The Lord's batting 1000 here lately. Not meaning to sound disrespectful at all, but amazed at God's involvement in my life at this very minute. Prayed last night that my mom would contact me this week. Yeah, I was chicken to make a move. I blame the chickens. So guess who called this morning? Yep, my mom. I call that amazing. Especially since it's been since March that she's called our house.
We had an interesting talk. I could sense tension and a bit of anger on her part (especially when I brought up one of my older brothers' names...hardcore non-believer that he is, she always defends him), and thankfully after it was over, oldest daughter said I sounded nice, not feisty or anything. Grateful for that. Didn't want my tone to be uppity. I can definitely do uppity.
What I got from the conversation is that my relationship with my mom is broken. She's chosen sides, but why there should be sides is a mystery to me. Reckon there needs to be a bad guy. Somebody to blame when things don't pan out. Not quite clear on the why's and how's of the picking order, but finally am able to accept that things might never get better. I feel a peace about all of it. Don't like it, but feel the Lord gave me in several ways (which I'm not mentioning) that my mom has had a problem with Gary and me for a very long time. Something tripped her trigger and brought it all to a head (is that one of those mixed metaphors?), and again, I'm not sure why. I'm finally fine with it. It's clear. I realize it might get sticky from time to time (you know how it is when you pick up stuff again), but for now, I'm good. Closure is a blessing, I think, no matter the situation. We have to get to a point where we let go and allow things to just be left alone.
Now hopefully I can wake up in the mornings and not dwell on this relationship. It's sad, but I really think the Lord revealed to me today that things might not get better, and oddly to me, that's got to be okay. Strange, but okay. A relief, let me tell you. I've wanted to fix it, and it might just stay broken.
Repair isn't always possible.
