Green as well.  I'm reading that one in fits and starts.  They talk about the emotional attachments we have to our things, and explain how to peel off some of the baggage that causes us to retain items we really ought to let go of.  More than any other book on the subject, I'm understanding how to decide which things are keepers and which are better tossed.  And why a radical throw-out isn't the best idea.  You have to deal with the sticky parts of our saving....the why's....or we'll just save more stuff we don't need.  It's about getting to the bottom of our issues.

So...

For the rest of the day will make a batch of peanut butter cookies, put on a dear little chicken to simmer (shhh, don't tell ours...remember, we don't eat our friends) in my cast iron pot for Chicken Curry tonight. And will help the least one get down the steps out back.  She twisted her knee the other day and is having to hobble around on crutches.  Thankfully she's better and we already had crutches.  No doctor visit necessary, just rest, ice and the like.

Will go now.  Nothing pressing, but a quiet day of home doings.

Beauty

~from the church's website

"Once in New Hampshire I had contrived a Sunday outing to the Church of the Transfiguration in Bretton Woods for Evensong.  I wanted to hear the boys' choir which sang there.  I shall never forget that afternoon.  I was at once in paradise and hell. I thought I had never seen and heard such beauty: the mountain valley, the brown-grey stone of the little church, the handsome congregation, the candles and crosses and dark wood, the beautiful faces of the choir boys and the seraphic music.  We sang "Saviour, Breathe an Evening Blessing", and, during the recessional, when I was in an agony, knowing that it was over, and that I would never see this again, we sang "Ten Thousand Times Ten Thousand".  I was in a transport of grief, frenzy, and ecstasy.  I felt that I had suddenly stumbled across something that had been there all along and that I had missed.  Something had pushed open the tiny door into the garden, and I would never be consolable after that glimpse.  It all had something to do with beauty and loss and antiquity and irrevocability and desire and vision."~from Thomas Howard's book Christ the Tiger

Mid-week

Put up a post here about my mom, but just moved it over here.  Hadn't put anything up there in about a week, and had sort of forgotten I had a dedicated spot to chatter about her stroke.

I talked about taking time away from my mom, which is very healing.  I think I'll re-schedule how I manage my visits with her, being that they really take their toll on my mental/physical health.

And, I realized I'd not processed our son's Nat'l Guard life.  With her situation being so mentally exhausting for me, I've not given myself time to think about Joseph, and that's why I've posted photos of the graduation here and on FB. It came to me that it'd been shoved aside when the girls and I recently took dinner to my newly-widowed aunt.  My cousin was there and she asked about Joseph, and she said she didn't know how she'd deal with having a child in the military.  I sat there and thought about what she'd said, finally sinking in that I've held onto a brave face, and likely needed to deal with some stress related to his choice of lifestyle.

And when things make me cry with little effort, figure they need time to be resolved and tended to.

So yesterday the kids and I cleaned up some outside.  I took off one storm window, wiped off the spiderwebs and washed it down, and put it back up.  A small step in tidying my nest.  Didn't have much energy for much more, but it was restoring.  I need to plan more of that.  So necessary and refreshing. While the kids do their Spanish CD in a minute, will scurry around and do a bit. Cleaning can be a pain or therapeutic.  Today it's the latter.

My boy

Just posted this on FB via our son's request. This was Graduation Day last month.  Best hug EVER. And that's Gary patting him on the back.

A joyous Easter

Went to the Easter Vigil at church last night. More wonderfulness. Lots of music and Scripture, culminating in us reaffirming our baptismal vows and our priest passing down the aisle, sprinkling us as he passed. I loved that. Afterward we had a dinner, which was the perfect ending.  Today was a traditional Easter service, but honestly, I enjoyed Maundy Sunday's service most of all.  Just so raw and true.  I'm a fan of 'what you see is what you get' and that was perfect.  Painful, but perfect.

Now resting a bit before frying chicken for the least one's birthday, which was yesterday, but we're celebrating it for two days.  She wanted to go to church last night and eat at the Easter banquet, so we've postponed her dinner until tonight.

Curious about last night's doings.  The evening began without candles lit, except for a couple.  Then, as the evening progressed, the stories in the New Testament culminated with Christ as the Light of the World in the book of John, and the candles were lit, the lights in the nave turned on and I felt as if a darkness had fallen off of me.  Not feeling it so much today...just tired, but it was such a strong emotion.  The hard times of our son being in the Guard and away, plus my mom's stroke have been so burdensome.  In addition to Christmas busyness, all the cold weather and Lent, it's been a difficult few months.  I'm ready for a fresh beginning. And I'm ready now.  Sounds pretty blissful, doesn't it?

On Good Friday

Went with two youngest girls to Maundy Thursday services at church last night.  What's so amazing about that service is the stripping of the altar afterward, at the end of the evening.  The altar linens are folded up, crosses/crucifix taken out, the candles extinguished and removed, the prayer books and Bibles taken out the door---everything that signifies Christ's presence.  When the significance of what's happening hits, it really can be awe-inspiring.  Think of the Last Supper, Christ's prayer watch at the Garden of Gethsemane, and how His presence was briefly missing after the Crucifixion.  Darkness.

After the items are taken from the church proper, our priest said some final words, then the lights were turned out and the acolytes ran from the room, slammed the doors and then there was silence.  Quite awful.

Then we left silently.  I went to the service last year and it brought tears to my eyes then.  Just thinking of Christ not being where I can always find him, whether in my heart or at the church is dreadful.

Then after taking the girls home, I went back for my hour at the Easter vigil.  Did it last year as well.  From the end of Maundy Thursday's service, we signed up for one hour intervals until 5:30pm tonight.  A total of 22 hours of someone praying continually.  It was bliss.  The quietest place I've been for months.  So peaceful to be in the church when nobody else is there, and doubly so to just be able to sit.  Prayer comes easy when there are no distractions.

Now I'm in bed with incense burning (frankincense and myrrh).  Was struck by how I need to allow for quiet each day, and have been gradually making an area by my side of the bed more altar-like.  A place to escape, light a candle and be still.  My new plan, and one necessary at this stage of my life for my sanity.

Feeling settled

I feel content.  Deeply content.  House note paid, utility bill paid, food in the house for 2 days, and that about covers it.

Church services on Thursday, also on Friday (which we won't attend, because I can only do so much), a dinner there on Saturday night after our Easter vigil, and of course Sunday's Easter celebration.  The least one's birthday is on Saturday as well, and since she wants to go to the dinner Sat. night, we'll have her birthday dinner on Sunday.  Can you keep up with all of that? I'm making fried chicken, which I will only do about twice a year, if that.  It's an event. :)

And in a minute will shut down the laptop and clean up some strawberries I bought late this afternoon---two quarts for a buck.  Can't beat that.

But I feel good, truly like the cat who got the cream.  Life is hard, but as Gary says, it's still good.

Take care, my loves.

Monday morning

Began reading a very restful book last night.  I picked it up at the church library, and got it mainly for the title, Bread and Wine.  The author is Ignazio Silone, and it's about fascism/the Catholic church/hardship/peasants/Italy/1930s and is wonderful.  And yes, soothing even with those topics being covered.

In some way it reminds me of The Diary of a Country Priest by Georges Bernanos.

Are you sure I wasn't Roman Catholic in a previous life?

Kidding.  No reincarnation for me.  Once is definitely enough.

There is something about certain writers.  There's a quality that's missing in most literature---almost a magic.  Some writers can inspire me visually, some just make me feel good inside after I put a book aside, and some cause me to appreciate the day. This one does the latter. Just walked through the untidy living room, saw the Pugs all cozied up on the sofa and said to myself, "Yes, it really is a good day."

I read an email on Saturday about a video this guy had out about how America is destined for disaster.  How we need to stockpile food, ammunition, etc.  Watched about 5 minutes of it and figured it wasn't good for my health to torment myself any longer.  Besides, he was all about how amazing he was since he had this wonderful information to share with folks.  Honestly, I don't believe the Lord would have me drink in all that heavy stuff.  If I buy into it (and maybe this guy is totally on the up and up and we're headed for the brink), I'll be tormented daily, wondering if I have enough food set aside, and where we'll get our water.  But on the other hand, if I trust God, I'll have peace.  Easy toss-up.  Doomsday apostles never set well with me anyhow.

So today we tidy the house for sweet Indian boyfriend to come to dinner.  I'll borrow oldest daughter's truck and do errands---mostly for my mom.  Schoolwork in the afternoon. Vacuuming and the washing of clothes.  More reading.  Open windows for today, and closing them tonight---expecting the thirties!  Deep breaths and affection for the gift of another day.

(added to the bottom of this page the link to the blog I'm keeping about my mom's stroke---not pretty, but as it is)

Church thoughts

Palm Sunday.  Could I love our church anymore?  I don't think so.

After the service, oldest daughter (who visits very often) got waylaid by our priest to mention something about her impending, but not planned yet, no engagement as of yet, no 'will you marry me?' yet situation.  He told her that with the mood in the world today, the church is changing its habit of allowing the building to be used for marriages outside the church membership, and even though I'm a member, she'd have to be on the roll herself to qualify. I'm in total agreement.  The church doesn't want to be caught in a lawsuit turning someone down for the privilege of using the building for a wedding that goes against what we believe is right in God's eyes.  You know where I'm going with this.  Bottom line, she has to become a member.  Her non-fiance doesn't, but the Vestry is trying to cover all the bases.

As opposed to the mainline Episcopal church in America these days, we (the reformed Episcopal church aka Anglican) strongly take a stand against abortion, same-sex marriage and while divorce is frowned upon, there are several members who have divorced and remarried. Hence the Anglican church is making a strong comeback, acquiring members from the Episcopal flock who just can't stand the direction that group is taking.

So, go us.

Just a little background.  If you don't know what to ask, you might not know, and I don't like for anyone to think we're keen on the huge Episcopal church in America.  They really have embraced everything that I believe Christ's church is against.

Added after initial post:  For clarity, since it can be confusing.  Anglicans are Episcopalians. The term Anglican is used more in Great Britain, with Episcopalian being more American in usage. Conservative Episcopalians in the US are starting churches including their beautiful history, but using the name Anglican.  That makes a safe distinction from their brothers/sisters who are in the baser liberal Episcopal church.  Ask a conservative cradle Episcopalian about the degradation of the church and you'll see heads roll.  Passion.  My goodness.

Looking inside

~milk in my lap outside, w/ a chair as a worthy prop

Sat out with our sweet chickens and had my tea this morning.  I got out there before the 3 youngest were up and moving, and I enjoyed the quiet. Really enjoyed. it.

Thought about how crowded my brain can get.  How I want to appreciate things more, especially in the light of my mom's stroke and how mind-blowing that disability can be.

I want to breathe deeply, see more, and really live.  But I want it all---to really live but to avoid the pain.  The thing is, the hard parts help me to focus on the joys.  Just hard to keep them dusted off.

The minutes

With not using my mom's car this week I've been able to get my head on straight again.  Well, as straight as it gets 'round these parts.  Seems I'm always a bit side-ways.  Not driving her car and being without a vehicle of my own has locked me into being at home, which has been a very good thing.  Stuck, so to speak.

Making dinner tomorrow for my aunt (mom's sister) who lost her husband a few weeks ago and who had his service while we were out of town.  Makes his passing a bit distant to my heart, having not been able to share in his burial.  Glad I saw him in the hospital recently.  I knew then that it would be the last time.

My aunt is recovering from a fall last week, which I mentioned.  Such doings in our family.  You think things will go on as they have before, old folks outliving everyone and all of a sudden, it's all changed.  In the last six months much has gone on.

Seems all the pain I seem to be surrounded with has allowed me time to stop and appreciate things. Maybe I'm gaining perspective.  Hope so.  When you see folks' lives change in a brief moment, the minutes ahead of me seem more precious.

To watch the cream swirl in my cup of tea.  To sweep up the leaves and dry mud the dogs and our shoes bring in the house---always sweeping.  Slicing potatoes for a pie.  Washing my hands with soap that smells like rosemary.  Listening to a new song.  Separating threads to guide through a needle.

Just ordinary things that seem special because any of those moments could be the last.  Or if not the last, at least not thought of as dearly as they might.

A quiet Tuesday

Just checked the weather online and the site I go to says that rain will begin in 16 minutes. My goodness, no guesswork there.  I remember reading someone talk about how we look online or check the radio for things that are smack in front of our faces.  We don't have to be intuitive anymore since we depend on someone else to fill us in.  I see some truth in that.  I do like to plan ahead, though.  If I know the rain is coming, I won't do so much wash to hang out.  But still, I get it.

Trying to keep my focus low-key today.  Have spaghetti sauce bubbling away, will do schoolwork with kids this afternoon, keeping the house clean has gotten easier with the de-cluttering I've been engaged in, and trying to have an all-around easy afternoon.

Nothing new here.  Just juggling and keeping my b/p at a level place.

Hoping to pick some wild violets in the next day or so.  It's supposedly a very useful herb. Need to get some more brandy, and oldest daughter was going to ask her boss if I could have some of the vodka she keeps in her freezer at work (it was for a function she had and it's just sitting there).  Might be nice to try something new.  I did make a tincture out of elderberries and brandy and it's supposed to be as powerful as that Tami*flu folks take.  The younger girls caught a sinus/cold from the nursery at church, and oldest daughter and I were having the first signs of it as well.  Began taking several doses of the elderberry and it seemed to tamp down the illness, and in a couple of days we were all fine.  Maybe there is something to that elderberry, eh?

Well, that's it from me.  Just keeping it level.

End of the week...

Overtired last night.  Slept through a very loud (so the kids say) thunderstorm the previous night, so I'm thinking I need to rest more.  When I go to sleep, which is quick and easy, I sleep hard.  I told Gary it's my escape mechanism.  Turn off my brain and experience relief.  A mental retreat.

So.

Went out with oldest daughter this afternoon.  Lunch out, which was her treat.  A trip to Michael's for some notecards for writing Joseph at AIT (advanced individual training) camp. Some Easter pretties just for fun, including a tiny ceramic pig, who's adorable.  There's something so appealing about pigs.

Good to get away and out.  To not focus on my mom, even though we went later on and bought groceries, including some for her, which we took over.

Shoot me now.  Sometimes I feel as if life has played a big joke on me.  It's like someone mixed up our name tags and we're not playing the roles I'm used to.  A son in the Army Nat'l Guard (what's up with being a military mom?) and a mother who's not herself.  I need a do over. ;)

New mantra...keep sense of humor.  Keep sense of humor.  Repeat.

After the rain

*Still in bed after drinking my tea.  Chickens making racket in backyard under my window, and I'm thinking they're vying for the choice spots in the hen house for egg-laying.  They can be so fussy.

*Violet the Pug had a seizure yesterday morning before Gary left for work (never happened before), but she seemed fine afterward.  He and I both had the same thought that the chicken poo she seems to relish in had a toxic effect.  Google dog seizures and poisoning ranks up at the top.  Apparently the high phosphorus content in it can be dangerous, though you can also read that dogs eat it all the time (I know, right?) and aren't affected.  We have a full-time job cleaning up after the hens, and Gary says as soon as he's able, he'll fence them in.  Violet has turned into a poo-eating Pug extraordinaire.  Makes me nervous, just the inkling in the back of my head that it'll happen again.  I was having my tea with her in my lap after Gary left for work yesterday and she was asleep and began to dream and run in her sleep.  My adrenaline went whoosh, then I realized she was fine.  Dang. the drama in this house.

*And on the heels of my uncle passing away 2 weeks ago, my aunt (his wife---my mom's sister) fell last night while out at dinner and has a brain bleed.  Seriously?

*But in the midst of all the stuff that's going on, God is still taking care of things.  His Grace washes over even the rough places, and I feel that more now than ever.  Some days feel blessed before I get up and going. Just today, and you might think this sounds silly, but the termite man was scheduled to come today. Gary was showering at about 8:15am, and I was still in bed, wondering when the guy would come.  Knew I had to get up and get dressed. Well, he came as Gary was heading out the door.  I didn't have to do a thing. I believe even that was a God-orchestrated blessing.  He knows it jazzes me not knowing when the guy will come, putting away chickens, opening gate, signing the receipt, just being available.  Not a big deal, but one thing less I have to do.  See...I get anxious about the simplest things, even the termite guy, and God knows that.  Isn't that incredible that He cares about even that?

A glorious sunny afternoon

A full day.  At mom's, at the store, returned home and so happy to be here.  Went over kids' schoolwork to make sure they're not turning into idiots, made a salad and got into bed. Window's up, chickens are clucking outside my window, sunshine streaming in, library books beside me, husband soon to come home (haven't seen him since last night when I went to mom's for the night), anxious to give him a hug, meatloaf-mashed potatoes/gravy-English peas for dinner, a quiet evening with a cup of tea beside me after dinner.

What could be more perfect?