Happy almost New Year's

Love, love, love the turning of a calendar page, beginning a new week, a fresh new day, but especially a new year.  Gary says I always say I'm glad to begin a new year since the past one was so hard.  Surely I don't always say it.  Surely I'm more original than that.  But, I think I can honestly say that this one was very difficult.  But we all can.  Deaths, broken relationships, in my mom's case---a stroke, too much busyness, exhaustion, tight muscles, inability to relax, frustrating money situations, and the list goes on and on.

My focus in 2014 is to take better care of my health.  Was thinking with third son going to Basic Training for 9 weeks beginning January 14th, that I'll work on my own personal bootcamp here, along the same time. Gives me a time frame and a way to judge my progress, if I work alongside of him.  'Course he'll be way over in South Carolina, but you get what I'm trying to say.

With my mom's stroke, I've experienced a wake-up call.  Sure, she had it at 84 with little health issues before then (well, high b/p which precipitated it), and that's a pretty darn good track record.  But, with my migraines, figure taking care of my heart and brain would be an excellent use of my time.

So, today deep breaths.  Tomorrow a re-focus.  May God bless us all.

Mom stuff

I realize to most of you, the documenting here of setting up my mom's Medicaid, etc. is boring reading. Also the stroke.  Maybe not interesting, but there's a lot of information that's new to me.  Territory I've/we've not been through before.  But....I figure that sometime it'll be helpful to somebody.

Awhile back, I read a blog from a woman whose husband had suddenly died.  She was faced with heaps of paperwork and details she'd not anticipated.  She was bitter and overwhelmed. And while reading her trials depressed me, part of what she went through, and continues to go through, is educational to those of us who haven't had to deal with tragedy like that.

Thankfully my parents (and now my mom) are and were organized.  Within an hour fourth son and I were able to get hold of the necessary papers to have her Medicaid set up.  (I still have yet to talk to an official person, though.  That's coming in January.)  Those consisted of 3 months of bank statements, life insurance papers, driver's license, Medicare card, SS card, death certificate for my dad, proof of her Social Security deposits, and what I forgot was proof of whose name her house is in.  I can get hold of her deed, so that's not an issue. Plus, she can't have over $2,000.00 in the bank.  That's the way it is. For her to get coverage these are the parameters, least from what I've been told from the Rehab's business office. For a total of 100 days in Rehab, which she's used 25 of, Medicare and Medicaid will pay 100%.

With that taken care of, and her with drawers full of clean clothes, I'm taking the next two days off.  It was a wash this weekend, trying to rest and still feel wired up. Hoping I can get my head in the right place and chill.  Least, that's the plan.

Sunday night

A good day.  Prayer at the altar led by our priest for our son who's joined the Guard, sweet visit with my mom, and one of the crowning moments was being able to gather all the necessary papers for my mom's Medicaid application. Lots of paper.  Once again, I felt a tremendous weight fall of my shoulders.  Will call the office tomorrow to see about having them copied.  Wonderful.  Plus, since Mom's been told how long she can stay in Rehab with Medicare/Medicaid footing the bill, I'm seeing her apply herself more.  The dangling carrot is the next stop for her being home. I realize it's been hard to be away from home almost 2 months, but she seems to get it that she's got to work hard.  I was proud to see her seeming driven.  Plus, she now has a room mate, and that helps.  Really a God-given situation---a sweet 96 year old woman who broke her leg in a car accident, and yes, she was driving!  She's adorable, is Methodist like my mom, and they seem to get along very well.  I think for my social mother, it's a plus to have company, albeit there's a curtain often separating them.

Going to enjoy our son for the next two weeks since he leaves a week from tomorrow.  I don't think it's hit me yet.  Denial?  Not so much, but feeling overwhelmed.  We won't see him for over 2 months, I think, and that'll be his Basic Training graduation.  All the little girls can say to that is, Road Trip!  Then he's off for two more months.  He tends to be a homebody, liking to go out and about, but savoring the safety of home.  This will be a challenge for him, and Gary's concerned with the influences he'll be faced with.  Considering how hard this past spring was with his struggles, maybe he's past the hardest temptations that he walked into voluntarily.  It's been a year.

Hope you're all well.  One day at a time, remember.

Nat'l Guard Day

Third son had to spend the night with the other recruits at a hotel, so they'd be ready to finish up testing, etc. this morning. He called me at about 9:50am today, and we had to hurry down to the MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) location to be there for his swearing in.  Very official place.  Had to be buzzed in, and felt in a foreign sort of place.  See, we're not military, unless you want to count my dad and father-in-law and all grandfathers before us.  Draftees.  Nah.  Not military.

Anyway, his recruiter, who is a very sweet girl---young at 28, took these photos and several more.  Sure appreciate that. The girls wanted to go see him sworn in, but the boys were either at work, or just stayed at home.  Lots to follow.  He'll ship out (as they say) to basic training on January 13th. Whoosh.  He'll be in South Carolina for 9 weeks, followed by specialized training, who knows where, for 8 weeks.  I'll miss my baby.

I think I need a good cry.

Not resolutions, but maybe suggestions

Fourth son made me a hot cup of Chai in his Keurig machine after dinner.  I think the kids were being solicitous to me since I made a comment while dinner was warming that made them take notice.  I'd been out doing chore-type-things this afternoon---taking said son to friend's vet to drop off food for her dogs, dropping off third son at recruiter's office---he's to be sworn in tomorrow.  Then several of us stopped off at the store for a few items we'd run out of---dish soap, toilet paper, this and that. After we got home, I began taking out the leftovers from yesterday's Christmas dinner and put much of it in the oven. Then there was a sinkful of dishes to wash.  As time passed and the food was almost done, I realized I'd not sat down since we'd gotten home.  A full hour of standing on my feet, moving about in the kitchen, feeding Pugs, etc.  I commented on it and oldest daughter sent me to sit in the living room while she finished up.

I don't always realize how busy I stay until I get too exhausted to care.  I just keep on, keeping on.  Hoping this new year finds me able to delegate my time better.  With Mom's schedule being up in the air, as to what will happen when she gets out of rehab, I'd be smart to have a plan for self-care that works for me.  Having a parent who's had a stroke doesn't bode well for me if I'm neglectful of my own health now, does it?

More rest, time to be creative, maybe more of an ability to say no, and more solid home time.  Those are my wishes.

'Stones for Bread' by Christa Parrish

Christa Parrish's book called Stones for Bread is mesmerizing. After downloading the e-book to review, I instantly began reading, only to look forward so much to the next night's installment. Parrish's book is amazingly full of bread recipes, rich dialogue, and characters that are unique and totally believable.  I loved it.

About depression:  "In my mother, as dishes piled up and cocoons of dust huddled in corners and her dark moments overcame her.  No one should have to shrink this way."

Her sentences grab you and cause you to take notice.  I couldn't take it all in---such a beautiful story.

It's about a young woman, in her thirties, who's the owner of an artisan-style bakery.  Her bread is all original and far beyond anything I've ever tried to bake.  Works of art.  That's what Liesl McNamara creates.  But she has baggage.  The pain of her mother's suicide, and her dad's re-birth into the church which causes Liesl heartache since she feels he's in part abandoned her. Plus she becomes involved in a relationship which puts her in the position to make difficult choices.  Oh, and she's chosen to take part in a televised bake-off with a famous fancy baker. Lots going on, and highly recommended.

My only regret is that I wasn't able to receive a print copy of the book.  Would love to thumb through it, underlining and turning down corners.  I marked several passages, and with the Kindle, that's sort of difficult. Not impossible, but do-able.  Might order the hard copy just because.  It's that good.

(i received this book free to review from thomas nelson/booksneeze)

Merry Christmas to you...

I never put up family photos, but figured at Christmas, I'd go ahead.  And I'll even go the distance and tell you the kids' names.  Bottom photo:  Standing left to right:  Jonathan 28 (oldest), Joseph 22 (who's joining the National Guard), Willa 15, and Jacob 24.  Sitting:  Emma 11 (the least one), Jonah 17 (youngest boy), Anna 26 (who's dating sweet Indian boyfriend), and Joshua 20.  That's the lot of them.

This afternoon, while the turkey was in the oven, Gary stayed home to watch it and the kids went with me to visit my mom.  I felt a bit overwhelmed, having them all with me.  We filled up the elevator.  One of those mother's moments, you know.  They don't come often, but when they do, you need to stop a minute and savor them.

Funny.  Gary just laughed when he saw the photos he uploaded.  Hard to get everyone to cooperate.  And personally I think I look traumatized and G. thinks he'd fit into Duck Dynasty just fine.  Glad he doesn't wear camouflage clothes.

Anyway, Merry Christmas.  Now, go get some rest. :)

Christmas Eve Eve

• have spent all i'm gonna spend :)
• bought stocking stuffers today
• it's a low-key holiday, which is sweet
• tonight i took the girls to the Presbyterian mega-church we used to regularly visit for their Christmas service----well, one of about seven services
• my goodness
• oldest daughter laughed at us beforehand and said, "no bowing, crossing of yourselves, and no kneeling"
• yeah, made me laugh
• was good to sing praise music loudly
• i miss that sometimes
• will go to our church's Christmas Eve service tomorrow night---there might be thirty people there, or I might be surprised
• looking forward to lots of incense, which is promised
• there's nothing more i need right now---just that
• take care all

Mom update

As it stands now, my mom will stay at her current rehab until she's able to live alone, with minimal care. She's ready to leave now (in her head), but my brother made it clear to her that the speed at which she is self-motivated, will reflect the speed at which she improves.

We had an excellent meeting with the therapists' managers and the social worker...getting positive feedback, and direction on how to pay for her having further rehab.  That was an incredible relief....sharing this burden and getting real direction.

I finally feel as if someone besides me is holding the bag. Gary was ready to bring her home this week....meaning our house here, but that wasn't going to happen without me going nuts.

Thanks for any and all prayers.  I do so appreciate it. Can we celebrate Christmas now?

More thinking...

We've always told my mom that a nursing home (as a last ditch alternative) is out of the question.  My dad's mom was put in one after my grandfather died.  It wasn't the first choice, the main one being for her to stay at home and have cleaning help. And an uncle lived right next door, so you'd think it'd work.  But, no.  She was a bit combative with the help, and dug herself a tidy hole.  My dad and mom offered to have her at our house, but his older brothers put the kibosh on that and it never happened.  Away to the nursing home you go.

Gary was talking to his folks the other day about our situation with my mom.  They were very understanding, and as he was talking to me about it, Gary said, "Well, they both put parents in nursing homes."  My MIL found a place for her mother (not biological, but the one who raised her) who had Alzheimer's and they also found a spot for Gary's grandfather after his wife died. The one for my MIL's mom was specially for Alzheimer's patients. There was no practical way they could have cared for her, but with G's grandfather, it was more of a senior living situation. Not the wicked nursing homes folks talk about.

A close neighbor said the nursing home plan might be necessary. I pray that isn't so, since I'll be the one to live it down.  It's almost like if that's the final alternative, then my mother gives the impression that she in a tiny, odd way wants to be in a disagreeable situation so she can be the victim.  That might not make sense to you, but it really does to me.

Good grief, life is crazy.  Pray, pray, pray---then pray some more.

On Tuesday

'The Coat of Many Colors' by Louis Ginnett

Got to shop this morning through early afternoon. Many thanks to generous in-laws who yearly give us money to spend on the kids.  A huge blessing.  Had left the kids with instructions to wash the kitchen floor, feed Pugs, and do schoolwork.  They did it all, and I enjoyed having time to myself.  Think I'll do it again on Thursday morning. And got my mom's clothes delivered back to her.  She wasn't in the room, apparently in rehab, but that was good so I could run in and run out.  Time was at a minimum.

But tomorrow have decided to stay at home and bake bread to take to church tomorrow night.  We're having a party---well, lots of party sorts of things.  First off, the kids will make Chrismons (ornaments literally dripping in glitter which represent Christ), then we'll have a soup supper, then the Christmas pageant which really is the highlight of my holiday.  So Charlie Brown-ish.  I love it.  I'll help two of the other moms with directing the kids where to go, and when to do whatever it is they have to do.  It really is adorable.  And our least one is Mary this year. Lovely.

So tomorrow is all about recharging, not feeling guilty about anything, and filling my spirit up with homey things. Refreshment.  I need that.  While I tend to walk around tense all the time, this will be my excuse to rest and recharge myself. It is allowed.

Thoughts...

Think I'll go shopping in the morning.  Drop off my mom's clothes beforehand---she has therapy in the a.m. anyhow, so maybe can slip in and slip out.  Please don't think me cruel for timing my visits that way.  It's mental self-preservation.  I realize I probably paint my mom as an ogre, and really, I had a good childhood. It just sank into a hard place when I got married. And while my mom isn't evil, she has consistently put me in the category of difficult child.  Can't shake that one even though I've been the least rebellious.  Seems that's the pattern with a parent who has narcissistic-type tendencies.  One child, the one who does the dirty work (often a daughter), is shut out of the close love because of who they are.  The children who are less involved (and less known) seem to prance through their growing-up years without damage.  My two brothers are the golden children.  I'm not.  Case closed.  And because my mom is of such a different personality now, being very sweet and docile, I'm confused.  Her stroke left damage that seems to have cut out the mean parts. Doesn't mean that the scars have left, though.  Sadly enough.

I have a wall set up around me that only goes down when I'm safe at home.  This is the only place I exist that's not threatening.  And I believe that I'm in good company in that.

And I talk about this here because I'm both trying to come to terms with it, and put it in a place in my head. My personal contact with my mom will change and likely increase when she comes home from rehab---most likely Christmas week.  Hopefully after Christmas.

Just trying to preserve some bit of sanity.

'Awakening Faith' by James Stuart Bell

The introduction to Awakening Faith which is compiled by James Stuart Bell and Patrick J. Kelly says the following: "Perceptive readers will notice the Fathers' almost exclusive focus on personal virtue rather than broader societal changes, which may be frustrating at first blush to Christians whose understanding gives primacy to social justice."

Current evangelical writers place a lot of importance on voting, morality based on social issues and post modern thinking.  The writers in Awakening Faith talk about self-discipline, guarding your hearts, sacrifice, and cut to the heart of what a believer's life should represent.  They talk about personal responsibility in the light of Who Christ really is.

I find it very refreshing and a wonderful resource for morning or evening devotions.  And for me as an Anglican to be able to read the Early Church Fathers is a joy.  Many of the names are familiar to me from the Book of Common Prayer and are also mentioned in The Way of a Pilgrim, another classic.  I also appreciate that a thorough list is given at the back of the book telling basic facts about the Church Fathers.  Excellent.

(i received this book free to review from booksneeze/thomas nelson)

Quieting my thoughts...

Took a nap and then went with the least one to see my mom. All of the clothes I washed and took up there on Wednesday were dirty, and I took a lot.  Surely a week's worth, I thought. A tad frustrated at the rehab place not putting much emphasis on my mom re-learning basic bathroom skills.  Diapers it is.  I realize that that is a hugely time-consuming task to teach someone after a stroke, but that was at the top of the list in things we wanted her to master (in its way) before coming home.  Makes it tough.  One of my brothers will be in town on Friday, and will be at a meeting along with me at the rehab about the plan of action for the patients.  Not sure what that will entail, especially since it will only be in 15 minute increments.  Talk fast. Listen carefully.

Anyway, had to run a couple of errands after visiting her, including going to her house for bill paying, etc.  I don't like using Sundays as an ordinary day, but this time, couldn't be avoided.

When I got home, asked Gary how he thought the Lord would have us manage our time, when we end up so exhausted.  He was silent.  Surely there's a plan that works better than the one I use.  There's lots to do on a daily basis, and with 6 children still at home, I don't see that changing.  And with my mom shortly being released to be back at her home, the hours will begin to be eaten up even sooner.

I'm really clueless as to how I'm supposed to manage.  I know there's an answer, just don't know what it is. Guess it's more about doing and seeing what works.  Gary was asking how I was the other night---having been bitten by a monstrous hit of depression.  I was trying to tell him, and he was taking the male route of trying to fix it for me.  I get that.  He can't bear me to have a problem he doesn't have a solution for.  Like the story of the woman who wanted a new white blouse.  She and her husband went shopping, and he soon took a blouse off a hanger and handed it to his wife.  "Here's a white blouse."  Yes, it was a white blouse, but it wasn't the right one."  Same thing.  The effort is appreciated very much, but the answer is a bit more complicated and tricky.

The hard part----being me in the midst of helping her.  I tend to be obsessive.  Perspective.  That word keeps coming up in my mind.  I need to keep it in mind.

Attempting a restful Saturday

There are times when I can tell I'm trying too hard.  This is one of those times.  Oldest daughter and my husband have ordered me to cool it----lay my burden down, so to speak.  Mild headache bothering the left side of my head----cough remaining.  And it's funny.  When you actually make a concerted effort to do that and slow down, the deep breaths follow and rest comes naturally.

I'm the person who does my mom's clothes. Took her some things on Wednesday and she was looking at me getting her pants out of the plastic bag and commented on how pretty her red pants were, and she followed up with, "Now, why do you think that is?"  Sometimes she surprises me with what she says. Strokes must leave some unusual residue in a person's brain. Often she sounds like a child with her responses, and I just scratch my head.

I say that to say this----it wears on me.

A history of a mom who was critical and hard to please.  Who was harsh with me in regards to my endless pregnancies----not able to empathize with the exhaustion and moodiness I dealt with.  To the outside world, a pretty much, angelic human being.  One of those moms who my friends always complimented me on.  Now in a mental place where she's sharp as far memory goes, but has odd lapses with a child-like flavor.  Keeps me on my toes. Who is she now?  I have no idea.

Some days I need a break from tension of it.  Now she's asked me to do her Christmas shopping for her.  I really think she could give it a pass, but guess she wants to be as normal as possible. Honestly would prefer to not have one more thing on my list of things to do, but the question wasn't 'will you do this for me?,' but 'do this for me.'  Uh, yeah.  Okay.

Folks are hard on each other.  Not sure why that is so, but it is. I think I'll follow Lesley's idea of 'hibernation as retreat' this weekend.  My mom has enough clothes to last her until Monday. I need to deal with this headache and be kind to myself.  If I don't, nobody else will do it for me.

Take care of yourself too, you hear?

Friday night

Resting in bed.  I've not made much effort at rest-time in the afternoon lately, so am playing catch up.  Still suffering some tiredness from the flu, but much better. The cough remains, but that's, pretty much, all.

Oldest daughter and I went to see a movie last night---Judi Dench's newest called 'Philomena' and enjoyed it. Some language, but we did enjoy the story.  Sad, but sweet.

And while we were gone, the little girls put up the tree.  So grateful for that.  I wasn't able to get in the mood to initiate it.  In related news, I'm wanting a day tomorrow to putter around, vacuum all the dust bunnies that are lurking and put up some decorations.  Just a day without things I HAVE to do, and the time and ability to do what I WANT to do.  Trying to make time.  We've talked about going to a Christmas parade, but it's raining now, and not sure but they'll be rained out.  That'd suit me just fine.

Thinking how my mom's stroke has changed the way I look at things, or at least has changed the potential of looking at life differently.  I tend to be duty-oriented, and with homeschooling, it's easy to get into a legalistic rut with that.  Seeing how swiftly life can be forever altered by a stroke has made an imprint in my mind. There's still pressure from the outside world to perform all the time, and it's hard to resist that mindset, let me tell you.  Do this, do that.  Get this done.  There's a constant hum of activity just pressuring us to keep busy.

I'm not so interested anymore.  Hard to change tactics when life is so tuned into what we produce in any given day.  Makes me tired.

Still remember what my mom said a couple of days after her stroke.  She said, "I just wish I'd had more fun."

Ditto.

Tuesday late

This is a first.  The tree isn't up.  The decorations are still in the attic and not a gift has been bought by me. The wreaths aren't on the outside doors either.  I am using a snowman mug oldest daughter just bought for me, though.  The kids say we're putting up the tree this weekend.  Guess we'll have a whirlwind Christmas. Whoosh, and we'll be done.

You know, this could turn out to be the sweetest Christmas ever.  We've pared down by necessity and design, through no fault of our own.  Life is just pinching now.  My emotions are raw and unpredictable.

I have this routine each year when I unpack the ornaments.  I say to myself that I wonder what will be different this year compared to the past year.  What is different?  Who's passed away and who's been born? What has made an impact on me personally?  And I go through the same routine when I pack them away.

Oh my.

Glad we have these kids who just keep on, keeping on.  They surely are my joy.

For Sunday

Saturday night

My mom called me this morning, telling me with enthusiasm how much she likes the Rehab place where she moved yesterday. She thanked me over and over.  I cried when I got off the phone.  Such a relief.  Huge.

And Gary and I went there this afternoon and a physical therapist was in the room with her, working her thoroughly.  Her hair was styled (done this morning), and she was fully dressed. When we'd seen her on Wednesday in the hospital, she was in a hospital gown and lying flat in bed.

I'd say it was a good mental health day all around.

For the rest of the weekend, will stay at home.  Rest.  Not take on anything more.  Promise.

Winding down the week

~ice on burning bush's red berries

Got dressed, and planned on filling out paperwork at the Rehab place to get my mom moved, and Gary said we'd not tough out the ice. Good call on his part.  With him being a Yankee and a fearless driver, I figure it pays to listen to his wisdom about the condition of the roads. Still coughing, etc., and not wise to get out if not necessary for that reason too.  The sweet girl emailed me what I needed to fill out and we sent them back. Many thanks to fourth son who dragged himself out of bed to scan and send them for me.  Couldn't have done it without him.

Maybe I can breathe a bit now.

You think?

Thursday

When I said over the weekend that my brothers were stepping up to the plate, I lied.  Well, I thought they were, but it's the same old story of telling me what I want to hear, and not necessarily what was true.  So if you read this post, disregard.

I fear that my month-long diatribe of woes concerning my mom, the flu and my lacking of Christmas spirit will cause folks to run the other way.  I have nothing of perkiness to share.  I cry a lot.  And cough.  And tend to the whole household that is sick. And Gary had to cancel his trip up to see his folks for his mom's 80th birthday this weekend.  His youngest brother was treating him with a ticket, but Gary had to contact him this morning about it.  Sick, sick.  And supposedly an ice storm is coming, so really, the flight might be cancelled anyhow (prayers appreciated for it to be a big failure of a storm).  Also I check my mom into the new rehab tomorrow because my brother won't respond to my email for help in the midst of our illness.

Gosh.

Crap, crap, crappity crap.

I'm hoping and praying that when we feel better---and it should be soon for a few of us who got sick first, that I can relax with the knowledge that my mom is in a good place for a bit.  She should be there 'til after Christmas, I'm hoping.  Will address that possibility tomorrow.  I want to sink into a holiday mood of sorts. We all need that joyousness in the house.

It was odd.  Yesterday I paid some of my mom's bills at her house and opened one in regards to a radiology bill.  The date was November 7th, and I couldn't remember what had happened then.  For a few brief moments was wondering if Mom had been to the hospital before her stroke.  Silly me.  That WAS the date of her stroke.  The past 4 weeks have literally flown by---full of prickles and dark emotions.

I need a perk.  A blessing.  A feeling of God's hand over me even in the midst of these hard times.  I get glimmers, but a clear (okay, big would be nice) indication of His touch would be such a joy.  Actually a small thing happened yesterday.  I was talking to oldest daughter about feeling jittery about telling Mom about her not coming here, but going to another rehab facility. Literally as we were talking, I had a rush and felt clearly that Mom would hear something about it, and not from me, and that it would be fine.  Late yesterday afternoon, Gary and I went up there to tell her (the soc. worker had given her go-ahead), and turns out the nurse-of-the-day had already told her, and Mom was fine with it.  She broke the ice.  I guess that was a clear indication.  Well, I know it was.  Guess I'm just hungry for the pressures to be off and for life to feel happy again.

Updates

Was sitting outside with the chickens this afternoon, warm breeze blowing, and thinking about how heavy the laundry basket was going to be.  I'm that tired.  This sickness is wretched.  Drag here.  Drag there.  Used the dryer instead.  We look like a houseful of zombies.  And that's being generous.

On the upside, Mom was accepted into the rehab facility, and seems fine with that.  We stressed the importance of more strenuous exercises, which hopefully will allow her to go home stronger.  We understand one another, I do believe.

Brothers aren't communicating with me.  Ignoring me?  Not so sure.  More like they are avoiding getting involved.  Or maybe that's the same thing as being ignored?  I scratch my head, unable to understand that. At this point, excuses just won't fly. And I've played nice---not always easy, but I really have.

Gary says to turn off my head tonight.  So now I'll do just that.

Feeling a tiny bit angsty

Well, you'd think I'd learn.  And while I'm at it, would like to experience extended family that's not dysfunctional.  Please?

Brothers not helping one darn bit.  Unless the youngest of my older brothers really steps up to the plate, and with Mom being discharged from the hospital rehab on Friday----he'd better work fast.  Oldest brother is lacking in compassion as to the in's and out's of tending to Mom in a home setting, talking more like she's a puppy in a crate than a human being who requires interaction and not just cleaning up after.  He's a bit clueless. But then, he's not offered to be of any help whatsoever.  Going so far as to calling the social worker, then calling me and telling me I needed to talk to her, because he doesn't understand why I can't be Mom's caretaker.  He sees no problem with us taking her in.  He continually washes his hands of any involvement. Avoidance doesn't make stuff go away.

We took Mom's cell phone to her the other day, and she's been able to call her sister daily (who lives in town) and anyone else whose number is on her phone.  Gary mentioned to her over the weekend that we were sick, oldest daughter and I being sicker than the bunch.  He was explaining to her why I'd not been up there.  I'm thinking flu, but don't really know.  Here's what I deal with----my mom, who is fully able to talk on the phone, hasn't called to see how we're doing, and I've not been able to go visit her since last Wednesday.  Yes, she's recovering from a stroke, but our whole house is sick.  Stroke trumps flu?  She's baaaaaack.

Maybe I ask for too much, but the way I see it, no matter where you are in the picture, simple courtesy is always appreciated.  And being that my mom is of a narcissistic temperament, I refuse to allow her stroke to dictate how I behave.  I'm thankful we made peace, but she really needs to acknowledge at some point what's going on with the rest of us. I repeat---avoidance doesn't make stuff go away.

Monday night

Still sick.  A side benefit is that I can't go to the hospital to visit 'cause they'd boot me out---coughing to beat band, fever, and aches.  I think both oldest daughter and I are exhausted.  Poor immune systems with all that's been going on.  We caught the mega-cold, got better then wham! got hit with it again, and harder the second time.

As to mom updates, my brothers said they'd get with the social worker/etc. today to get something moving. Haven't heard anything from either of them today, so figuring the social worker wasn't able to get back to my brother.  Guessing.  I'd really appreciate even an email saying they know nothing rather than the silence.  My extended family is a bit weak on communication.

My friend Patricia said the wisest thing to me years ago, and I've shared it here before.  'Make sure you're living YOUR life and not someone else's.  It's too easy to get so caught up with what someone else is going through that you forget yourself.' Or something to that effect.  Wise words.

Must go dope myself up now.  So tired of coughing.  But think both oldest daughter and I are possibly past the hardest part. Take care.

Sunday afternoon

My brothers are stepping up to the plate in regards to our mom's situation.  When we offered to take her in, they were briefly able to stand back and allow that.  Now that I've stated that I can't, they're pulling their weight.  A huge blessing.  I told Gary I felt I'd gotten so that I pick up this heavy backpack on a daily basis, trying to tote my mom on my back all day----figuratively, you know.  And all the crying I've been doing has made healing from this cold and cough practically impossible.

One of fourth son's co-workers knows our family and he'd shared with her our talk about taking in Mom. She told him we just couldn't do that on the long term, maybe briefly, but not day after day after day.  She said we'd be totally exhausted.  I'm learning from many sources that this is the most practical way to think. You can be optimistic about your goal, but the realities really do hold sway.

This whole situation has stolen my joy and it's hard to not go there.  I was looking at a gift shop we passed earlier today, all decorated with lights and pretty ribbons and couldn't help wondering how they could do that.  Where is my holiday joy? Huh.  Ain't nowhere in sight.  And really, I don't think it's healthy for me to allow this situation with my mom to completely overwhelm my every waking thought.  But not letting that happen is the hardest part.

I need perspective again.  Simply that.