Monday afternoon

Having an at-home day.

Windows up, house cleaning in full sway.  Just getting a feel for being at home after our trip last week.  Gets me off my kilter, but all is well.  I've not been out of town in 15 years.  Yep, you heard right.  All the older kids and Gary have been somewhere in that space of time, but that car accident we had that caused my miscarriage sort of messed me up mentally.  I tend to stay close to home.

Still, for my kids, I'll do just about anything, including quitting my long distance traveling fast.

Deep breaths.  Trying to keep my focus, but I feel a bit addled having to keep my mom's needs tucked in my head alongside ours.  Very difficult.  And startling to have certain health issues (more than one and I won't get into them) caused by/irritated by stress.  But getting a handle on it.  Awareness is part of the battle.

Have a good day.  And it is good.

Graduation Day

Lots going on.  First off, Joseph graduated from Basic Training at Ft. Jackson on Thursday, and we attended a sweet ceremony on Family day (the day before) as well.  As soon as we sat on the bleachers for Family Day, I began to cry.  Just the anticipation and relief at actually seeing him.  I looked around and everyone looked either really excited or calm.  I saw a woman and her husband a couple of rows behind and to the side of us and he had his arm around her.  Parents.  And she was biting her lip, obviously trying not to cry.  And all we were doing was sitting there, waiting for the platoons to march out on to the field. Buncha old softies.

You know what the best part of the whole trip was?  As soon as the Family Day festivities were over, we made our way down out of the stands to find him in formation.  Now, we'd been warned online to limit the public displays of affection, being that a brief hug and kiss would do.  That's all.  I heard that all the time. Well, as soon as Joseph saw me he wrapped me in a hug to end all hugs.  Gary got several photos of it.  Lasted forever.  It was bliss.  We were both just sobbing. Finally we broke apart, and nobody fussed at us (no drill sergeant keeping tabs).  'Course not.

The photo of Joseph above is the one he took with his laptop at the apartment we rented on base for the trip. That was an experience in itself.  We could hear from our place the sound of the cannon and trumpets at wake-up, when the flags were raised and lowered and at bed-time.  Amazing.  To stay on base (which they call post) was wonderful, and as Gary said, "Whenever are we every going to have the opportunity to stay on an Army base to sleep?"

Anyway, and on it goes.  He's at Ft. Lee in Virginia for a couple of months, then he'll be home. This spell probably won't be so tortuous.  He does still have his phone, but they can only use them during personal time.  At least we can get ahold of him.  I do like that. :)

Perspective

~pugs and chickens (about the same size!)

The three youngest went to a funeral at church this morning with me.  I sang in the choir and they sat with friends.  Sweet service, and the message our priest gave was about brokenness.  About how when life is messed up, that's the way it's supposed to be.  Life isn't always tidy---or something to that effect.  I found that hugely comforting.

Life has indeed been messy for a long time, especially the past year.  Partly because of hard-heartedness, but sometimes because I guess that's the way the Lord had it planned.  His will isn't always full of 'ducks in a row.'

When we were in the Parish Hall getting the food ready for the luncheon to be held after the burial, I got a call from my first cousin telling me that her dad had died---my mom's brother-in-law, my sweet uncle who's been in the hospital for several weeks.  I went and saw him there about a month ago, he stayed asleep the whole time and I knew then that'd be the last time I saw him alive.  News of his death was, pretty much, the last straw.  I had to bear up because we were busy, but it was like I couldn't take one more thing.  I was full up.

Then tonight at the store, we picked up a few things for the rest of the weekend.  It's a tad confusing to buy my mom's groceries as well, not being on the right wavelength of that yet, but we make it alright.  Anyway, I've been all fretful about stuff and out of the blue Gary says, "You know, life is tough, but it's good."

I loved that he said that.  It's okay to acknowledge that it's hard, doesn't make sense and causes us to suffer, but it's also good to admit that it's a blessing.  I tend to forget that part.

Week's end

It was my turn to spend the night with my mom last night, and whichever child was there left so I could take over.  I can't tell you who was there---isn't that pathetic?  We're so running on empty that I can't even remember.  Huh.  Still can't, and I'm wracking my brain.

No matter.

When I got there, she was in bed, and while we thought she was asleep, she wasn't.  I went into her room to turn on her bathroom light and shut the door a bit.  Figured she'd need the light if she got up to go to the bathroom.  Well, graceful me hit her doorstop with my shoe and it clanked over, and she stirred and said she wasn't asleep.  I sat down on her bed, she said she had all sorts of things spinning in her head, and we talked.  For two hours.  The darkness in the room helped make it intimate and it was nice.  Me and my mom. The way daughters and moms are supposed to be.  When she finally got sleepy, I hugged her and left, and cried.  Long time coming.

It was all good.  Sweet.  Confiding.

And likely never would've happened if she'd not had a stroke.  Go figure.  She said she feels differently about lots of things, including the man she's been sort of dating FOR SEVEN YEARS.  Get that.  She said very simply last night, Shannon (his name) is into Shannon.  'Nuf said.

Now I'm home, fourth son is at mom's and the three youngest and I are going to a funeral tomorrow morning (none of them have ever been to one---we're hoping for a closed casket).  Like the one a few weeks ago. Service/choir for me, others to graveside service and we'll help get the luncheon ready.

My goodness, life is full, isn't it?

Life with Mom

Trying to get my head around my mom's recovery, if you want to call it that.  Recovery would be an optimistic word.  Trying to get my head around her maintenance is more like it.  She had a walker delivered today, and the paperwork I read that the delivery guy left had me marked as a live-in caregiver.  Ouch.  It's not my job description, but it is as it appears, I reckon.

Hard to not make her life MY life.  To put things in perspective is difficult.  To be a juggler extraordinaire.

I read blogs about folks doing neat stuff.  I wonder to myself, "How in the world do they make that happen?"   Not finding life very neat just now.  It's pretty stinky.

Talked to one of my mom's neighbors today, and she asked how she was, etc.  I jokingly asked her to fill me in on what to do if she had any bright ideas.  She said simply that she'd never had to do anything like we're doing.  Just that.  Honesty.  I like that.  No advice that's not asked for, no smart remarks, but just truth.  She seemed sort of baffled.  Join the club.

One of our friends in the neighborhood shakes her head when our son (who she works with) talks about my mom's situation.  As does my dear friend, Tina.  They have a realistic view of expectations, and what is really do-able and what's not.  What puts the caregiver at risk.  They say things I need to hear, but others seem to gloss over.

I really don't mean to sound like a droopy drawers, but this is requiring such a constant digging into myself for strength and endurance.  Just sitting at my mom's kitchen table and talking (glad she can speak well) for long stretches is exhausting.  I'm not social, she is.  Oh pooh.  Please ignore me.  I just needed to talk.

A tuckered out Saturday

Daisy the pug is having a wondrous recovery from her bladder stone surgery.  You'd never know to look at her that she'd had major surgery done under a week ago.  I remember when Violet had the same thing done back in August that she was so poorly, for up to a week.  I'm so proud. :)

And I was able to eat breakfast with the chickens this morning, which tops out as one of my favorite things, but you know that.  It's my Saturday morning ritual, if the weather is agreeable.  Watching the birds and squirrels, just sitting there and relaxing.  It's darn near perfect.

Talked to boot camp boy as well.  Definite highlight of my day.  We were at my mom's cleaning up her house and he called, and all but two of us were over there.  We passed the phone around and got our fill.  Can't wait to see him, and the call was especially sweet when he told me how much he missed his family.  My goodness, could I love him any more?

Must go now.  Tomorrow will be here soon enough, with picking up my mom and taking her to her house.  I'll be there to spend the night, and we'll see what Monday brings.  As I said a few days ago, if you want to follow the blog I'm writing about her/our journey caring for her with her stroke, just leave a comment here and I'll pass on the web address.  Several of you already have, and I appreciate it.

Words about Lent

Thanks for all the comments in regards to my rant in the Ash Wednesday posts---the ones fussing at the folks doing the Ash and Dash, or the get-your-ashes-as-you-drive-by pseudo rituals some churches participated in.

Here's the way I see it:  Too many churches/denominations, so to speak, throw the baby out with the bathwater in regards to sacred traditions.  I was a reformed Presbyterian for years and loved the history of that denomination.  But as an Anglican I can see how some Protestant churches abandoned many rituals that add a glorious amount of beauty to the services.  Some regard the extra candles, the repetitive readings, the processions before and at the end of the services an excess.  I disagree.  And while some would say that the Anglicans often smack of too much Catholic, I say, so what?  Only in presentation.  Anglicans don't pray to saints or depend on the priest to provide absolution (though Confession is an option), but they do embrace a beautiful method of reverencing our Lord.

The Emergent church movement has attempted to bring back the bells and incense---but do they know what they're doing, are they just dressing up the services in an artistic fashion missing out on the history?  I sort of think so.  If you've ever listened to a priest put on his robes, etc. on a Sunday morning while he thinks he's alone (I've eavesdropped, I admit), then you'd know that there's a method and reason behind every little thing.  As he puts on each piece of clothing (and there's lots), he's praying over each bit.  I find that amazing. My husband, not so much.  He finds the details a bit over the top, but thankfully, doesn't stand in my way of worship.

Having said that, we'll go to a Lenten soup supper tonight.  Prayer liturgy before, eats after.  I made white bean soup and resisted putting any meat-flavored seasoning (bouillon, etc.) since some folks abstain from meat.  We're not doing a serious Lenten fast at our house, but try respect those who are.  If I'm doing anything, it's cutting back on sugar, but again, not being too legalistic about it.  But, probably should. :)

Daisy and other stuff

Spent six hours of my life at the DMV with fourth son getting him a photo ID.  He's not quite ready to take the driver's tests, and needs ID to go to third son's Basic Training graduation, hence the six hours. We got there this morning after they'd been open for 10 minutes, and about 40 folks were already in line ahead of us.  And afterward---yes, there was an afterward, we went to McDonald's which, thankfully, had no lines.  Thankful for small mercies.

Anyway.  In more important news, Daisy's surgery went well. Expensive.  The vet's rates have gone up, as I understand the healthcare nonsense has flowed over into veterinarian costs too. Ouch.  Glad she's fixed up, but the surgery, antibiotics, plus the prescription dog food we got was pricey.  But still.  It's for my Daisy and Violet, pugs extraordinaire.  All good.  Praying this food will put an end to the surgeries.  That would definitely be a plus.

'Runaway Saint' by Lisa Samson

Lisa Samson has a gift for telling a story behind the story.  Her books are never light, and always give a refreshing spiritual uplift.  I've thought before that in some way she personally identifies with her heroines---that she puts herself, or the way she thinks into her main characters.  There's a common thread in each of her books that always appeals to me.  And she's done it again with Runaway Saint.

This one is about a young married couple who live a wonderfully artsy life.  They run an old-style printing company and Samson goes into a great deal of detail telling of the antique equipment they use/buy (which was a bit confusing and overwhelming), but was probably necessary to the story.  Their shop is full of unusual people, more than I run into during an ordinary day, and this is a typical Samson trait, always a treat.  Sara, the main character, has a long-lost aunt, Bel, who moves back into town after being a missionary in Kasakhstan and the strange behavior of her aunt is the curious thread that drives the story.

Her aunt has a secret---really many secrets, and little by little they come to light.  What Samson tells isn't always pretty, sometimes painful, but the ending to this story is perfect, and I never saw it coming.  Highly recommended.  Have a pencil on hand to underline---with Samson there's always something I want to remember.

(i received this book free to review from BookLookBloggers)

On a Monday afternoon

• Called the vet to schedule Daisy's bladder stone surgery again.  We go in tomorrow morning. Prayers appreciated.  
• Waiting to hear from social worker about my mom's release.  I'm the go-to person for her to call.
• Taking Spring Break this week.
• Figuring next week will be toast with Mom back at her house.
• Full of negative thinking in regards to her discharge, and having a difficult time getting my head around it.
• But going to enjoy this week---freedom from care, so to speak.
• Tired of apologizing for how I feel about her going home, but with an experimental new situation, hard to think otherwise.
• Sure didn't see all of this coming.
• Deep breaths.
• Need to remember to lean on the Lord and not take this all on myself.  I do have a pretty swell support system in my husband and children.
• It's the unknowns that throw me, you know?
• Oh, and by the way, am in the midst of writing a blog about Mom going home.  Figured it would be good to have it all down in one place.  Other friends have done that, and I've benefited from their sharing.  Will share the link with you, if you like.  Say so in the comments and I'll email you the link. Not wanting to share it here...would like it to remain moderately anonymous.  Some raw emotions shared there, but it is a pretty raw situation.
• Well, anyway...take care.  Enjoy the warmth if you're being blessed with it.  Time to go outside. :) 

More on yesterday's post

Just read a blog post regarding the Ashes to Go trend, as they call it.  They being the folks who, in my opinion, trivialize the orthodox church traditions.  Granted, it's maybe used as an effective tool to spread Ash Wednesday's rituals to the masses, but I still say it smacks of the common way of doing things.

Making church traditions cute and available, not to mention all smiley-faced and 'out there' doesn't make it right.  There's something about toning down things like this that just gets my goat.  Reminds me too much of erasers and pencils with I love Jesus printed on them.  Again I say, common.  And while crossing someone's forehead with last year's palm leaves that have been burned isn't on the same level as Holy Communion or Baptism, it's still important---and special.  Approve of the Ashes to Go mindset and next you know folks will be taking the Baptismal font out on the street corners.  There's something to be said for taking God to the people, but in my opinion, this isn't the way.  There's a process.  Instant gratification with even this is pushing things a bit too far.  Do I overreact?  Maybe to some, but not to me.

And.....for those who would turn around and criticize those of us who have a problem with this----oh go fly a kite.  I do have a right to oppose something that, to me, is disrespectful.  Doesn't mean I'm wearing my britches backwards.  I just believe there are some things that don't need to be tampered with.

Here and there

~just a pretty picture for the day

Wrote one brother last night about Mom coming home--the brother who said she'd be leaving there on the 11th (I'd not heard anything about this from the staff at the nursing home/rehab, so was curious as to the details), and he called me today.  My email last night spurred him on to call the social worker in charge of Mom and she's NOT supposed to come home next week.  Mom's speech therapist releasing her from their work caused her to think she was totally done with therapy and would be discharged.  Let's call it a brain-stimulated snafu on my mom's part, just a misunderstanding, but a pretty big one at that.

Anyway, the social worker went to visit Mom this morning and she wasn't even able to sit up in bed.  Told the soc. worker that she was just fatigued (her words).  Huh.  Add to this my oldest brother sitting in on her physical therapy last week and she was stubborn and rebellious.  Huh again.

Her stroke has encouraged a behavior that's childish in several ways---one in her logic, and her thinking she's more able than she really is, and her little temper fits.  Her perception of truth is a bit skewed as well.  An odd mix of traits, I'm thinking.

Not sure what this means, as her 100 days of total Medicare/Medicaid is about up around St. Patrick's Day. Thankfully God's got this covered, and I don't have to play His role.  I mess it up everytime.

But, on a high note, I replaced the part on the dryer today and it's working. Little old handyman, me.  I told the 2 youngest girls who came in and out of the kitchen while I was standing on my head behind the dryer that I partially do stuff like this to show them that they CAN.  It's very empowering to not have to always depend on my husband.  Funny thing is, though, it's easier to take a big appliance apart than it is to put it back together again.  Never fails!

Y'all take care.

The beginning of Lent

Oldest daughter was telling of an Episcopal church she heard about that was having an Ash and Dash way to be blessed on Ash Wednesday---allowing folks to stay in their cars, roll down the window, hear a prayer, receive the sign of the cross on their foreheads, and be on their merry way.  I'm sorry, but this just smacks of our current trend in having everything done speedily.  You hear this all the time on the Internet, but flying through our tasks, chores, and pleasures isn't always the way to go.  And the service at church surrounding Ash Wednesday is so sweet, not lengthy, but full of beauty.  To lower the day to a quick prayer and a brushing of the forehead with ashes---(okay, you're done) is just plain sad.  And I won't listen to anyone's argument on it being cold and this makes it easy for folks.  Who ever said that church attendance was supposed to be easy?

Somber, respectful, more quiet, prayerful, inward thinking, sacrificial---these are the words reflecting Lent. Not Ash and Dash.  How common, and how irreverent.

News from the front

Just booked the hotel on base for our son's graduation.  I can't begin to tell you of the huge relief this is for me.  Last night, Gary and I were talking about my stress regarding my mom, basic training concerns, and daily life.  My body's been telling me to cool it and I told him I can't always tell when a headache will hit, or other symptoms will rear their heads.  I was okay talking about stuff until Joseph's graduation came up and I just started to cry.  That's where my heart is---not really with what my mom is going through.  And to stay on base, to have him back to the room to eat dinner with us two nights (before he has to report back to his barracks or whatever you want to call it) is incredibly wonderful.

Just wanted to share.  I'm blown away.  And after doing my research online, this is exactly the place I wanted us to stay.  So glad I prayed for God's will and timing for this.  Any closer to the day and the rooms would be booked.  Rejoice!

A full but sweet Sunday

Raining like the flood tonight.  Ice expected, but praying that it won't turn into that, at least not to the magnitude the forecasters like to imagine.  But you know, I can't do anything about it, so might as well just pray for safety over us and ours, and let God be God.

Up early, but not intentionally.  Fed wildlife, had my tea, went to church, taught Sunday School, came home and ate lunch, went with 3 youngest of my offspring to see Mom, had to stop at store on the way home.  We do fill our days.  She was in high spirits---probably partly her anti-depressant being given to her again and the excitement of going home next week.  And she will go to HER home.  I think we'll give it a try, with back-up anyhow.  Have to try.

I going to let it go, remember this is her life and not mine.  My own keeps me busy enough as it is.  I can help her, but can't live it for her.  Can I have that in writing, please?

Must go now.  Tired clear to my bones, but feeling peaceful inside.  Just getting to the place where I have the okay from Gary to support the idea of her not coming here is a relief.  And I was sort of craving a blessing.

Frazzled, but trying

Our dryer quit working yesterday---light on inside of it comes on, door switch works, but I think I've figured out what part needs replacing from researching online.  Not a big deal, especially considering the big deals I'm experiencing as the norm, here lately.

Anyway, had done 3 loads of wash, so took 2 boys to the grocery store, then to dry them (the clothes, not the boys, but reading that makes you wonder) at my mom's. It was late afternoon when the dryer gave up the ghost, otherwise I'd not have gone ahead and washed so much. Anyway.  While I was there at my mom's I threw out some of her old magazines and papers, old mail, that sort of thing.  And after I got finished going through her stuff, had sort of a panic attack.  And the last few days, have woken up with a mild headache, though I don't go to sleep with one.

I'm major stressed.

Moving on.

Went with Gary to the church this afternoon---he had to work on the cabinets he made awhile back, and I went ahead and did the flowers for the altar and re-organized the Sunday School room for the children.  Just puttering, but even that seems to be too much for me.  I went back downstairs to make a cup of tea and he asked how I was.  Honestly said I was a bit overdone and he looked right at me and asked if there was something he needed to know about.

Isn't that odd?  Typical for him, and I don't say that harshly.  He figures if nothing is being said, all is well, and he's got my mother's situation all figured out in his head, not realizing (I guess) that my head is in a tail-spin.   Right now the slightest change from my ordinary day is too much to handle.

I read something yesterday, and I can't place where I read it---but it was about how comforting daily sounds can be, especially when sometimes we're hit with unnecessary noise.  That makes such perfect sense.

Right now I'm making beef stew for dinner.  Will read something soothing tonight, and let the Lord handle all the details.  I. just. can't.  And since I know it's not God's will for me to keel over with a stroke myself, I must tend to my own needs.  That calm, cool place inside of me is hard to anchor myself to at times, but now, is so needed.  So desperately needed.  You take care.