Mothering Days

Okay, so it's easy to get caught up in the excitement of a child's adventure, but when you get outside with chickens in your lap, all alone with nobody around, the tears begin to come.  Not much, but a bit.  Maybe a tiny let down after Jury Duty, which launched directly into Jacob's move.

It's alright, though.  Just another thing to adjust to.  I find my life to be a bit of a trial, but it's mine and I'll manage.

Jacob's making good traveling time.  Last we heard, they were finally in Texas after driving across Arkansas and Oklahoma.  I think Amarillo is the goal for tonight, unless he channels his dad and goes as far as his mind will take him, regardless of the hours spent in the car.  Madness.

  * * *

As soon as I wrote the previous paragraph, Jacob texted that they'd reached New Mexico.  Said they'd stop in a bit.  Yeah, I know you want a travelogue. :)

Having to change our evening routine. We're used to this son stopping by the house on his way to his apartment after work.  He's cooked/grilled at a local restaurant for five years, three of them with him not at home, but at an apartment.  He'd eat dinner here, usually at about 11:30pm.  We've stayed up late for years, waiting for him and in previous months for him and his now-married-brother who also worked at the restaurant.  Late nights.  Can honestly say I won't miss that, but will miss his sweet face.  He'd come by because he's a people person, and has said that we ground him.  I cherish that comment.  With misbehaving boys, to hear from one who wants to behave, those words are a gift.

Back and forth.  The emotions will drive a mom nuts.  But it's all good.  Even Gary has a gobsmacked look on his face.  Said tonight something about how we've sent one more on his way.  Yes, but this one is paying attention.

'Reservations for Two' by Hillary Manton Lodge

Hillary Manton Lodge's newest book called Reservations for Two is the follow up of A Table by the Window in her Blue Door series.  She quickly picks up with Juliette's story of opening a restaurant with her brother, her mother's illness, but mostly about her on-going, long-distance romance with Neil (who lives in Memphis, which was most interesting to me, since I live here).  She continues her search for her deceased biological grandfather after finding (in the previous book) information which leads her to France and Italy for proof of his identity.

The book is light-hearted, and filled with wonderful recipes.  Easy-to-read, restful and enjoyable.  Can't argue with that.  I especially enjoyed the surprise ending.  Don't cheat and peek.  It's worth the wait.

(i received this book free to review from waterbrook/multnomah)

'Savor' by Shauna Niequist

Shauna Niequist's book of devotions called Savor is a very sweet collection.  Not too light, deep at times in spiritual truths, and full of personal stories that tell of her own struggles.  It's the perfect devotional for a mom who's strapped for time, or for anyone who wants a less-restrictive bit of reading in the morning.

I've not read her other books, but women who've read Bread and Wine, or Cold Tangerines have praised her writing.  This is apparently more of the same---easy-to-read and refreshing.

Generally speaking, I'm not a big fan of devotional type books, feeling that they're often dry and boring.  Shauna proves that this isn't always the case.  I do like Savor very, very much.

My only regret is that I now own the e-book.  Hard to wander through a devotional on the Kindle when I'd rather dog-ear it in person.

(i received this e-book free to review from booklookbloggers)

'God's Beloved Daughters' by Merrilyn Grodecki

The devotional called God's Beloved Daughters by Merrilyn Grodecki is unusual in that she tells a personal story in her Introduction about an event that happened when she was only 3 years old.  It was a frightening event that affected several decades of her life until the Lord came into her heart at a later date.  She was indwelt by a demon.  I found this astounding, mostly because of her young age, but she tells of hearing about God's salvation power in her thirties, and as the Lord came to her, the evil spirit left.  Not quite sure what I make of that, not that I doubt the capabilities of the evil one.  But at three years old?  But who am I to say?  Unfortunately, that information colored my impression of the rest of the book.  Also, her website includes a recommended book list with such authors as Charles Capps, Gloria Copeland, and Kenneth Hagin---who I believe to be 'name it and claim' it adherents.  

If you can get around that:

Her devotional appears to be very sound.  Her knowledge is thorough, and she willingly shares her life stories and faith.  For devotional-lovers, her book is a good choice.  It's not trite, and is full of wisdom.  I just felt tripped up a bit with the childhood story and the reading list.

(i received this e-book free to review from booklookbloggers)

Wednesday evening

House bulging with things from moving-to-California son's apartment.  Odd to look at a laundry basket full of his flour, sugar, pot holders, coffee, rice (so much rice we have now---I have no idea why), and other things. Oh, and a small container of bread starter---homemade.  Love that.  An extra small air conditioner, lamps, coffee maker, dishes, books, a futon, and personal stuff.  Chin up, Buttercup.  Hard to not think of missing him, but part of me is so excited at what he's leaving to do.  He's incredibly excited, and I know he's longing to be on the road and on his way. 

He'll leave at about 7:30am tomorrow morning, then will pick up his traveling buddy.  His return date is possibly in late October or early November.  Maybe.  What he's really thinking of is being offered the job of replacing the main chef who's stepping down next year.  Oh my.  In my heart, I hope he doesn't settle in California, but he's the Lord's, not mine.  Must remember that.

In other news, put seven books up for sale online, sold two within an hour and another this morning.  I'd sold books before, but it'd been awhile.  Nice to have some extra change, with little effort.

Tomorrow I'm going to work in the front yard, digging in the small area youngest son got ready for me.  I have some seeds, and need to keep busy.  I'll likely get lots accomplished until second son arrives at his destination on Saturday or Sunday.

Mothering will keep a person on her toes like nothing else.  My children seem to be all over the map in terms of their behavior, and I'm thankful for every last one of them.  The children who lean on the Lord, however, are a special joy.  The burden of praying for them makes my heart light since I know their desire is for His will.  In that my yoke is easy.

Prayers for safe travel for Jacob and his friend, Steve, appreciated. :)

Tuesday afternoon

Confession:  I have too many books.  

About ten years ago, or more, I was involved in an online Classical homeschooling set of women, and we all counted our books.  Our count was over a thousand, and since then, I'm afraid the number has increased more than is sane.  I do need an intervention.

The question is whether it's worth my time and the aggravation to put some on Amazon to sell.  The details of listing things, plus having supplies to mail them off sort of puts me off.  The money would be nice, but since several of these have been free to me (review copies) I really don't need to recoup any cash.  

Our main bookcase in the living room (see side photo) is two-deep with books.  Can't even see half of what we have just right there.  Fortunately my husband is understanding, or maybe he thinks it's useless to control me.  Least I don't drink.

With our new next-door neighbors renovating, and also with second son bringing over his stuff to go into our attic before he leaves tomorrow----well, I'm into the clean-out mentality.  I'm trying to do a bit in each public room of the house (also our bedroom) to fix up.  I've been in a depressed mode for about two years and finally I'm snapping out of it.  Blame Jury Duty.  That was a big snap.  Brain re-do.  Really.

Speaking of our new neighbors----she's South of the Border in some sense.  Not sure if she's Mexican or South American.  Her accent isn't too awfully thick, and her English is very good.  The Lord spoke to me as she was first working on the house, telling me she'd be a really special friend.  Love that.  I just met her yesterday and we clicked.  You know how that is.  Instant.  Met her husband too, who seems a bit of the masculine-take charge type.  Works for me.  

Tomorrow night we'll have a dinner for soon-to-be-moving son.  Gosh, I'll miss him.  He's trying so hard to listen to what the Lord would have him do.  And the girl he's going to see in California.  He told her the other day he wasn't taking the job (which she initially told him about) solely to be near her, and that seemed to take off some pressure.  Otherwise, she'd feel responsible in a way.  In my mother's mind, I hope he doesn't settle in CA.  She's from Maryland, which is still too far from us, but her family is there.  What can I say to that?  See, I have them married already.  Don't have a clue as to how this will play.  God has it.

Today is good.  Blessedly good.

Monday morning

I'm tired.

Extended adrenaline high last week, in addition to a busy weekend.  Son who's moving to California (at least for six months, if not longer) was treated to a dinner at his inner-city pastor's house yesterday, and we were invited.  More time out of my comfort zone.  Different lifestyles are challenging to me, but that's not a bad thing.  Just tiring.  

Today I'm giving the kids a day off from school.  And with me being gone so long last week, I figured a day of recovery would be a good thing.  I'm dizzy, though, but that will pass.  You know how it is when you mentally hold your breath for an extended period of time.  When you exhale, your physical self often goes a bit wacky.  Least mine does.  I'll try to pace myself.

I feel like a dog that shakes itself after coming in from the rain.  Stuff in my head I need to process. Not easy to deal with sending someone back to prison, though the young man we voted the verdicts on deserves it.  He'd only been out of lock-up for five months before he was at it again, at least so far as the law sees it.  I see a pattern.

Will likely be on pins and needles for a bit.  But that will pass as well.

I've become Facebook friends with several of the women who I served with last week.  Look over their posts, and remember conversations we had, and you're talking about Christian women.  And even thinking on the others I served with---the Lord was present.  Wondered if the prosecutor or his assistant had prayed about this trial, asking for His people to serve.  Makes you wonder.  One woman (a spicy talker), who I really enjoyed, took all of our names/emails down so we could have a reunion.  Isn't that something?  Strangers. But we really did become close in those four days.  

Now will focus on home.  Husband needs work in the shop, Mom needs groceries, son leaves on his journey on Thursday (and a friend will drive with him, for that I'm grateful), house needs lovin', and I have to get back into my routines.  But slowly at first.  Nothing pressing, and if I don't hand it all to the Lord, I'll get frazzled.  No need.  

Oh, get this.  Two of the women on the jury have pugs.  Two a piece.  I call that almost providential. 

Y'all take care.

After Jury Duty

So, Dotsie was absolutely right.  Being on Jury Duty was exactly the change I needed.  Refocused everything, just getting away from home and being in a totally foreign atmosphere.

Turns out I was selected for a sequestered jury, and had to pack Monday night and be back at court early on Tuesday.  It was an attempted murder case, gang members involved, drug dealers, and was a real eye-opener.  Real life.  Not like t.v. and we were warned of that by the attorneys.  It's much more raw.  Folks are so messed up.

I'd prayed back when I was called in with the huge group of folks back in January to select days to serve.  It was clear that the week of April 20th was the right time.  And it was.  And even when we went into the jury room to deliberate, we prayed.  Joined hands.  Amazing.  God was there in the spirits of so many of the jurors.  Maybe all.  And I've made some forever friends.  Lock up 14 people (two alternates leave at the end) for hours on end, and you make connections.

And we were taken to a hotel across town to avoid any gang issues.  Imagine.  And five sheriff's deputies stayed with us the entire time.  Walked us to the public bathrooms when we went to dinner, and even stayed up all night in the hallway at the hotel, spelling one another in 2 hour intervals.  Way out of my comfort zone.  Never felt safer.

* * *

When the prosecutors and defense attorney gave their final arguments they were right in front of us and it was all I could do to not cry.  It was all so real.  And the family members of the young man on trial were in the crowd, along with 'what-appeared-to-be' young men who could have been trouble.  When we were able to leave the building after the verdict was given and get our rides, we were allowed to stay inside until the last minute, and were told the family members, etc. had already left.  Still, made me nervous.  Looking over your shoulder.  

The amusing (but not at the time) part of the whole situation came on Wednesday.  One man in his sixties was on the jury.  He was bi-polar, obviously medicated, but didn't have a filter on his mouth.  He professed to be a believer, would pull out a pocket New Testament and read to himself every so often, but even more often he'd launch into stories and jokes that weren't always appropriate.  He had a definite problem.  On Wednesday afternoon, after we'd been taken for a brief walk and were back inside, I'd had enough and as we listened to him tell a personal story involving very inappropriate dialogue, I turned to him at the table, and said, "Hey, will you be quiet?"  He didn't and I said, "Hey, you need to SHUT UP."  Silence.  The rest of the time we had to spend together, he'd give me these glances, and when he thought I wasn't listening, he'd talk about 'that woman.'  The man had issues.  Thankfully he was chosen as an alternate and had to leave before we deliberated.  God's hand again.

Some might think my outburst was over the top.  None of the other jurors did, though. :)  The thing is, I'm tired of folks, especially Christians, taking the silent road---not getting involved.  Each woman on that jury had been embarrassed by this man's speech.  None of the men addressed the problem.  What to do?  Continue to allow the disrespect, or deal with it.  I'm tired of accepting unacceptable behavior.  In my family and in the world.  It was time to say so.

Wouldn't change a thing.  

Outta pocket

Showed up for Jury Duty.  Was selected for a sequestered case,  so will be gone a few days.  Can't communicate with my family,  which will be odd.  Youngest son says to look at it as a vacation,  depending, of course, on whether whoever I room with is a chatterbox or not. :)  They say you stay at a nice hotel downtown, and are fed very well.  I'm in.

Actually,  a total change of pace will be very nice.  Very nice indeed.

Friday night

Gary got a call from his dad tonight while some of the kids were with me shopping for the least one's birthday (which is Sunday).  My mother-in-law is in the hospital after complaining of a sore neck for a couple of days.  Went out of it at home, red-faced, eyes not focusing, incoherent, and her b/p went to zero then flew up to an upper number of 200.  We're in a wait-and-see mode.  They're up in Maryland, so have to wait to hear.  My father-in-law could use prayer too.  His health is good, but it's lots to deal with.  I'm thinking it sounds like meningitis, but that's just a guess on my part.  Flying by the seat of my pants, most days.

Husband participating in a crafts fair tomorrow near our church.  Praying for much success.  The homeowners offer their front yards for artists and crafts people to set up their wares.  He has a couple of game tables, bowls, spoons, mirrors, framed photographs and benches.  Lots of stuff.  And oldest daughter has earrings to sell as well, which are beautiful.  

Life is overfull.  Have to turn off my head.

Sat out with the chickens twice today.  After half an hour of holding a chicken, my b/p arrives at a sweet spot, I'm thinking.  Milk and Nora nestled in my lap, Nora snuggling under my chin.  Imagine.  A chicken.  Isn't that awesome?  And they're so soft.  I caught Madelyn later on and held her.  She tends to be wicked, following Nora around and trying to peck her feet.  A streak of meanness in her, that's for sure.  

Anyway, that's my weekend.  It's enough.

Thoughts on slowing down

In looking at books to review, I'm seeing a trend that bothers me. Seems that the generation that covers my oldest children---late twenties and into the thirties (my oldest is 29), is so success-oriented, maybe to a fault.  Perhaps even more so than their parents.  And in Christians it appears to be almost an obsession, just like in the secular world.  Do this, this and this and your life will be complete.  The thing is, they're not allowing for the human touch.  I'm seeing a tendency to handle things in a technical way, much in the manner of managing a Smartphone.  Push the right buttons and voila, you're good.

Life isn't that easily managed.

And God isn't that predictable.  Quite the contrary.

I have a brother-in-law who used to say that if you tithe every week, then your money troubles will be a thing of the past.  I'm here to tell you that's not the case.  As I've said before---God is NOT a slot machine.  You don't do this, this and this and expect what you want to happen. Sometimes it doesn't. And doing it over and changing the routine won't fix it.  Only the Lord can do that.  Act as if you have all the answers and He'll be sure to mix you up.  Speaking from experience here.  Cockiness has no place in the Christian experience.

I think God enjoys seeing a humble spirit.  But even then, apply yourself to being humble and that in itself shows arrogance.  Look at me....oh, no-no.  Don't look at me.  See what I mean?  By not focusing in a deliberate manner, you look at yourself much too much.

It's frustrating to see all the energy being spent in advancement.  Nobody has time for quiet. They're so busy getting ahead.  Goals.  So many goals.  Burnout looms on the horizon.  We've become such suckers for a fast fix, whether it's getting impatient waiting for packages to come in the mail, or being put on hold.  Oh wait.  There's a remedy for that.  I can talk to a couple of folks at once, and text in the same instant.  Nobody waits.  But think again.  Nobody gets anyone's full attention anymore.

Go to a public setting where folks sit.  Restaurants are choice for this experiment.  Watch how many are on their phones and not talking.  You know what I mean.  We can't wait for anything.  Everything is more important than the life in front of us.  So sad.

Just listen.  Wait.  Stop trying so hard.  Quit trying to know everything.  Allow for a little mystery. Please.

'The Real Doctor Will See You Shortly' by Matt McCarthy

I read Matt McCarthy's new book The Real Doctor Will See You Shortly from cover to cover, all in one day.  Full of things the lowly patient might not realize, much of it a surprise, mainly how the students are often in the dark about what to do even after years of schooling.  I appreciated his honesty and humor in sharing what a first year intern really experiences.  Sleep deprivation, a bad diet and lots and lots of trying situations.

He kept saying that when you got the chance to eat, eat.  And when you could sleep, sleep.  He went further with it, but that was the gist.

I'm not feeling much envy for the life of a new doctor, but he laid it out in such an engaging way.  And he's a gifted writer.  Not bad for a physician.

My only complaint was the profanity.  I realize I might sound like I'm coming from the Dark Ages to fuss, but is it necessary?  Even with the stresses of the medical life, does that allow for lacing the book with common swearing?  I'd say no.  But still, I enjoyed the book.  Can't let it sit on the coffee table, though---kids, you know.

(i received this book free to review from bloggingforbooks)

Wm. Faulkner's Rowan Oak

Oxford, Mississippi.  Toured Faulkner's home.  Got to spend the day with my sweet oldest daughter. Took a couple of snaps with my phone of his bedroom, but wish I had done the same with the room he wrote in---just a bit more intriguing.  There's his writing on the wall in there.  Heard the tour host say that 95% of the furniture in the house is original to what Faulkner used.  I like that.  Reading his book The Hamlet now.  Once you get in the swing of it, he's pretty smooth reading.  

There was an older man touring the house as we were.  He was telling a personal story related to Faulkner.  Not sure if he knew him or his family, but it was like he did.  His voice took on a warm sound as he looked at the books and personal items.  Kind of sweet.  'Course the man couldn't have been a contemporary of Faulker's since he'd be in his hundreds if he was still living, being that he was born in 1897, like my own grandparents.  Still, I always enjoy hearing folks tell stories.

A nice weekend, and weather to boot.

Friday morning

Since oldest daughter and I are going to Oxford tomorrow, I picked up some Faulkner at the library yesterday. Began reading a book of his short stories, and oh my goodness.  He's got a trilogy about the Snopes family, and the first piece in the book is a short story from that series.  Reminded me of Flannery O'Connor, who I tend to not read, being that she, pretty much, spells it all out for you. Wicked characters, awful intentions, the whole gamut of folks-you-don't-want-to-know in every story she writes.  This story brought her to mind.

Faulkner has a gift for shoving you into his stories.  After a few sentences, You Are There.  I was mesmerized.  Read three of them, put the book down and felt sated.  Couldn't take anymore. Sort of in a state of shock.  I read a lot.  A lot.  And told Gary after that there are some authors who have such a strong gift for words, and Faulkner is definitely one of those people.  And Southern writers---I don't know.  They're in a category all their own.  The extremes are more extreme, and the personalities are more peculiar.  We blame it on the humidity.

And speaking of authors who aren't Southern---I got some Virginia Woolf as well.  For some odd reason, they remind me of one another. You have to apply yourself to read each of them, least I do. So much literature that's cranked out today is lame.  Canned plots and not much to tantalize or shock the reader.  I don't want horror or heartache, but a story that grips me, that fills me up.  So many times I can see the ending before it arrives.  With Faulkner, that doesn't seem to happen.  He comes up from behind you.

In other books, reading The Screwtape Letters aloud to the three youngest during the week.  Just got to the part where Screwtape tells Wormwood about how Christians are more usable to God when He puts them through tough times and they remain faithful.  He talks about how those believers are the hardest to sway.  A book that has some difficult sentences to decipher, but the truth really does shine through.  Lewis was something.

Anyway, a fresh day spreads out ahead of me.  Just me and the girls at home.  Had a storm overnight, and the garden is all damp and cool. Might weed a bit, but don't feel much pressure about it.  Might putter around the house.  White beans for dinner.  Will throw in some bacon and onion.  Made flour tortillas for dinner last night, and that might happen too.  Mine ended up like naan, which was my intention, anyhow.

Three cups of flour, one teaspoon each of salt and baking powder, 1/3 cup of oil (I used butter-flavored Crisco---didn't even melt it beforehand), one cup water.  Blend together in mixer.  Let sit for about 15 minutes (didn't happen).  Form into pancake shapes, put on hot, greased griddle and cook for about a minute on each side.  So easy. Wonderful texture.

Will go get dressed now.  Praying for our kids, and protection for all. For the Lord to put people in their paths who speak truth and live for Christ. For the Lord to show favor on Gary's shop.  He's got repair work coming in, and while I don't want to complain, more would be nice. Hard to keep your head above water when it stays just below your nose. Life is too full of prayer needs, but maybe that's as it should be.  I get to praying and it just goes on and on.

Enjoy the day.

'Ghost Boy' by Martin Pistorius

I read Martin Pistorius' book Ghost Boy in one day.  And it's not that the book is an easy read, though it is, but I wanted to get to the good parts.  The happy ending.  With so many years of being trapped in his body (his own words) I needed to see that he survived the trials, and he does.

At twelve years old, Martin was hit by an illness that slowly took his life away from him.  A sore throat first turned into an inability to move or speak. Years later, he began to return to life. That's it in a nutshell, but the book is so much more than that.  Martin tells of abuse he suffered in care homes, and being unable to communicate this abuse, he suffered silently.  That part of the book was hardest to read---his vulnerability in the hands of supposed caregivers who molested him, not caring that he was aware of every action.

He talks about his faith, and how he felt God touch him, in the midst of his illness.  He held onto that.  And while parts of his life were unbearable, there were individuals who looked past his outside and began to pull him back to life.  Virna, an aromatherapist, who worked his limbs and really looked at him as an individual, was the first person outside his family who really attempted to see past his disabilities.  Her care was the springboard for everything that commenced afterward.  She was his miracle.

Years later, he's working, has married, yet still lives with physical limitations.  His spirit, however, soars.

(i received this book free to review from booklookbloggers)

Second son's adventures

Truth.  I'll miss second son crazy-like when he leaves for California.  The job start date has been extended both ways, so he'll now leave about April 30th, and stay out there til mid-October.  He'll be driving alone, unless a genie pops up, so prayers for his long journey from East of the Mississippi to there would be appreciated. 

And even though I'm hugely proud of him,  and excited as well, my goodness, kids stir up some parental stress.

A nice, warm Tuesday afternoon

~rowan oak

Oldest daughter asked me this morning if I wanted to drive down to Oxford on Saturday.  Sounds like a peaceful way to spend the day.  Plus, the weather should be in our favor.  And it only takes under an hour and a half to get there.  Easy to do.  So enjoyed Wm. Faulkner's beautiful property when we went before.  Deep breaths.  This time, I want to go inside.  At a very affordable 5 bucks, should be do-able.  Might have to read one of his books before we go.  A refresher course.

Just to be somewhere different will be nice.  And the next two weeks are full.  On the 18th Gary is participating in an Art Walk in our church's neighborhood.  He's been building things, polishing and getting things ready.  Made a sign, thinking about how to decorate and we'll pray for much success.  There will be other woodworkers, jewelry makers, painters, sculptures...and who knows what else.  The next day is the least one's 13th birthday, and the last weekend will be full with oldest daughter going to a Jewish wedding (which will be a first experience of that sort).  Being that this is all true, this is the only weekend we'll be able to go for awhile.  And second son will be leaving the first of May sometime.  

~some of my woodboy's spoons for sale

Gosh.  Stop the train, will you?

Know what?  I'm learning to enjoy life even when part of it stinks.  (Has that been a hard, life-long lesson, or what?)  And some of my kids do stink.  My husband?  One darn scrumptious man.  And others of my children bless me and are also trying to keep their heads out of water.  I love them all, but as I once said about one child when he was a toddler---I didn't always like him, but always loved him.  

Just trying to tend to what's in front of me.  No headache today.  Doing the necessary, which will include fetching Mom's groceries later.  We'll deliver them later in the week.  Too taxing to do it all in one day---found that out the hard way.  Emotional exhaustion.  My mental health thanks me when I don't press.  I'll surely fail tomorrow, but today is good.  Right this very minute.

Second son brought over two partially-used gallons of paint from his apartment.  Might paint one wall in the living room.  Something exciting, or just different.  His colors are oceany, watery colors.  Soothing.  But sort of punchy.  We'll see.

Enjoy the day.

Monday night

I've had prayers before where I ask God why He's allowing such suffering on our parts.  Why not have the hard bits when our health is peachy, when we have extra cash and don't feel so depleted.  So, He says to me, "It's easy to be faithful when life is tidy.  The challenge is to stand firm when everything's stacked up against you.  That's faith.  To see trouble in your life, but to trust in what you can't see."

I'm a slow learner.  

In our faith walk, it seems we go through the same steps every time.  Bewildered acceptance, confusion, anger, surrender, then the real faith steps in.  This is our experience.  Again and again.  After awhile I'm not mad, but sort of like throw up my hands and say, "Whatever!"  His will.  Not having much of a success rate with my will.  My track record is pretty lousy there. :)

Manna everyday, but bill money only trickles in.  And I say, "Lord, You know when this is due.  You know when it's overdue."  He smiles (in my head) and says to just trust Him.  The smile gets me every time. I get bogged down on the calender, and He tells me that there's a bigger lesson being learned.  He's not a monster, but does have a point.  Maybe the point is that He's not mean, but teaching me to not be fearful.

~ ~ ~

Migraine this morning.  One of those that makes you want to hold onto the top of your head so it won't fall off.  BC Powders are magical.  Took a second one about 1/2 an hour ago.  Blowing off some stress, I'm sure.  Migraines are sort of like volcanoes or earthquakes to me.  From time to time, I just need one to come along.  The smoke in my brain has to go somewheres.

Love my husband.  When the shop is slow, it's hard for him to bear up.  We're both resolved at this time that it'll be fine.  We've been reassured by a fleece (God instructed) that we're in the right place.  Fidgety, but good.

'Our One Great Act of Fidelity' by Ronald Rolheiser

Because I have a weakness for Catholic literature (though I'm Anglican), I reserved Ronald Rolheiser's book Our One Great Act of Fidelity to review.  Curiosity about the Catholic position on transubstantiation was my main objective.  He covers that.  For him/them it's about a physical presence, something that humans tend to need, and that makes sense to me, even though I've never been aligned with a church which literally believes in this.  I will say, though, that our church is very sensitive in how the elements are prepared and handled.  Never in a trivial manner and never thrown away after blessed.  There is something Holy about it.

And honestly, to read the Scriptures you can go either way---either the elements do change into Christ's blood and flesh, or they don't.  A laboratory can't prove it, but lots of aspects of God's presence can't be proven.  Can't prove the Holy Spirit lives in my soul either.

I decided after reading the book that whether a person believes in Christ's literal blood and flesh being present in Holy Communion is a personal position.  If the act of receiving the Eucharist is more dear for that belief, then absolutely believe.

Rolheiser's book is a gentle writing about the Lord's Table.  The importance of a regular partaking, the forgiveness and the strength it gives us to bear/live another day.  

(i received this book free to review from blogging for books)

Note:  I have to add a funny bit.  My husband saw me reading this the other night, and asked me about it.  I told him it was Roman Catholic.  He paused, took a breath and said he strictly forbid me becoming a Catholic.  Made me laugh.  Said I had no intention of doing that, not being partial to the Pope, etc., and told him I was completely satisfied where I am as an Anglican.  Still, cracked me up.  I actually think he was serious.

Easter night

Well, the kids keep me on my toes.  Second son is accepting the job in Northern California that starts in early May.  He's given notice at his apartment and his job.  He's so excited he can hardly stand himself.  God is allowing things to fall into place before him in a truly amazing way.  I think that makes the Lord smile.  I know this son does.  He SO wants to stay in His face.  And the girl he's been writing lives within an hour from where he'll be (mentioned before).  She's working at a Christian ranch (organic stuff and all), and he'll be cooking, which is his first love, and some outside work too at a Christian retreat.  Turns out, she's the one who recommended him for this job.  I'm thinking this might work out romantically as well. :)  His job is possibly seasonal.  May through August with the possibility of permanent.  He might not come back.  That'd be odd.

He'll drive, and was hoping oldest daughter would go with him, but she's not keen on the part where she'll fly home alone (two layovers were the easiest I could find).  She's not in an adventurous mindset now.  We'll have to pray for how this works out.  I'm not going to fix it, but this has been so smooth so far, no reason for that not to continue.  He'll shoot straight west on I-40, hit Sacramento, then zoom north.  Or something like that.  Don't quote me on that.

God has this.

Just wanted to say that some of our children really want God's will.  Not to slam the others, but it's so refreshing when I see their faithful spirits.  So huge a blessing to me.

~ ~ ~

As to Easter, Mom went to church with us.  She said she enjoyed it, but it exhausted her, so she didn't want to get out again for dinner here.  Just getting in and out of the truck was a surprise as to how hard it was.  She looked sort of shocked.

Anyway, three sons didn't come, but those who were here were second son (above), and the ones who live here.  We had such a good time.  No stress and just a restful day.  I actually felt so much better without the drama the others bring, love them though I do.

Feeling stronger, especially after my epiphany of sorts on Maundy Thursday while praying.  Leaving those burdens at His feet.....amazing.

Good Friday thoughts

Maundy Thursday services last night, and awesome is the only word.  Every time I see the altar stripped of everything one item at a time, I feel a shiver.  No candles, hymnbooks, Bibles, incense, altar cloths, chalices, remainder of Communion vessels, nothing left.  All physical aspects of God's presence are taken away.  His Spirit gone.  Really makes you think.  A void nothing else can fill, though we'll try our best.

After we left services, I had about 45 minutes at home before I had to go back for my hour of the Prayer Vigil.  One of my very favorite bits of the entire year, bar everything I do.  Candles are lit at the back of the church, a kneeler set up and votives representing everyone who'll pray.  One per hour. Each person who comes lights a candle.  A total of about 22 or so folks.   Our own Garden of Gethsemane.  Prayer books, a Bible, a copy of Augustine's Prayer Book (which I privately covet) and as much silence as you can drink in.  The streetlights shine through the stained glass and it really is a holy time.  Imagine the angels hanging about.  I did.  Love that.

I left all of my baggage there.  My frustrations with my life which include, of course, my children---my husband's work slow-down, my mom's care, my health issues lately, but mostly my intense rage.  Very intense rage.  I hadn't realize how much bottled up anger I'd been dealing with, or not dealing with is more apt.  Left it all.

Today has been blessed.  Cleaned the house in preparation for our Easter dinner.  And, here's a bit of news.  My mom is going with us to services at our church on Sunday (she's Methodist, but hasn't been to church in months), and she's coming over for dinner as well.  One thing I could understand her doing, but both?  I'm sort of excited about it.  I know, not what you expected me to say.  I'm feeling strongly she's maybe had some more weird brain activity.  She's a bit more child-like, but who's to know.  While we've had our moments, now is what's important.  And holidays are special.  We should be together.  Oldest son might come too.  Will have to hear back from him to know for sure.

But even before that, I'll meet up with the Altar Guild tomorrow around noon and we'll put the altar back to rights.  Fresh linens and all.  Easter lilies.  And tomorrow night we'll have our Easter Vigil and a special banquet afterward.  And that's only Saturday.  I'll have to hand it to them.  Our church sure does a Feast Day in a wonderful fashion.

Oh, and I find it curious to have a Lunar Eclipse on Easter weekend.  Not earth-shattering, but just curious.  I'm hoping to get up at around 5:15am to see at least a partial bit of it.  Don't think we'll get the full effect.  Still, I do love being outside just before sunrise.  So peaceful.  Then back to bed. :)

Happy Easter ahead-of-time.  

'The Grand Paradox' by Ken Wytsma

Ken Wytsma's book The Grand Paradox covers thoughts and truths about God's personality---His fairness (which we don't always understand), and His great love for us.  The paradox comes when His waiting and/or our impatience get in the way of seeing what He's attempting to bring forth.

Like when we're waiting for my husband's shop to acquire more work, and the bills are late.  Or someone is sick and you just can't see the benefit in it lingering, or ending in death.  Those questions we all run into and struggle over.  They don't make sense.

The best quote in the book, in my opinion, and one that sums it all up, is this:  "The problem is we are always trying to walk by sight but call it faith."

Recently I was in a Bible study class on the book of Jeremiah.  The thing that stood out to me was while God was delivering a hard truth to the Israelites, He was loving them at the same time.  Well, I saw that Jeremiah appeared to be almost sorry at the burden he was placing on the Israelites.  They disobeyed and he was hard-pressed to tell them what would happen as a result of their disobedience.  I felt that in a way it shadowed the reluctance of God to blast His people.  

That's what Ken's book meant to me.  God is with us.  Period.  And maybe He doesn't always enjoy putting us through the necessary to achieve His ultimate will.  We have to get over having to understand everything and really go by faith, not by sight, because it really is humanly impossible to see that far ahead.

And besides Ken's passion for justice issues and talking about the Neolithic period (which I question, being a strict Creationist) in the beginning of the book, I found the book spot on.

(i received this book free to review from booklookbloggers)