So I'm trying to figure out what's happened in my life to make it feel like it's wearing too tight. I seem to stay in a state of uncomfortableness, and can't quite put my finger on what went wrong. Or maybe I can.
Okay, I think that not having new decorating magazines in the house is one thing. Might sound lame, but it's okay to sound lame. Used to, I'd get ME's Home Companion occasionally, and the old Victoria (the new one just ain't the old one), Country Home and maybe the UK version of Country Living (which is still pretty wonderful, if pricey). I'd make time to sit down, thumb through them and dream a little.
And there was a period (give or take about 15 years ago) when I'd make time to do counted cross-stitch. I'd allow money to get fabrics for in-hand work (not keen on hoops) especially linen, which I think is extra-dishy.
But places have closed and things aren't as easy to buy in town. Life is different, and not just for me, but for others as well. It feels unstable. If I stand on our front porch (we're on a corner) I can count 7 vacant houses. Well, eight but one's been burned out (I know, attractive) and boarded up, so usually just overlook that one. Two are empty because of recent deaths, but are likely in a positive state of flux. And it seems investors are buying up cheap properties and are content to let them sit. Least that's what I'm hearing in regards to some in our neighborhood. Who has that kind of money?
There was a time when I felt secure, but that's a rare emotion anymore. Very fleeting. I like to be able to count on things. To feel like the rug's not going to be pulled out from under me. Our finances have always been up and down, up and down, so not sure that's what's bugging me. I think it's the world. It's not the cozy place it once was.
Guess all I can do is make it as cozy as it can be with what I have to work with. Focus on smaller bits of life, and not look outward so much.
I do miss the new magazines, though. That was something I really adored. The ones out there now are often too expensive, or maybe I figure I've collected enough that more would be silly. Dunno.
And I don't mean to drag anyone down with this post. I could pretend, but that'd be unrealistic. Maybe the challenge is to just take care of my tiny little world and impact our kids' lives as positively as I can. Could be that's the lesson here.
And to make the time to do creative things, things that get my mind off the daily stuff. You can only clean so much. You've got to play (making note of that).
