Had to lean on the kids for a bill-paying today, and that's one thing that just rips me up when it has to happen. Fortunately, it's not happened in quite awhile. Yes, I've asked for grocery money, but for bills, no. Up until very recently, Gary's work has been consistent and enough for our needs. It's just that from time to time it gets tight and they have to/need to help. They're always good about it, never fussing (or so that we hear them) and give willingly. I mean, they want electricity as much as we do.
It'd be more comfortable, however, if we were flush all the time, and this never happened. But it does.
I was just telling Gary that it makes me feel so lousy to have to lean on the kids. He agreed, but was trying to put it into perspective for me. We don't hit them with rent, they're able to save a great deal of their earned money, and while we have been dire in the past, we really are in this all together. A house requires funds to run it, and we work as a team. I don't think any of the kids would dispute that. And honestly, it's much cheaper for them to live at home. Much.
Trouble is, and I've noticed this in my relationship with the Lord...what has gone on with my own parents has affected how freely I trust God, and how I feel about leaning. And with my mom lately moving in a strange direction, I've experienced some fresh spiritual troubles. I find myself apologizing to the Lord, telling Him I don't want to doubt Him, but that it's hard to feel as if He really cares when my mom is behaving so negatively towards me/us. It's the most bizarre situation I've ever been involved it. Talk about blind-sided.
The thing is for me is (and I've noticed this in others)...our relationship with our parents, whether it's good or bad, does often color our relationship with the Father. Unfortunately we often have to dig through lots of stuff before we can trust Him completely. If our parents are unpredictable, given to silences, or cruel then sometimes we expect the same treatment from the Lord. Not fair to Him, but it is what it is. Quite often I expect a butt-whuppin' even when I realize I'm not in the wrong. I just expect it.
But I have to remember that God is always faithful, and is always the SAME. His silences are ones that draw me closer, not further away. If He is quiet, it's a waiting quiet and always good. That's a comfort.
