"Another brother asked the elders, "What is humility?" The elder answered, "To do good to those who do evil to you." The brother asked, "Supposing a man cannot go that far, what should he do?" The elder replied, "Let him get away from them and keep his mouth shut."
My having to deal with this nonsense again (keep it tucked in the back of my mind most of the time) reared its head when fourth son called my mom to check up on her and she said she wanted us to come over on the Fourth of July for cake and ice cream. But just a brief visit. Not lunch or anything. Stressing the brief.
Note: My mom hasn't called our house since March and that was because she fell and was stuck on her bedroom floor. She's seen most of the kids only twice since Christmas. Now it's June, and she lives just 3 miles away. I think she just decided for some odd reason to stop calling on the phone, and to require any contact to be made by us---for what reason, I have no clue. Oh yeah. Ugly stepchild. I get it.
Probably it'd be beneficial if I went over to my mom's house and had a down-to-earth conversation with her. Trouble is, she tends to deny problems when out-right confronted with them, so I end up being frustrated at feeling misunderstood. And the air doesn't clear, but sort of stagnates. Gary's told me pretty bluntly to not expect things to change unless some outlandish miracle happens. He thinks I need to settle in my head that this is the way it is and get on with life. I am the ugly stepchild, but he doesn't call me that. Yet it's true.
But like I told the girls the other day, when your mom rejects you, that's the hardest rejection of all. It gets to the basics of life. The person who brought you into the world turns their face against you----that's a powerful emotion that gets stirred up, let me tell you.
It's caused a constant rash to be on the palms of my hands (eczema that gets me when I'm stressed) and just a weight of sadness that seems to follow me all the time.
But others have stuff that haunts them as well. Fortunately I have a great husband and kids. And chickens. And pugs, but I won't add the big dogs 'cause they're just annoying. Sort of like chicken hawks on four legs. They do what them some chicken meat.
It's not allowing hardship to be the centerpiece of your life that's the difficult part. To look the other way and live your life. Hard, but do-able. I have to realize I can't change other people, but have to do my very best with the Lord's help to have a good attitude.
Okay, probably more intimate sharing than necessary, but I've found that usually there's at least one person who identifies, and that makes everything worth it. Leaning. It's generally a very good thing.
(quote from Thomas Merton, trans., The Wisdom of the Desert: Sayings from the Desert Fathers of the Fourth Century (New York: New Directions, 1960) Shared in The Abbey on the Hill by Carol Bonomo.
