Think I'll go shopping in the morning. Drop off my mom's clothes beforehand---she has therapy in the a.m. anyhow, so maybe can slip in and slip out. Please don't think me cruel for timing my visits that way. It's mental self-preservation. I realize I probably paint my mom as an ogre, and really, I had a good childhood. It just sank into a hard place when I got married. And while my mom isn't evil, she has consistently put me in the category of difficult child. Can't shake that one even though I've been the least rebellious. Seems that's the pattern with a parent who has narcissistic-type tendencies. One child, the one who does the dirty work (often a daughter), is shut out of the close love because of who they are. The children who are less involved (and less known) seem to prance through their growing-up years without damage. My two brothers are the golden children. I'm not. Case closed. And because my mom is of such a different personality now, being very sweet and docile, I'm confused. Her stroke left damage that seems to have cut out the mean parts. Doesn't mean that the scars have left, though. Sadly enough.
I have a wall set up around me that only goes down when I'm safe at home. This is the only place I exist that's not threatening. And I believe that I'm in good company in that.
And I talk about this here because I'm both trying to come to terms with it, and put it in a place in my head. My personal contact with my mom will change and likely increase when she comes home from rehab---most likely Christmas week. Hopefully after Christmas.
Just trying to preserve some bit of sanity.
