Family stuff

"If you're not ready to deal with something, then you can be pretty sure it's not time to deal with it."~oldest daughter's wisdom

I was talking on the phone to our oldest daughter at noon today--her lunch-time at work, and the phrase she said (above) really spoke to me and gave me some room to just think on things and not act.  I was feeling all scrabbledy about my relationship with my mom and one of my brothers.  Wondering at their silence.

Honestly, I get tired of making the first move.  So tired of it.  And I hate it when relationships go sour.  I guess everyone's got a history, maybe just a small one, with friendships or family situations that have gotten out of hand. When forgiveness is seemingly unattainable.  It's hard.  I tend to be the peacemaker, even when I don't want to because I dislike loose ends.  And I want to be liked, even by my family.  When they're sore at me, it makes me so uncomfortable. Like a happily-ever-after story, I like happy endings.

But but those happy endings are not always part of the picture.  And they aren't here with my extended family, at least not for the time being.

I'm not feeling the Lord's nudging to do something, but more I'm feeling that I need to rest and wait.  But I don't like not knowing what's going on in their heads, and if I think about it, it makes me crazy.

But you know what?  I guarantee I'm the only one who's stewing about this.  There's something about being the only sister to brothers; they (at least my brothers) are absentee siblings.  They're about when there's a family function in town at my mom's, but for consistent support, they've never admitted to that.  And I need to accept that reality.  I really want something I've never had.  Why I've not ever gotten that into my thick head, I'll never know.

So, here I am in bed listening to my husband tap away at his laptop, hearing the boys playing a game on the X-Box, knowing the girls are all in their room together talking and laughing, and about to read a bedtime story to the least one.  And it needs to be enough.  It really does.

Praying the Psalms

I've so enjoyed today with a lighter schedule for me.  Such a relief to have less on my plate.  And speaking of plates---dinner was wonderful as well with Chicken and Dumplings. The least one had a craving, and since it's not a pricey meal, worked out wonderfully.  And fourth son just made up a batch of chocolate chip cookies---delish.  Since it's gotten so cold all of a sudden again, it's cozy to have comfort food to eat.

And let me say this---since I've really applied myself to reading the Psalms morning and night, with the Daily Office, that routine has been one of the most spiritually strengthening things I've ever done.  Amazing.  It's set up in the Common Prayer book that you read for 30 days, but since January is longer, I stretched them an extra day.  I know I've mentioned this before, but really, something has happened in my heart since I've applied myself to this (and it bears repeating).  Our priest has talked about how wonderful the Psalms are, and while I've read them off and on my whole life, this has just been different.  I'd offer the challenge to anyone.  I'll even put a thingamajig on my sidebar beginning on February 1st so that you can follow along.  I guarantee it'll make a difference in how you pray and lean on the Lord.  It's like I've heard at church---reading Scripture might not seem at the time like it's making a difference, but there's power in the Words.  There just is, and you don't even have to believe it.  The change will come.

Even if you read back aways in this blog, so many of my posts are desperate ones.  Frustration with Gary's work, or lack of it.  Worries about meeting bill payments and having groceries in the house.  The problems still exist at times, but my attitude toward them has dramatically changed.  I don't seem to fret so much, and that's all for the good.

Anyway, just something to think about, and maybe do for yourself as well.  A small change can bring about amazing wonderfulness. :)

(clickable photo from pinterest)

'Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking' by Susan Cain

When I first received Susan Cain's book called Quiet:  The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, I laughed at the generous size of it.  Introverts are supposed to be more the silent type, and ones who keep to themselves.  Least that's what the world would have you think. It seems to be a bit of an oxymoron to read such a well-researched and lengthy book about those of us who prefer silence over noise.  Seems that finally an introvert is speaking out.

The book is impressive, and gave me hope as one who was pressured as a child to be part of the crowd.  And while being an introvert isn't the new cool, Cain shows a great deal of respect to that personality type (of which she is one).  She tells of famous individuals who, while introverted, achieved great success.  Some of those are Rosa Parks, Bill Gates, and other names you'd be familiar with.

Her research is amazing, and the book is equipped with her detailed notes, and also reader's helps at the back.  She includes information for raising an introverted child (which I wish my parents had been able to read), and tips for educators.  It seems she's covered it all.

And while she makes it clear that introversion isn't a curse, she does offer validation to those of us who have lived with criticism for not being on the cutting edge of conversations and parties.  To be quiet is okay.  To be silent is acceptable, no matter if anyone agrees with you or not.

Many thanks, Susan Cain, for the encouragement.

(i received this book free to review from waterbrook/multnomah)

Mindful resting

First off, thanks for your sweet notes.  I feel hugged in a cyber sort of way.  Very nice, and needed.

Went out to lunch with 3rd son today, and am always flattered by the kids wanting to spend time with me.  We went to an Indie sort of place nearby.  I had chicken salad (with walnuts and grapes) on a croissant and a mug of English breakfast, and son had a fancy breakfast plate and a milky mug of chai. Beautiful!  It was almost too pretty to drink.

Anyway, we had a wonderful conversation, which we always do.  He's our son who's most like his dad, so being with him is a bit like being with my husband 30 years ago.  What a bonus, eh?  And he was an encouragement to me, saying that none of them (the kids) have grown up to be idiots, so that I can slack off with the teaching and lessen my personal pressure without feeling like I'm letting anyone down.  It helped to hear this, especially when I've been in such a guilt-mode.

So I just got together with youngest son to give him some assignments for the rest of the week, and will do the same with the girls later on this afternoon.  First we have to go pick up 4th son and stop off to pick up some books (chick-lit sort of reading) on hold at the library.  Always lots to do.

But, giving myself the rest of the week off has already helped me feel as if I can exhale.  It's like I'm holding my breath almost all the time.  Waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Tense and anxious, and that can't be good for me.

Feeling like I can breath now and looking forward to making Moussaka for dinner.  Found a recipe for it in my Greek cookbook.  Gary gave me a look last night when he asked what's for dinner tonight.  He then asked if it had meat.  He's so basic.  Not a frilly guy at ALL.  Meat and potatoes is all he wants, and throw in some homemade spaghetti and he's happy.  Yeah, I'm thankful.  He really never puts on the pressure.

Must go now.  Again, thanks for the blog loving.  I appreciate you all so much. :)

(clickable pinterest photograph)

The Facts---and kind of long to read

As the title of this post says:  The Facts.

I'm feeling my age, more the last couple of years than ever before.  I've been homeschooling for about 20 years or so. I'm tired more often than not.  I don't appear to have any health problems that a regular regime of walking around the block won't cure.  I'm hard on myself.  I expect more than I'm able to accomplish.  Rarely do I do anything creative JUST FOR ME to assuage the monotony.  Seems I'm unable to make time for it.  There's always something to clean, or fetch, or let out in the backyard, or hang up, etc..  And no, I don't tend to be a Martha.  It's just the way of it in a house with 10 people.

On the flip side, I have lots to be thankful for.  My husband really does adore me, which makes me scratch my head, especially since he's extra-dishy.  That's a bonus.  I don't often feel I deserve the love and affection he pours on me.  The kids are all good, rarely rebellious (that we're aware of), and they love the Lord.  Some demonstrate it better and more regularly than others, but I don't worry about their souls.  We have a safe place to live, and for the most part, enjoy our neighbors---(except when they have fights in the front yard and call the police on themselves). We are all healthy, and the kids who are old enough are all holding down jobs.  The church we go to is excellent and fills a need that needed filling.  This is all good.

But still, the blessings, while they outweigh the frustrations, don't cancel them out.  Life is still hard (and yes, I realize this true for lots of folks---I'm not special with this).

When I gradually lost the older kids to their full-time jobs, the degree of cleanliness inside disintegrated.  I think the younger ones became so dependent on their older siblings doing certain jobs, that they continued being the babies. There's always been someone to take up the slack.  I believe it's time to assign more jobs around here, so I'm not so burdened.  I really am spread too thin.

Well.  If you've gotten this far, you've gotten an earful, eh?  Nothing that most homeschool moms haven't already experienced.  Life is full, and in a good way, but difficult at those times when it gets a bit ragged.  And just talking this out helps.

Must go now.  Time to fetch 4th son at his job and then go to the store.  Thanks for listening. :)

Sunday afternoon

Wonderful church service.  Major deliciousness at church potluck.  Annual meeting afterward.  Sweetness with our priest acknowledging new members this past year, including those of us who were confirmed.  The high point to me was when he mentioned that third son of ours was the one who got our family involved in the first place---he went a couple of Sundays, asked me to go with him, and that's all she wrote.  Our priest even laughed and said that third son even came on his skateboard to church, which is true.  All true.  Too bad that son had already left so missed out on the applause they gave for him.  It really was so sweet.  

This particular son is the wild seed, or he'd like to be.  Gary tells him that there's a price to pay if you want to be awfully rebellious, which Gary well knows.  We're thinking this son believes it's a bit romantic to play the wild card, but he's really more of a wanna-be, and not really that rowdy.  Anyway, his longboard riding to church services has won him over to several of the folks at church, mostly the older members. Interesting, that.

Anyway, a sweet day at church, but we're tired now.  Will have an easy dinner garnished with some leftover fried chicken someone gave us at lunch.  More yum-ness.  And Downton Abbey to follow.  All good.

Reading and such

Tomorrow there's a potluck dinner after the morning service.  I'd been fretting over what to take, but got quiet this afternoon over a good book and realized I was getting worked up for nothing.  Gary reminded me that I love this little church and am doing what I've dreamed of doing for years---you know, getting involved and enjoying the participation.  He was right---I was just over-thinking everything.

We're taking potato salad, which is from scratch, and cupcakes made from a box mix and a ready-made frosting.  How easy is that? And rumor has it that there will be homemade meatloaf and fried chicken.  I'm thinking it'll all be yummy.

The book I mentioned above is Susan Howatch's The Wonder Worker, which is very, very good (excerpt HERE).  Her writing is so thorough, seems I can't get enough of it. Her books are lengthy too, which is a treat.  This one is just over 500 pages, and makes quite a noise when it falls off the bed and onto the piles of other books.  Off they slide, causing me to take giant steps when I get out of the bed.  I'm such a glutton.  My side of the bed is one mass of books.  Do I buy clothes?  Goodness no, always books.

Enjoying the quotes at the beginning of the chapters as well, especially those from a small book called A Question of Healing by Gareth Tuckwell and David Flagg.

"You need help and support as you resolve to journey with your pain rather than to anaesthetise it at regular intervals...Key relationships are crucial."

Excellent.

Photo copyright information

Just a heads up and not meant to scare anyone.  I've read of one person I *know* of online who's being pursued by a major online photo supplier since she's used one of their photos with an expired license (which makes no sense to me, but that's not the issue).  I understand it was an oversight on her part, but still she got a letter telling her of the copyright infringement, and she was obviously shaken up about it.

Saying that to say this...I try to be careful to use 'free' photos on this site.  There are several places I usually go for photos, and while I've goofed up at times, lately I've stayed on the safe path.

Not sure how these companies actually find the photos that have been borrowed, but as a mild warning, you might want to check your own blogs to see if any photos fall into the 'not so sure' category.

Now, how to easily find and delete any questionable photos...if you have the Google toolbar...mine is a black strip that pulls up at the top of the page when I type in Google.com using Chrome.  Can't remember if you have to be logged into Google before it pops up, but nevertheless, here we go.  Under 'More' you find 'Photos', and if you're logged into Google, you'll see the photos you've used on your blog(s).  It's at the Picasa album that everyone has who uses Blogger to store their blogger photos.  Next click on a blog (if you have more than one, do them one at a time).  Then click 'Organize'.  At that page you'll be able to click on a photo, or series of photos and delete the ones that might not need to be there.  Much easier than going through your whole blog and finding them.  You will end up with a big minus sign on the post where that photo has been, but that can be cleaned up later on.

Hope this helps and doesn't end up making anyone scratch their heads too awfully much.  I know I've naively used photos before when I probably shouldn't have.  Thinking this clean-up will prevent any problems in the future.  Take care and just pay attention. :)

Bullwinkle, part 2

Well, the joke's on me.  At least I think it is.  I'd thawed one package (of three) of the moose meat, and opened it up after writing the previous post.  Was all prepared to peel a roast-like cut out of the cellophane.  Wrong.  I turned the package into a large plastic bowl, to marinade it a bit, and was shocked to see that it was a huge bunch of liver.  And yes, all three packages are the same. Considering that one son said they could grow to be a 600 lb.  moose, it's likely this was one liver cut into portions.  That's some big liver.

I hollered a bit, saying, "But it's LIVER!"  Over and over again.  The kids laughed and then asked what was for dinner.

Funny.

Turns out I did fry it, like you would calf liver or chicken livers (which, incidentally, I love).  Our dogs were walking through the kitchen like heaven had arrived.  Our oldest and largest dog, Opal the shepherd, walked up to the oven, held her nose as far up as it'd go and with her tongue sticking out just a bit, sniffed and sniffed.  She was in bliss just catching the scent.  So we all tasted it and it wasn't gamey a all.  Quite good, but a tad rich for my taste.  The dogs all got some, and they'll have more tomorrow.

Pizza's in the oven now.

Eating Bullwinkle, among other things

• was given 3 packages of 'game' yesterday---moose meat
• it'll be like cooking bullwinkle
• waiting for the city tree trimmers to hack at our oak out back
• they tend to cut the side off it, leaving it lop-sided
• you can't talk to them, or reason with them
• they just cut
• and send the most charming of the workers to your door, so as to convince you that they're doing this in your best interest
• not convinced, but don't mind charming men----in their place
• our mentally disturbed (diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic...and no, it's not a bit amusing) next-door neighbor is leaving his rottweiler outside non-stop today, and i'm thinking he's doing it to discourage the trimmers from getting in his backyard
• good luck with that
• the hard part is we can't let our dogs out until his dog is back in his house
• they go into attack mode when his dog is out---and bite the wooden fence
• who said dogs are bright?
• like, what are pugs going to do with a rottweiler?
• seriously
• rather, what's a rottweiler (and a male, at that) going to do with little pugs?
• a bit frustrated in the mothering department today
• some of our boys have the trait of needing prodding
• they'll do what you ask (and willingly) but you have to ask
• they don't initiate
• very maddening
• i don't get the characteristic of not realizing what NEEDS doing, and just doing it
• why isn't that clear to everyone?
• what gets me is that my last helpful son (next to youngest boy) has work away from home four days/ week now
• good for him, not good for me
• he's spoiled me by his good helpful habits
• well, must go now
• to-do list has on it:  math, latin, sweep, mop, vacuum, journaling, banking, taking 3rd son to work, picking up 4th son at his job and getting a couple of things at the store
• ready, set, GO

Faithworks

Okay, so I admit to being a pray-er who has tended to be 'the-house-is-on-fire' sort.  I panic and get all serious about praying for things when I'm scared.  Life begins to pinch and out comes my prayerful attitude. Pretty pathetic.

However.

Since I've been reading Psalms morning and evening this month, my outlook has changed quite a bit.  I don't feel as desperate, and almost feel more content. It's not knee-jerk praying that I'm doing, but more deep-felt, if that even makes any sense.  It's more of a thread that weaves through my day.  And about those Psalms---The Book of Common Prayer has a set-up where the Psalms are read through completely every month.  Of course, you don't need someone to tell you how to read them, but a organized plan seems to keep me up to speed.

It also makes sense that if a person spends more time with God that they'll feel more secure.  Wish I hadn't always been such a stubborn student about that. And really, simply being a Sunday Christian isn't much help in the world these days.  Life is harder and requires a steadier faith.  Workin' on that.

Yeah, the bills are still late, and it's sometimes a daily effort to trust in that Daily Bread.  But you know, it's there.  Always.  Sometimes late, but eventually always there.  We're in a fallen world, remember.

And you know what gives me a rush?  When I ask the Lord for/about something and almost instantly the answer shows its face.  Just blows me away.  And yes, it's happened a lot lately.

Pug Zen

Got a little yin and yang going on here.

A Day in the Life of a Men's Monastery

This is one of the very best, if not THE very best video I've ever watched online (link HERE).  It's an Orthodox men's monastery in a country called Abkhazia, near Georgia.  The colors, the angles of the camera, the simplicity---it's all a wonder.  In the space of just under 30 minutes you're taken through an ordinary day.  It's all deliciously mesmerizing.

Enjoy.

A lightbulb moment

• church today----ah, i can breathe again---such a refreshment
• didn't take communion because of this lingering cough, but enjoyed the service
• great music, including one i'd heard there before 'in Christ there is no east or west'---gorgeous
• enjoyed having 5 of my brood with me
• there's a potluck next week---signed up for 2 things---not sure what those 2 things will be, though
• reading patricia highsmith's mr. ripley mystery series---highly recommend
• got something from reading Psalms today that hadn't ever hit me before
• was doing my daily office before church and i realized that God really does want to have a relationship with me
• He didn't just put us here to muddle along by ourselves
• duh
• some spiritual truths are lost on me until the appropriate time
• that's been happening a lot to me this month
• reading the Psalms daily really has been an eye-opener
• it's messing with my head, but in a good way
• sometime i admit to feeling like i bug the Lord when i ask for things or get frustrated over and over
• don't get me wrong, i know a relationship with the Lord is necessary---just hadn't admitted the magnitude of it until this morning
• He wants me
• really
• and i find that absolutely amazing
• asking for help is easier now because i deeply know that He *wants* to help, and always has

More tangled thoughts

It's a sad, but true fact that the way we perceive ourselves through our parents and siblings can come back to haunt us at anytime.  I sort of broke down today while in the parking lot at the dental school.  I'd left fourth son at his appointment, and because we were downtown, I stuck around, not wanting to desert him.  Anyway, walked next door to the McD for a bag lunch and brought it back to my truck, which was in the paying parking lot behind the school.  Was texting Gary for a minute, while he was working on something at his shop, being that that's sometimes easier when he's gluing things up and all.  Anyway.

Have been so frustrated at the lack of communication with my brothers, one in particular.  He's harsh and doesn't want to hear what I have to say.  This on the heels of my mom not wanting the kids to come over to visit her regularly, and she's not been interested in seeing them in over a month. Yes, even over Christmas.  Get your head around that fact.  Two shut doors.  I admit to feeling a bit sorry for myself, but don't know as it's all unjustified.

Told Gary that it made me feel unlovely and rejected for the two situations to happen within weeks of one another.

See, I still want my family's approval.  Might want to focus my view a tad closer to home, eh?  It was sweet to get home late this afternoon to a hug from middle daughter.  Just a simple hug, not for any reason but she was glad we were back.  Total acceptance.  She doesn't like it, even at 14, when her people are spread out all over the place, and is deeply satisfied when everyone is at home in their own beds at night.  She doesn't ask for much, and I admire that simplicity.  As they say, "Here's where it's at."  Need to remember that.

Sickness and waiting rooms

You know how it is when you get hit with a head cold, virus, or whatever you want to call it.  I know it's not the flu, but is annoying just the same.  I'm muzzy-headed.  Feel as if I've walked around this week with a sack over my head.

But am improved.  Taking mullein for my cough and sniffling a lot.  I get tired easily, so that's a nice excuse for propping my feet up with a warm garnish of pugs for my lap.  I'll tell you---still one of my very favorite things in the world is when I get my tea tray ready in the morning, sit in my favorite chair with a cover over my lap with pugs on top, drink my hot tea, eat my little bowl of maple brown sugar oatmeal and read my Book of Common Prayer if I've happened to grab it in time before the dogs cuddle up.  There's no getting up for missed items once Daisy and Violet claim their space. But, really, it's pure pleasure and the quietest part of the day.

Tomorrow I take fourth son the dental school again.  Last week I think he was in there for 3 hours, so am about to find a book to take in the pile I got at the library today.  I finished one last week with the appointment being so long.  I don't tend to read in such long stretches, and just wanted to sit afterward.  He had about an hour to go after my book closed, so I just people-watched for entertainment.  It's always interesting to listen to folks.

Last week, a very ordinary and slightly geeky-looking young man sat near me, with one seat between us.  His grandfather was very loud and commanding (very Northern---and no offense intended, remember I'm married to a Yankee) and sitting on his other side. The grandfather said to his grandson that he had a hankering (not his word, but mine) for soft pretzels.  He said he didn't know of a place near to get one.  I tapped the boy on the arm and he gifted me with the most glorious smile covered in braces (hidden in that slightly geeking-looking body) and I told him that he could get the pretzels at Target.  Then I got to talking to the grandfather who unnerved me a bit, being very out-going and loud.  I forgot the way to the Target since he sounded like he knew way more about that Target (even though it wasn't in his neck of the woods) and am afraid I ended up sounding like I was just babbling.  Then the grandfather made noises that it was too far and he really didn't want them anymore anyway. Hope the grandson keeps his charming and winning ways and doesn't become blustery as well.  People are funny.

Now off to book browse.  See you later. :)

Mid-week

Life is funny just now.  Am in a draining situation with my two older brothers, trying to make heads or tails of my mom's plans for her Will, etc. Lots of mis-communication going on.  Drama, harsh words, misunderstandings and just doggone frustration.  And my mom is unaware that we're having this little fuss-fest.  Just as well since it's hard for her to see her children at odds.  But it happens.  To lots of folks.

I was praying about it this morning, pretty wired up and needing to feel settled.  The main thing I felt the Lord tell me was to just focus on my own family and let my mom's business alone.  Let it be, and allow it to play out by itself.  Really anything I could do would just sort of 'stir the pot' anyhow, so walking away seems appropriate at this juncture.

Breathe.

One thing I've had trouble in the past with is recognizing that I don't have to be attempting perfection for the Lord to bless me.  Way before my present Anglican journey I inhaled lots of teaching that was works oriented.  It's hard to get past that.  To know that I really will never get things completely right, and it's okay to not try for that all the time.  Life doesn't have be one big grueling experience.  And know what?  It's alright to totally mess up.  I find that fact pretty darn refreshing.

And in addition, I'm experiencing small joys that seem to be directed solely at me.  Just me and God getting a tickle out of our relationship.  Pretty cool.

Books and more books

I was re-reading Josephine Moffet Benton's The Pace of a Hen last night and this quote jumped out at me.

"Why did so many of the saints suffer grievous physical afflictions?  Paul had his thorn in the flesh, Francis his blindness and ravishing diseases, Teresa her morning sickness and constant discomfort.  Sometimes the only prayer that can be made is one that is wrung out of suffering:  "Lord, take this pain; it is the only gift I have to give." (emphasis mine--and for me, I figure the pain can be emotional and not necessarily physical)

Her book has such clarity, and the older I get it's more valid.  Curiously enough, I figured by this time of my life (53) that I'd have things figured out.  Ha.  Guess I thought my personal maturity would spill over to show that my life was more on an even keel.  Ha again.  Having older children doesn't equal out to having a life that's more orderly, just busier in a different sort of way.

Anyway, in same thread, wanted to share a link I found tonight when I was searching for an e-text of The Cloud of Unknowing---an ancient book written by a monk about contemplative prayer.  That book and several others are on my Wish List at Amazon, and have waited to get them.  I was able to go to this Catholic site (catholicfirst.com) and cut/paste St. John of the Cross' Dark Night of the Soul, Teresa of Avila's Interior Castle, The Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius of Loyola, Orthodoxy by Chesterton, and the Cloud of Unknowing. They formatted beautifully too.  Amazing.  Just thought you'd like to know.

Scrambled thoughts

• wondering what all the fuss is about amish fiction....haven't they written ENOUGH?
• looking at list of books to review at available publishers and gagging on dreamy amish covers 
• and did you know that amish friendship bread has nothing to do that group of folks?  the recipe is online, and not a big secret as sharers of amish friendship starter will lead you to believe
• yes, i was ignorant of that fact as well
• was recently given a zip-loc bag of the starter, rolled up the bag and put it on a shelf on the wall, and missed it one day---was about to mush up the bag for the day's mixing
• overnight it had bubbled up so much in the bag, that it rolled off the shelf and into the garbage can
• gary said, "oh, was that what was sticking half-way out the garbage can, last night?"
• hence i found the recipe online to make the starter from scratch---huh
• and not keen on Victoria magazine anymore---it's sorta too frou-frou to me now (anyone else?)
• segue
• cold right hand from using mouse on laptop in unheated bedroom (long story), but left hand warm from sitting on it
• having bedroom that was the former garage challenges our heating ability---electric radiator sucks the money from us---would rather sit on hands
• sleety rain earlier
• longing for spring-time
• oldest daughter making dinner tonight---something with linguini, chicken, pesto, and mushrooms (yum)
• fourth son's co-worker and our neighbor brought him home for me earlier this afternoon (see point #13)
• love it when others make my life easier
• must go make a cup of hot tea
• the cold weather causes me to clinch my teeth
• have a slight head cold
• not surprised considering EVERYTHING
• a bit het up
• can you tell?

More stuff

Good grief.  All this intense emotion that's been dragged out of me needs to STOP.  Case in point:  I was crying almost as soon as the music started this morning at our second son's church.  The mascara and eyeliner fell off my face about 10 minutes into the service.  I'm a plugged dam ready to be opened. I keep stuffing it down, but just you wait---I'll have a melt-down soon, I reckon.

Great music, by the way.  This little black church in the middle of a sad, sad neighborhood has had many things donated---okay, everything donated---so the sound system, furniture, bathrooms, paint, everything is brand-spanking new.  I say that to say this---the music was beautiful.  Plus, the black churches have a style of singing that white churches don't have.  Their voices are lower and the notes they hit are slightly off-key. But it works.  Listen to a black choir on t.v. and their singing is just different. Wild to be experiencing it in person.  And am I criticizing?  Far from it.  The music was amazing.

Anyway, our son's sermon was on the tax collector and Pharisee in Luke, chapter 18.  He did a beautiful job, and with it only being his second time preaching, did me proud.  Everyone was so full of praise for him and he really has filled a niche at this church.  And while I don't altogether understand it, I don't have to.  He's happy and content, so that's the main thing.

Right now I'm whupped. My mom called this afternoon and the conversation fell into her wanting cremation and spreading over her mom's grave (not sure why she doesn't want to be with my dad).  Not what I wanted to be talking about----dang.  But is it ever something we want to discuss?  No.

Off to make peach cobbler and look forward to Downton Abbey.  And will turn off my brain.

Stuff

Night before last night, after I'd posted the curious funeral post, middle daughter asked if she could bake a chocolate cake.  Just needed to do something grounding, which I totally understood.  And, yes, it was ten o'clock at night, but it was cake.  Who could stand in the way of that?  This past week has been so out-of-the-ordinary that we've all yearned for the mundane and homey things that settle us.  Even oldest daughter said the other night that while she was in her room, she was enjoying listening to the rest of the family talk and rustle around.  Safe things to think about and do---so critical to our well-being.  And it's interesting to me---we naturally gravitate to things that make us feel safe---could be a meal that's comforting, re-reading a book, or sitting outside and just enjoying the quiet.  Whatever slows us down and calms us.

The kids have been watching me too, knowing I tend to have migraines when I'm stressed.  Truly, you hear about 2 folks you know dying within a week of one another and it gives you pause.  Big pause.

Chillin' tonight because tomorrow second son is preaching at an inner city church he's involved in.  Grilling chef by night---occasional preacher man on Sundays.  He told me the funniest thing when he came that time to the Anglican church for middle daughter's first Sunday as an acolyte.  I asked how he liked it and he said it made him wish he was the one behind the pulpit.  Not that he'd ever go for such a high church setting, but the pastor part appealed to him.

Anyway, it'll be interesting to hear him tomorrow morning.  He really is breaking the mold being that the church he's a member of is totally black and in a very poor neighborhood.  So different from what's he's used to, and the thing is, he's there because he believes he can make a difference, race not an issue.  And it seems they love him there too.  Can't ask for better than that.  And on a silly note, he grinned at me when he invited us and said he gets sorta worked up when he preaches.  Way to go, Jacob.

Time to stop

Let's just say that this was a very full and also a very odd day.  This morning looked at an apartment with Gary and second son for him to possibly rent when there's an opening.  Took 4th son to the dental school, which took 3-1/2 hours.  Was briefly at home before having to leave for the funeral of our friend who died on Sunday.

P.U.

And let me say that I sometimes feel I've heard just about everything.  Huh.  Joke's definitely on me.  They were playing rock music at the funeral home during the visitation, and actually with the way we generally dress, Gary and I fitted in really well with the other jean-clad, braided hair, Gary wearing jeans---me having a braid. ;)  Sort of the groovy crowd.

Anyway, I digress.  This was one unusual funeral, and I'm not making fun.  It was just different.  No hymns, but Elvis and Joni Mitchell, which is fine, just a bit out of the ordinary.  We read the 23rd Psalm together, surprising me considering their desire to not have a religious service.  Well, the dynamics changed when the hired preacher talked about our neighbor like he was filling in the blanks.  He literally went on and on, obviously not knowing James, but to give him credit, was likely doing his best considering the strange circumstances.

He kept going for a bit, then James' sister stood up and told him to stop.  Almost hollered.  Stood there and told the preacher, (if he was a preacher---most likely just the guy at the funeral home who leads the services when there's nobody else to do it) to be quiet.  "Yes ma'am," he says to her and sits right down.

Silence.  Deep silence.  Then they begin the Joni Mitchell version of 'Amazing Grace.'  No prayer, just the end.  We left, not wanting to hear anyone rehash the shambles this service was, and were so relieved to get home.

The. Oddest. Funeral. Ever.  One of our sons said that in hearing us talk about it, he was reminded of the hired preachers that would give an off-the-cuff speech over a gunfighter in a western movie.  Exactly.  All I could think of while we were there was a running phrase of 'make it stop' going through my head.

The End.

Here we go again...

Well, nuts.  I mean, really.  Nuts.  We got a call at noon-time from neighbor across the street about her brother (also a neighbor) who had died on Sunday.  I told Gary considering the news we've gotten about deaths lately, I could take up cussing.  But won't.  Wouldn't do any good, and just end up making me feel bad.

The thing is, this most recent death is someone who's rejected the Lord.  He just wouldn't have anything to do with Him.  One of our boys, who used to cut this friend's grass, spent several afternoons on his front porch, sharing the Gospel with him.  He'd listen, but always was able to reason his way out of making a commitment.  And today, his sister talked about the service he would have and that since they, neither one, believed in hell, that that topic wouldn't come up at the funeral (which will be later on in the week).

Well, okay.  Doesn't make the reality go away, though, does it?

And even the elderly neighbor who passed away on New Years would slip out of conversations that had anything to do with Christ.  Two of our boys had shared with him, trying to find out where his heart was in regards to the Lord. The pastor at his service said this man was a 'Christian of the Lutheran persuasion.'  His exact words.  Then the pastor (being, I believe a Baptist minister) gave a winning sermon on salvation for the eulogy.  Still don't know if that neighbor was a believer in the Lord or not, but the pastor sure was.

It's a shame when we minimize the importance of a relationship with Jesus Christ.  When being 'good enough' is supposed to be our ticket into heaven, and saying the word ticket isn't supposed to minimize it, either.

I even get a bit riled at the Anglican church when they say salvation takes place at infant baptism.  Don't get me started.  It's a relationship.  A gift.  And one that requires participation.  Nuts.

The Twelfth Day of Christmas

Resting in bed now.  Turns out 3 our kids were able to go to our neighbor's funeral this morning.  Second son showed up just as they were beginning, and it was sweet to see him afterward.  But the children are taking it hard.  I'll glance at certain of them and see the pain in their eyes.  They've not lost someone close to their hearts in awhile, and it's a bit of a shock.

And sort of on the same topic---as I was thinking of the weekend's dinners last night, I kept coming back to nursery food.  Meals that make a person feel loved.  So, on the way back from the service, I got makings for pigs in a blanket---which oddly enough, I've never made, but always have wanted to. Let's just say that it's not something I grew up eating, but have always liked the way it sounds.  Cozy.  That and boxed mac and cheese (which the least one thinks is fabulous) is what's for dinner.  Easy and hot, requiring a minimum of thought.  Perfect.

Now will tuck up and read.  Nothing's pressing, and there's nowhere to go. Oldest son is still in Toronto, oldest daughter is going out with sweet Indian boyfriend in a bit, 2 boys are at work, Gary's at his shop and the rest of our brood are here.  It's overcast and a perfect day for a nap, or simply to turn off my brain.  Will do.

Oh, and tomorrow we celebrate Epiphany at church.  Should be a sweet service---looking forward to it.

(photo apropos of nothing---just pretty patterns, and, yes, they are slightly off kilter)

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas

Have felt like I've been in a mental fog for such a very long time.  Months and months.  It's a hard feeling to shake, and nothing I do has seemed to make a difference.  Time is the cure, I guess.  That and leaving my frets aside.  Good luck with that, eh?

Anyway, I finished up a book last night---not quite sure what to make of it. There's an introduction by Susan Hill, who've I've read before, and she says she's read The Rector's Daughter (the one I'm referring to) dozens of times. Can't say as I've ever read any book that repeatedly; maybe have finished The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burdett more than any other, but dozens of times?  No. Regardless of how I feel about this book---mixed emotions most likely, there are several quotes I marked and this one really hits the spot. Hoping it'll be a reality sooner than later.

"She began to feel again.  She remembered the moment that she could say after all life was not over.  It was when she heard the small piping song a robin was making to himself, different from the loud chirp with which he greeted his human friends, realizing how deaf and stupid they were.  She had heard it and enjoyed it hundreds of times.  Now it spoke to her with inexpressible consolation.  Another day it was the lovely silvery clouds reposing with  majestic tranquility in the winter sky.  It seemed as if Nature drew near Mary in her need."~from The Rector's Daughter by F. M. Mayor

Today's this and that

Out and about today.  Took fourth son to a job interview (which he was accepted for). Got several Robert Farrar Capon's books at the library (while he was being interviewed), including The Supper of the Lamb, which I've already read.  Others include Kate Morton's The Secret Keeper (always enjoy her books), two by Patrick Taylor in his Irish series.  Some others as well for comfort.  I figure with a funeral to go to on Saturday morning, I'll be smart to chill when I can.  Plus our oldest son flies to Toronto to visit friends tomorrow, so there's enough to think about.  Add to that 4th son's new job that begins on Monday that'll require toting to and fro.  It's busy around these parts!

I'm realizing anew all the time that as a parent, it really isn't ever about me. Once the kids get up and about, life is about helping them with their business and growing up.  I feel like the mirror that reflects back at them, if that even makes any sense.

Anyway.

After dinner, oldest daughter and I went to the grocery store to buy chocolate chips and makings for chicken pie tomorrow.  I made cookies tonight after we got back partly to warm the kitchen and also just because they make me happy. Again, comfort food.  Anything to bring a mental hug is welcome these days.

Looking forward to hopefully staying in tomorrow.  The kids and I will have art day and that's always a treat.  A quiet home day sounds wonderful.

Passing through

Got a text message just before 6am this morning.  It was the daughter of our older neighbor who's had continual health problems this past year or so.  He'd passed away at around 4am and she was letting everyone know.  And oddly enough, he's been in a rehab. hospital sort of place, and they were looking into hiring a nurse to stay with him at his daughter's house.  He was soon to be released.  Timing is so curious.  'Course he was in his nineties, so there was no telling what would happen, and when.  I'm relieved in so many ways, but sad for our kids who'd grown so attached to him.

Two things struck me.  One that she sent a text (which is such an odd way to share sad news), and two that I had no idea if/how I was going to be able to get back to sleep.  It's not like I could share with everyone, since the house still slept.  After about an hour, I was able rest again, so that was all good.

One of our boys, who's been a personal helper to this neighbor while he was still able to stay alone, suggested we tidy up his house in preparation for our neighbor's son to come into town.  He'll likely stay over there.  So we dusted and vacuumed, disinfected and swept leaves from the back steps.  Just made the house seem welcoming.  And one of our other boys is hurting really bad about it, so I got yard bags and tools out over there so he can clean up a bit tomorrow before he leaves for work.  Physical labor helps when the heart hurts.

When there's a death of someone close, I feel purged.  Sort of scoured clean.  I prefer it to not be a surprise, and this wasn't, but still----isn't it still always a bit of a shock?  I think so.  Folks are supposed to live forever (in our small, human minds), and it's always startling when that's not the case.  We get so used to the people who surround us.